I woke up way before my intended time again and could not fall back to sleep. So after about an hour I got out of bed and decided to be productive with kitchen upkeep. As I was doing that and listening to one of my favorite music bits (A World of Color on the Epic Music Channel) I spent some time thinking…as those activities require minimal brain focus.
I was trying to figure out why I’m experiencing what I think is FOMO in regards to a new partner’s future plans. I think it may be manifesting as just doubt in myself and my affability. Then I thought about the book I need to finish this week, “The Molecule of More” and how for a long time I was very dopenergically (yeah screw you too spellcheck) focused. As I understood the concept, that basically meant I was more focused on accomplishing goals than appreciating the here and now. And how those aspects have an inverse relationship to each other.
So then the other thought that came to me just now and prompted me to write is asking myself just how much about my thoughts should I let my new partner know? I mean I usually tell my wife these things well after I’ve made up my mind. There are exceptions of course.
I guess maybe deep down I’m afraid of making myself even more vulnerable. I’m afraid of letting anyone know what my personal goals are. I think I’m also afraid of knowing how focused on them I can get at the expense of others. I can’t calibrate on how much of my mind I should allow anyone into. It’s a little easier to write this on a blog like this because I know no one really cares, and there is a weird comfort in that. I guess. I may come back to this post later and write more.
That didn’t take long. My goals lately have been very physical fitness oriented. I’m objectively stronger than I’ve ever been. But I’m still not as lean as I want to be. I feel like I’m no where close to it, at least by my measures. My Aria 2 is possibly drunk, and I thinks I’m somehow around 17% BF at 194 lbs at 5’10. I’m pretty damn sure I don’t have that much lean muscle mass. Then there was the conversation last night that reminded me about my black belt goals…that I have done nothing on for the past couple of years. Granted, doing the soldierfit stuff and then throwing on the strength focused training as helped immensely in getting my body to the point that it can do things I never could before. I’ve defied the notion that we must get weaker as we age. So the time wasn’t technically wasted. I’ve reforged my body in new ways.
So my thinking as far as getting towards that black belt goal goes is like this. My trainer will be moving to SC to work on his doctorate(yay him). That may even happen sooner, but for now that is the expectation. I am absorbing all of the knowledge and techniques (which reminds me I need to get back to writing down those workouts here) so that when that transition happens, I can continue my strength training solo. It has been very helpful to have someone help me correct my form to what works for me (he’s working on his doctorate for physical therapy, so I appreciate that he gets that efficient forms vary by body and bone structure…there is no one size fits all). I need to get some sort of cover for my back patio area, and then build a basic bench and squat rack. Getting in those heavy squats, dead lifts, and bench presses have helped a ton. Heh, ton…
There are also a bunch of auxiliary exercises I’ve learned that I need to write down for when I’m on my own. And structure my own programs based on those. The point is I’ll have these supplemental strength training sessions of my own to do at home. And Ideally I’ll get them in twice a week as opposed to the one I do with my trainer now. This will free me up as far as my budget is concerned. I think the MMA/BJJ gym I was considering before was somewhere between 115-150/month. If I take out PT, and my wife’s gym membership (that she hasn’t made use in like a year and a half now…) then it can easily fit into my budget with room to spare. The real question is going to be time management. I still plan to get in 2 SF sessions during the weekdays, and probably both weekend mornings too (unless I have a really good reason to sleep in…which has been more possible as of late). I don’t remember if that MMA gym I’m thinking of had weekend hours or any sort of “open mat” sessions. I’ll have to check on that.
The point is if I really want to reach my physical fitness goals, I need to move more. And by fitness, what I really mean is mastery of my body. An important phrase that has stuck with me for ~15 years now is this:
Your mind is only as strong as your body
I still strongly believe in this. I’ve made a lot of strides in addressing my mind and heart these past couple of years. How much further can I go? Will any of this help the people I care about?