I think I’m going to take a break from the dojo. The last few classes have felt particularly inefficient. Also still getting the whole disrespect vibe still. Part of it may be me being a little nice. I know a larger part of it is my deteriorating body. I’ve been involved in martial arts for about 5 years now, yet if you went entirely by my experience in the Dojo you’d think I was some run of the mill scrub newbie. Yeah occasionally J will talk up my game but I don’t believe I’ve earned it. Talk is weak. The only thing that means anything is being put under the gun and coming out alive, decidedly so. A belt color is not enough of a test, or goal. Being able to effectively perform a dance doesn’t mean anything.
Being able to go toe to toe with a giant for 3 minutes and come out respected, now that is a test. Being able to spar random guys and get that “Nice technique!” or even the deer in headlights look as I pull off my counters also counts. Being told that it doesn’t matter that I’m dead last, that my putting myself out there is more than most people are willing to do. Being told by a coach that they could of sworn I would of gassed out after that 5th sprint, but they were glad to see me push beyond that limit. Being able to see guys twice my size tap out because they were gassed out. Being given my run time everytime we did our warmup mile or 2, and being able to see my time improve (best I ever got to was 7:30). Being able to Pass all the other students on those runs. Those are objective measuring sticks.
I’m going to focus on the workouts I know. I went from 250lb to 180 on my own. That only happened because I knew I was on my own. I could set and reach my own goals. I could pace myself. I didn’t have to worry about being out of the game because I was listening to someone else who truly didn’t give a shit about me.
Also, something my GF said the other day made me feel kinda bad. It wasn’t about me. It was about her. She doesn’t deserve to feel that way. She’s coming on this trip too.