Anxiety is the start of a process

And what I want to do is get closer to the feeling to understand it and determine if it needs to be addressed or not. I should not feel bad for experiencing anxiety. It is an adaptive function.

Advertisements

“Trust is the Foundation of Communication”

I was in a poly discussion the other week.  The topic was about tact.  At some point during the discussion, the idea that “Trust is the Foundation of Communication” was repeated a few times.

This idea is ringing now in regards to my wife.  If she is constantly saying what she is going to do but never follows through, how do I trust her?  If I can’t trust her word when it comes to actions, why should I trust her word at all?

 

update:

 

Talked with her about it.  We’ve made some progress on finding a better path.

8-12-19 updates

I’m not quite sure where my mind is at the moment.  Maybe this is why I write.  I gotta pin down those thoughts somehow.

Looking at my last post, poly stuff is at a bit of a standstill.  I did eventually let Page know I wasn’t interested in pursuing things beyond friends.  This happened after we met up once and made out a little towards the end. Aside from the risks of her bordering extreme kink stuff, I also had had concerns about her STI and personal health management.  Also, I’m trying not to be mean…but the teeth thing caught me off guard as well.  I just can’t get ignore it and it definitely puts a damper on the attraction side of things, and seeing as how that particular engagement was primary based out of her attracted to me…I just can’t go through with it. Her texts have become a lot less frequent now, so I think her interest is waning.  I may still end up seeing her around at faire though.  I’m not sure how that’ll go, especially if there are days I’m there alone.

I went to a poly discussion group and got to reconnect with “mel” again.  She is a genuine joy to be around and I appreciate the banter that bounces between us.  She showed interest in meeting up again.  Time will tell if there is an actual follow through on that.  I’m hoping so.

And then another confusion spot for me.  I’ve been talking with A on and off lately.  I still think about her from time to time.  The emotional insecurity is the main thing I worry about.  I also worry about how engaging with her will effect things with my wife (who was involved before) and whether that could have an impact on Mel if things ever got there.  Yeah I know, “Poly” should mean you aren’t limited to one person, but there are physical and emotional considerations beyond that.

My wife had a break down yesterday regarding failing class.  I still think her job is a big contributor to the issues she has been having.  It kind of pisses me off when a job gets all hell bent about a person arriving on time, yet doesn’t give a shit when the person has to stay late continually because of other people’s shit.  Doing a good job > punctuality…the exception being if your work type actually needs you to be there for a set time (i.e. a teacher, or support rep that is needed for coverage in a team setting).  If your work is defined by days rather than minutes/hours…doesn’t make sense to me.  It pisses me off more so when the person’s health is the price to appeasing the employer.

I did up pulling that loan.  That is the biggest credit jump I’ve ever seen.    Being on the hook for ~700 a month for the next 3 years is a bit scary.  We worked the budget so that we should be able to make good progress on nailing the rest of our debts quicker…provided nothing breaks.  If my wife can find a better paying job with an actual work/life balance, we should do well.  I still need to plan for the solo scenario though.

 

7-17-19 catch up

Life got busy and I found myself lacking the time to even just complete a text dump here. I’m not sure where to start.

Poly stuff has put me in a strange place recently. I met someone 3 weeks ago who was surprisingly forward for what I’m used to dealing with. And now it has hit this strange super casual thing which I’m not comfortable with. It is difficult for me to feel for anyone over the ocassional short text every few days. Even if they’re “sweet” texts, I don’t feel right trying to reply in the same way. It isn’t authentic. I guess it would be difficult to work anyway as she has a much different life style than I do, so our interests and passions don’t align. It is mostly a chemistry thing. I’m aware most guys would love that sort of setup, but not me. I need to feel that mental connection. Whatever other relationship I get into has to bring the best out of me in someway. Or at least something positive. With Amber it at least encouraged my art exploration.

And then we pan over to this new person. We’ll use page as a name. We haven’t met in person yet she puts forwardness on a whole new level. She has some kinks that honestly could get me in trouble if things go wrong. She’s also been very frequent and intense in her communications and seems to expect the same from me. In addition, going back to my earlier thought, I’m not sure interactions with her will bring out the good parts of me. I’m worried it’ll bring out something really bad instead. And not the “hot” kind of bad. I do have a meet up planned this Saturday. My instinct is telling me to be careful. I should heed that.

Financial stuff has been challenging, but I think there is a good plan going. I ended up taking out a consolidation loan. I had decided against it earlier, but after getting fucked by the IRS and state tax, I’m down 9k and all due in a short time. So with this, I can hold them off and get my cc debts down so I stop bleeding out in interest. At the rate things were going, it would be years of making little headway. After a year of this loan (of 3) I should already be cutting ahead in terms of interest saved.

This leads into budget management. I think I already wrote on this earlier. I configured custom budgets in mint for play money for the wife, myself, and a couple fund. This was a fresh month. Wife is already capped on her budget. So this is where the real test begins. Will she stay disciplined or do I have to take cards away?

I’m still worried about her health too. I get work and school have robbed her of all time. The school is meant to be the ticket out of her job and ultimately debt situation. But she is still paying the health price now, and I am not sure if that damage can be recovered from when time opens up.

6-21-19 aggravated

I’m feeling easily aggravated this morning. I think yesterday’s letter that I owe even more tax money to the state from 2016. This comes a day after I just paid the remainder of the fed tax I owed. Another letter that went to the wrong address too, so I got charges another 1k in interest and penalties too, because “fuck you” I guess.

I cooked up some beans last night after going for a ~ 3 mile run. I forgot to pack away the excess and found out this morning when I was setting up my coffee (which I also forgot to program the night before).

Work has been sucking too. I’m getting so much shit dumped on me that I can’t do a whole lot about either because of permission issues, lack of documentation, or just plain lack of training… I can only self teach so much, especially when I don’t even get time to focus on that. I barely have enough time in my personal time to keep up.

The wife is supposed to go on some great cleaning marathon this weekend. I am doubting it will happen. I am jaded as fuck right now.

I’m not sure how to keep it together right now.

7-2-19 frustration

This is the thing I am feeling this morning. I suppose I am feeling some anxiety over work too with the load being as intense as it is.

Marital life has been bumpy lately…if that phrase even makes sense. She is dealing with depression. Possibly because of the anxiety medication she is on. The discussion came up to lower the dose, or maybe even get off of it all together. I guess the question that should ultimately be asked is does she think was better off before she got onto it. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that she is expecting me to provide external validations via the “you can do it” type statements, even if it requires me suspending my realism and lying. I don’t lie well at all, nor can I take enthusiasm. Moreover, I don’t think that depending on an outside source of validation is a sustainable strategy for long term positive change.

What effect is this ultimately having on me? For the most part I feel like I have a dependent rather than a partner who contributes to a net positive future. I know… actually scratch that I’m not sure anymore if her heart is really in the right place. That was the main idea that got me through tough spots with her before and was a major factor in my deciding to marry her. But after the last year where she was aligned against me despite the serious emotional crisis I was experiencing made me realize that when push comes to shove… I was on my own.

Here is the key question I suppose. And maybe I’m mean a bit grouchy right now, but ultimately this blog is for me to explore my emotions…to put them to form and see if they truly hold…

Is her depression, impulse control issues, and unwillingness to just deal with the grind of a greater weight than her love for me? If something happens to me, is she at all capable of recovering or will she be another statistic.

6-13-19 post therapy

Points brought up

  • Let wife know it is ok to reach out to me on wanting to spend time. Talked about cycle of fear of rejection
  • Focus more on time spending together if that is what brings happiness.
  • I’d like to plan to visit more faires, like Michigan…maybe Sterling one?
  • Wife inviting me to spend time with her is how our relationship started
  • I’m more busy than I give credit for

6-13-19 pre-therapy thoughts

It’s that time of the month where I try to recall the emotional journey I’ve been through this month so I can get the most out of my session later today.  Currently I feel…neutral?  I guess I’ll make some quick bullet points on the things that are more top of mind…slightly better organized that way.

  • Marriage
    • I created “X_discretionary” categories in our combined mint for individual play money in an attempt to help my wife better control her finances.  The akimbo card method isn’t working, mostly due to technical issues.
    • I also created a couple_discretionary budget to account for stuff we do together, i.e. faires
    • Her health has gotten worse in terms of fitness.  She prioritizes work more than her health.  On an emotional level, I feel like that is shit.  This is also why I *hate* the billable hour model.  I don’t feel like she will change on that front.  The most I can do right now is wait out until she is done with school this year, and keep the finances under control.  I suppose the question then is what happens after?  The assumption is that she’ll be working on her business next.  Ideally she’d switch to a company that doesn’t constantly expect her to work late hours and not give holiday pay unless she’s working.  I expect she’ll have the same work obsession, probably even worse, when she does take up her own business.  I don’t feel like her health will ever be a priority.  Which makes me sad, and afraid.  Because I know how that story ends.  It feels like some looming inevitable curse where I know I’m going to be emotionally devastated once her health becomes critical because of her lack of time spent addressing her health.  I’m not capable of just cutting things off, emotionally or practically.  I’m just waiting patiently for the bomb of suck to explode right next to me.  I don’t like it.  I guess I don’t have any hope for things to improve.  Maybe I can ask if there will ever be a time she thinks she’ll dedicate to her health? That’ll probably send her on a shame spiral too.  Can’t win.
  • Finances
    • Considering taking out a CC debt consolidation loan since the plan to pay it off manually failed with the tax situation.
    • There is a bit of an irony that I make more and spend way less than my wife when looking at these discretionary funds now.  Well, maybe more of a dark humor than irony.  The majority of the money goes to food.
  • Fitness
    • The early morning workouts have been consistent.  I haven’t done as much rucking as I had planned.  I ran into some difficulties with it.  It might just be as simple as reducing the weight even more.  I had right hip problems last friday (maybe related to the snapping hip issue, almost felt like it was getting pulled apart on large step downs)
    • I should take up that evaluation from SSR, even though I really don’t want to pay more money right now.
    • I should recognize that I am still making some strength “gainz” despite being hard on myself.  My pushup form has improved so that I am doing them correctly (Started shortcutting earlier until it was pointed out, resolved).  I’m still no where close to being able to output the insane volume some trainers seem to want, but 12 isn’t horrible.
  • Poly
    • Not a whole lot of movement here.  I’ve been struggling lately with thoughts of my last ex.  There were good times, and the sex was really good, but then I looked over the texts/messages before I broke it off and saw all the shit thrown at me and remember why I got out.  I can’t go back, even if it feels like it would be “easy”.
    • I had a date maybe 3 weekends ago?  It went well enough, but I could tell the person had a lot of negativity inside of them, and her mother’s health issues were only going to make it worse.  I did appreciate how direct and quick she was to get to the point, but I could tell it would not have been a happy relationship and likely would of impeded my other health goals.
    • I think it was 2 weeks ago I had a date with J.  From what I can see of FB, it looks like she is starting a relationship with someone else.  Which is fine.  While she was attractive, I never quite felt that intense connection with her like I did with the last couple of poly relationships I did get into.  It makes it easier on me really.
    • I’ve been talking on and off with T via hangouts.  I kind of like that she represents another introverted soul but I’m unclear on what she is looking for romantically speaking.  At some point I’ll have to push for at least 1 in person meeting.  Ideally before faire season, where she expressed interest in hanging out.  A whole day thing might be a bit much without at least 1 earlier in person meeting.
    • I was thinking about my first poly relationship, and how I screwed things up there.  It wasn’t perfect, but it felt really nice to have someone that was actually into me.  My own shame issues made it irrecoverable.
  • Social
    • I had planned to start using tuesdays to invest a little more social energy, and at least hop onto a friend’s twitch channel to support.  That didn’t happen.  Doing anything during the week is difficult with my morning schedule, and I haven’t really formed any workout friends.  I wonder if that is a thing I should push for?
  • Career
    • I think this is stable for the most part.  Work is still tough with the many projects I’m juggling, along with the support and security issues (Which can often seem at ends to each other).  I do feel a bit bad that I haven’t been able to make as much progress as I would like.  Getting RDS to work on Azure has been a pain, and I still have a couple ghost support issues.
  • Goals
    • I’m pretty focused on the fitness aspect now.  Maybe because I put so much of my time into it I’m feeling frustrated that I’m not making more progress.  Progress being wanting to get into the 170s…maybe even 160s.  I should spend more weekend time doing something fitness related, aside from SF.  I’ve felt overwhelmed just trying to keep up with house maintenance to even get that time.

I think this is enough for now.

Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture interpretation

This weekend I played the game “Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture”.  I got into it because I happened across the soundtrack for the game.  That music is hauntingly beautiful and sad.  A strong enough music score had been enough to get me into a game before.  Thinking of all the Vulnerability work I’ve been reading on lately, I realize games (particularly story-rich single player games) have often functioned as a relatively safe place for me to allow myself to be vulnerable and express and process emotions that have been sitting there in my psyche.

This game touched upon death in a heavy way, and those who know me and/or actually read this stuff know I’ve been heavily impacted by death in the past couple of years.  Truth be told, it has been a major factor in the path my life has taken after I lost my mother to cancer back when I was 18.  I lost my father to cancer just a little over 2 years ago, and then my best friend to suicide a few months after that.

Put briefly, the plot of this game begins ~30 minutes after the apocalypse in which everyone is gone.  No bodies (except the birds), just gone.  You spend the game following the story lines of 6 characters as they experience this end time.  You see the story acted out by their light shadows.  You learn to understand what happened between that and all of the many environmental clues.

Spoilers incoming:

You learn that somewhat accidentally an entity made of light is brought to earth via a couple of scientists.  It wants to communicate with people, but the way it communicates is ultimately deadly to any animal life more complicated than an insect.  With humans, they start to experience flu like symptoms, until it ultimately becomes fatal and they are literally dispersed into light.  It spreads quickly, via electrical signals, radio signals, and human voice.  I think everyone is gone in a matter of days.

All of that game story is mostly beside the point.  What I felt from this is that it was really a story about accepting the death of loved ones, and ultimately accepting your own death.  It brings some comfort, via science of all things (which to be fair, a lot of the time it can be a bit of a buzzkill, as useful as it can be).  If I understand correctly, all things give off some light.  When that light leaves the planet and goes into the vacuum of space (which is also why I think the game showed the galaxy in the sky after every character’s end), it goes on infinitely.  So in that sense, a part of you is infinite to the cosmos.  Unless you get caught by a blackhole…although I suppose one could play with the idea of blackholes feeding into other universes.  Nothing living makes it through…but if light is a conduit for information?  I swear I’m not high.  If anything I’m low…if that is a thing.

So anyway, I do find a bit of comfort knowing that all of those that are dead continue to cast a light out into the universe.  Possibly infinite and maybe even to other universes.  So perhaps in a real way, we will all see each other again…just perhaps in a slightly different configuration.

 

Below is a quote, and also the lyrics from the end song that has resonated with me.

“In the wake of a human being’s death, what survives is a set of afterglows, some brighter and some dimmer, in the collective brains of those dearest to them. There is, in those who remain, a collective corona that still glows – Douglas Hofstadter”

 

“The Light We Cast”

Now everything has come to rest
The end has come and I am not afraid
We travel on towards a new beginning
We slip away and we are unafraid
We’re born a part
The waters carry us
An endless dark in sovereign galaxies
The light we cast
Creates a bridge
And guides the way across the ages deep
I see them all
I see them dancing
In the endless numbers of the night
I love you in the ebbing of the tide
I love you in the quiet inner lands
I love you in the garden of butterflies
Now everything has come to rest
The end has come and I am not afraid
We travel on towards a new beginning
We slip away and we are unafraid
We slip away and we are unafraid
Unafraid

One more thought to explore later

With my understanding of locus of control, I better realize the depth of the problems I faced last year.  I strongly lean towards an internal locus of control.  The pro of this is that I can be very driven in going after a goal I’m interested in and I take responsibility for my actions readily.  The problem is I also tend to “inflict” responsibility on myself for others’ actions/responses (internalize negative responses).

I also have a bit of a fear of conflict, possibly related to this same issue.  Things got really challenging last year because I found myself in a situation where I had lost control, and the only way I could get it back was via confrontation.  I was afraid of conflict, because a probable negative response would have become internalized as a comment on myself…and so I choose to abstain, which only made the whole situation worse.  I then started approaching the external locus of control, which in the extreme can lead to depression from feeling helpless.

It is no wonder I had such a hard time.  This is why I have to face more situations in which there will be a negative response.  I need to balance out my drive on being responsible for my actions against not taking responsibility for things out of my control.  This will help me with facing conflict, and not beating myself up if things go wrong (and yet somehow still be able to learn what I can better from those interactions).

Being human is tough.