1-5-2021 New Routine Plan

I’m making adjustments to my work out schedule to increase my total amount of movement without breaking myself in the process. My diet is pretty much on point and I can’t really go lower in calories safely or effectively. So all that leaves is movement. I’m basically adding more low intensity cardio options in between the more intense stuff. I’ve hit a plateau and the only way I’ll move forward from here is going all in…at least for a little while. My goal is 15% bodyfat (about 25lbs of fat) by summer. Here’s the schedule:

DaySundayMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFridaySaturday
Morning1 hour Bootcamp (Hiit/Resist)1 hour Bootcamp (Hiit/Resist)PT/Strength1 hour Bootcamp (Hiit/Resist)PT/Strength (weigh-in)1 hour Bootcamp (Hiit/Resist)Walk 30 min (audiobook)
Noon (lunch break)Hour+ hike (audio book) — or larp practiceRun 20-30 minutesWalk 30 min (audiobook)Run 20-30 minutesWalk 30 min (audiobook)Run 20-30 minutesPT/Strength
Evening (after work)Dance routine practice (30-60 min)
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)
30 min follow up str, then
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)30 min follow up str, then
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)30 min follow up str, then
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)

12-18-20 Setbacks can be a good thing

I decided to copy/paste what I wrote on IG. Not that it really matters but going by my last post it seems like my fitness oriented posts tend to be more popular. At the end of the day I write here as a form of journaling for my own mental health. It is also part of my own artistic expression, as writing is the only thing I feel I’m any good it when it comes to art. There are many artists out there that no one will ever see. Part of the human condition I guess?

If something I write just happens to help someone else, then I’ll consider that a bonus.

I had a bit of a set back for today’s weigh in. Not a huge one true but I don’t want to take anymore steps back.

It reminded me of one of my all time favorite movies: Gattaca. I feel that I’ve never been able to achieve success without applying a disproportionate amount of effort to get there. This is why I always try so hard. I have to. I don’t have talent. My life has always been defined by endurance and grit.

I know when it comes to fitness, it isn’t about how hard I train in a single instance. Honestly, that’s a quick way to get injured. It’s always about that consistency. I used the export to csv function in fitbit to look at my calories out and could see my average out per week was down to about 2700 from 3000. I need to bring it back up. I haaaaaaaaaate running in winter but I’ve gotta bring that back in. I’m thinking 3 miles Monday/Wednesday/Friday. I might add a long hike on Sundays too (2 hours?) It’ll have to be in the morning, which will suck even more but it is necessary. Work has been absolutely draining so noon or evening runs aren’t reliable. I want to make this happen.

So that’s my #fitnessjourney post for the week. Off into the void.

11-13-20 focused on fitness

Not depressed today, but I am a little angry, or driven. I’m making progress towards getting to my body fat goal. I keep thinking about how I see posts trying to suggest overweight men are still attractive. I don’t believe in that. I’ve even seen a few muffin tops post in a group and get what I view are pity compliments. Meanwhile on the same group a guy in good shape will post and get swamped in attention.

I don’t want pity. I want recognition for my hard work. These next couple of months on a strict cutting and workout program are going to be tough. But I’m almost there. I don’t want pity. I fought my way into a stable career. This is the next step. I’m going to enter the 40s at my best.

9-22-2020 Get up

I had a bit of a talk with my wife last night regarding the challenges I’m having. I recently started reading through “The ADHD effect on Marriage”, which has been very on point for the experience. I understand the symptoms are a bit beyond her, but nonetheless I’m effected.

So today I was feeling it again just looking through social media. And an anger came over me, at myself. I’m tired of hating on myself. I am starting to look at the medication route after a message from my aunt (who is a psychiatrist) but in the mean time I’m doubling up on my fitness goal. And my competitiveness. I need that fire to burn away the darkness. The mixed blessing is that with no fair this year I don’t have those extra calories and reduced workout time to worry about. I’m committing to the idea of getting ripped by my 40th birthday. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold onto that status when I get there, but just to do it the one time will be enough. I need to be able to look at myself for once and not have those doubts.

I have a good trainer. I have a good diet plan with consistent tracking. I have enough tools at home to supplement the training I do. I can make this happen.

8–26-2020 Feeling a depressing/self loathing episode coming on

I think putzing around on FB triggered a depression spiral today. I was reminded of how I feel, I’m not sure, unwanted? Not just in the romantic sense, although that process started in my mind in regards to my wife, but socially. The whole K thing is a reminder that I’m just not liked. I know it is her problem, her bullshit. But I’m having a hard time not internalizing that. On days like this I miss having a therapist to talk with. I can’t really talk with my wife about it, nor do I have any trusted friends I can talk with about this. I’m not sure what to do outside of weather this storm.

8-14-20 Feeling Better

I’m feeling better today. There’s still some residual angst. I let my wife know I had been feeling irritable all morning in the 5 minute overlap to see each other we actually had. It was intended as a heads up. I hadn’t woken her up that morning so she slept in till about 11:25, just in time for another meeting I had to be in. I just seem to be getting into more and more meetings, and that isn’t doing me any good mentally. Turned out she had been to about other stuff. Then towards the end of my meeting (which ran for an extra 45 minutes…) she texted me a photo of our friend (well, lately it seems just her’s) of her fever and how she’s concerned she may have been exposed to Covid. This made me worried about A, who I recently spent time with. Once I got more details, I had a slight relief that the exposure windows didn’t over lap. Test results won’t be available until Monday. So far my wife and I’s health seem just fine (exposure time for K was the day before she hanged out with my wife, so if my wife did catch something from that then we’re past the timeline when something may have happened).

Anyway, that led to a discussion about what happened with A, and how my wife actually wasn’t comfortable with it despite giving consent. That’s kind of shitty on her part, as now someone else’s feelings are engaged. Then we talked about the health of our relationship, and it isn’t great. I guess my anxiety is good for something. She doesn’t want me engaging in anything else really, though she feels conflicted about holding me back. So we made a commitment to spend direct interactive time on tuesday/thursday at minimum. This seems to help. Also having more regular talks is important too, as we just haven’t done that, being content to passively be in the same area but really that just makes us roommates at best.

I still find myself feeling some sort of anger/resentment on social media whenever I see anything from S or K. I had a bit of a realization this morning regarding that feeling and what my amygdala is actually trying to do. Both of these people made me feel joy, in different ways. Then they hurt me through rejection and abandonment. I think my brain is using those emotions to keep me away from them, to avoid me getting hurt again. Part of the same anxiety path way. I’m trying to think of people in my past who followed the same pattern, and how I got past it. A was an example…with her though I didn’t see much of anything on social media…in part because I had unfollowed her but also she was rarely active on social media (until fairly lately). Of course with her I felt a little guilt as well as I was the one that broke off the relationship. But still there was pain there. It got better. Then I thought about J. We went years without talking to each other, and what I felt for her as a teenager was very intense, even as a purely LDR. I think it was about 7 years before we even started talking again. And her’s was a case in which I was rejected. We didn’t have a frank discussion of what happened until after she invited me to ren fair. She apologized for what she put me through. I think, on retrospect, that helped repair the damage between us. All that distance gave me time to forget the pain. She’s still an important friend, even if we don’t talk that much now.

Now with K, I think even logically I don’t trust her that much right now. With her 1 blow up when I accidentally upset her, she went direct to fatalism and ending the friendship. That isn’t a mature way to handle things when people get hurt on accident. She is on the younger side, so I suppose that shouldn’t be that surprising. But it still brought up my trauma responses.

With S…I’m still not sure. I understand enough that her anxieties and traumas (what I understand of them) played a big role. This pandemic + her attempt to quit vaping (nicotine product) ramped up her anxiety responses in a big way. It led to a bad situation. My emotional centers seem to desperately want to find a way to label her as a bad person, to give me reason to keep away. But understanding this defense mechanism I have now, is that really true? Shit, over half this country might be falling into this same damn trap in respect to each other.

5-31-2020 where I’m at now

Regarding her, I don’t feel comfortable engaging in that shared community at all. Especially when it comes to the more wild events. I think the only way that I’ll be able to feel more ok (it’ll never be 100%) would be through getting closure on what happened, and a plan for how to move forward. Currently, I don’t feel comfortable enough with her to get into that discussion. I don’t see her having the patience and empathy for that kind of discussion now, or maybe ever. Which means I’m either going to have to continue to endure being uncomfortable in that group (while it is all online) or finally just completely remove myself from it and all the contacts I’ve made since. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve removed myself from a community. When I think about it, that was the result of how things went down with another person long ago. There was never an exit plan.

5-22-20 “May You Feel That You Belong”

Thanks to a friend I was able to make use of the “Calm” app to start practicing meditation more regularly. It has helped dull the edge of some of my anxiety flare ups, though they are by no means gone. And of course I still struggle with depression episodes that keep me from wanting to reach out to anyone. During the 30 day program, one of the episodes was about friendliness. One of the suggested mantras was to think the following to people you like, and dislike, and to yourself: “May you be strong. May you find peace. May you feel that you belong”. I think that last bit has started a bit of a ripple in my awareness. That sense of community may be the thing I really need to address. I don’t have that currently. I realize I did sort of have that in the past to varying degrees. The common characteristics when I did was a regularity of *sustained* interpersonal contact and it involved an activity that I was at least competent at and somewhat recognized for. I experienced this in MMA, Kenpo, Salsa, IT back in CBT, Dag for a little while, roleplay chats, Ren faires, and competitive online gaming (back in the late 90s to mid 2000s). D&D filled in some of that as well, more so when the games were regular and the group would have follow up meetings outside of that (which also led to meeting my wife; also this gives me more insight on why her working at renfaire was important to her, it was a community in itself). I don’t have the gift of gab, at all, so I’ve always had more success with people when an activity is the focus (but still required direct interactions, which is SF doesn’t give me that community sense).

One that requires skill, not luck, so no I’m not doing bingo or shit like that. Plus there is also my personality type to begin with…I do not do well with highly extroverted/loud/flashy type people. I don’t feel that I fit in with the local poly crowds here for that reason. That is not an adjustment that I can or want to make to “fit in”. The only reason I stay in that discussion group now is because the occasional good idea still floats up. I feel that as the numbers increase, the quality will continue to decline…so I suspect it will eventually happen. I still believe in the idea of multiple romantic relationships being valid and potentially helpful things, but they require a ton of work and patience for all involved parties (and *clear* boundary work and non-judgmental understanding of triggers). I can’t do casual, at least not in person when you start throwing around all those “love” chemicals that go off when being physical. It seems like the people that do all tend to be the flashy/loud types, and I just don’t fit in there anyway. I suppose the time I spent on Lit was casual, but my sharp internal world and ability to write evocative imagery was useful and appreciated in that place. Doing that requires an intense focus that my default personality fits well with…it does *not* work in a crowded bar.

Better to focus on my strengths. I’m just not sure where I’m going to find a community that I fit in with currently. All the physical in person things aren’t an option while COVID is still a problem. That only leaves online communities. Roleplay options (of any variety, but written) are a little hard for me to do right now, as I need to be isolated to really enter into that world of imagination. Being interrupted every 10 minutes by a cat/dog or even the presence of another human makes me feel uncomfortable. I thought about competitive gaming, but I haven’t really found an option that fits me. I can’t do the battle royale or “MOBA” type games. Too much drama, plus for the games I seem to enjoy more there isn’t a good way for me to break into that community. Though maybe it is also that I just hadn’t really committed to trying to break in. I also thought about looking into joining other D&D or even shadowrun games on Roll20. I’m not sure that’ll do it.

I need to do some more thinking.

5-21-20 Get out of my head

I really wish she’d stop popping up in my head. I keep getting these scenes of different arguments and the points I would make. I never really have the other side of that though. Then those feelings of shame and inadequacy start bubbling up, and it hurts. I’m struggling to not just cut off every connection I have to that community right now. I do not feel welcome. That is not my kind of tribe. I’m not sure what my tribe even is. I know I had it once long ago. I’m not sure where I can find it now. This plague doesn’t make things easy in that regard either. I’m not sure what to do right now.