7-17-19 catch up

Life got busy and I found myself lacking the time to even just complete a text dump here. I’m not sure where to start.

Poly stuff has put me in a strange place recently. I met someone 3 weeks ago who was surprisingly forward for what I’m used to dealing with. And now it has hit this strange super casual thing which I’m not comfortable with. It is difficult for me to feel for anyone over the ocassional short text every few days. Even if they’re “sweet” texts, I don’t feel right trying to reply in the same way. It isn’t authentic. I guess it would be difficult to work anyway as she has a much different life style than I do, so our interests and passions don’t align. It is mostly a chemistry thing. I’m aware most guys would love that sort of setup, but not me. I need to feel that mental connection. Whatever other relationship I get into has to bring the best out of me in someway. Or at least something positive. With Amber it at least encouraged my art exploration.

And then we pan over to this new person. We’ll use page as a name. We haven’t met in person yet she puts forwardness on a whole new level. She has some kinks that honestly could get me in trouble if things go wrong. She’s also been very frequent and intense in her communications and seems to expect the same from me. In addition, going back to my earlier thought, I’m not sure interactions with her will bring out the good parts of me. I’m worried it’ll bring out something really bad instead. And not the “hot” kind of bad. I do have a meet up planned this Saturday. My instinct is telling me to be careful. I should heed that.

Financial stuff has been challenging, but I think there is a good plan going. I ended up taking out a consolidation loan. I had decided against it earlier, but after getting fucked by the IRS and state tax, I’m down 9k and all due in a short time. So with this, I can hold them off and get my cc debts down so I stop bleeding out in interest. At the rate things were going, it would be years of making little headway. After a year of this loan (of 3) I should already be cutting ahead in terms of interest saved.

This leads into budget management. I think I already wrote on this earlier. I configured custom budgets in mint for play money for the wife, myself, and a couple fund. This was a fresh month. Wife is already capped on her budget. So this is where the real test begins. Will she stay disciplined or do I have to take cards away?

I’m still worried about her health too. I get work and school have robbed her of all time. The school is meant to be the ticket out of her job and ultimately debt situation. But she is still paying the health price now, and I am not sure if that damage can be recovered from when time opens up.

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6-21-19 aggravated

I’m feeling easily aggravated this morning. I think yesterday’s letter that I owe even more tax money to the state from 2016. This comes a day after I just paid the remainder of the fed tax I owed. Another letter that went to the wrong address too, so I got charges another 1k in interest and penalties too, because “fuck you” I guess.

I cooked up some beans last night after going for a ~ 3 mile run. I forgot to pack away the excess and found out this morning when I was setting up my coffee (which I also forgot to program the night before).

Work has been sucking too. I’m getting so much shit dumped on me that I can’t do a whole lot about either because of permission issues, lack of documentation, or just plain lack of training… I can only self teach so much, especially when I don’t even get time to focus on that. I barely have enough time in my personal time to keep up.

The wife is supposed to go on some great cleaning marathon this weekend. I am doubting it will happen. I am jaded as fuck right now.

I’m not sure how to keep it together right now.

7-2-19 frustration

This is the thing I am feeling this morning. I suppose I am feeling some anxiety over work too with the load being as intense as it is.

Marital life has been bumpy lately…if that phrase even makes sense. She is dealing with depression. Possibly because of the anxiety medication she is on. The discussion came up to lower the dose, or maybe even get off of it all together. I guess the question that should ultimately be asked is does she think was better off before she got onto it. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that she is expecting me to provide external validations via the “you can do it” type statements, even if it requires me suspending my realism and lying. I don’t lie well at all, nor can I take enthusiasm. Moreover, I don’t think that depending on an outside source of validation is a sustainable strategy for long term positive change.

What effect is this ultimately having on me? For the most part I feel like I have a dependent rather than a partner who contributes to a net positive future. I know… actually scratch that I’m not sure anymore if her heart is really in the right place. That was the main idea that got me through tough spots with her before and was a major factor in my deciding to marry her. But after the last year where she was aligned against me despite the serious emotional crisis I was experiencing made me realize that when push comes to shove… I was on my own.

Here is the key question I suppose. And maybe I’m mean a bit grouchy right now, but ultimately this blog is for me to explore my emotions…to put them to form and see if they truly hold…

Is her depression, impulse control issues, and unwillingness to just deal with the grind of a greater weight than her love for me? If something happens to me, is she at all capable of recovering or will she be another statistic.