I notice more so now that when I’m seriously sleep deprived, that demon of doubt and self-loathing grows ever so powerful.  Add in everything else going on, and I’m seriously just trying to fight against thoughts of self-harm.  I feel physically and mentally unwell at this moment.  I just want to run away from everything.  My hands are literally shaking.  Fight or flight indeed.

I think I feel used. And depressed. Wondering wth I’m here for.

This is going to be a bit of a brain dump in an attempt to understand what I’m feeling.

I think a significant part of how I’m feeling in response to this phase of the whole poly thing is that I think I’m getting the sensation that I’m being taken advantage of.  Not just in the poly sense, but over the course of the past couple of years even.

 

This is going to sound incredibly mean/possessive on my part, but it is part of what my brain’s mental image seems to be coming back to over and over.  Not sure why.  One of the things that seems to be triggering me (I hate using that word, but it fits), is when my wife gets a flood of what I view as romantic and/or sexual interest.  I think back to when I first met her in person, and to be honest I was a bit repulsed on a physical level.  At that point in my life though, I was more interested in trying to take another stab at the whole social thing again, as a sort of way to push myself.  That was a strong enough motivation to drive for 4-6 hours every to play D&D anyway.  I was ultimately attracted to the lack of drama, and a certain sense of comfort around her.  At the end of it all, now that I think of it, was despite all the flaws I believed that at her core she was a wonderful person and well worth spending my time with.  Over time, a lot of those flaws got worked away, in part because I pushed her to be better…and to her credit, that usually pushes people away from me.  Months later when I moved to MD, and she followed shortly after, that is when I had to really learn how to live with someone else I was partnered with.

As I think on it now, I’ve always been supporting her.  Financially, emotionally, physically.

Financially, I feel stuck where I’m working at now.  I cannot afford to work for less than I’m making now, which makes it harder to find something local that isn’t part of a LargeCorp…and even those require me to be much more specialized.  On top of that, I’m literally paying for her classes, on the hope that when she finishes in a year, she’ll be able to return on that and be able to make significantly more and bring us to a financial parity.  In addition, I’m supporting her sister with her being at our house.  Even further, I’ve been helping spot my sister when she is on tuition crunches as well.  I got this house because I wanted to have the support options…and I feel that I’m paying even more for it.  That year when she went part time, then unemployed for a large amount of time hurt a lot too (on top of all the death we dealt with).  I’m not sure how I’m sane sometimes.  Of course how could I even tell I am?  Catch-22 and whatnot.  So I’m paying for classes, paying the vast majority of living expenses (that often get wasted in someway)

 

Here is the conclusion I’m coming to.  I feel that I am putting in WAY more effort into our marriage,relationship, and the business of our life.  I am supporting/enabling all of her extra-circular (relationships, hobbies, supporting her family and all the drama they have started bringing in).  I’m doing this by the investment of whatever money I make, and also my time as it heavily comes down to me to just keep up with maintaining our home.  I’m also somehow expected to always be the emotionally stable one, but the support beams of my mind feeling like they’re creaking.  I can’t really focus on me anymore…The most I can do is the soldierfit stuff, and aside from the physical gains, what I really seem to get out of it is when I’m in the most physical pain.  It is only then that I can finally get out of my head.  I guess I used to get that when I could hyper-focus on games, but I don’t have that option either.  I have no man cave to escape to.  There is no escape.  I feel alone in this.

 

I’m angry about being lied to. I’m sad because I have to respond with heavy handed actions.

To Nat,

I can tolerate a lot of dumb mistakes. That is an inherit human trait, and often a useful one as it leads to lots of learning and generally makes us better people.

But lying to me is not ok. You literally lied to my face. I told you how I responded to my brother when he stole from me and lied. I had no problem severing that relationship, and he was blood.

As such, you have proven without a doubt you cannot be trusted. You were fully sober so I can’t even give you the benefit of the doubt due to being drunk.

Starting today you have 1 week (2 weeks if you are serious about therapy, and provide proof that you went) to start showing progress on looking for a new place. I want proof, either electronic or on paper, that you are working towards this. Obviously your word cannot be trusted anymore so hard evidence is required. If I do not see any evidence, I will begin talking with a lawyer and begin the formal eviction process. I will not allow our giving nature to be taken advantage of anymore.

We will work with you on improving your credit via review in order to eliminate what handicaps we can.