Hopes and Dreams

What are mine?  I will add to this over time and sticky.

  • A larger home where I can protect the family that still lives and those that do not exist yet. My mother wanted the house that I grew up in to be there for her kids. It was for a little while I suppose. Until Noe fucked it up. I want to fix that for our next generation.
  • In prep for the above, I want to work closer to home.
  • I want my wife to find fulfillment in her life.
  • I want to hit black belt in one martial art discipline.
  • I want to be strong enough to climb a tree.
  • I want to be able to cosplay Letho halfway decently.
  • I want to learn how to craft unique wings of my own.
  • I want to travel more of the world while I’m young enough to let the experience change my perspective.
  • I want to be alive long enough to see my sister reach her dreams of being a doctor.

One other thought

I’m normally a very modest person.  In fact, I can be crippling shy and withdrawn at times.  Despite this, whenever I allow myself to be open…I seem to have a powerful effect on people.  Whether  it is social or physical, it seems to be a thing that is happening.  I can’t afford to allow myself to be weighed down by my own self doubts.  In this short foray into deepening my connections with people on multiple levels, I’m seeing quickly that people will attach themselves to me hard when given the option.  This is a responsibility I need to be careful with.


I need to keep writing down my thoughts, and moreover, things I need to talk with people about.  I suppose my main challenge now, especially around chatty people, is that it can be hard for me to get words in sometimes.  When I do, it is often just a surface response or quip to whatever was recently said.  I need to do more to do cut to the heart of important matters.

Discussion points to think about

This is going to be more of a reference setup for me later. Planning to talk with the wife and re-calibrate on our goals, and how to continue being healthy human beings.  I’m also going to edit this as more relevant ideas come to mind.

  • What makes a positive relationship?
  • Confirm that it is always ok to walk away. This should be obvious, but clearly for A in regards to J it is not. Sometimes hyper intelligence with a big serving of compassion can actually be a liability. I don’t like the idea of either of us being at risk because she is feeling responsible for a legit psycho. Maybe I can defend myself if things ever became physical, but if it escalates even further to knives or guns, then it game over. Nothing I’m seeing here justifies that risk. I will say she is right in that things need to slow down. Limerence is hella powerful.
  • A discussion my wife and I have had several times is the need to be around people with qualities we want to develop. In that regard I think Kat is good for my wife. I respect people that work towards goals. I also really respect that she reached out and made the effort to connect with my wife’s meta (me)and family. She shows an incredible level of respect and caution. I would like to encourage the development of that relationship.
  • With A, it seems her primary want is sexy times with a particular bend on a certain kinky angle. Nothing wrong with that. I’m not sure if that is really what I want. It’s fun yes, but how will that make me a better person to those close to me? Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way.
  • She seems to be bringing up L and my wife more frequently. I get the poly thing and that should be ok if it is a relationship that betters my wife…but right now I’m not seeing any evidence to suggest that. I’m concerned that the idea is being pushed, almost forced in a way. For now, it is a contest between ideal ethics, practicalty, safety, emotional growth and stability.
  • Update on what we’re looking for in these new relationships.  Are those things that we are missing from our primary relationship?  I think at the core of all of this, I’m looking for a best friend who can be a good mirror on my life’s direction.  Also, I’m looking for more intimacy.  When I say this, I do not necessarily mean sex.  Sex happens to be a way to trigger the trust that is necessary for me to feel comfortable in exposing the inner workings of my mind to another person…but it is not the only way.  Now that I think of it, maybe that is why I’m feeling a bit weird with A?  With everything that is going on, I’m still feeling a need to keep my guard up.
  • I’m concerned about the sexual risks here.  I need to establish how many partners are involved in this web.  If more people keep getting piled in, I’m not ok with that for myself.  It introduces more risk than I am ok with.  If we add male partners we increase the pregnancy risk.  If we add male partners that are active with other male partners, the STD risk also goes up as well.
  • What was my understanding of my wife’s goals regarding relationships?  This next discussion needs to involve writing.
    • She wanted an emotional connection.  She seemed to have an emphasis on women.  As she put it, “I want a best friend that I can make out with sometimes”.
    • She has brought up multiple times that she used to use sex as a form of validation.  It did not sound like something she was proud of.  Has this changed?
  • External validation vs internal validation.  Which is more important?  Which will lead to a more fulfilling life?  This is why I take issue with using other people’s interest in either of our qualities as a measure of our selves.  It does not last.  It leads to compromises in integrity chasing that validation high.  Now that I’m thinking on this, is this why A does what she does?  She’s been sick a long time.  She has a high level of education, and yet clearly life is not where they want it to be at.  They’re older than us, yet renting out a house with a single income.  Life is not working at all in the direction you think it would for such intelligent people.  I know when I used to identify myself through my intelligence, and then had that identity shattered, it took me a long time to recover.  I remember trying to recover that via an intense foray into competitive MMO gaming.  I remember when that got taken away from me too, and being very angry for awhile.  It was only when I started studying and then becoming successful professionally that my identity started to stabilize.  I did still have trouble identifying what sort of man I wanted to be.  It wasn’t until well into my relationship with my wife that I truly started to get a handle on who I needed to be.  It was one thing to become independent.  It was a whole new ball game once people important to me came to rely on me.  This is what gives me strength to start making the hard calls.  Not for my benefit, but for who I love.  I’m always trying to think 2 steps ahead.  It may not always be popular, but damn it I do care.
  • What does she feel when I’m with someone else?  How does it differ on the different levels of a relationship?  What is the most threatening?
  • Emotionally speaking, the imagery of another male with my wife makes me feel physically ill.  Especially if there is any sort of dominance factor.  I realize a lot of this comes from my past encounters.  Is it ethically fair in terms of what has happened so far?  Obviously no.  But the emotions are there, and powerful, and nasty.  I cannot simply logic them away.  If a boundary is crossed without adequate preparation, there may be a very serious long term consequence to our marriage.  And finances.  And overall happiness.  Is what we’re doing/looking at now worth that risk?
  • Need to review some of the questions in that book in light of how things have changed now.  An important question, off the top of my head, is the mirrors question.  I still don’t have a true safe mirror to look at my life.  Mel is trying to get there, which I appreciate, but it still isn’t completely un-biased.  What does my wife have for a mirror?  I would guess her best friend.
  • This is a bit less of a discussion point and more of a confirmation that more time needs to be spent being together.  I enjoyed being able to do the SF thing together, even if we weren’t directly interfacing like say in the traditional date format.  Being in each other’s space while working towards common goals means a lot to me.  Yes I know the time is inconvenient.  This is one of the reasons why I want to work closer to home, but with our finances as they are right now there are very few options that will allow me to just work closer to home on a regular basis.
  • Maybe I know why I’ve been listening to Undertale music non-stop.  There is a question I never ask, that should be asked more often.  What are your hopes and dreams?  I need to ask this of everyone I let close or even think of letting close to me.  Repeatedly.  The answer changes.
  • Frankly, I think I’m also scared at this point.  Full swap is not something that was ever identified as an interesting, whether as recreational or emotional.
  • I am feeling very uncomfortable with the way things are being pushed forward now.  In the end, this may be my own fault I realize.  I choose to message people.

Positive net outcome

The demands for my attention have expanded exponentially. It’s weird.

I’m trying to analyze whether this newest addition to my life will lead to an overall positive outcome in my life.

Are they fun now? Sure.

What are the goals though? Not to sound selfish but, will I be a better man for those that I love as a result of this entanglement?