Looking at my last private post…a whole lot has gone on. The good news is the financial stuff is getting a bit better. I did lay down a bit of a smack down that got my wife on a better track. It still took a long time for her to find work, and get the house stuff sorted. That was out of her control though. She did her best and that is more than I could have asked for. We do have a roommate now, but it is her sister with accompanying autistic child. No rent has been incoming, though I have not forced the issue yet. I would prefer her get her own place as soon as possible so if that means skipping out on rent, its an acceptable price. Anyway, I’ll write more on that situation later.
What I need to write on now is this poly stuff and the mental well being of my wife. It could partially be the time off of my wife’s meds, but I feel like she is bending over backwards for me to have this side thing. If she can’t feel comfortable, that is more important to me. It seems like if the metamor friendship is tarnished, that isn’t something that can ever really be fixed. I wonder how possible a triad setup can even be with the sort of emotional engagement my wife needs. Maybe not for an open relationship type setup? The more I look at this, maybe M’s setup isn’t necessarily coming from a healthy aspect either. She has already been open on one of the main issues there. Aside from the fun stuff, what development as a person is there for her?
For that matter, what am I getting out of this? A large part of me getting into this life style was to fill the hole Stephy left behind. One of the key points of our friendships was how she challenged me, rather directly or indirectly, to be a better person. Doing that also requires understanding my goals in life. I’m not sure M really does. I mean I sort of see her goals, but how serious is she about them? Aside from that, is there any aspect about her that pushes me to be a better person? If anything, I feel like time being spent together tends to lead to more poor uses of my time, money, and health. I don’t like that trend.
Only other person I’m talking with is Shez. I’ve only had the one “meetup” (date, whatever :P), and I felt a much deeper connection as two people on somewhat similar journeys. I also felt her outgoing energy is really something I could benefit from. Beyond that, there is a lot I can practically learn. Hell I already discovered a whole new section of GB I never knew existed. Her time is scarce is the main drawback. Well that and she drinks more and smokes (cigs), but those vices feel small in comparison. As I think on it, the scarcity of time being available may be, ironically, even more of a good thing. I felt kind of awkward that weekend with M. I don’t think I would want to spend another weekend just sitting around making awkward small talk. The physical stuff, while kinda nice, is not that important. I understand this better now in light of everything.
I’m also very sleep deprived today, so I’m not sure how sound my reasoning is at the moment.l