11-13-20 focused on fitness

Not depressed today, but I am a little angry, or driven. I’m making progress towards getting to my body fat goal. I keep thinking about how I see posts trying to suggest overweight men are still attractive. I don’t believe in that. I’ve even seen a few muffin tops post in a group and get what I view are pity compliments. Meanwhile on the same group a guy in good shape will post and get swamped in attention.

I don’t want pity. I want recognition for my hard work. These next couple of months on a strict cutting and workout program are going to be tough. But I’m almost there. I don’t want pity. I fought my way into a stable career. This is the next step. I’m going to enter the 40s at my best.

9-22-2020 Get up

I had a bit of a talk with my wife last night regarding the challenges I’m having. I recently started reading through “The ADHD effect on Marriage”, which has been very on point for the experience. I understand the symptoms are a bit beyond her, but nonetheless I’m effected.

So today I was feeling it again just looking through social media. And an anger came over me, at myself. I’m tired of hating on myself. I am starting to look at the medication route after a message from my aunt (who is a psychiatrist) but in the mean time I’m doubling up on my fitness goal. And my competitiveness. I need that fire to burn away the darkness. The mixed blessing is that with no fair this year I don’t have those extra calories and reduced workout time to worry about. I’m committing to the idea of getting ripped by my 40th birthday. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold onto that status when I get there, but just to do it the one time will be enough. I need to be able to look at myself for once and not have those doubts.

I have a good trainer. I have a good diet plan with consistent tracking. I have enough tools at home to supplement the training I do. I can make this happen.

8–26-2020 Feeling a depressing/self loathing episode coming on

I think putzing around on FB triggered a depression spiral today. I was reminded of how I feel, I’m not sure, unwanted? Not just in the romantic sense, although that process started in my mind in regards to my wife, but socially. The whole K thing is a reminder that I’m just not liked. I know it is her problem, her bullshit. But I’m having a hard time not internalizing that. On days like this I miss having a therapist to talk with. I can’t really talk with my wife about it, nor do I have any trusted friends I can talk with about this. I’m not sure what to do outside of weather this storm.

8-14-20 Feeling Better

I’m feeling better today. There’s still some residual angst. I let my wife know I had been feeling irritable all morning in the 5 minute overlap to see each other we actually had. It was intended as a heads up. I hadn’t woken her up that morning so she slept in till about 11:25, just in time for another meeting I had to be in. I just seem to be getting into more and more meetings, and that isn’t doing me any good mentally. Turned out she had been to about other stuff. Then towards the end of my meeting (which ran for an extra 45 minutes…) she texted me a photo of our friend (well, lately it seems just her’s) of her fever and how she’s concerned she may have been exposed to Covid. This made me worried about A, who I recently spent time with. Once I got more details, I had a slight relief that the exposure windows didn’t over lap. Test results won’t be available until Monday. So far my wife and I’s health seem just fine (exposure time for K was the day before she hanged out with my wife, so if my wife did catch something from that then we’re past the timeline when something may have happened).

Anyway, that led to a discussion about what happened with A, and how my wife actually wasn’t comfortable with it despite giving consent. That’s kind of shitty on her part, as now someone else’s feelings are engaged. Then we talked about the health of our relationship, and it isn’t great. I guess my anxiety is good for something. She doesn’t want me engaging in anything else really, though she feels conflicted about holding me back. So we made a commitment to spend direct interactive time on tuesday/thursday at minimum. This seems to help. Also having more regular talks is important too, as we just haven’t done that, being content to passively be in the same area but really that just makes us roommates at best.

I still find myself feeling some sort of anger/resentment on social media whenever I see anything from S or K. I had a bit of a realization this morning regarding that feeling and what my amygdala is actually trying to do. Both of these people made me feel joy, in different ways. Then they hurt me through rejection and abandonment. I think my brain is using those emotions to keep me away from them, to avoid me getting hurt again. Part of the same anxiety path way. I’m trying to think of people in my past who followed the same pattern, and how I got past it. A was an example…with her though I didn’t see much of anything on social media…in part because I had unfollowed her but also she was rarely active on social media (until fairly lately). Of course with her I felt a little guilt as well as I was the one that broke off the relationship. But still there was pain there. It got better. Then I thought about J. We went years without talking to each other, and what I felt for her as a teenager was very intense, even as a purely LDR. I think it was about 7 years before we even started talking again. And her’s was a case in which I was rejected. We didn’t have a frank discussion of what happened until after she invited me to ren fair. She apologized for what she put me through. I think, on retrospect, that helped repair the damage between us. All that distance gave me time to forget the pain. She’s still an important friend, even if we don’t talk that much now.

Now with K, I think even logically I don’t trust her that much right now. With her 1 blow up when I accidentally upset her, she went direct to fatalism and ending the friendship. That isn’t a mature way to handle things when people get hurt on accident. She is on the younger side, so I suppose that shouldn’t be that surprising. But it still brought up my trauma responses.

With S…I’m still not sure. I understand enough that her anxieties and traumas (what I understand of them) played a big role. This pandemic + her attempt to quit vaping (nicotine product) ramped up her anxiety responses in a big way. It led to a bad situation. My emotional centers seem to desperately want to find a way to label her as a bad person, to give me reason to keep away. But understanding this defense mechanism I have now, is that really true? Shit, over half this country might be falling into this same damn trap in respect to each other.

7-17-2020 felt a bit better and then not

I’m still experiencing loneliness and I guess a sense of inferiority? I think listening to some of Peace Talks and the scene with Murphy got me reminiscing about what I had enjoyed with previous partners, and how not present it is now. Which led to me looking at profiles I knew i shouldn’t have. Which then led me to doing more sluething to try to understand what I lacked. Which led me to still not feeling happy with my body. I’m tired of feeling unworthy. Even though I’m in far better shape than I was 15 years ago, I’m still not where I want to be. I want to be able to look at myself, and know that anyone else who looks at me will undeniably be able to say he takes care of his body. I don’t want to be super athelete or model level fit, but I’m fucking tired of my sides.

Then I felt my exiled trauma come up again just seeing Kat’s name while my wife was talking with her, and again I found myself reminded about how the things I need to feel loved by someone are not present here. As I think of that, that came on the tail end of anxiety just around that person now, follow by the depression drop that always seem to happen when I’m anxious for too long It feels like they never will be. My association with being physical is tied to feeling love. With her, apparently it is the opposite. This feels unfixable. Then the Lisa thing came up in the middle of that, and it was just too much. I was already planning to walk but I definitely need to escape right then.

5-31-2020 where I’m at now

Regarding her, I don’t feel comfortable engaging in that shared community at all. Especially when it comes to the more wild events. I think the only way that I’ll be able to feel more ok (it’ll never be 100%) would be through getting closure on what happened, and a plan for how to move forward. Currently, I don’t feel comfortable enough with her to get into that discussion. I don’t see her having the patience and empathy for that kind of discussion now, or maybe ever. Which means I’m either going to have to continue to endure being uncomfortable in that group (while it is all online) or finally just completely remove myself from it and all the contacts I’ve made since. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve removed myself from a community. When I think about it, that was the result of how things went down with another person long ago. There was never an exit plan.

5-22-20 “May You Feel That You Belong”

Thanks to a friend I was able to make use of the “Calm” app to start practicing meditation more regularly. It has helped dull the edge of some of my anxiety flare ups, though they are by no means gone. And of course I still struggle with depression episodes that keep me from wanting to reach out to anyone. During the 30 day program, one of the episodes was about friendliness. One of the suggested mantras was to think the following to people you like, and dislike, and to yourself: “May you be strong. May you find peace. May you feel that you belong”. I think that last bit has started a bit of a ripple in my awareness. That sense of community may be the thing I really need to address. I don’t have that currently. I realize I did sort of have that in the past to varying degrees. The common characteristics when I did was a regularity of *sustained* interpersonal contact and it involved an activity that I was at least competent at and somewhat recognized for. I experienced this in MMA, Kenpo, Salsa, IT back in CBT, Dag for a little while, roleplay chats, Ren faires, and competitive online gaming (back in the late 90s to mid 2000s). D&D filled in some of that as well, more so when the games were regular and the group would have follow up meetings outside of that (which also led to meeting my wife; also this gives me more insight on why her working at renfaire was important to her, it was a community in itself). I don’t have the gift of gab, at all, so I’ve always had more success with people when an activity is the focus (but still required direct interactions, which is SF doesn’t give me that community sense).

One that requires skill, not luck, so no I’m not doing bingo or shit like that. Plus there is also my personality type to begin with…I do not do well with highly extroverted/loud/flashy type people. I don’t feel that I fit in with the local poly crowds here for that reason. That is not an adjustment that I can or want to make to “fit in”. The only reason I stay in that discussion group now is because the occasional good idea still floats up. I feel that as the numbers increase, the quality will continue to decline…so I suspect it will eventually happen. I still believe in the idea of multiple romantic relationships being valid and potentially helpful things, but they require a ton of work and patience for all involved parties (and *clear* boundary work and non-judgmental understanding of triggers). I can’t do casual, at least not in person when you start throwing around all those “love” chemicals that go off when being physical. It seems like the people that do all tend to be the flashy/loud types, and I just don’t fit in there anyway. I suppose the time I spent on Lit was casual, but my sharp internal world and ability to write evocative imagery was useful and appreciated in that place. Doing that requires an intense focus that my default personality fits well with…it does *not* work in a crowded bar.

Better to focus on my strengths. I’m just not sure where I’m going to find a community that I fit in with currently. All the physical in person things aren’t an option while COVID is still a problem. That only leaves online communities. Roleplay options (of any variety, but written) are a little hard for me to do right now, as I need to be isolated to really enter into that world of imagination. Being interrupted every 10 minutes by a cat/dog or even the presence of another human makes me feel uncomfortable. I thought about competitive gaming, but I haven’t really found an option that fits me. I can’t do the battle royale or “MOBA” type games. Too much drama, plus for the games I seem to enjoy more there isn’t a good way for me to break into that community. Though maybe it is also that I just hadn’t really committed to trying to break in. I also thought about looking into joining other D&D or even shadowrun games on Roll20. I’m not sure that’ll do it.

I need to do some more thinking.

5-21-20 Get out of my head

I really wish she’d stop popping up in my head. I keep getting these scenes of different arguments and the points I would make. I never really have the other side of that though. Then those feelings of shame and inadequacy start bubbling up, and it hurts. I’m struggling to not just cut off every connection I have to that community right now. I do not feel welcome. That is not my kind of tribe. I’m not sure what my tribe even is. I know I had it once long ago. I’m not sure where I can find it now. This plague doesn’t make things easy in that regard either. I’m not sure what to do right now.

5-15-2020 Individualism vs collectivism

I’m planning to attend an online discussion group and the discussion is about individualism vs collectivism. The group page had a scoring system and asked questions about how one’s family of origin influenced which path they leaned towards, how they have changed over time, and how they can get a better understand of people that score the other way. I needed to write and so I’m putting this up here so that perhaps I can reference it later.

individual score= 16
collectivism = 10

My family did value independence highly. I recall my mother telling me the story about how she was emotionally and physically abused by her mother, and how she had started to repeat that behavior with my half brothers who came before me. After her divorce and then having me and my sister with my father, she made it a point to “break the chain” and did her best to avoid that type of behavior with us. She was not always successful, but the point that stuck with me is that positive change is always possible and you are not doomed to always be who you were yesterday or a clone of your upbringing.

Over time I’ve only grown to be more fiercely independent. I attribute this to my traumatic experiences in school that were the result of being singled out by groups of kids and physically and emotionally battered. The more I understand about the kind of lasting damage that can do to a child’s development in the long term, the more I see how that plays out in the intense social anxiety I experience when I find myself in group situations like crowded bars or even tightly packed discussion groups where I’m either physically “trapped” or when my ideas run counter to group opinion. I’m very sensitive to majority views in group because I understand that has an associated trigger that my limbic system recognizes as a potential threat. I will literally feel my heart race as if I had just sprinted a mile.

As far as understanding a greater understanding of poeple from a different value system? I’m not sure in this instance. I’m already a highly avoidant type personality (which seem to be more frequently found with collective types in my view…I tend to pull away then upset/afraid when what they want is for me to move closer when they feel upset/afraid), which I’ve learned the hard way really tends to piss people off that are more the anxious type. My current thinking now is just being really clear on how my boundaries work, and hope their ability to blend in harmoniously can work for an effective exchange of ideas.