4-19-19 lighter

This is the first night I’ve had a full night of sleep in a while. It definitely helps. Hopefully I can keep the home environment ideal towards that goal of consistent sleep. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be problematic with my wife coming home late and starting the dog barking panic. I’m internally debating if I should have her pay for bark collars since it is her Tuesday night dating partner setup that is going to cause sleep issues for me. I can’t count on her to get home for normal sleeping times.

Reminds me, I still need to review our expected combined expenditures and analyze what the percentage total I’m paying for those shared expenses. While I am aware she has limitations because of her debts, the goal should be to reach a more even split on those costs. This is one of the reasons I am supporting her through school. I should not always be financially carrying that extra weight. There are plenty of things I would like to do but can’t because I give more of my time and money just to give her a shot. That should not be taken advantage of.

In other news, it looks like I am cutting things off with one potential partner. My standards are too high [JackieChanface.jpg]. This is okay. I was already feeling like there were too many people in my life. It also helped me better confirm what relationship I want to add to my life in the context of my limited time.

My reason for getting into poly was to find a way to fill in the home Stephy left behind. There were quite a few special qualities she had. One of them was how she functioned as an emotional check for me. I respected her intelliect and I felt she had a good understanding of who I was and where I was trying to get to, emotionally speaking. Sometimes those checks weren’t in my favor, but I knew they always came from a place of love. I do not get the sense this person can fill this role. Sure I’m asking for a lot and it is ok to not want to fill that role (Steph didn’t ask for it, but that was what our dynamic became… always trying to help each other find our way).

I should retool my profile to better reflect what I offer and what I’m looking for.

Advertisements

4-17-19 internal conflict, rage

I’m feeling off today. Part of it may be poor sleep due to my wife being home late. I also don’t feel I’m making good progress on my fitness goals. Work is being a bear with all the extra work. Finances are tight thanks to taxes and unexpected deductibles. For the most part I feel that I’m fighting all of these things on my own. To some degree I’m even being sabotaged by my wife, unintentionally, on some of these things. I show a lot of my love via acts of services…and that has financial implications. It also requires trust on my part in that there will be a long term win for us out of this grind.

But I’ve also seen her betray my trust a number of times. Particularly when I’m in the way of the thing she wants. I guess I need better reassurance or checks in place to make sure I’m not taken advantage of.

Is it

4-15-19

I’ve been having a bit of an off morning. I’m not yet sure how well I’m processing my emotions. I definitely didn’t get as much sleep as I should have. Thanks GoT. We went to my wife’s friend’s place to watch, but still needed to finish meal prep for the week ((though only have enough protein to last through Tuesday)… I had much less time as I just had too many social things going on this week.

I know if my sleep is bad, anxiety and paranoia starts to kick in. I suppose this is why I’m writing…to catch the nonsense when I write it down. It is a way to expose the darkness.

I think I should really make an effort to avoid having more than one social event a weekend. Friday night may be ok…but I really need an open Saturday or Sunday in order to get caught up.

4-2-19 life update

I feel that I am in some awkward limbo state in life currently. I suppose that is better than the shitstorm of 2017.

On the finance front I was green for the first time in a long time…by a whole $35…woo. granted 2 sizable quarterly bills hit at the same time. Still, long slog ahead. I think I need to start putting serious time into my father’s coin collection. A couple other fun things caught us by surprise. Turns out our taxes somehow got put in wrong for 2016, but the letter about this issue went to our old apartment and was never forwarded to our current address. So the amount we actually owed grew. We found out this year when our entire refund got eaten with about 1300 leftover that we still owe. Our couples therapy sessions also made us feel the power of our deductible…so that’s another 500 to sort out. And my wife still has to deal with her school bills, and her loan was supposed to be deferred while she was going back to school but somehow that got restarted. She missed the email heads up. Maybe I can help with her getting that mail more organized. In general the home needs to be more organized. That does cause extra stress.

So yeah, my hopes of easily getting my CC debt cleared this year has been dashed. Maybe serious time on the coins might help.

On the poly front, I’m not sure what is going on there. The friends I’ve made are nice. My ex is still around the corner dealing with her chronic medical issues and emergencies. I did almost break down and give in to talking about the Fwb thing. I don’t miss the drama, and I don’t ever see quality companionship from her with all of her issues. But I do miss the intensity of the sex. I don’t know if that is necessarily unique to her. I liked being physically challenged. Multi session nights with being encouraged to go all out was definitely a workout in itself. I’m fairly confident I was able to break through that plateau in part because of that. When I think back to Mel, there was some of that too. The sessions weren’t immediately back to back… but there were still frequent and I never felt I had to hold back or hurry up.

I guess I still struggle with my Catholic upbringing. Catholism basically tried to ingrain the dogma that sex is bad except for procreation…and even then you shouldn’t enjoy it! I’m always feeling that background shame, coupled with a damaged self-worth that inhibits me from wanting to reach out and be affectionate.

I guess I miss expressing that part of myself.

3-18-19 life catch up

It has been a while since I have updated this blog. Life has been busy. I’m not quite sure where to pick up from. It feels like one long sequence since a couple weekends ago now. There was the helping A for a bit. Then the almost inevitable drama storm that followed. I’m conflicted between helping and protecting myself from mind fuckery (which I don’t believe is intentional but it is a thing I have to protect myself from).

I realize there is another A in my life. We are just friends. It has been nice having at least a good chat buddy and being able to discuss “the kink world” and our own backgrounds. The majority of my blog time has been going to those email back and forth.

Then there is Jen, which kind of leaves me confused I think. Nice person, and she surprised me by asking me out to a play seemingly out the blue. I think my anxiety kicked in a bit there. The last couple of times I had a 2nd date, things moved quickly all of a sudden. That didn’t happen this time, which I’m kind of glad for. There was the cheek kiss though, which for me still means something. Maybe I’m still fighting with my self-esteem issues and doubting people’s interest in me. Not sure yet. Maybe I’m viewing the lack of heavy chatter as something else? I could also be over thinking it… I do tend to do that… I say as I type into a blog.

My workout schedule has fluctuated in dealing with some of these social developments. This week I plan to hit it hard. Sat-wed soldierfit (wed being a PT day). Thursday I want to fit in running as the weather improves. I think Friday will be my only real rest day. That day is reserved quality time with my wife.

2-28-19 therapist

Talked about my wife, health, my fears of her falling into the same end my mother did. Trying to find a balance between my measure of control and how the situation effects me. Locus of control…I tend towards internal locus…heavy on thinking I am responsible for what happens, causes anxiety (the opposite would be no influence, no control which leads to depression… which I definitely experienced last summer with the Natalie situation).

The trick, it seems, is how much do I allow external events or decisions effect how I feel about myself. The answer is not necessarily to be straight in the middle.

Can I just sit back and not care? In light of my health fear? How likely is that situation? Can I more involved elsewhere for that not to matter? Is that even congruent with my values?

Also, I need to take more stock on what positive things my wife has contributed to my life. Moreover, does she feel like she contributes to my overall well being at all? Does anyone? How much of an effect does this have?

2-27-19 pre-therapy thoughts

With the reduction of crisises in my life and a shift to an evening workout schedule, I haven’t been posting as much. In the morning I have the will to write, but all the noteworthy activities tend to happen later…and by then I’m not enough of a place of solace to write (standing at the back of a metro train is effective isolating).

I’m going to try to recall the signficant events since my last session.

Had the one argument (maybe more like frustration venting) with my wife maybe 3 weeks ago now when she tried to get out of a Sunday workout session for a side gig by allowing a reschedule in top of her class time.

Started being active on OKC and poly after talking it over with my wife. Had one date. Or Maybe it was a Meetup? It was a whole afternoon in DC visiting a museum followed by dinner at a restaurant. It seemed to go alright but I’m already getting the feeling it won’t go anywhere as messaging has died down, even with me making another contact attempt.

I am talking with one other person but I don’t see it going anywhere but pen pals. Which is totally fine.

Scheduling has made it difficult to find an improv class my wife and I can both make. While I could do one on my own, the idea was to do it with my wife so she could see me place myself outside of my comfort zone in the interest of self development, and hope that helps her confidence when going to soldierfit. We’re looking at a class on Sunday afternoon starting mid march

I’m looking at getting back into kenpo next Monday afte sifu Joe asked me directly about it. I was going to go this week but I was very sore from the Sunday strength training session and had very bad sleep.

I’ve started 1 on 1 pt sessions. I’ve learned a lot about the nuances of barbell work…with so much more to learn.

1-22-19 workout

Shifted to night workouts in order to drag my wife there. Hard enough to get her to a class, let alone a 5:30 am one. Might work out better though for me. Finally broke 185 this morning, and that is despite eating mission BBQ after class. Anyhoo…

  1. Warm up run with emphasis on core
  2. Planka/Russian twist with kb..partner setup. 20 twists while partner planks. Trade. 6 minutes
  3. Circuit, 10-15 min
  4. Run to combat ropes
  5. 10 rope slams
  6. 5 slam balls
  7. 30 tire toe taps
  8. High knees
  9. Done circuit
  10. Circuit 10 min
  11. 10 kb swings
  12. 20 kb squats
  13. 30 kb lunged
  14. 40 penguins
  15. 50 ice skaters
  16. Bear crawl, 5 pushups each column
  17. New circuit final 10 min
  18. 5 wall toss
  19. 10 squatted tire thrust
  20. Bosu ball 360 jumps
  21. Trx bicep curl by face
  22. 60 rope waves
  23. Stretch

1-20-19 Proxy will?

I’m a bit annoyed today, but not directly at my wife.  More so at the situation.  She had some serious insomnia last night, could not sleep till 5 am.  So she won’t make PT today.  That shit is expensive.

 

But aside from that, I suspect I know why she has sleeping trouble.  The naps, work stress, and total lack of exercise.  I tried taking the “lead by example” approach and hoped she would pick up on the good habits, but that has not happened.  I’m getting more worried about her health.  Maybe I should take the more strong arm approach like I did with her finances?  I may just have to the pull that card, even in face of her work that has her stay late.  Her health is more important to me than a couple hours extra of an already weak paycheck.

1-15-19 random thoughts

I’m starting to get sick I think. I have that scratchy throat sensation. It started yesterday. So far it hasn’t been as severe as what I experienced late last year (no auto suggestion, you do not always need to follow last with Jedi). It still sucks though as I’m going to have to pull back from my aggressive workout plans until this clears.

I need to figure out something for my throat that doesn’t involve honey. I know the anti-bacterial components are useful…but all that sugar is gonna fuck me up. I picked up the weight I did late last year because I basically ignored my diet, hoping I could recover faster. Not sure if it helped.

Unrelated, I’ve been thinking on the poly stuff again. I’ve been wanting to update my profile and message people again, but I’m afraid it will put me in the same intensely uncomfortable trap I ended up in last yea. Granted there were other variables at home that sabotaged any emotional resilience I had…but even before that I would experience very intense anxiety (fight or flight physical manifestations) anytime my wife brought up realistically possible romantic/sexual with other men. I don’t see how that autonomic response will go away.

Nor should it I suppose? These emotions are there for reasons I was surpressing because I didn’t want to be the unreasonable one. From the perspective of trying to maintain a predictable safe life, adding that component adds a lot more risk and cost than I am capable of taking on right now. Risks include things like STI’s, pregnancy risks, money costs (dating, going out, etc.. especially when NRE hits).

I’m not quite sure where to proceed from here.