One more thought to explore later

With my understanding of locus of control, I better realize the depth of the problems I faced last year.  I strongly lean towards an internal locus of control.  The pro of this is that I can be very driven in going after a goal I’m interested in and I take responsibility for my actions readily.  The problem is I also tend to “inflict” responsibility on myself for others’ actions/responses (internalize negative responses).

I also have a bit of a fear of conflict, possibly related to this same issue.  Things got really challenging last year because I found myself in a situation where I had lost control, and the only way I could get it back was via confrontation.  I was afraid of conflict, because a probable negative response would have become internalized as a comment on myself…and so I choose to abstain, which only made the whole situation worse.  I then started approaching the external locus of control, which in the extreme can lead to depression from feeling helpless.

It is no wonder I had such a hard time.  This is why I have to face more situations in which there will be a negative response.  I need to balance out my drive on being responsible for my actions against not taking responsibility for things out of my control.  This will help me with facing conflict, and not beating myself up if things go wrong (and yet somehow still be able to learn what I can better from those interactions).

Being human is tough.

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Recognizing and respecting anxiety

So I finished the game Celeste today. Well, not counting the free dlc anyway. It was a beautiful experience and one I’ll write about in more detail later. The main point the game makes is that anxiety and/or depression (insecurity) is an important aspect of yourself that is there for a good reason and shouldn’t be ignored just because it might be getting in the way of the thing you want (or the event you fear coming to pass).

In the game, due to the special properties of the mountain the protagonist is trying to climb, that insecurity gets a body and can communicate the way people do.

Real anxiety can’t talk to you. It has trouble understanding what you are doing. It lives in that primal part of the brain that considers your survival the first priority. Since it can’t talk, it uses your emotion to communicate it senses danger. That emotion translates to physical responses in your body. It varies from person to person just how that manifests.

In my case, one of those responses is feeling my body start to become cold. I remember talking about that before in an emotional intelligence class…

I got cut off while I was working on this post. Part of that whole trying to be social despite my anxiety…and somehow trying to find a way to work with it.

So in addition to that cold sensation, I have started to understand the tension I feel building up in my muscles. Like a coil getting ready to be unleashed. It gets bad when I’m in group situations with a bunch of people I don’t know. I understand better where it comes from. I was picked on and exiled from groups as a kid often. That stuff was traumatizing. That “part of me” is just trying to protect me. It is not an unfounded fear either. People in groups tend to be dicks. I mean just look at the political environment. Tribal political for the lose.

Somehow I need to figure out how to be ok with that anxiety. Maybe I just need to continue to build my self-effiacy in those social scenarios. I need to believe I can survive those situations, and even benefit from them. Small bits of exposure may be the best way. It’ll be slow going, and there will be some bad moments. But I can do this.

1-20-19 Proxy will?

I’m a bit annoyed today, but not directly at my wife.  More so at the situation.  She had some serious insomnia last night, could not sleep till 5 am.  So she won’t make PT today.  That shit is expensive.

 

But aside from that, I suspect I know why she has sleeping trouble.  The naps, work stress, and total lack of exercise.  I tried taking the “lead by example” approach and hoped she would pick up on the good habits, but that has not happened.  I’m getting more worried about her health.  Maybe I should take the more strong arm approach like I did with her finances?  I may just have to the pull that card, even in face of her work that has her stay late.  Her health is more important to me than a couple hours extra of an already weak paycheck.

Positive traits 2019

These are in no particular order.

  • I have an iron will
  • I’m intelligent
  • I am a Slytherin in that I’m focused, do not let obstacles stop me, and I’m deeply loyal to my close friends.
  • I’m “really good at fucking”
  • 5/5 pornstar rating
  • I have a ton of physical endurance
  • I’m learn from my mistakes
  • I’m a good listener
  • I make people feel safe
  • The “glue” of my family
  • Patient
  • Resourceful
  • I’ve been equated to a swiss army knife
  • I can surprise people with how passionate I can be in face to my usual quiet reserved demeanor
  • Insightful
  • respectful of others’ feelings
  • Soulful eyes
  • Attractive shoulders
  • Looks good in black
  • I am detail oriented
  • I am clever
  • I am good at goal setting
  • I am good at creating evocative imagery through my writing.
  • I’m known as the person who can find answers to almost anything
  • I’m still pretty good at video games
  • I’m a decent shield fighter when larping
  • I have “good battlefield awareness”
  • I have been a professional mentor
  • Open minded
  • Analytical
  • Good planner
  • Self-Driven
  • Independent
  • Has grit
  • Great problem solver
  • Fast reaction speed
  • Persistent*
  • Supportive of those close to me
  • Humble to a fault (I write as I try play up my strengths)
  • I smell nice.
  • I appreciate constructive critism
  • I generally have a positive outlook on life.
  • I workout regularly.
  • I eat healthy by cooking my own meals and prepping food for the week.
  • I enjoy stories that explore the moral grey
  • I love playing D&D
  • I enjoy Ren Faires
  • I don’t care for most sports (but I do enjoy watching UFC fights when the situation presents itself)
  • My chest hair resembles the Batman signal

12-20-18 workout

I’m close to getting 15 clean pushups in before my form craps out…anyhow

  1. Warmup run with high knees, butt kickers, sprints, side shuffles
  2. dynamic stretches with 20 high knees between each exercise
  3. Partner setup, 5/5/5 to 25/25/25 pushups, situps, squats; increment 5
  4. circuit
    1. 3 tire flips
    2. tire step throughs
    3. 10 rope slams
    4. 10 medicine ball slams
    5. 10 ab rollers
    6. 10 sliders, knees to chest
    7. high knees via agility ladder
  5. Circuit 2
    1. 15 box jumps
    2. 15 trx rows
    3. “box sprint”…run forward, shuffle left, run backwards, shuffle right
    4. squat jacks along fire hose
  6. Circuit 3
    1. Any of the above exercises for 10 count (except tire flips)
    2. “man maker” with 10lb dumbells
      1. sprawl to pushup, single arm row while holding plank, each side, then back to squat, curl, shoulder press
  7. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaabs
    1. flutter kicks 1-2-3/25
    2. knees to chest 25
    3. situps 25
    4. crunches 40 (elbows touch knees)
  8. Stretch

 

12-18-18 All in?

Something I’m mentally grappling with now is whether I want to add Kenpo back onto my plate (while still doing the morning SF workouts). While I’m still not at the weight I want to be, I’m definitely significantly stronger and have better endurance than when I last trained.

There are several problems I have to address if I do this.

  1. I will always be a bit late, since it starts at 6pm.
  2. I have to deal with that extra cost
  3. I won’t have enough time to eat dinner at home, so I’ll have to bring dinner to work and eat at like 4:30.
  4. If I maintain SF too, I will not have any time for playing games. Am I prepared to make that choice? Do I not only want to fix my body that badly, but do I also want master a martial art, and my own body that badly as well?
  5. Even less time with my wife
  6. If poly ever becomes a thing again, it won’t be very possible with only sat and Sunday available.
  7. Any other social initiatives during the week will be unavailable.

12-10-18 Emotional stuff

Things have been calm overall. I definitely had enough of my social fill on Thursday through Saturday. I also had my most successful twitch to date… unexpected too.

Things have been stable between my wife and I. I went to a work dinner for her job Thursday night. Friday night we went to a soldierfit ugly sweater party at the Rockville ale House. Saturday night we went to the limerick pub to watch the misbehaving maidens performance. Sunday we had personal training. I spent a good chunk of the day on chores.

It was interesting how Friday she wasn’t quite in her element socializing like normal. This was a function of her not regularly going to class. Also it was very crowded and loud.

Saturday felt a bit awkward with that “hole in the wall” feeling the bar gave. Overall it was a fun performance to watch. I also got some dice out of it.

Every so often I’ll think about the poly experience. I did enjoy being able to feel attractive in a hard to deny way. I got to be physical in a different and more intense way. But some of the costs were too much.

Post Thanksgiving 2018

I had a decent Thanksgiving. Drove down to SC with the wife. Listened to Alex Verus book 6 and started 7. We learned that driving the Wednesday before Thanksgiving sucks. So we will want to leave Tuesday or obscenely early Wednesday morning. Like 2 or 3 am.

My sister seems to be getting nicer overall. Went biking with my uncle. My calves aren’t used to long distance riding anymore. Felt it initially in my knees but the calves were what became sore a couple days later.

One thing I’m dreading is the prospect of driving down to FL to see my mother in law. Too much drama, especially for such a long drive. And dealing with Sammy was kind of annoying. And not cheap.

Halloween 2

I’m thinking on the latest A drama. Her symptoms are resurfacing and her partner Jason is being a selfish prick imo. He’s breaking up because of how her health condition effects him. Fuck that noise.

I’m reminded of my father when he was dying. I held his hand and felt his life slip away. It was a fucking horrible experience. But, in part due to my father’s overwhelming bravery in the face of inevitable death, I came out a stronger man.

There are a lot of reasons to break out of a relationship. A person being an emotionally toxic and draining leech being one, regardless of their brain chemistry imbalances. But a physical chronic condition? No.

We’re all going to die. Some slower than others. Let’s at least make the time we have together the best possible.