I was in a poly discussion the other week. The topic was about tact. At some point during the discussion, the idea that “Trust is the Foundation of Communication” was repeated a few times.
This idea is ringing now in regards to my wife. If she is constantly saying what she is going to do but never follows through, how do I trust her? If I can’t trust her word when it comes to actions, why should I trust her word at all?
Talked with her about it. We’ve made some progress on finding a better path.
Life got busy and I found myself lacking the time to even just complete a text dump here. I’m not sure where to start.
Poly stuff has put me in a strange place recently. I met someone 3 weeks ago who was surprisingly forward for what I’m used to dealing with. And now it has hit this strange super casual thing which I’m not comfortable with. It is difficult for me to feel for anyone over the ocassional short text every few days. Even if they’re “sweet” texts, I don’t feel right trying to reply in the same way. It isn’t authentic. I guess it would be difficult to work anyway as she has a much different life style than I do, so our interests and passions don’t align. It is mostly a chemistry thing. I’m aware most guys would love that sort of setup, but not me. I need to feel that mental connection. Whatever other relationship I get into has to bring the best out of me in someway. Or at least something positive. With Amber it at least encouraged my art exploration.
And then we pan over to this new person. We’ll use page as a name. We haven’t met in person yet she puts forwardness on a whole new level. She has some kinks that honestly could get me in trouble if things go wrong. She’s also been very frequent and intense in her communications and seems to expect the same from me. In addition, going back to my earlier thought, I’m not sure interactions with her will bring out the good parts of me. I’m worried it’ll bring out something really bad instead. And not the “hot” kind of bad. I do have a meet up planned this Saturday. My instinct is telling me to be careful. I should heed that.
Financial stuff has been challenging, but I think there is a good plan going. I ended up taking out a consolidation loan. I had decided against it earlier, but after getting fucked by the IRS and state tax, I’m down 9k and all due in a short time. So with this, I can hold them off and get my cc debts down so I stop bleeding out in interest. At the rate things were going, it would be years of making little headway. After a year of this loan (of 3) I should already be cutting ahead in terms of interest saved.
This leads into budget management. I think I already wrote on this earlier. I configured custom budgets in mint for play money for the wife, myself, and a couple fund. This was a fresh month. Wife is already capped on her budget. So this is where the real test begins. Will she stay disciplined or do I have to take cards away?
I’m still worried about her health too. I get work and school have robbed her of all time. The school is meant to be the ticket out of her job and ultimately debt situation. But she is still paying the health price now, and I am not sure if that damage can be recovered from when time opens up.
This is the thing I am feeling this morning. I suppose I am feeling some anxiety over work too with the load being as intense as it is.
Marital life has been bumpy lately…if that phrase even makes sense. She is dealing with depression. Possibly because of the anxiety medication she is on. The discussion came up to lower the dose, or maybe even get off of it all together. I guess the question that should ultimately be asked is does she think was better off before she got onto it. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that she is expecting me to provide external validations via the “you can do it” type statements, even if it requires me suspending my realism and lying. I don’t lie well at all, nor can I take enthusiasm. Moreover, I don’t think that depending on an outside source of validation is a sustainable strategy for long term positive change.
What effect is this ultimately having on me? For the most part I feel like I have a dependent rather than a partner who contributes to a net positive future. I know… actually scratch that I’m not sure anymore if her heart is really in the right place. That was the main idea that got me through tough spots with her before and was a major factor in my deciding to marry her. But after the last year where she was aligned against me despite the serious emotional crisis I was experiencing made me realize that when push comes to shove… I was on my own.
Here is the key question I suppose. And maybe I’m mean a bit grouchy right now, but ultimately this blog is for me to explore my emotions…to put them to form and see if they truly hold…
Is her depression, impulse control issues, and unwillingness to just deal with the grind of a greater weight than her love for me? If something happens to me, is she at all capable of recovering or will she be another statistic.
It’s that time of the month where I try to recall the emotional journey I’ve been through this month so I can get the most out of my session later today. Currently I feel…neutral? I guess I’ll make some quick bullet points on the things that are more top of mind…slightly better organized that way.
- I created “X_discretionary” categories in our combined mint for individual play money in an attempt to help my wife better control her finances. The akimbo card method isn’t working, mostly due to technical issues.
- I also created a couple_discretionary budget to account for stuff we do together, i.e. faires
- Her health has gotten worse in terms of fitness. She prioritizes work more than her health. On an emotional level, I feel like that is shit. This is also why I *hate* the billable hour model. I don’t feel like she will change on that front. The most I can do right now is wait out until she is done with school this year, and keep the finances under control. I suppose the question then is what happens after? The assumption is that she’ll be working on her business next. Ideally she’d switch to a company that doesn’t constantly expect her to work late hours and not give holiday pay unless she’s working. I expect she’ll have the same work obsession, probably even worse, when she does take up her own business. I don’t feel like her health will ever be a priority. Which makes me sad, and afraid. Because I know how that story ends. It feels like some looming inevitable curse where I know I’m going to be emotionally devastated once her health becomes critical because of her lack of time spent addressing her health. I’m not capable of just cutting things off, emotionally or practically. I’m just waiting patiently for the bomb of suck to explode right next to me. I don’t like it. I guess I don’t have any hope for things to improve. Maybe I can ask if there will ever be a time she thinks she’ll dedicate to her health? That’ll probably send her on a shame spiral too. Can’t win.
- Considering taking out a CC debt consolidation loan since the plan to pay it off manually failed with the tax situation.
- There is a bit of an irony that I make more and spend way less than my wife when looking at these discretionary funds now. Well, maybe more of a dark humor than irony. The majority of the money goes to food.
- The early morning workouts have been consistent. I haven’t done as much rucking as I had planned. I ran into some difficulties with it. It might just be as simple as reducing the weight even more. I had right hip problems last friday (maybe related to the snapping hip issue, almost felt like it was getting pulled apart on large step downs)
- I should take up that evaluation from SSR, even though I really don’t want to pay more money right now.
- I should recognize that I am still making some strength “gainz” despite being hard on myself. My pushup form has improved so that I am doing them correctly (Started shortcutting earlier until it was pointed out, resolved). I’m still no where close to being able to output the insane volume some trainers seem to want, but 12 isn’t horrible.
- Not a whole lot of movement here. I’ve been struggling lately with thoughts of my last ex. There were good times, and the sex was really good, but then I looked over the texts/messages before I broke it off and saw all the shit thrown at me and remember why I got out. I can’t go back, even if it feels like it would be “easy”.
- I had a date maybe 3 weekends ago? It went well enough, but I could tell the person had a lot of negativity inside of them, and her mother’s health issues were only going to make it worse. I did appreciate how direct and quick she was to get to the point, but I could tell it would not have been a happy relationship and likely would of impeded my other health goals.
- I think it was 2 weeks ago I had a date with J. From what I can see of FB, it looks like she is starting a relationship with someone else. Which is fine. While she was attractive, I never quite felt that intense connection with her like I did with the last couple of poly relationships I did get into. It makes it easier on me really.
- I’ve been talking on and off with T via hangouts. I kind of like that she represents another introverted soul but I’m unclear on what she is looking for romantically speaking. At some point I’ll have to push for at least 1 in person meeting. Ideally before faire season, where she expressed interest in hanging out. A whole day thing might be a bit much without at least 1 earlier in person meeting.
- I was thinking about my first poly relationship, and how I screwed things up there. It wasn’t perfect, but it felt really nice to have someone that was actually into me. My own shame issues made it irrecoverable.
- I had planned to start using tuesdays to invest a little more social energy, and at least hop onto a friend’s twitch channel to support. That didn’t happen. Doing anything during the week is difficult with my morning schedule, and I haven’t really formed any workout friends. I wonder if that is a thing I should push for?
- I think this is stable for the most part. Work is still tough with the many projects I’m juggling, along with the support and security issues (Which can often seem at ends to each other). I do feel a bit bad that I haven’t been able to make as much progress as I would like. Getting RDS to work on Azure has been a pain, and I still have a couple ghost support issues.
- I’m pretty focused on the fitness aspect now. Maybe because I put so much of my time into it I’m feeling frustrated that I’m not making more progress. Progress being wanting to get into the 170s…maybe even 160s. I should spend more weekend time doing something fitness related, aside from SF. I’ve felt overwhelmed just trying to keep up with house maintenance to even get that time.
I think this is enough for now.
Not feeling great emotionally today. The workout was fine and starting rucking last night was good too. But all these things I’m working towards…health…mental fitness… financial stability…art… I realize I’m doing them alone. I realize my greatest gains have been when I accept that change and improvement only happen through the force of my will. It is my journey.
But the thing is that even though I am an introvert, I don’t truly want to be alone. These are the paths I need to take and I won’t veer from them. My journey is a hard one. For a little while my wife seemed to want to tag along. But I don’t feel that is the case anymore. If she does join, it feels like it is out of obligation or atonement…not because she genuinely wants to travel on this metaphorical journey with me.
At the moment I feel mostly ok. A little tired… didn’t sleep great. Also quite sort from pt yesterday. I’m back little frustrated with not performing as well as I would hope on upper body. Bench presses specifically. I’m also not happy with my weight loss progress. I’ve been making more mistakes on food due to internal emotional turmoil. A little over 3 months until MDRF so I’m feeling the pressure.
I’m thinking what I need to do on that front is slash my protein portion in half for my meals. It worked before. After this week I should be able to keep to the early morning training sessions more regularly. Then I need to add a low intensity cardio session at night or weekend afternoon. Eat less move more. And sleep.
The other challenge to all of this is the social stuff. Thursday night dnd is sorta waivering lately but I still have to assume it will be happening which makes sleep tougher. Then there is the poly stuff. Nothing romantic has happened or even looks imminent. I still have deep rooted fears about allowing myself to be physical with anyone else will be used against me. Physical intimacy with my wife has been more infrequent (as if it wasn’t already more infrequent than I liked). I watched this interesting presentation on Ted by a sex worker that made the link that because men typically feel judged based on money, physical prowress, or their “mojo”, and that control on the first 2 can be a bit more limited, it leaves men often needing to use sex to allow themselves to be vulnerable and express emotion. It certainly makes me feel better, but not necessarily because of the physical release. There is a sort of play there.
I’ll continue this post later… hopefully. Work time. Another source of anxiety.
I’m coming to the realization that I can’t keep trying to help my wife with her issues. All that happens is my attempts backfire. I think back to when I was in my early 20s and not in a good place. No one helped me out of there. I was just given the space to figure it out. School helped too, but that was still my effort in getting the most out of it and eventually getting my career started.
At the end of the day, if my wife can’t love herself, nothing I do will make a difference.
This is the first night I’ve had a full night of sleep in a while. It definitely helps. Hopefully I can keep the home environment ideal towards that goal of consistent sleep. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be problematic with my wife coming home late and starting the dog barking panic. I’m internally debating if I should have her pay for bark collars since it is her Tuesday night dating partner setup that is going to cause sleep issues for me. I can’t count on her to get home for normal sleeping times.
Reminds me, I still need to review our expected combined expenditures and analyze what the percentage total I’m paying for those shared expenses. While I am aware she has limitations because of her debts, the goal should be to reach a more even split on those costs. This is one of the reasons I am supporting her through school. I should not always be financially carrying that extra weight. There are plenty of things I would like to do but can’t because I give more of my time and money just to give her a shot. That should not be taken advantage of.
In other news, it looks like I am cutting things off with one potential partner. My standards are too high [JackieChanface.jpg]. This is okay. I was already feeling like there were too many people in my life. It also helped me better confirm what relationship I want to add to my life in the context of my limited time.
My reason for getting into poly was to find a way to fill in the home Stephy left behind. There were quite a few special qualities she had. One of them was how she functioned as an emotional check for me. I respected her intelliect and I felt she had a good understanding of who I was and where I was trying to get to, emotionally speaking. Sometimes those checks weren’t in my favor, but I knew they always came from a place of love. I do not get the sense this person can fill this role. Sure I’m asking for a lot and it is ok to not want to fill that role (Steph didn’t ask for it, but that was what our dynamic became… always trying to help each other find our way).
I should retool my profile to better reflect what I offer and what I’m looking for.
I’m feeling off today. Part of it may be poor sleep due to my wife being home late. I also don’t feel I’m making good progress on my fitness goals. Work is being a bear with all the extra work. Finances are tight thanks to taxes and unexpected deductibles. For the most part I feel that I’m fighting all of these things on my own. To some degree I’m even being sabotaged by my wife, unintentionally, on some of these things. I show a lot of my love via acts of services…and that has financial implications. It also requires trust on my part in that there will be a long term win for us out of this grind.
But I’ve also seen her betray my trust a number of times. Particularly when I’m in the way of the thing she wants. I guess I need better reassurance or checks in place to make sure I’m not taken advantage of.