5-15-2020 Individualism vs collectivism

I’m planning to attend an online discussion group and the discussion is about individualism vs collectivism. The group page had a scoring system and asked questions about how one’s family of origin influenced which path they leaned towards, how they have changed over time, and how they can get a better understand of people that score the other way. I needed to write and so I’m putting this up here so that perhaps I can reference it later.

individual score= 16
collectivism = 10

My family did value independence highly. I recall my mother telling me the story about how she was emotionally and physically abused by her mother, and how she had started to repeat that behavior with my half brothers who came before me. After her divorce and then having me and my sister with my father, she made it a point to “break the chain” and did her best to avoid that type of behavior with us. She was not always successful, but the point that stuck with me is that positive change is always possible and you are not doomed to always be who you were yesterday or a clone of your upbringing.

Over time I’ve only grown to be more fiercely independent. I attribute this to my traumatic experiences in school that were the result of being singled out by groups of kids and physically and emotionally battered. The more I understand about the kind of lasting damage that can do to a child’s development in the long term, the more I see how that plays out in the intense social anxiety I experience when I find myself in group situations like crowded bars or even tightly packed discussion groups where I’m either physically “trapped” or when my ideas run counter to group opinion. I’m very sensitive to majority views in group because I understand that has an associated trigger that my limbic system recognizes as a potential threat. I will literally feel my heart race as if I had just sprinted a mile.

As far as understanding a greater understanding of poeple from a different value system? I’m not sure in this instance. I’m already a highly avoidant type personality (which seem to be more frequently found with collective types in my view…I tend to pull away then upset/afraid when what they want is for me to move closer when they feel upset/afraid), which I’ve learned the hard way really tends to piss people off that are more the anxious type. My current thinking now is just being really clear on how my boundaries work, and hope their ability to blend in harmoniously can work for an effective exchange of ideas.

5-10-2020 unf*ck my boundaries

I’ve been listening to the audio book “Unfuck Your Boundaries” several times. It is relatively short but there is a lot of deep stuff in there. I just had some serious insights become unlocked for me this morning. I had already recently come to understand that I have issues with my internal boundaries which make me particularly sensitive to criticism that attacks my character, and issues with indirect manipulations on myself (people trying to get me to change my behavior/emotional responses without directly asking me to do so). In the book, the author describes the physical responses we have when those boundaries are crossed, and went in to basically explain our brains are hard-wired to avoid pain, and so even when we don’t logically understand the trigger, we respond. The little man in the stomach idea.

I think I understand why I have so much trouble with criticism that gets interpreted as character attacks or, and this is perhaps the bigger trigger, is based on false assumptions about my intentions. My brain is literally trying to avoid pain. Both physical and social. And I know social pain activates the same as physical pain (I need to find articles supporting this). I remember getting physically hit by my sister, and come to think of it, one of my brothers as well directly because my words or actions were being interpreted maliciously. I have a particularly vivid memory, though I can’t recall the words too well. I remember the summer I had spent with my cousins in SC, along with my sister. She started getting angry about something (and now we understand she has severe anxiety issues as well, so I don’t blame her for her behavior, but I do understand how it effected me growing up), and I called her out on it. I think I might have said something along the lines of “stop being a bitch”, but then I might have used a different word as well. Regardless, it resulted in my getting punched in the mouth (and I had braces on at the time). I think I understand more now why my father was so strongly against any violence now. Anyhow, there were quite a few instances like that with my sister that involved me getting physically attacked. It was basically always because something I said/did was misconstrued as something else.

Things like this happened with my mother as well, although it was less likely to result in physical punishment. It did lead to literal abandonment. I remember there was this one time she got real angry at my sister and I at church one day. I never understood why. But she literally left us there and we had to walk home. We were maybe 12 or 13 at the time? Now that I think on it, I see exactly where I got my silent storm issue too. She brooded often.

And then there was school, particularly elementary. I was a pariah there. I was fat and I had a nose picking habit. This led to me being singled out and just reviled by nearly everyone. It literally led to me being physically attacked and socially isolated. As a child, that is major fucking pain. It is no wonder I can get such intense social anxiety around groups of people. The only time it isn’t there I realize, is when I’m running something. I think that script got flipped when I started guild leadership back as a teenager. It was the only time I wasn’t afraid.

So yes, all of this for me to realize the fear I experience in trying to fit in (unsuccessfully) in social groups, and how I handle nonconstructive criticism from loved ones is literally born out of those experiences I had growing up. When someone appears angry at me, especially for reasons I either don’t understand or that aren’t true, my brain flips into survival mode. It learned there was pain incoming and that is why I would feel so bad afterwards. I need to explore more on how I can get help to calm that trigger.

Update, talked with my wife a bit more about this understanding. A couple of things I need to do going forward.

1. In newer relationships that actually seem to be going somewhere, I need to bring up this boundary up as soon as possible. I need to explain I have a trigger around nonconstrucive criticism, and if it gets triggered I need space. This is *especially* important in the age of social media where we’re always available because of all the instant messengers. It is vital to have that space and not allow anyone to simply blow up on me without permission. I can dig into the source of that trigger if they want, but the important part is establishing that boundary early. It also makes it easier to run the “no” test early on. It is a form of PTSD, in the sense that I get the same emotional response as I did back as a child. I have to be able to tell someone that triggers this that I am feeling hurt and that I need to back away from this conversation, now. We can schedule out a time to come back to it later. If they continue to lay into me, then they are crossing my boundary. I need this boundary to function. It becomes more important the closer I get to someone as that is where the pain lies.

2. I also need to explain the intense social anxiety I can get in group situations. I mean heart pounding I’m about to get attacked by a bear type anxiety. Again, I could dig into my childhood and how I was a social pariah and how social exile is literally interpreted as physical pain, but that isn’t as important. The point is I’m going to likely feel that at some point, and I *need* to be able to get away periodically into more quiet spaces to overcome it. This is a need for me. Non-negotiable.

4-13-2020 thought about my father

I gave a listen to “Breathing” by Andrew Weil MD after a recommendation from a friend regarding finding meditation material. It was helpful. I started using the techniques I learned last night before going to bed, and this morning. And during my lunch hour. A big storm was rolling in so I decided to take advantage and sit in the back and further work on those breathing techniques while I watched the storm roll in. It reminded me the day before Hurricane Andrew. And through that, I was reminded of my father while I worked on engaging my parasympathetic and I realized another reason why he always seemed so calm. He had gardening as a hobby. All that time spent alone, doing an activity that required relatively little processing while doing it. If the goal is to spend more and more time in this state, therefore making it easier to enter and stay there…then he sure had a ton of experience doing just that.

These days, in the electronic industry that has blown up since I was a boy, there is this strong drive to *always* be engaged in something, being productive in some way. To always have some sort of input, whether it be movies, books, games, music, or other people. We forget what it is to just…be.

To feel the wind on your skin. To hear the birds chirp as they find their next meal. To see the wet grass sway in its’ chaotic form. To feel the moisture of the early rain showers on my legs as I set on a chair. To smell that moisture in the air. To just exist in the now, as tomorrow is never a certainty.

Changes 4-13-2020

I can’t guarantee that I will never say anything offensive again. But what I can do is much more frequently seek feedback on how someone is feeling during or after a discussion. In fact, that should be my go to filler. It is only through getting a more accurate picture of how my words and actions effect someone that I can predict what can hurt and hopefully prevent it.

4-12-2020 deep in shame

I fucked up hardcore. I let my emotions get the better of me. I was horribly insensitive. I caused pain which is the absolute last thing I ever want to do to people I care about. I don’t know if things can ever be salvaged. All I can think to try to focus on now is how to make things better.

I need to dig much deeper into this “ask” culture. I need to stop being afraid of asking. Because I’m so bad at understanding how my words and actions can effect others, I need to start frequently asking how they feel. This seems to be the only way I’ll ever learn and stop doing these incredibly shitty things from happening in the first place. I’m calling it “taking the pulse” after every interaction, or during even if I get the slightest feeling something is off.

I also need to keep my emotions in check. Sure, it sounds nice to be all woke and be able to really share my raw feelings with anyone, but it doesn’t work. All it seems to do is hurt people. I’ve gotten feedback all the time that when I’m not displaying emotion, it makes people feel better. I can’t let my insecurities hurt people. It doesn’t matter how they act or what they say. It doesn’t matter what is going on in the world. I have to stay strong for the people I care about. The only thing that matters to me is to be able to support the people I care about, in whatever manner suits best. I failed horribly at that.

For those darker emotions, I need a better outlet. Working out helps a little but it isn’t enough, especially now. I think I’m going to start taking up serious research into meditation now. None of that hippy shit. I remember the discussions with my therapist on it and the idea of how as humans we tend to want to stay in a consistent state, regardless of what it is. I need to shut down all input and focus on that regularly. I’m going to try aiming for three 10-minute sessions. No phone, no music. If I can be outside, that is best. I’m not sure what other outlets I can use if it gets to be too much.

I’m just not a good person right now. I need to focus on taking the pulse frequently. I need to not allow my emotions to get the better of me, regardless of what is going on. And I need a more effective outlet to prevent them from ever getting there.

4-8-2020 new plan

I think some of the insecurities that are flaring up for me are due to me not being particularly happy with myself. Fixing my body has long been a big part of that. I can’t depend on my interactions with other people to help me there…unreliable, and it can back fire as well if I don’t trust myself well enough.

Doing other things to, part of that building competencies, helps too. My options have been limited and gaming has not been so helpful as of late. Honestly gaming hasn’t been that helpful for a long time. I did feel dancing helped as I was building a skill, and touch was nice too. Online stuff won’t help there and I need people to work with, it is very much a touch thing.

Strength training was great too, but there aren’t any options for that right now. I tried finding stuff online but with COVID-19 there is just nothing to get. Hmm what if I take out the canopy at least? Weather can be a problem though. Especially wind.

Ok here’s what I think I need to do for now…

Since my body is making me get up early anyway, maybe either do a walk around the neighborhood or try to get a morning hike in (early is better for less people too). I’d probably have to start by 7:30…it is roughly 30 minutes to do the whole thing? Maybe budget 40 for the drive back and forth. Then continue with the lunch time run. Solderfit zoom workout at 6. What about saturday/sunday? Well if I keep waking early I can do the 9am zoom workout still. I need to text cesar about strength training options while on lockdown…hopefully I get something. I need to grind harder than ever now. I also need to be stricter on the diet now.

What else can I do in this climate to keep feeling like I’m improving?

3-3-2029 unworthy feeling

I’ve been having a harder time lately believing anyone really wants to be around me. I don’t have a lot of strong evidence for it…but there are the little things that I think are needling their way into my psyche. These aren’t direct quotes but they do represent the thoughts I’m battling..

“I am not extraverted enough”. “I don’t always know the right thing to say”. “She’s not really into me”. “She’ll lose interest and move on to someone that has the social grace I lack”.”I’m too much of a nerd”.”My intensity when physically intimate is too much”.”I need too much reassurance lately”.”I don’t give enough reassurance”.”Who I am isn’t good enough”.

I’m not sure how to get through these thoughts right now. Time? Will things get better? I don’t feel safe asking for help. I don’t feel like showing that vulnerability will help.

2-17-2020 Stepping outside of the comfort zone

I’m thinking about going to a bar event tonight. The primary reason I would go initially would be because of my partner, but that is not a sufficient reason. The situation is likely to be uncomfortable for me for a number of reasons. I’ve already come across people I don’t feel comfortable around and don’t trust. There is also the partner’s partners(?) and POIs situation that also feels like it could be potentially uncomfortable as I worry about possible conflict. But in a way, that is maybe the reason I should go. I’m not always going to be able to avoid these situations. My partner and I did discuss some sort of rough pre and post processing plan. And if I’m to practice navigating this situations…I’ve got to actually go there and learn how to course correct. As a result of the situation I’ve gotten myself in, I’m inevitably being dragged into more challenging poly situations. I need to be able to deal with these things. I’ll probably fail. But I can learn. Hopefully. I think my best way to get through them is going to be the recovery afterwards. Maybe getting some post affirmation from my partner might help (plus she will probably feel better just trying to make me feel better?). Also taking things easier afterwards and getting some solid introvert recharge time will be especially key. hmm…