11.3.22 How Hungry are You?

This is the mantra that is repeating in my head right now.

Many years ago I had a palm reading done. While I don’t believe in any of the mysticism associated with that, tarot card reading, and general psychic mumbo jumbo, the prompts do offer a chance to reflect. Maybe not in the present, but it does come back around. One of the main things that stuck with me was the reader’s comment on how I have the ability to change my program, unlike a lot of people.

I had a bit of a spat with my wife last night over her fears of failure, adhd, and her dependence on external validation. I got a bit rankled towards the end when she accused me of not listening (maybe it was the format in which it was delivered that got to me, “You aren’t listening” vs “I’m not feeling heard”). I was also annoyed by her loop of heavy gaming on diablo/overwatch, which I admit is a bit ironic considering my heavy gaming when I was much younger. I recognize it as an ultimately unhealthy coping mechanism. If she was playing with a regular group of people (social engagement, which was crucial for me getting out of a severe depression when I was a teen), or even jumping between different games for different experiences (new ideas/experiences can spark creativity…input leads to output) that would be a more fulfilling experience. Then she complains about her health and general satisfaction with life when she does nothing to make it better. Just sticks to the same damn loop. I tried to help, but that just backfires. I need to let go and let her figure it out. Or maybe she won’t. I just can’t keep carrying.

I still felt that anger lingering this morning. It was more directed at myself. Something I just remembered now that anger isn’t always bad. It can be hard to think that. I still have a traumatic memory of feeling frustrated with my mom when she was dying and experiencing dementia from the stroke/cancer combo. She kept calling for her brothers, one of which was dead (shot in the head). I had to keep reminding her they weren’t here. One day the frustration slipped into my voice. She had one of those semi lucid moments in which she pleaded with me to not be angry. It broke my heart then. It still hurts now to think of it, 22 years later.

But anger is the body’s way of telling you something is wrong and needs changing. My body is not where it needs to be. Which is probably partially why I’m experiencing this foot pain on the ball of my foot whenever I’m doing lunges. The podiatrist diagnosed it as a bone spur and had me put into special sole inserts to help correct the orientation of my foot. The thing is I’m not super convinced it is helping. The doc wasn’t familiar with Bulgarian split squats (and he’s on the larger size) which is leaving me a little less confident. Also it doesn’t help that my insurance didn’t pay for these rather expensive inserts. And they squeak like clown shoes.

Anyway. Back to my anger. I’m using that anger to keep on my 5:30 am bootcamp workouts. I’ve always been the most successful with these. It just gets really hard to that and be involved in social stuff. I just need stronger boundaries and more rigidness. I have a hard cut off at 9pm. That’s it. Once I get gym access at the office, I’ll be doing that after work. The at home stuff isn’t working with the constant crap that stacks up front.

I also want to be at home less. I’m getting stressed out with my wife’s issues. I don’t want to be around for it. I still have those writing aspirations and it is just not going to happen at home. So to that effect, for the nights I don’t have a game to DM, I’m going to find a place outside and bring my laptop and work on my writing. I’ll leave my wife the option to come along with and use the time to do something that’ll make her feel long term productive, but I am not waiting for her. She had a choice. Stay home in the same fucking loop or take a risk on failure and do something more. Once upon a time she was inspired by what I did and used that energy to better herself. Now she mopes. I’m going to send out those letters for her therapist hunt and let that person talk to her. From then on, she can choose to do something or not.

Meanwhile, I’m hungry to do more with my life. I’m thankful my main job takes care of me and respects my time. But I still have that dream to publish some books. It isn’t going to happen without change. Change is uncomfortable. But I can look at the long game. I want to lean out again. I was there, and I could actually look at myself for a bit and not cringe. That’s more important than eating crap food or looping through the same old games that can’t even present a good story.

I’m loading a new program. I hope whoever reads this can do the same.

And finally, a song to go with this. I’ve been looping this as well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwywLJAVj2E&ab_channel=Halocene

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8.31.22 running

I was just thinking about how effective running has been for me for weight loss in the past. In particular, “wind sprints”, or hiit runs as I originally knew them. With the exception of early 2021 where I was doing strength training twice a day with an hour walk during lunch, I’ve been at my leanest when I’ve included 2-3 mile wind sprints.

How did it work?

  • Start with walking about .25 miles as a gentle warmup
  • Light jog for the next .75 miles
  • This next part will vary depending on your fitness level and how long you’ve been running in this style
    • Beginner:
      • Walk 1 min
      • Sprint at 80-90% of max intensity for 15 seconds
      • Repeat the walk/sprint pattern for 6 sets
      • Jog the rest of the way home
    • Increasing intensity
      • Reduce walking time, keep sprints the same. Down to 30 sec walking time, then shift to next phase
    • MORE INTENSITY
      • Same warmup
      • Start jog for 1 min
      • Hard sprint 15 seconds
      • 6 sets
    • EVEN MORE
      • Same warmup
      • 30 sec jog
      • 15 sec sprints
      • 6 sets
    • Beyond
      • Same warmup
      • Same set design just add more sets. I’ve gone as far as 16 sets. I could probably continue to scale this…the problem becomes time availability.

The bootcamp and strength training I do are helpful. But I think I’m going to supplement more runs again.

5.10.22 How bad do I want this?

This thought is latching to my brain today. It was triggered while browsing through FL. I was considering maybe looking at attending various local events, and came across my ex’s profile as a possible attendee. It brought back some painful memories. I’ll flat out say it, this person was a narcissist. They did a lot of emotional damage. The highs (or love bombs) were not worth the crippling lows. I went no contact a long while ago to protect myself. Now I’m afraid that my odds of running back into this person in the real world are more likely, especially if I try to attend any local events. I really don’t like confrontation. Meanwhile, this person *loved* to start arguments as a way to test people. That’s a massive waste of energy IMO. Now I could try to excuse this person based on the traumatic past they’ve had, but that isn’t okay. They were toxic. That experience is a poignant reminder for me that even as a polyamorous person, it is not worth pursuing toxic relationships, regardless of all of their other qualities. The damage to my psyche, and those around me as I stew in depression, is not worth it.

So back to this thought. It came up while I trained at the gym this morning. Working out is important to me as a mood regulator. I did not train at all last week due to being out for a wedding. Sure enough, come sunday I felt a melancholy just wash over me. Yes my social anxiety cup had runneth over, but also my bulwark was decayed. Then I remembered how I felt last year as I saw progress photos from last year. I was starting to like how I looked, for the first time ever in my life. It gave me an extra bit of confidence that I never knew could exist. I could actually see myself dressing in nice things that weren’t just ren fair garb.

And so as I struggle with trying to keep a fitness routine going I have this concern of confrontation in my head. I know the universe loves to fuck with me, and so at some point it’ll happen even with avoiding those events. I feel that I need to get my body back to where I was early last year. Rebuilding that confidence in myself is to serve as that shield for my mind when I fully expect this person will try to tear me down and/or emotionally manipulate me into doing that myself. I know the mechanical things that I have to do. It comes down to gritting my teeth and getting it done…and not injuring myself in the process.

I need to get up earlier during the week. The Tuesday/Thursday morning strength training is nice…but I can do more. If I’m making slow incremental process through this “part time” training schedule I’m on now (keeping my nutrition in check of course), then I can just imagine my progress should I commit. If I want to be ready to handle those barbs, then I need to commit to this phase of training. No one else is going to be be able to help me with this.

Okay, I feel a bit better putting this out into the ether. I know what I need to do.

4-2-21 Life update

it’s been a while since I have updated this blog. I’ve noticed more likes and follows despite this…which is better odd, but cool. I hope my meanderings have been useful in some way.

Today is the first day I’ve been on the metro in over a year. it’s a weird experience. I’m going to spend the weekend with a partner of mine. I think this is the first time I’ve been able to spend this much time with a poly partner that wasn’t basically a hotel outting. There’s a poly milestone for you. They’ve risen the bar for good partners. I feel at ease around them.

On the fitness stuff… I’m platued at 170 and 22% bodyfat. Sometimes I’ll drop to 167, but that seems to be mostly at the expense of water. I haven’t been doing the same amount of evening workouts and walka due to injuries. I’m in the mend now. My trainer is changing gyms so my schedule is currently in flux. I’ll know more next week on how I’ll move forward. Either we can make something work at planet fitness or I’ll have to work with a different trainer at my main gym.

My goal is still 15% bodyfat by August 15.

2-3-21 I appear to be melting

Carbs are not the enemy. My water weight went up because I had a lot more carbs the preceding Saturday. Healthy carbs being flat bread, noodles, beans, and tofu. I also had a *crazy* amount of sex and burned over 1300 calories that day (my average day is around 900 calories burned via intentional exercise)

I keep meaning to put a new update here. Life has just been busy, and full. I’ve mostly kept to the schedule I had planned earlier. I’m not getting as much dance time as I had hoped and the recent snow had reduced the amount of walking opportunities I’ve had but the ~1800 calorie count has been consistent. As of this morning I was 172 lbs…which is kind of insane. I’ve been burning a little above 1lb of fat (and just fat, I actually gained lean mass) these past couple of months. If ~3500 calories is worth a lb of fat, then this suggests I have a deficit of 500 calories per day. At this activity level it suggests my maintenance calories is about 2300 calories.

I’ll be doing another weigh in tomorrow.

1-5-2021 New Routine Plan

I’m making adjustments to my work out schedule to increase my total amount of movement without breaking myself in the process. My diet is pretty much on point and I can’t really go lower in calories safely or effectively. So all that leaves is movement. I’m basically adding more low intensity cardio options in between the more intense stuff. I’ve hit a plateau and the only way I’ll move forward from here is going all in…at least for a little while. My goal is 15% bodyfat (about 25lbs of fat) by summer. Here’s the schedule:

DaySundayMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFridaySaturday
Morning1 hour Bootcamp (Hiit/Resist)1 hour Bootcamp (Hiit/Resist)PT/Strength1 hour Bootcamp (Hiit/Resist)PT/Strength (weigh-in)1 hour Bootcamp (Hiit/Resist)Walk 30 min (audiobook)
Noon (lunch break)Hour+ hike (audio book) — or larp practiceRun 20-30 minutesWalk 30 min (audiobook)Run 20-30 minutesWalk 30 min (audiobook)Run 20-30 minutesPT/Strength
Evening (after work)Dance routine practice (30-60 min)
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)
30 min follow up str, then
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)30 min follow up str, then
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)30 min follow up str, then
Dance routine practice (30-60 min)

12-18-20 Setbacks can be a good thing

I decided to copy/paste what I wrote on IG. Not that it really matters but going by my last post it seems like my fitness oriented posts tend to be more popular. At the end of the day I write here as a form of journaling for my own mental health. It is also part of my own artistic expression, as writing is the only thing I feel I’m any good it when it comes to art. There are many artists out there that no one will ever see. Part of the human condition I guess?

If something I write just happens to help someone else, then I’ll consider that a bonus.

I had a bit of a set back for today’s weigh in. Not a huge one true but I don’t want to take anymore steps back.

It reminded me of one of my all time favorite movies: Gattaca. I feel that I’ve never been able to achieve success without applying a disproportionate amount of effort to get there. This is why I always try so hard. I have to. I don’t have talent. My life has always been defined by endurance and grit.

I know when it comes to fitness, it isn’t about how hard I train in a single instance. Honestly, that’s a quick way to get injured. It’s always about that consistency. I used the export to csv function in fitbit to look at my calories out and could see my average out per week was down to about 2700 from 3000. I need to bring it back up. I haaaaaaaaaate running in winter but I’ve gotta bring that back in. I’m thinking 3 miles Monday/Wednesday/Friday. I might add a long hike on Sundays too (2 hours?) It’ll have to be in the morning, which will suck even more but it is necessary. Work has been absolutely draining so noon or evening runs aren’t reliable. I want to make this happen.

So that’s my #fitnessjourney post for the week. Off into the void.

11-13-20 focused on fitness

Not depressed today, but I am a little angry, or driven. I’m making progress towards getting to my body fat goal. I keep thinking about how I see posts trying to suggest overweight men are still attractive. I don’t believe in that. I’ve even seen a few muffin tops post in a group and get what I view are pity compliments. Meanwhile on the same group a guy in good shape will post and get swamped in attention.

I don’t want pity. I want recognition for my hard work. These next couple of months on a strict cutting and workout program are going to be tough. But I’m almost there. I don’t want pity. I fought my way into a stable career. This is the next step. I’m going to enter the 40s at my best.

9-22-2020 Get up

I had a bit of a talk with my wife last night regarding the challenges I’m having. I recently started reading through “The ADHD effect on Marriage”, which has been very on point for the experience. I understand the symptoms are a bit beyond her, but nonetheless I’m effected.

So today I was feeling it again just looking through social media. And an anger came over me, at myself. I’m tired of hating on myself. I am starting to look at the medication route after a message from my aunt (who is a psychiatrist) but in the mean time I’m doubling up on my fitness goal. And my competitiveness. I need that fire to burn away the darkness. The mixed blessing is that with no fair this year I don’t have those extra calories and reduced workout time to worry about. I’m committing to the idea of getting ripped by my 40th birthday. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold onto that status when I get there, but just to do it the one time will be enough. I need to be able to look at myself for once and not have those doubts.

I have a good trainer. I have a good diet plan with consistent tracking. I have enough tools at home to supplement the training I do. I can make this happen.