I’m not yet entirely sure what triggered it. Maybe increase testosterone from all the squats and dead lifts today. Maybe feeling a boundary was crossed last night when my wife responded to a message not intended for her instead of checking with me (regardless of what I was doing at the time). Maybe that I barely spend any quality time with her despite the fact she has been out of work for about 4 months now. She isn’t particular invested either it feels sometimes. Maybe seeing S on social media triggered a depression episode…just the sight of her still bothers me. Taking an idea from the book I’ve been listening to, “Rewire your anxious brain”, it could very well be my amygdala trying to keep me from harm by pushing everything away from me. I’m having trouble seeing a way out of this. Writing might help though. To some degree writing I suppose forces my PFC to engage more. It’s still a near thing though. I’m sure I’m not making much sense now but I don’t write this for an audience anyway.
I’m just so used to loss. People leaving or they just stop caring. It’s the same story over and over. I can’t just ignore it and put on that fake happy like I do at work. I feel simultaneously overwhelmed and under valued. This abandonment sensation feels even worse when I have others’ responsibilities thrown on top of me. Which I realize it is a bit of a paradox to state. Maybe I am feeling used as well. I’m not sure. I’m just throwing words at the screen, hoping to find another meaning, another way out.