1-24-19 solo therapy

Focused on dealing with my inhibitions in social scenarios. Looking into getting more comfortable with the unpredictable. Improv classes would be good practice. Value in the small interactions. Builds towards the bigger interactions. Akwardness is just discomfort from the unknown. Become more familiar with the scenarios via more practice/exposure. Becomes less awkward.

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1-20-19 Proxy will?

I’m a bit annoyed today, but not directly at my wife.  More so at the situation.  She had some serious insomnia last night, could not sleep till 5 am.  So she won’t make PT today.  That shit is expensive.

 

But aside from that, I suspect I know why she has sleeping trouble.  The naps, work stress, and total lack of exercise.  I tried taking the “lead by example” approach and hoped she would pick up on the good habits, but that has not happened.  I’m getting more worried about her health.  Maybe I should take the more strong arm approach like I did with her finances?  I may just have to the pull that card, even in face of her work that has her stay late.  Her health is more important to me than a couple hours extra of an already weak paycheck.

1-15-19 random thoughts

I’m starting to get sick I think. I have that scratchy throat sensation. It started yesterday. So far it hasn’t been as severe as what I experienced late last year (no auto suggestion, you do not always need to follow last with Jedi). It still sucks though as I’m going to have to pull back from my aggressive workout plans until this clears.

I need to figure out something for my throat that doesn’t involve honey. I know the anti-bacterial components are useful…but all that sugar is gonna fuck me up. I picked up the weight I did late last year because I basically ignored my diet, hoping I could recover faster. Not sure if it helped.

Unrelated, I’ve been thinking on the poly stuff again. I’ve been wanting to update my profile and message people again, but I’m afraid it will put me in the same intensely uncomfortable trap I ended up in last yea. Granted there were other variables at home that sabotaged any emotional resilience I had…but even before that I would experience very intense anxiety (fight or flight physical manifestations) anytime my wife brought up realistically possible romantic/sexual with other men. I don’t see how that autonomic response will go away.

Nor should it I suppose? These emotions are there for reasons I was surpressing because I didn’t want to be the unreasonable one. From the perspective of trying to maintain a predictable safe life, adding that component adds a lot more risk and cost than I am capable of taking on right now. Risks include things like STI’s, pregnancy risks, money costs (dating, going out, etc.. especially when NRE hits).

I’m not quite sure where to proceed from here.

Positive traits 2019

These are in no particular order.

  • I have an iron will
  • I’m intelligent
  • I am a Slytherin in that I’m focused, do not let obstacles stop me, and I’m deeply loyal to my close friends.
  • I’m “really good at fucking”
  • 5/5 pornstar rating
  • I have a ton of physical endurance
  • I’m learn from my mistakes
  • I’m a good listener
  • I make people feel safe
  • The “glue” of my family
  • Patient
  • Resourceful
  • I’ve been equated to a swiss army knife
  • I can surprise people with how passionate I can be in face to my usual quiet reserved demeanor
  • Insightful
  • respectful of others’ feelings
  • Soulful eyes
  • Attractive shoulders
  • Looks good in black
  • I am detail oriented
  • I am clever
  • I am good at goal setting
  • I am good at creating evocative imagery through my writing.
  • I’m known as the person who can find answers to almost anything
  • I’m still pretty good at video games
  • I’m a decent shield fighter when larping
  • I have “good battlefield awareness”
  • I have been a professional mentor
  • Open minded
  • Analytical
  • Good planner
  • Self-Driven
  • Independent
  • Has grit
  • Great problem solver
  • Fast reaction speed
  • Persistent*
  • Supportive of those close to me
  • Humble to a fault (I write as I try play up my strengths)
  • I smell nice.
  • I appreciate constructive critism
  • I generally have a positive outlook on life.
  • I workout regularly.
  • I eat healthy by cooking my own meals and prepping food for the week.
  • I enjoy stories that explore the moral grey
  • I love playing D&D
  • I enjoy Ren Faires
  • I don’t care for most sports (but I do enjoy watching UFC fights when the situation presents itself)
  • My chest hair resembles the Batman signal

Positivity 2019

I’m trying a new thing after a realization last night. Short of it is that after I saw Sara briefly after my SF session, and I wanted to be friendly and say hi. Besides her being unfairly cute (not necessarily in the sexy way), I appreciated her physical fitness and have been wanting to make more friends with people who care about their bodies. Anyhow…that voice interrupted in my head before I could say anything and made me believe that she (and anyone for that matter) would instantly dislike any attention from me specifically. So I did that “I got other stuff to do” routine and bailed.

As I walked, I started to think on why I think that way? Why is my gut reaction that no one wants to hear from me? Why can’t I flip that around and approach it from the angle that people actually want to hear from me? How can I fix the spectrum of my self-esteem to be on the positive rather than negative?

Sometime that same day, I was idly putzing around on OKC and noticed a new person on my list (because I haven’t been active in messaging or likes/dislikes, my list is normally static). Reading the profile, she seemed like someone I could have stimulating conversation with, and she was just interested in friends and did not care for hookups… which at this stage I really appreciate. The other thing I caught on to was the lack of overt negativity.

I thought more about that as I looked at other profiles and noted how many start by complaining about the kind of people they don’t like.

So I started thinking I should start positive and note my good traits. That, of course, is where I ran into problems. I don’t know how to write about myself in the positive all too well. And so, I’ll be creating a sticky post listing those traits, and positive things people have said about me. I’m going to pull a Pokemon and collect them all!

Maybe I can smother that darkness by overwhelming it with contradictory information. I’m sort of seeing the climax scene in “Flight of Dragons” with the bad guy being beat by math and logic.

New Years, goal recalibrations

I started the new year with a 2 hour soldierfit session. It reminded me that I need rash guards… because 2 hours of sweating the way I do plus running in the cold = OUCH MY NIPS

I am going to revise this post a few times then pin it when I have sorted out my new goals. First I need to acknowledge what I did accomplish last year, and what I learned. That will help inform the stepping stone goals I need to set in order to get to the bigger goals. For example, I was able to get to 15 clean pushups last year, starting at none at the start of the year. I still want to get to 50. So I figure 30 by April should be an ok goal. I’ll aim to up my Max by 1-2 a week. I just need to put this stuff in bullet form.

I’m also planning to get back into martial arts this year (ikca Kenpo). This means I won’t have much in the way of evenings open. I want to achieve new heights with my body… figuratively and literally. That means dedicating myself to my fitness goals now.

That’ll also mean less time for gaming. I’m giving up on twitch. I don’t need to sacrifice my time and health to find an audience. I think I am beyond needing gaming for a short term dopamine rush. I’m just in it for the stories now.

On the relationship stuff, I’m not sure if I’ll give poly another shot. I effectively have a green light from my wife, but I’m still anxious that taking that route will end up putting me in another tic for tac trap. The one thing I do want though is a partner who is also focused on progressing on fitness and has a grit similar to mine. Nothing romantic is needed there.

On work… I’m not sure what I want there. I’ll think more on this.

12-27-18 solo therapy

Doing this in reverse based on memory

Talked about my ability to dig in deep for extra reserves (fitness, but also life)

Being able to define baselines on health with my wife. Impact on me, her. Being able to incorporate shared physical activity (maybe dancing) to give reason

What does she need from me?

What happens if I go completely hands off?

Will discuss progress on my goals next time

12-19-18 couple’s therapy

We talked a bit about my concerns from yesterday. I’m not sure if any solution came out of it. I think at best a Luke warm non-committal to maybe do a 1 day a week sf session from my wife.

I guess I’m being asked to be what feels like eternally patient. I feel like shutting down and not bothering to try to help her anymore with the health stuff.

I think I feel sad.

12-18-18 All in?

Something I’m mentally grappling with now is whether I want to add Kenpo back onto my plate (while still doing the morning SF workouts). While I’m still not at the weight I want to be, I’m definitely significantly stronger and have better endurance than when I last trained.

There are several problems I have to address if I do this.

  1. I will always be a bit late, since it starts at 6pm.
  2. I have to deal with that extra cost
  3. I won’t have enough time to eat dinner at home, so I’ll have to bring dinner to work and eat at like 4:30.
  4. If I maintain SF too, I will not have any time for playing games. Am I prepared to make that choice? Do I not only want to fix my body that badly, but do I also want master a martial art, and my own body that badly as well?
  5. Even less time with my wife
  6. If poly ever becomes a thing again, it won’t be very possible with only sat and Sunday available.
  7. Any other social initiatives during the week will be unavailable.

12-17-18 emotional stuff

For the most part things have been stable and predictable. At least for me. My wife has been having a tough time with her job. Oh and the lawyer stuff I’m preparing to deal with. She also finished up this semester and will be taking a couple months off from school.

I guess I haven’t been able to think about much else lately. I’ve been focused on the health stuff, which still hasn’t been going the way I want. I was barely able to hit 188 Friday.. then one bad day, bam 193 post Monday workout. Ugh. I imagine winter is having an influence. I’m working out harder than I did in the summer…and the weight was flying off back then. My pushups are better though. Gotta keep grinding.