Still fighting the battles in my mind. It probably does not help that my sleep has been sub-par. I did get in a hiit run this morning though. Nothing is as consistent at getting a high heart rate than interval sprints.

I think on Tuesdays I will build a food plan around having a full protein bar, maybe before my kenpo class. That way i can come home, do my improv class, then shower and immediately go to bed.

Just gotta stay the course. Soon I’ll get that home gym going and get back about an hour of sleep.

I wanted to write down what I felt from an experience last night. It was a positive experience. I suppose that is a bit of a departure from how I’ve often used this blog to vent out difficult emotions onto a mostly unknown space on the internet. Why not do this one word files or any other number of offline solutions? I don’t know. Why hand write anything on a physical diary? It just feels like it is the thing I should do.

I listened to a podcast yesterday on an interview between Neil Gaiman and David Tennant at the suggestion of my wife. There were bits on writing that resonated with me. One of those was the experience of feeling a story inside of you that just needs to get out there. It doesn’t matter if no one ever reads it. It is just an act of creation that must happen. And so here I go, writing a sort of free-form poetry/prose about a muse I met at a bar that sparked something inside of me through a simple connection.

Borrowing on an idea from one of my favorite book series, the Dresden Files…I think I may have stumbled my way into a real life soul gaze. She was a dancer at a bar I visited as part of a bachelor party outing. There are many kinds of beauty out there, but her’s seemed to be something unique. There was something about her eyes that cut through all of the years of mental calluses built from a lifetime of people formed of false facades of spirit. I found myself smiling like it was the most effortless thing in the world. She smiled back…with her eyes. It was one of the simplest yet most profound human connections one can have, I think. It felt as if an incorporeal hand had reached into my chest and gently massaged my heart into accepting the joy that permeated this moment of time. All of my past stresses and future anxieties were put on mute for a spell and I found a rare moment of unfiltered human connection. This is a moment I hope to invoke in my future writing aspirations whenever I describe the start of the spark between two strangers.

Writing this stuff is an outlet for when I’m feeling down. It doesn’t mean I’m always this way. It just helps since I don’t have anyone I trust to talk about it (and getting a therapist that covers the areas I deal with isn’t an option right now).

I think I’m feeling that loneliness sensation again. Like I don’t believe I’m loved. Or perhaps that I even deserve it. I’m sure childhood trauma and depression are at play here. My only thought to keep this at bay is continue hammering down on my workouts and more importantly keeping my walking routine up. When I look back at my successful periods in terms of health (and mood, because they are absolutely linked), my step count is always high. Walking isn’t very fancy and doesn’t do a whole lot for optimal health but it sure does seem to make a difference in keeping my weight at a range I like. I’m aware of the narrative trying to decouple health and value…but fuck man that’s a hard road for me to get on. I struggle to find value in myself beyond my plain grit when it comes to that stuff. I think I struggle to see my value period. The only other thing I can look at are the couple of D&D games I run and the fact that my salary affords me the ability to keep a roof over the head of my wife, my sister, the pets, and myself.

Depressive thoughts can go fuck themselves in general.

not feeling great today.

I know I was feeling better a couple days ago. This morning I’m feeling a sizable dose of depression, paranoia, distrust…resentment? Just trying to keep track of when I feel these things. Not necessarily the cognitive cause. It isn’t logic.

2nd bad mental health day in a row. Can’t tell if it is a combination of the heightened anxiety or just plain ol’ depression/loneliness. I don’t have the energy to get into the details of it now. Just writing down the status for tracking purposes. It’s dark in here right now.

I’m not yet entirely sure what triggered it. Maybe increase testosterone from all the squats and dead lifts today. Maybe feeling a boundary was crossed last night when my wife responded to a message not intended for her instead of checking with me (regardless of what I was doing at the time). Maybe that I barely spend any quality time with her despite the fact she has been out of work for about 4 months now. She isn’t particular invested either it feels sometimes. Maybe seeing S on social media triggered a depression episode…just the sight of her still bothers me. Taking an idea from the book I’ve been listening to, “Rewire your anxious brain”, it could very well be my amygdala trying to keep me from harm by pushing everything away from me. I’m having trouble seeing a way out of this. Writing might help though. To some degree writing I suppose forces my PFC to engage more. It’s still a near thing though. I’m sure I’m not making much sense now but I don’t write this for an audience anyway.

I’m just so used to loss. People leaving or they just stop caring. It’s the same story over and over. I can’t just ignore it and put on that fake happy like I do at work. I feel simultaneously overwhelmed and under valued. This abandonment sensation feels even worse when I have others’ responsibilities thrown on top of me. Which I realize it is a bit of a paradox to state. Maybe I am feeling used as well. I’m not sure. I’m just throwing words at the screen, hoping to find another meaning, another way out.

My wife was laid off this week. I’m still battling with feelings of rejection and shame. and now I’m feeling frustrated at this whole situation. I don’t have anyone I can trust to turn to on talking this stuff out. Maybe I really am being walked all over. Even if it isn’t intentional or malicious in intent, the experience is still happening. I’m trying to be understanding of the head space she is in regarding everything, but am I really just enabling giving up? She did the one thing today, and then has slept the rest of the day. I know she’s aware of all the carrying I do for us, but her response is to give in to despair instead of help. Is this going to be another instance of me enabling someone by helping? Do I take the dick approach and lock down everything? And even if I did, it doesn’t matter if she just continues to give in to depression and stay unconscious all the time. I think I’ve still got a year and a half of needing to hold on to this home. and I’ve got 2 years on this loan, which I took out to survive the tax hit and help resolve her lawyer issue. I need cooperation. I need forward progress. I’m not going to be satisfied with my life by just getting by. I never was really.