And what I want to do is get closer to the feeling to understand it and determine if it needs to be addressed or not. I should not feel bad for experiencing anxiety. It is an adaptive function.
I was in a poly discussion the other week. The topic was about tact. At some point during the discussion, the idea that “Trust is the Foundation of Communication” was repeated a few times.
This idea is ringing now in regards to my wife. If she is constantly saying what she is going to do but never follows through, how do I trust her? If I can’t trust her word when it comes to actions, why should I trust her word at all?
Talked with her about it. We’ve made some progress on finding a better path.
- 500m rows
- Deadlift bar 90lb 12×1
- Dl bar 140lb 10×3
- Dl bar 170lb 5×3 (struggled on form)
- Squats with 40lb dumbbell 12×3
- Cable row 100lb 10×3 then superset tricep pulldown 80lb 8×3
- MTN climber x10, plankjack x5… increment by 10 and 5 until 50 and 25 reps
- Dumbbell lunge 30 lb 8×3, both legs… focus on raised calf
- Rdl 35lb 12×3
- Front lat raise thumbs out 12.5lb 10×3 and superset lat raise 12×3…reverse on last set
- Pulldown palms face me 120lb 5×3
- Kb 35 lb upright row 12×3
I’m not quite sure where my mind is at the moment. Maybe this is why I write. I gotta pin down those thoughts somehow.
Looking at my last post, poly stuff is at a bit of a standstill. I did eventually let Page know I wasn’t interested in pursuing things beyond friends. This happened after we met up once and made out a little towards the end. Aside from the risks of her bordering extreme kink stuff, I also had had concerns about her STI and personal health management. Also, I’m trying not to be mean…but the teeth thing caught me off guard as well. I just can’t get ignore it and it definitely puts a damper on the attraction side of things, and seeing as how that particular engagement was primary based out of her attracted to me…I just can’t go through with it. Her texts have become a lot less frequent now, so I think her interest is waning. I may still end up seeing her around at faire though. I’m not sure how that’ll go, especially if there are days I’m there alone.
I went to a poly discussion group and got to reconnect with “mel” again. She is a genuine joy to be around and I appreciate the banter that bounces between us. She showed interest in meeting up again. Time will tell if there is an actual follow through on that. I’m hoping so.
And then another confusion spot for me. I’ve been talking with A on and off lately. I still think about her from time to time. The emotional insecurity is the main thing I worry about. I also worry about how engaging with her will effect things with my wife (who was involved before) and whether that could have an impact on Mel if things ever got there. Yeah I know, “Poly” should mean you aren’t limited to one person, but there are physical and emotional considerations beyond that.
My wife had a break down yesterday regarding failing class. I still think her job is a big contributor to the issues she has been having. It kind of pisses me off when a job gets all hell bent about a person arriving on time, yet doesn’t give a shit when the person has to stay late continually because of other people’s shit. Doing a good job > punctuality…the exception being if your work type actually needs you to be there for a set time (i.e. a teacher, or support rep that is needed for coverage in a team setting). If your work is defined by days rather than minutes/hours…doesn’t make sense to me. It pisses me off more so when the person’s health is the price to appeasing the employer.
I did up pulling that loan. That is the biggest credit jump I’ve ever seen. Being on the hook for ~700 a month for the next 3 years is a bit scary. We worked the budget so that we should be able to make good progress on nailing the rest of our debts quicker…provided nothing breaks. If my wife can find a better paying job with an actual work/life balance, we should do well. I still need to plan for the solo scenario though.