Positive traits 2019

These are in no particular order.

  • I have an iron will
  • I’m intelligent
  • I am a Slytherin in that I’m focused, do not let obstacles stop me, and I’m deeply loyal to my close friends.
  • I’m “really good at fucking”
  • 5/5 pornstar rating
  • I have a ton of physical endurance
  • I’m learn from my mistakes
  • I’m a good listener
  • I make people feel safe
  • The “glue” of my family
  • Patient
  • Resourceful
  • I’ve been equated to a swiss army knife
  • I can surprise people with how passionate I can be in face to my usual quiet reserved demeanor
  • Insightful
  • respectful of others’ feelings
  • Soulful eyes
  • Attractive shoulders
  • Looks good in black
  • I am detail oriented
  • I am clever
  • I am good at goal setting
  • I am good at creating evocative imagery through my writing.
  • I’m known as the person who can find answers to almost anything
  • I’m still pretty good at video games
  • I’m a decent shield fighter when larping
  • I have “good battlefield awareness”
  • I have been a professional mentor
  • Open minded
  • Analytical
  • Good planner
  • Self-Driven
  • Independent
  • Has grit
  • Great problem solver
  • Fast reaction speed
  • Persistent*
  • Supportive of those close to me
  • Humble to a fault (I write as I try play up my strengths)
  • I smell nice.
  • I appreciate constructive critism
  • I generally have a positive outlook on life.
  • I workout regularly.
  • I eat healthy by cooking my own meals and prepping food for the week.
  • I enjoy stories that explore the moral grey
  • I love playing D&D
  • I enjoy Ren Faires
  • I don’t care for most sports (but I do enjoy watching UFC fights when the situation presents itself)
  • My chest hair resembles the Batman signal
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Hopes and Dreams

What are mine?  I will add to this over time and sticky.

  • Children. I want to leave this world better than I found it. I know it’s a lot of pressure to put on someone that doesn’t exist yet.
  • A larger home where I can protect the family that still lives and those that do not exist yet. My mother wanted the house that I grew up in to be there for her kids. It was for a little while I suppose. Until Noe fucked it up. I want to fix that for our next generation.
  • In prep for the above, I want to work closer to home.
  • I want my wife to find fulfillment in her life.
  • I want to hit black belt in one martial art discipline.
  • I want to be strong enough to climb a tree.
  • I want to be able to cosplay Letho halfway decently.
  • I want to learn how to craft unique wings of my own.
  • I want to travel more of the world while I’m young enough to let the experience change my perspective.
  • I want to be alive long enough to see my sister reach her dreams of being a doctor.

4-24-19 thunder

This morning’s session below. I’m also having a strength training session tonight. I guess I have a bit of anxiety over how I’ll do. I also rolled out my hips, glutes, and calves this morning. I should do that again this afternoon. Hips were a bit tight. Not sure if we’re doing squats or deadlifts tonight.

  • Warmup:
  • Jog
  • High knees
  • Butt kickers
  • Break line
  • Bear crawl forward and backwards
  • Lunges
  • Sprints
  • Jog up hill
  • End warmup
  • Arm rotations, hip flexor stretch, hip thrusts…mix in push-ups or mountain climbers between.
  • Circuit 1, 15 reps a station
  • Rope slams with split lunges
  • One leg hip thrusts with med ball
  • Mountain climbers x4 with sliders, pushup
  • Tire thrusts
  • Run
  • Circuit 2:
  • Large tire flip x5
  • Box jumps
  • Trx squat jump
  • Sled push
  • Run
  • Circuit 3, timed, abs:
  • Use water bottle or kb for center..alternate leg 1 by 1 over item
  • In and outs
  • V ups
  • Final
  • To tune of Thunderstruck, burpees Everytime thunder is said. Squats in between.

4-23-19 workout

  • Warm up run with dynamic movements
  • Circuit 60 seconds:
  • Sliders knees to chest
  • Med ball situps
  • In and out abs with tire on wall
  • Ball slam
  • Hammers
  • Circuit 2, 10 reps x 4 sets a station, agility ladder, box shuffle between sets
  • Circuit 3, 25 reps, 25 abs knee to chest, 2 sets
  • 1-2-3 count flutter kicks to 70
  • 1-2-3 count push-ups to 30

4-19-19 lighter

This is the first night I’ve had a full night of sleep in a while. It definitely helps. Hopefully I can keep the home environment ideal towards that goal of consistent sleep. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be problematic with my wife coming home late and starting the dog barking panic. I’m internally debating if I should have her pay for bark collars since it is her Tuesday night dating partner setup that is going to cause sleep issues for me. I can’t count on her to get home for normal sleeping times.

Reminds me, I still need to review our expected combined expenditures and analyze what the percentage total I’m paying for those shared expenses. While I am aware she has limitations because of her debts, the goal should be to reach a more even split on those costs. This is one of the reasons I am supporting her through school. I should not always be financially carrying that extra weight. There are plenty of things I would like to do but can’t because I give more of my time and money just to give her a shot. That should not be taken advantage of.

In other news, it looks like I am cutting things off with one potential partner. My standards are too high [JackieChanface.jpg]. This is okay. I was already feeling like there were too many people in my life. It also helped me better confirm what relationship I want to add to my life in the context of my limited time.

My reason for getting into poly was to find a way to fill in the home Stephy left behind. There were quite a few special qualities she had. One of them was how she functioned as an emotional check for me. I respected her intelliect and I felt she had a good understanding of who I was and where I was trying to get to, emotionally speaking. Sometimes those checks weren’t in my favor, but I knew they always came from a place of love. I do not get the sense this person can fill this role. Sure I’m asking for a lot and it is ok to not want to fill that role (Steph didn’t ask for it, but that was what our dynamic became… always trying to help each other find our way).

I should retool my profile to better reflect what I offer and what I’m looking for.

4-17-19 internal conflict, rage

I’m feeling off today. Part of it may be poor sleep due to my wife being home late. I also don’t feel I’m making good progress on my fitness goals. Work is being a bear with all the extra work. Finances are tight thanks to taxes and unexpected deductibles. For the most part I feel that I’m fighting all of these things on my own. To some degree I’m even being sabotaged by my wife, unintentionally, on some of these things. I show a lot of my love via acts of services…and that has financial implications. It also requires trust on my part in that there will be a long term win for us out of this grind.

But I’ve also seen her betray my trust a number of times. Particularly when I’m in the way of the thing she wants. I guess I need better reassurance or checks in place to make sure I’m not taken advantage of.

Is it

4-15-19

I’ve been having a bit of an off morning. I’m not yet sure how well I’m processing my emotions. I definitely didn’t get as much sleep as I should have. Thanks GoT. We went to my wife’s friend’s place to watch, but still needed to finish meal prep for the week ((though only have enough protein to last through Tuesday)… I had much less time as I just had too many social things going on this week.

I know if my sleep is bad, anxiety and paranoia starts to kick in. I suppose this is why I’m writing…to catch the nonsense when I write it down. It is a way to expose the darkness.

I think I should really make an effort to avoid having more than one social event a weekend. Friday night may be ok…but I really need an open Saturday or Sunday in order to get caught up.

4-2-19 life update

I feel that I am in some awkward limbo state in life currently. I suppose that is better than the shitstorm of 2017.

On the finance front I was green for the first time in a long time…by a whole $35…woo. granted 2 sizable quarterly bills hit at the same time. Still, long slog ahead. I think I need to start putting serious time into my father’s coin collection. A couple other fun things caught us by surprise. Turns out our taxes somehow got put in wrong for 2016, but the letter about this issue went to our old apartment and was never forwarded to our current address. So the amount we actually owed grew. We found out this year when our entire refund got eaten with about 1300 leftover that we still owe. Our couples therapy sessions also made us feel the power of our deductible…so that’s another 500 to sort out. And my wife still has to deal with her school bills, and her loan was supposed to be deferred while she was going back to school but somehow that got restarted. She missed the email heads up. Maybe I can help with her getting that mail more organized. In general the home needs to be more organized. That does cause extra stress.

So yeah, my hopes of easily getting my CC debt cleared this year has been dashed. Maybe serious time on the coins might help.

On the poly front, I’m not sure what is going on there. The friends I’ve made are nice. My ex is still around the corner dealing with her chronic medical issues and emergencies. I did almost break down and give in to talking about the Fwb thing. I don’t miss the drama, and I don’t ever see quality companionship from her with all of her issues. But I do miss the intensity of the sex. I don’t know if that is necessarily unique to her. I liked being physically challenged. Multi session nights with being encouraged to go all out was definitely a workout in itself. I’m fairly confident I was able to break through that plateau in part because of that. When I think back to Mel, there was some of that too. The sessions weren’t immediately back to back… but there were still frequent and I never felt I had to hold back or hurry up.

I guess I still struggle with my Catholic upbringing. Catholism basically tried to ingrain the dogma that sex is bad except for procreation…and even then you shouldn’t enjoy it! I’m always feeling that background shame, coupled with a damaged self-worth that inhibits me from wanting to reach out and be affectionate.

I guess I miss expressing that part of myself.

3-18-19 life catch up

It has been a while since I have updated this blog. Life has been busy. I’m not quite sure where to pick up from. It feels like one long sequence since a couple weekends ago now. There was the helping A for a bit. Then the almost inevitable drama storm that followed. I’m conflicted between helping and protecting myself from mind fuckery (which I don’t believe is intentional but it is a thing I have to protect myself from).

I realize there is another A in my life. We are just friends. It has been nice having at least a good chat buddy and being able to discuss “the kink world” and our own backgrounds. The majority of my blog time has been going to those email back and forth.

Then there is Jen, which kind of leaves me confused I think. Nice person, and she surprised me by asking me out to a play seemingly out the blue. I think my anxiety kicked in a bit there. The last couple of times I had a 2nd date, things moved quickly all of a sudden. That didn’t happen this time, which I’m kind of glad for. There was the cheek kiss though, which for me still means something. Maybe I’m still fighting with my self-esteem issues and doubting people’s interest in me. Not sure yet. Maybe I’m viewing the lack of heavy chatter as something else? I could also be over thinking it… I do tend to do that… I say as I type into a blog.

My workout schedule has fluctuated in dealing with some of these social developments. This week I plan to hit it hard. Sat-wed soldierfit (wed being a PT day). Thursday I want to fit in running as the weather improves. I think Friday will be my only real rest day. That day is reserved quality time with my wife.

One more thought to explore later

With my understanding of locus of control, I better realize the depth of the problems I faced last year.  I strongly lean towards an internal locus of control.  The pro of this is that I can be very driven in going after a goal I’m interested in and I take responsibility for my actions readily.  The problem is I also tend to “inflict” responsibility on myself for others’ actions/responses (internalize negative responses).

I also have a bit of a fear of conflict, possibly related to this same issue.  Things got really challenging last year because I found myself in a situation where I had lost control, and the only way I could get it back was via confrontation.  I was afraid of conflict, because a probable negative response would have become internalized as a comment on myself…and so I choose to abstain, which only made the whole situation worse.  I then started approaching the external locus of control, which in the extreme can lead to depression from feeling helpless.

It is no wonder I had such a hard time.  This is why I have to face more situations in which there will be a negative response.  I need to balance out my drive on being responsible for my actions against not taking responsibility for things out of my control.  This will help me with facing conflict, and not beating myself up if things go wrong (and yet somehow still be able to learn what I can better from those interactions).

Being human is tough.

Recognizing and respecting anxiety

So I finished the game Celeste today. Well, not counting the free dlc anyway. It was a beautiful experience and one I’ll write about in more detail later. The main point the game makes is that anxiety and/or depression (insecurity) is an important aspect of yourself that is there for a good reason and shouldn’t be ignored just because it might be getting in the way of the thing you want (or the event you fear coming to pass).

In the game, due to the special properties of the mountain the protagonist is trying to climb, that insecurity gets a body and can communicate the way people do.

Real anxiety can’t talk to you. It has trouble understanding what you are doing. It lives in that primal part of the brain that considers your survival the first priority. Since it can’t talk, it uses your emotion to communicate it senses danger. That emotion translates to physical responses in your body. It varies from person to person just how that manifests.

In my case, one of those responses is feeling my body start to become cold. I remember talking about that before in an emotional intelligence class…

I got cut off while I was working on this post. Part of that whole trying to be social despite my anxiety…and somehow trying to find a way to work with it.

So in addition to that cold sensation, I have started to understand the tension I feel building up in my muscles. Like a coil getting ready to be unleashed. It gets bad when I’m in group situations with a bunch of people I don’t know. I understand better where it comes from. I was picked on and exiled from groups as a kid often. That stuff was traumatizing. That “part of me” is just trying to protect me. It is not an unfounded fear either. People in groups tend to be dicks. I mean just look at the political environment. Tribal political for the lose.

Somehow I need to figure out how to be ok with that anxiety. Maybe I just need to continue to build my self-effiacy in those social scenarios. I need to believe I can survive those situations, and even benefit from them. Small bits of exposure may be the best way. It’ll be slow going, and there will be some bad moments. But I can do this.