9-26-19 pre-couple therapy

Trying to put together an agenda of things that should be talked about today.


  • At the moment it feels like things have been stable.  Generally good things have been happening…though finances are still rough currently with fair season.  It isn’t bothering me a lot though.
  • We started trying to do a tuesday night craft night.  So far we’ve only done it twice.  With wife’s job changing, schedule is whacky and she’s tired.  We did start playing BL3 together though.
  • Got wife to try out WCS dancing with me once.  I’ve continued on with it, she hasn’t but again mostly due to scheduling issues between work and ren faire work/prep
  • tried getting her into the bodyboss portable gym…only done once so far.  Hoping to stabilize on that. (need to start planning out a schedule for it after Nicole/Jen visit on halloween…oct 30th thru the 3rd for jen)
  • Got a jigsaw massager, used it a few times (should probably schedule that too)
  • Tried the feeld thing.  There was an interest in renewing the triad thing.  Wife still grappling with why she wants that / if she even wants that.  There was talk about the nesting partner angle.
  • Things seem to be going well with her GF
    • I’ve gotten better about my anxiety over her nights out.  She’s also been better at setting more realistic expectations and communications which helps me better manage it.
  • I’ve made friends but nothing really regular.  Perhaps the closest thing to a regular friend is ‘smartass’ from WCS but still not the “best friend” connection I think I’m looking for
  • Dealing with Angel at ren faire who definitely wants to be more physical with me, but I’m not comfortable with her for health reasons as well as availability issues (distance would make it difficult for maintaining the sort of contact I’d prefer in a relationship).  Keeping it at a strictly platonic level for me.  I tend to hang out with her group of people at the Dragon, and people watching from the inside is entertaining.
  • Answered my own relationship questionaire doc, re-evaluated what I want in a poly relationship
  • Raven shaman art project
  • New friend Kat.  I like her but she made it clear early on she is only looking for friends right now.  Which works out fine for me is that is what I need more than romantic partners right now.  It does set my expectations though of keeping it at friends, which is making me re-evaluate how I approach poly people I meet in the future.  And ask myself how much energy I want to put into it.
  • My workout schedule has slowed down with fair, and I’m feeling the effects.
  • fair recharged wife’s batteries…despite physical health hit


I’m facing an uncomfortable thing that I need to do. I need to break things off with a potential poly partner before things get any more serious. I need to put my concerns to text to help navigate my way through.

A quick background in this person:

I met this person via OKC. I did the a list sub for a bit which included daily “boosts” that showed my profile to more people on their “double take” system… basically a Tinder copy. She saw me through there and actually messaged me first. I think that is the 2nd time I’ve ever been the receiver of a first contact initiation. It was flattering…and that is why it has been more difficult to break this off.

It is rare that anyone gives me compliment on my attractiveness right out of the gate. I was feeling particularly lonely at the time and played down the red flags. Thankfully nothing physically sexual has happened (text stuff is another story). The part that makes this particular hard to work through is she is a regular vet at faire, so I have a fear of things blowing up. I guess I need to convince myself that the worst case scenario is unlikely, and even if it were to happen it won’t be that bad. Anyway, on to the red flags.

This connection very quickly turned sexual online. One of the lessons I thought I learned from my previous poly relationships was that I moved things too fast. This almost feels like lightspeed in comparison 😅. The sexts started within hours. I went with it… again because I was feeling particularly lonely and sexually frustrated (my wife and I were on a particularly bad dry spell).

The other problems quickly followed. She is a major masochist. I thought my ex was relatively extreme at the time…this person literally wants to be punches, kicked, and wants to do the consentual non-consent thing. I am not comfortable with that. I thought I could be open minded and try to understand it. It is my understanding that people into this kink do so generally to retake control of abusive pasts. She definitely has that. I did let her know that I was uncomfortable with going that far and seemed to understand that. I let things escalate a little in person because of that. But now she seems to be trying to push things in that direction again.

My wife and her gf had a talk about this concern. Her gf has significant kink experience and gave some good points about the dangers here. Reminds me that I need to review safe and sane/rack again.

So take away all of these safety issues and I’m still left with a possible relationship with a person I don’t feel a strong emotional connection. The common interests are limited as well. I don’t see much in the way of emotional support.

The goal of poly for me remains to be filling in the hole Stephy left behind.  I enjoy ren faires and craft stuff, but that is just 1 dimension of my personality.  I have been on a mission of self-improvement since my mid 20s.  Steph helped me a lot with that, even when the path was painful.  I tried to do the same for her.  I cannot continue that journey with a person who literally begs me to hurt them.

So to summarize the reasons why I need to break this off, mainly for myself:

  • I don’t feel safe with that level of kink.  Not so much because of the potential physical harm to myself, but more so the mental and even potentially social harm
  • I do not feel comfortable with the STI risk on account of having no information on how partners sexual risk levels are tracked outside of just using protection.
  • This relationship will not lead to me being a better or happier person.
  • The physical distance would make maintaining this relationship logistically difficult
  • She has stated visiting her home is not an option, which only makes the distance issue even harder.
  • I do not feel a strong emotional connection.  No “Fuck yes” feeling.