I’m not sure why exactly. My wife’s health seems to be getting worse. She was complaining since at least Friday where I had to guilt her into just going on a mile hike on a nearby wooded trail. Saturday she babysat while I worked on as many chores as I could Saturday, including prepping meals for the week. This was so we could go to the Virginia Reinassance festival on Sunday. We did get to go. She wasn’t able to get her “too big” bodice to fit.
Monday evening she complains that she has a lot of sinus pressure and is getting dizzy spells. I skip my planned hike to keep an eye on her. I’m a bit concerned. I also noticed earlier her medication bottled had been empty for awhile. I’m not sure if dropping off Zoloft and buspar can cause those kinds of issues.
After last week’s financial fuck ups on her side, I clamped down on her ability to buy stuff on iTunes. I’m also regularly checking mint now with both of our accounts.
I know she has challenges right now. Work and school. Then the babysitter gig… which I’m starting to think I might need to put an end to. And this is where I’m starting to feel conflicted on how much control I should take. The ethics vs the practicality and frankly financial survival. She works those extra hours and puts herself in places where bad food options are all she has, and she does nothing else to take care of herself. I feel it will get to a critical point of no recovery if left to her own devices.
The long term plan was for her to finish school this year so that she can work somewhere that won’t constantly have her overworked and even work on holidays…plus shit for days off and sick days. She seems to feel it is more important for her to overwork because of her debts.
I need to setup a clear plan to follow. Maybe a financial advisor. Her overall unhappiness is making it hard for me to be happy around her.
So maybe this is why I’m sad. I feel like I’m going to have to be the jerk to get things on track. It flies in the face of modern sensibilities of ppl being responsible for themselves. Easy to say that when they don’t live my experience.
So reanalyze. Clamp down. Lay down path to better place. Keep cards out of her hands. Be prepared to tell others to fuck off.
Not feeling great emotionally today. The workout was fine and starting rucking last night was good too. But all these things I’m working towards…health…mental fitness… financial stability…art… I realize I’m doing them alone. I realize my greatest gains have been when I accept that change and improvement only happen through the force of my will. It is my journey.
But the thing is that even though I am an introvert, I don’t truly want to be alone. These are the paths I need to take and I won’t veer from them. My journey is a hard one. For a little while my wife seemed to want to tag along. But I don’t feel that is the case anymore. If she does join, it feels like it is out of obligation or atonement…not because she genuinely wants to travel on this metaphorical journey with me.
Topics discussed in no particular order
- Shame cycles and how they interact with partners shame spirals
- Alpha, beta, theta waves. Ideal to be operating at alpha with short shifts into beta. Extended operation at high beta leads to crash (depression)…makes particular sense with last year extended anxiety leading to depression
- Financial advisor recommendation to find a balance between working towards financial goals and still enjoying life
At the moment I feel mostly ok. A little tired… didn’t sleep great. Also quite sort from pt yesterday. I’m back little frustrated with not performing as well as I would hope on upper body. Bench presses specifically. I’m also not happy with my weight loss progress. I’ve been making more mistakes on food due to internal emotional turmoil. A little over 3 months until MDRF so I’m feeling the pressure.
I’m thinking what I need to do on that front is slash my protein portion in half for my meals. It worked before. After this week I should be able to keep to the early morning training sessions more regularly. Then I need to add a low intensity cardio session at night or weekend afternoon. Eat less move more. And sleep.
The other challenge to all of this is the social stuff. Thursday night dnd is sorta waivering lately but I still have to assume it will be happening which makes sleep tougher. Then there is the poly stuff. Nothing romantic has happened or even looks imminent. I still have deep rooted fears about allowing myself to be physical with anyone else will be used against me. Physical intimacy with my wife has been more infrequent (as if it wasn’t already more infrequent than I liked). I watched this interesting presentation on Ted by a sex worker that made the link that because men typically feel judged based on money, physical prowress, or their “mojo”, and that control on the first 2 can be a bit more limited, it leaves men often needing to use sex to allow themselves to be vulnerable and express emotion. It certainly makes me feel better, but not necessarily because of the physical release. There is a sort of play there.
I’ll continue this post later… hopefully. Work time. Another source of anxiety.
I’m coming to the realization that I can’t keep trying to help my wife with her issues. All that happens is my attempts backfire. I think back to when I was in my early 20s and not in a good place. No one helped me out of there. I was just given the space to figure it out. School helped too, but that was still my effort in getting the most out of it and eventually getting my career started.
At the end of the day, if my wife can’t love herself, nothing I do will make a difference.
This is the first night I’ve had a full night of sleep in a while. It definitely helps. Hopefully I can keep the home environment ideal towards that goal of consistent sleep. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be problematic with my wife coming home late and starting the dog barking panic. I’m internally debating if I should have her pay for bark collars since it is her Tuesday night dating partner setup that is going to cause sleep issues for me. I can’t count on her to get home for normal sleeping times.
Reminds me, I still need to review our expected combined expenditures and analyze what the percentage total I’m paying for those shared expenses. While I am aware she has limitations because of her debts, the goal should be to reach a more even split on those costs. This is one of the reasons I am supporting her through school. I should not always be financially carrying that extra weight. There are plenty of things I would like to do but can’t because I give more of my time and money just to give her a shot. That should not be taken advantage of.
In other news, it looks like I am cutting things off with one potential partner. My standards are too high [JackieChanface.jpg]. This is okay. I was already feeling like there were too many people in my life. It also helped me better confirm what relationship I want to add to my life in the context of my limited time.
My reason for getting into poly was to find a way to fill in the home Stephy left behind. There were quite a few special qualities she had. One of them was how she functioned as an emotional check for me. I respected her intelliect and I felt she had a good understanding of who I was and where I was trying to get to, emotionally speaking. Sometimes those checks weren’t in my favor, but I knew they always came from a place of love. I do not get the sense this person can fill this role. Sure I’m asking for a lot and it is ok to not want to fill that role (Steph didn’t ask for it, but that was what our dynamic became… always trying to help each other find our way).
I should retool my profile to better reflect what I offer and what I’m looking for.
I’ve been having a bit of an off morning. I’m not yet sure how well I’m processing my emotions. I definitely didn’t get as much sleep as I should have. Thanks GoT. We went to my wife’s friend’s place to watch, but still needed to finish meal prep for the week ((though only have enough protein to last through Tuesday)… I had much less time as I just had too many social things going on this week.
I know if my sleep is bad, anxiety and paranoia starts to kick in. I suppose this is why I’m writing…to catch the nonsense when I write it down. It is a way to expose the darkness.
I think I should really make an effort to avoid having more than one social event a weekend. Friday night may be ok…but I really need an open Saturday or Sunday in order to get caught up.
With my understanding of locus of control, I better realize the depth of the problems I faced last year. I strongly lean towards an internal locus of control. The pro of this is that I can be very driven in going after a goal I’m interested in and I take responsibility for my actions readily. The problem is I also tend to “inflict” responsibility on myself for others’ actions/responses (internalize negative responses).
I also have a bit of a fear of conflict, possibly related to this same issue. Things got really challenging last year because I found myself in a situation where I had lost control, and the only way I could get it back was via confrontation. I was afraid of conflict, because a probable negative response would have become internalized as a comment on myself…and so I choose to abstain, which only made the whole situation worse. I then started approaching the external locus of control, which in the extreme can lead to depression from feeling helpless.
It is no wonder I had such a hard time. This is why I have to face more situations in which there will be a negative response. I need to balance out my drive on being responsible for my actions against not taking responsibility for things out of my control. This will help me with facing conflict, and not beating myself up if things go wrong (and yet somehow still be able to learn what I can better from those interactions).
Being human is tough.
So I finished the game Celeste today. Well, not counting the free dlc anyway. It was a beautiful experience and one I’ll write about in more detail later. The main point the game makes is that anxiety and/or depression (insecurity) is an important aspect of yourself that is there for a good reason and shouldn’t be ignored just because it might be getting in the way of the thing you want (or the event you fear coming to pass).
In the game, due to the special properties of the mountain the protagonist is trying to climb, that insecurity gets a body and can communicate the way people do.
Real anxiety can’t talk to you. It has trouble understanding what you are doing. It lives in that primal part of the brain that considers your survival the first priority. Since it can’t talk, it uses your emotion to communicate it senses danger. That emotion translates to physical responses in your body. It varies from person to person just how that manifests.
In my case, one of those responses is feeling my body start to become cold. I remember talking about that before in an emotional intelligence class…
I got cut off while I was working on this post. Part of that whole trying to be social despite my anxiety…and somehow trying to find a way to work with it.
So in addition to that cold sensation, I have started to understand the tension I feel building up in my muscles. Like a coil getting ready to be unleashed. It gets bad when I’m in group situations with a bunch of people I don’t know. I understand better where it comes from. I was picked on and exiled from groups as a kid often. That stuff was traumatizing. That “part of me” is just trying to protect me. It is not an unfounded fear either. People in groups tend to be dicks. I mean just look at the political environment. Tribal political for the lose.
Somehow I need to figure out how to be ok with that anxiety. Maybe I just need to continue to build my self-effiacy in those social scenarios. I need to believe I can survive those situations, and even benefit from them. Small bits of exposure may be the best way. It’ll be slow going, and there will be some bad moments. But I can do this.
Talked about my wife, health, my fears of her falling into the same end my mother did. Trying to find a balance between my measure of control and how the situation effects me. Locus of control…I tend towards internal locus…heavy on thinking I am responsible for what happens, causes anxiety (the opposite would be no influence, no control which leads to depression… which I definitely experienced last summer with the Natalie situation).
The trick, it seems, is how much do I allow external events or decisions effect how I feel about myself. The answer is not necessarily to be straight in the middle.
Can I just sit back and not care? In light of my health fear? How likely is that situation? Can I more involved elsewhere for that not to matter? Is that even congruent with my values?
Also, I need to take more stock on what positive things my wife has contributed to my life. Moreover, does she feel like she contributes to my overall well being at all? Does anyone? How much of an effect does this have?