I’m planning to attend an online discussion group and the discussion is about individualism vs collectivism. The group page had a scoring system and asked questions about how one’s family of origin influenced which path they leaned towards, how they have changed over time, and how they can get a better understand of people that score the other way. I needed to write and so I’m putting this up here so that perhaps I can reference it later.

individual score= 16
collectivism = 10

My family did value independence highly. I recall my mother telling me the story about how she was emotionally and physically abused by her mother, and how she had started to repeat that behavior with my half brothers who came before me. After her divorce and then having me and my sister with my father, she made it a point to “break the chain” and did her best to avoid that type of behavior with us. She was not always successful, but the point that stuck with me is that positive change is always possible and you are not doomed to always be who you were yesterday or a clone of your upbringing.

Over time I’ve only grown to be more fiercely independent. I attribute this to my traumatic experiences in school that were the result of being singled out by groups of kids and physically and emotionally battered. The more I understand about the kind of lasting damage that can do to a child’s development in the long term, the more I see how that plays out in the intense social anxiety I experience when I find myself in group situations like crowded bars or even tightly packed discussion groups where I’m either physically “trapped” or when my ideas run counter to group opinion. I’m very sensitive to majority views in group because I understand that has an associated trigger that my limbic system recognizes as a potential threat. I will literally feel my heart race as if I had just sprinted a mile.

As far as understanding a greater understanding of poeple from a different value system? I’m not sure in this instance. I’m already a highly avoidant type personality (which seem to be more frequently found with collective types in my view…I tend to pull away then upset/afraid when what they want is for me to move closer when they feel upset/afraid), which I’ve learned the hard way really tends to piss people off that are more the anxious type. My current thinking now is just being really clear on how my boundaries work, and hope their ability to blend in harmoniously can work for an effective exchange of ideas.