I know I was feeling better a couple days ago. This morning I’m feeling a sizable dose of depression, paranoia, distrust…resentment? Just trying to keep track of when I feel these things. Not necessarily the cognitive cause. It isn’t logic.
2nd bad mental health day in a row. Can’t tell if it is a combination of the heightened anxiety or just plain ol’ depression/loneliness. I don’t have the energy to get into the details of it now. Just writing down the status for tracking purposes. It’s dark in here right now.
I’m not yet entirely sure what triggered it. Maybe increase testosterone from all the squats and dead lifts today. Maybe feeling a boundary was crossed last night when my wife responded to a message not intended for her instead of checking with me (regardless of what I was doing at the time). Maybe that I barely spend any quality time with her despite the fact she has been out of work for about 4 months now. She isn’t particular invested either it feels sometimes. Maybe seeing S on social media triggered a depression episode…just the sight of her still bothers me. Taking an idea from the book I’ve been listening to, “Rewire your anxious brain”, it could very well be my amygdala trying to keep me from harm by pushing everything away from me. I’m having trouble seeing a way out of this. Writing might help though. To some degree writing I suppose forces my PFC to engage more. It’s still a near thing though. I’m sure I’m not making much sense now but I don’t write this for an audience anyway.
I’m just so used to loss. People leaving or they just stop caring. It’s the same story over and over. I can’t just ignore it and put on that fake happy like I do at work. I feel simultaneously overwhelmed and under valued. This abandonment sensation feels even worse when I have others’ responsibilities thrown on top of me. Which I realize it is a bit of a paradox to state. Maybe I am feeling used as well. I’m not sure. I’m just throwing words at the screen, hoping to find another meaning, another way out.
My wife was laid off this week. I’m still battling with feelings of rejection and shame. and now I’m feeling frustrated at this whole situation. I don’t have anyone I can trust to turn to on talking this stuff out. Maybe I really am being walked all over. Even if it isn’t intentional or malicious in intent, the experience is still happening. I’m trying to be understanding of the head space she is in regarding everything, but am I really just enabling giving up? She did the one thing today, and then has slept the rest of the day. I know she’s aware of all the carrying I do for us, but her response is to give in to despair instead of help. Is this going to be another instance of me enabling someone by helping? Do I take the dick approach and lock down everything? And even if I did, it doesn’t matter if she just continues to give in to depression and stay unconscious all the time. I think I’ve still got a year and a half of needing to hold on to this home. and I’ve got 2 years on this loan, which I took out to survive the tax hit and help resolve her lawyer issue. I need cooperation. I need forward progress. I’m not going to be satisfied with my life by just getting by. I never was really.
I think some of the insecurities that are flaring up for me are due to me not being particularly happy with myself. Fixing my body has long been a big part of that. I can’t depend on my interactions with other people to help me there…unreliable, and it can back fire as well if I don’t trust myself well enough.
Doing other things to, part of that building competencies, helps too. My options have been limited and gaming has not been so helpful as of late. Honestly gaming hasn’t been that helpful for a long time. I did feel dancing helped as I was building a skill, and touch was nice too. Online stuff won’t help there and I need people to work with, it is very much a touch thing.
Strength training was great too, but there aren’t any options for that right now. I tried finding stuff online but with COVID-19 there is just nothing to get. Hmm what if I take out the canopy at least? Weather can be a problem though. Especially wind.
Ok here’s what I think I need to do for now…
Since my body is making me get up early anyway, maybe either do a walk around the neighborhood or try to get a morning hike in (early is better for less people too). I’d probably have to start by 7:30…it is roughly 30 minutes to do the whole thing? Maybe budget 40 for the drive back and forth. Then continue with the lunch time run. Solderfit zoom workout at 6. What about saturday/sunday? Well if I keep waking early I can do the 9am zoom workout still. I need to text cesar about strength training options while on lockdown…hopefully I get something. I need to grind harder than ever now. I also need to be stricter on the diet now.
What else can I do in this climate to keep feeling like I’m improving?
Often times when I post here it is to unload on negative complicated emotions. This isn’t one of those times. I think I’m overloaded on happy. I shouldn’t be effected by words of affirmation like this but somehow her’s have an outsized effect. It’s kind of scary to let anyone effect me in this way.
There are so many qualities about her that I appreciate. Her sense of humor was the first thing that got to me. It was like a warm dancing flame in the middle of a cold wasteland. Quite unexpected in my life yet there she was. She brings joy.
I had always found her beautiful. There is a light in her eyes that fills me with wonder and yet can also set me at ease. It’s a fascinating mix. I normally have to make a conscious effort to maintain eye contact with most people…not with her. I feel a shiver up my spine just thinking about it. Her beauty can’t be defined by man-made measurements. It is an ethereal experience. Something that touches me in a dimension I’m not capable of understanding. It is profound sensation comparable to experiencing one of the wonders of the world for the first time…only it happens every time.
As incredible as all of her other qualities are, it is her kindness that strikes me the most. It is something I can only hope to better emulate some day. This is what makes her stand out most to me. It is this undercurrent that flows around our many interactions. If her kindness is like flowing water, then it is no wonder my walls stood no chance. After all, the simplest streams can erode the mightiest mountains and her kindness can feel like a roaring rapid at times. Who am I to think I could ever hold against that?
When it comes to dealing with processing emotional flare ups (the negative ones) with a friend or partner, I think it is important to be able to allow yourself to feel that emotion and then authentically explore the cause within yourself. Having a partner that can understand this need and also not internalize that reaction as a personal reflection on them can go a long way. More often than not, when we get upset, it isn’t really because of someone else’s actions (in a relationship setting), but more so because somewhere deep inside of us, there is an unsettling reflection happening on ourselves. It is up to us to find it and then decide if it is true or not. Having an emphatic partner or friend can help quite a bit with this.
Trying to put together an agenda of things that should be talked about today.
- At the moment it feels like things have been stable. Generally good things have been happening…though finances are still rough currently with fair season. It isn’t bothering me a lot though.
- We started trying to do a tuesday night craft night. So far we’ve only done it twice. With wife’s job changing, schedule is whacky and she’s tired. We did start playing BL3 together though.
- Got wife to try out WCS dancing with me once. I’ve continued on with it, she hasn’t but again mostly due to scheduling issues between work and ren faire work/prep
- tried getting her into the bodyboss portable gym…only done once so far. Hoping to stabilize on that. (need to start planning out a schedule for it after Nicole/Jen visit on halloween…oct 30th thru the 3rd for jen)
- Got a jigsaw massager, used it a few times (should probably schedule that too)
- Tried the feeld thing. There was an interest in renewing the triad thing. Wife still grappling with why she wants that / if she even wants that. There was talk about the nesting partner angle.
- Things seem to be going well with her GF
- I’ve gotten better about my anxiety over her nights out. She’s also been better at setting more realistic expectations and communications which helps me better manage it.
- I’ve made friends but nothing really regular. Perhaps the closest thing to a regular friend is ‘smartass’ from WCS but still not the “best friend” connection I think I’m looking for
- Dealing with Angel at ren faire who definitely wants to be more physical with me, but I’m not comfortable with her for health reasons as well as availability issues (distance would make it difficult for maintaining the sort of contact I’d prefer in a relationship). Keeping it at a strictly platonic level for me. I tend to hang out with her group of people at the Dragon, and people watching from the inside is entertaining.
- Answered my own relationship questionaire doc, re-evaluated what I want in a poly relationship
- Raven shaman art project
- New friend Kat. I like her but she made it clear early on she is only looking for friends right now. Which works out fine for me is that is what I need more than romantic partners right now. It does set my expectations though of keeping it at friends, which is making me re-evaluate how I approach poly people I meet in the future. And ask myself how much energy I want to put into it.
- My workout schedule has slowed down with fair, and I’m feeling the effects.
- fair recharged wife’s batteries…despite physical health hit
I’m facing an uncomfortable thing that I need to do. I need to break things off with a potential poly partner before things get any more serious. I need to put my concerns to text to help navigate my way through.
A quick background in this person:
I met this person via OKC. I did the a list sub for a bit which included daily “boosts” that showed my profile to more people on their “double take” system… basically a Tinder copy. She saw me through there and actually messaged me first. I think that is the 2nd time I’ve ever been the receiver of a first contact initiation. It was flattering…and that is why it has been more difficult to break this off.
It is rare that anyone gives me compliment on my attractiveness right out of the gate. I was feeling particularly lonely at the time and played down the red flags. Thankfully nothing physically sexual has happened (text stuff is another story). The part that makes this particular hard to work through is she is a regular vet at faire, so I have a fear of things blowing up. I guess I need to convince myself that the worst case scenario is unlikely, and even if it were to happen it won’t be that bad. Anyway, on to the red flags.
This connection very quickly turned sexual online. One of the lessons I thought I learned from my previous poly relationships was that I moved things too fast. This almost feels like lightspeed in comparison 😅. The sexts started within hours. I went with it… again because I was feeling particularly lonely and sexually frustrated (my wife and I were on a particularly bad dry spell).
The other problems quickly followed. She is a major masochist. I thought my ex was relatively extreme at the time…this person literally wants to be punches, kicked, and wants to do the consentual non-consent thing. I am not comfortable with that. I thought I could be open minded and try to understand it. It is my understanding that people into this kink do so generally to retake control of abusive pasts. She definitely has that. I did let her know that I was uncomfortable with going that far and seemed to understand that. I let things escalate a little in person because of that. But now she seems to be trying to push things in that direction again.
My wife and her gf had a talk about this concern. Her gf has significant kink experience and gave some good points about the dangers here. Reminds me that I need to review safe and sane/rack again.
So take away all of these safety issues and I’m still left with a possible relationship with a person I don’t feel a strong emotional connection. The common interests are limited as well. I don’t see much in the way of emotional support.
The goal of poly for me remains to be filling in the hole Stephy left behind. I enjoy ren faires and craft stuff, but that is just 1 dimension of my personality. I have been on a mission of self-improvement since my mid 20s. Steph helped me a lot with that, even when the path was painful. I tried to do the same for her. I cannot continue that journey with a person who literally begs me to hurt them.
So to summarize the reasons why I need to break this off, mainly for myself:
- I don’t feel safe with that level of kink. Not so much because of the potential physical harm to myself, but more so the mental and even potentially social harm
- I do not feel comfortable with the STI risk on account of having no information on how partners sexual risk levels are tracked outside of just using protection.
- This relationship will not lead to me being a better or happier person.
- The physical distance would make maintaining this relationship logistically difficult
- She has stated visiting her home is not an option, which only makes the distance issue even harder.
- I do not feel a strong emotional connection. No “Fuck yes” feeling.