4-13-2020 thought about my father

I gave a listen to “Breathing” by Andrew Weil MD after a recommendation from a friend regarding finding meditation material. It was helpful. I started using the techniques I learned last night before going to bed, and this morning. And during my lunch hour. A big storm was rolling in so I decided to take advantage and sit in the back and further work on those breathing techniques while I watched the storm roll in. It reminded me the day before Hurricane Andrew. And through that, I was reminded of my father while I worked on engaging my parasympathetic and I realized another reason why he always seemed so calm. He had gardening as a hobby. All that time spent alone, doing an activity that required relatively little processing while doing it. If the goal is to spend more and more time in this state, therefore making it easier to enter and stay there…then he sure had a ton of experience doing just that.

These days, in the electronic industry that has blown up since I was a boy, there is this strong drive to *always* be engaged in something, being productive in some way. To always have some sort of input, whether it be movies, books, games, music, or other people. We forget what it is to just…be.

To feel the wind on your skin. To hear the birds chirp as they find their next meal. To see the wet grass sway in its’ chaotic form. To feel the moisture of the early rain showers on my legs as I set on a chair. To smell that moisture in the air. To just exist in the now, as tomorrow is never a certainty.

Changes 4-13-2020

I can’t guarantee that I will never say anything offensive again. But what I can do is much more frequently seek feedback on how someone is feeling during or after a discussion. In fact, that should be my go to filler. It is only through getting a more accurate picture of how my words and actions effect someone that I can predict what can hurt and hopefully prevent it.

4-12-2020 deep in shame

I fucked up hardcore. I let my emotions get the better of me. I was horribly insensitive. I caused pain which is the absolute last thing I ever want to do to people I care about. I don’t know if things can ever be salvaged. All I can think to try to focus on now is how to make things better.

I need to dig much deeper into this “ask” culture. I need to stop being afraid of asking. Because I’m so bad at understanding how my words and actions can effect others, I need to start frequently asking how they feel. This seems to be the only way I’ll ever learn and stop doing these incredibly shitty things from happening in the first place. I’m calling it “taking the pulse” after every interaction, or during even if I get the slightest feeling something is off.

I also need to keep my emotions in check. Sure, it sounds nice to be all woke and be able to really share my raw feelings with anyone, but it doesn’t work. All it seems to do is hurt people. I’ve gotten feedback all the time that when I’m not displaying emotion, it makes people feel better. I can’t let my insecurities hurt people. It doesn’t matter how they act or what they say. It doesn’t matter what is going on in the world. I have to stay strong for the people I care about. The only thing that matters to me is to be able to support the people I care about, in whatever manner suits best. I failed horribly at that.

For those darker emotions, I need a better outlet. Working out helps a little but it isn’t enough, especially now. I think I’m going to start taking up serious research into meditation now. None of that hippy shit. I remember the discussions with my therapist on it and the idea of how as humans we tend to want to stay in a consistent state, regardless of what it is. I need to shut down all input and focus on that regularly. I’m going to try aiming for three 10-minute sessions. No phone, no music. If I can be outside, that is best. I’m not sure what other outlets I can use if it gets to be too much.

I’m just not a good person right now. I need to focus on taking the pulse frequently. I need to not allow my emotions to get the better of me, regardless of what is going on. And I need a more effective outlet to prevent them from ever getting there.

4-8-2020 new plan

I think some of the insecurities that are flaring up for me are due to me not being particularly happy with myself. Fixing my body has long been a big part of that. I can’t depend on my interactions with other people to help me there…unreliable, and it can back fire as well if I don’t trust myself well enough.

Doing other things to, part of that building competencies, helps too. My options have been limited and gaming has not been so helpful as of late. Honestly gaming hasn’t been that helpful for a long time. I did feel dancing helped as I was building a skill, and touch was nice too. Online stuff won’t help there and I need people to work with, it is very much a touch thing.

Strength training was great too, but there aren’t any options for that right now. I tried finding stuff online but with COVID-19 there is just nothing to get. Hmm what if I take out the canopy at least? Weather can be a problem though. Especially wind.

Ok here’s what I think I need to do for now…

Since my body is making me get up early anyway, maybe either do a walk around the neighborhood or try to get a morning hike in (early is better for less people too). I’d probably have to start by 7:30…it is roughly 30 minutes to do the whole thing? Maybe budget 40 for the drive back and forth. Then continue with the lunch time run. Solderfit zoom workout at 6. What about saturday/sunday? Well if I keep waking early I can do the 9am zoom workout still. I need to text cesar about strength training options while on lockdown…hopefully I get something. I need to grind harder than ever now. I also need to be stricter on the diet now.

What else can I do in this climate to keep feeling like I’m improving?