2-28-19 therapist

Talked about my wife, health, my fears of her falling into the same end my mother did. Trying to find a balance between my measure of control and how the situation effects me. Locus of control…I tend towards internal locus…heavy on thinking I am responsible for what happens, causes anxiety (the opposite would be no influence, no control which leads to depression… which I definitely experienced last summer with the Natalie situation).

The trick, it seems, is how much do I allow external events or decisions effect how I feel about myself. The answer is not necessarily to be straight in the middle.

Can I just sit back and not care? In light of my health fear? How likely is that situation? Can I more involved elsewhere for that not to matter? Is that even congruent with my values?

Also, I need to take more stock on what positive things my wife has contributed to my life. Moreover, does she feel like she contributes to my overall well being at all? Does anyone? How much of an effect does this have?

2-27-19 pre-therapy thoughts

With the reduction of crisises in my life and a shift to an evening workout schedule, I haven’t been posting as much. In the morning I have the will to write, but all the noteworthy activities tend to happen later…and by then I’m not enough of a place of solace to write (standing at the back of a metro train is effective isolating).

I’m going to try to recall the signficant events since my last session.

Had the one argument (maybe more like frustration venting) with my wife maybe 3 weeks ago now when she tried to get out of a Sunday workout session for a side gig by allowing a reschedule in top of her class time.

Started being active on OKC and poly after talking it over with my wife. Had one date. Or Maybe it was a Meetup? It was a whole afternoon in DC visiting a museum followed by dinner at a restaurant. It seemed to go alright but I’m already getting the feeling it won’t go anywhere as messaging has died down, even with me making another contact attempt.

I am talking with one other person but I don’t see it going anywhere but pen pals. Which is totally fine.

Scheduling has made it difficult to find an improv class my wife and I can both make. While I could do one on my own, the idea was to do it with my wife so she could see me place myself outside of my comfort zone in the interest of self development, and hope that helps her confidence when going to soldierfit. We’re looking at a class on Sunday afternoon starting mid march

I’m looking at getting back into kenpo next Monday afte sifu Joe asked me directly about it. I was going to go this week but I was very sore from the Sunday strength training session and had very bad sleep.

I’ve started 1 on 1 pt sessions. I’ve learned a lot about the nuances of barbell work…with so much more to learn.

12-15-19 strength training

Writing down what I remember of last session so I can figure out a lighter version to do on my own

  1. 500m row warmups
  2. Bar squat x12
  3. Heavy Weighted bar squat,x8 for 5 sets
  4. Warm-up good mornings x12
  5. Heavy good morning 3set,8 rep
  6. Shoulder shrugs
  7. Hammer curl, bicep curl 12, 5..3 sets
  8. Shoulder press, lat raises
  9. Pushups
  10. Pull-up bar hold, 10 single each leg raise, 5 both leg up
  11. 10 leg raise on bar
  12. Med ball sitting turn press…core tight emphasis
  13. Reverse fly
  14. Chinup pulldown

12-15-19 strength training

Writing down what I remember of last session so I can figure out a lighter version to do on my own

  1. 500m row warmups
  2. Bar squat x12
  3. Heavy Weighted bar squat,x8 for 5 sets
  4. Warm-up good mornings x12
  5. Heavy good morning 3set,8 rep
  6. Shoulder shrugs
  7. Hammer curl, bicep curl 12, 5..3 sets
  8. Shoulder press, lat raises
  9. Pushups
  10. Pull-up bar hold, 10 single each leg raise, 5 both leg up
  11. 10 leg raise on bar
  12. Med ball sitting turn press…core tight emphasis
  13. Reverse fly
  14. Chinup pulldown