5.10.22 How bad do I want this?

This thought is latching to my brain today. It was triggered while browsing through FL. I was considering maybe looking at attending various local events, and came across my ex’s profile as a possible attendee. It brought back some painful memories. I’ll flat out say it, this person was a narcissist. They did a lot of emotional damage. The highs (or love bombs) were not worth the crippling lows. I went no contact a long while ago to protect myself. Now I’m afraid that my odds of running back into this person in the real world are more likely, especially if I try to attend any local events. I really don’t like confrontation. Meanwhile, this person *loved* to start arguments as a way to test people. That’s a massive waste of energy IMO. Now I could try to excuse this person based on the traumatic past they’ve had, but that isn’t okay. They were toxic. That experience is a poignant reminder for me that even as a polyamorous person, it is not worth pursuing toxic relationships, regardless of all of their other qualities. The damage to my psyche, and those around me as I stew in depression, is not worth it.

So back to this thought. It came up while I trained at the gym this morning. Working out is important to me as a mood regulator. I did not train at all last week due to being out for a wedding. Sure enough, come sunday I felt a melancholy just wash over me. Yes my social anxiety cup had runneth over, but also my bulwark was decayed. Then I remembered how I felt last year as I saw progress photos from last year. I was starting to like how I looked, for the first time ever in my life. It gave me an extra bit of confidence that I never knew could exist. I could actually see myself dressing in nice things that weren’t just ren fair garb.

And so as I struggle with trying to keep a fitness routine going I have this concern of confrontation in my head. I know the universe loves to fuck with me, and so at some point it’ll happen even with avoiding those events. I feel that I need to get my body back to where I was early last year. Rebuilding that confidence in myself is to serve as that shield for my mind when I fully expect this person will try to tear me down and/or emotionally manipulate me into doing that myself. I know the mechanical things that I have to do. It comes down to gritting my teeth and getting it done…and not injuring myself in the process.

I need to get up earlier during the week. The Tuesday/Thursday morning strength training is nice…but I can do more. If I’m making slow incremental process through this “part time” training schedule I’m on now (keeping my nutrition in check of course), then I can just imagine my progress should I commit. If I want to be ready to handle those barbs, then I need to commit to this phase of training. No one else is going to be be able to help me with this.

Okay, I feel a bit better putting this out into the ether. I know what I need to do.

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4-2-21 Life update

it’s been a while since I have updated this blog. I’ve noticed more likes and follows despite this…which is better odd, but cool. I hope my meanderings have been useful in some way.

Today is the first day I’ve been on the metro in over a year. it’s a weird experience. I’m going to spend the weekend with a partner of mine. I think this is the first time I’ve been able to spend this much time with a poly partner that wasn’t basically a hotel outting. There’s a poly milestone for you. They’ve risen the bar for good partners. I feel at ease around them.

On the fitness stuff… I’m platued at 170 and 22% bodyfat. Sometimes I’ll drop to 167, but that seems to be mostly at the expense of water. I haven’t been doing the same amount of evening workouts and walka due to injuries. I’m in the mend now. My trainer is changing gyms so my schedule is currently in flux. I’ll know more next week on how I’ll move forward. Either we can make something work at planet fitness or I’ll have to work with a different trainer at my main gym.

My goal is still 15% bodyfat by August 15.

8-14-19 workout

  • 500m rows
  • Deadlift bar 90lb 12×1
  • Dl bar 140lb 10×3
  • Dl bar 170lb 5×3 (struggled on form)
  • Squats with 40lb dumbbell 12×3
  • Cable row 100lb 10×3 then superset tricep pulldown 80lb 8×3
  • MTN climber x10, plankjack x5… increment by 10 and 5 until 50 and 25 reps
  • Dumbbell lunge 30 lb 8×3, both legs… focus on raised calf
  • Rdl 35lb 12×3
  • Front lat raise thumbs out 12.5lb 10×3 and superset lat raise 12×3…reverse on last set
  • Pulldown palms face me 120lb 5×3
  • Kb 35 lb upright row 12×3

5-24-19 murph

Today’s workout was the Murphy…or something to that effect. I don’t know the whole story but it is related to memorial day. The setup goes like this:

  • 1 mile run under 9 min or substitute the following (not equivalent at all imo)
  • 200 jumping jacks
  • 100 mountain climbers
  • 100 toe taps
  • 100 lunges
  • 50 kb swings
  • Then:
  • 100 pull-ups
  • 200 push-ups
  • 300 squats
  • Repeat mile or substitute

I still owe 100 push-ups, 20 pull ups, and the mile or substitute

4-25-19 strength training session

I think I need to stick to using gloves as the weights get heavier. Bruised up the palm of my left hand. Anyhow…

  • 200m row warmup
  • 10×2 squats with bar only
  • 50lb 10×2
  • 60lb 6×2
  • 70lb 4×4
  • Superset x3:
  • 30 lb incline press x8
  • 12lb fly x10
  • Plank reverse fly 10lb
  • Superset 2..4 sets:
  • Pulldowns (chinup position) 160lb x8
  • Rows 40lb x12
  • Next
  • Yellow kb upright rows 3×8 (remember to pull outwards at top)
  • Yellow kb reverse dead lift 3×12
  • Yellow kb side lunge 10/leg one set
  • One arm squat thrust 30lb 3×8…cut short because of hand issue… switched to band
  • Superset 4:
  • Bosu ball side shuffle x40
  • Red band looped around pillar, one knee up, press band out…core twist resist
  • 10 flutter kicks, 1 leg up, repeat and increment raise 2..then 3

4-24-19 thunder

This morning’s session below. I’m also having a strength training session tonight. I guess I have a bit of anxiety over how I’ll do. I also rolled out my hips, glutes, and calves this morning. I should do that again this afternoon. Hips were a bit tight. Not sure if we’re doing squats or deadlifts tonight.

  • Warmup:
  • Jog
  • High knees
  • Butt kickers
  • Break line
  • Bear crawl forward and backwards
  • Lunges
  • Sprints
  • Jog up hill
  • End warmup
  • Arm rotations, hip flexor stretch, hip thrusts…mix in push-ups or mountain climbers between.
  • Circuit 1, 15 reps a station
  • Rope slams with split lunges
  • One leg hip thrusts with med ball
  • Mountain climbers x4 with sliders, pushup
  • Tire thrusts
  • Run
  • Circuit 2:
  • Large tire flip x5
  • Box jumps
  • Trx squat jump
  • Sled push
  • Run
  • Circuit 3, timed, abs:
  • Use water bottle or kb for center..alternate leg 1 by 1 over item
  • In and outs
  • V ups
  • Final
  • To tune of Thunderstruck, burpees Everytime thunder is said. Squats in between.

4-23-19 workout

  • Warm up run with dynamic movements
  • Circuit 60 seconds:
  • Sliders knees to chest
  • Med ball situps
  • In and out abs with tire on wall
  • Ball slam
  • Hammers
  • Circuit 2, 10 reps x 4 sets a station, agility ladder, box shuffle between sets
  • Circuit 3, 25 reps, 25 abs knee to chest, 2 sets
  • 1-2-3 count flutter kicks to 70
  • 1-2-3 count push-ups to 30

12-15-19 strength training

Writing down what I remember of last session so I can figure out a lighter version to do on my own

  1. 500m row warmups
  2. Bar squat x12
  3. Heavy Weighted bar squat,x8 for 5 sets
  4. Warm-up good mornings x12
  5. Heavy good morning 3set,8 rep
  6. Shoulder shrugs
  7. Hammer curl, bicep curl 12, 5..3 sets
  8. Shoulder press, lat raises
  9. Pushups
  10. Pull-up bar hold, 10 single each leg raise, 5 both leg up
  11. 10 leg raise on bar
  12. Med ball sitting turn press…core tight emphasis
  13. Reverse fly
  14. Chinup pulldown

12-15-19 strength training

Writing down what I remember of last session so I can figure out a lighter version to do on my own

  1. 500m row warmups
  2. Bar squat x12
  3. Heavy Weighted bar squat,x8 for 5 sets
  4. Warm-up good mornings x12
  5. Heavy good morning 3set,8 rep
  6. Shoulder shrugs
  7. Hammer curl, bicep curl 12, 5..3 sets
  8. Shoulder press, lat raises
  9. Pushups
  10. Pull-up bar hold, 10 single each leg raise, 5 both leg up
  11. 10 leg raise on bar
  12. Med ball sitting turn press…core tight emphasis
  13. Reverse fly
  14. Chinup pulldown

1-28-19 workout change

I’ve made the switch to my personal training sessions to be just me instead of the wife and I. There is also much more of a strength training component now. I was already leaned that way, but after trying out a new machine to measure body fat, it became a bit more important. It actually suggested I need more lean mass…not a lot, just .2 lbs, but still good to have some sort of confirmation.

My trainer worked with me on primary barbell exercises, more specifically to calculate my 1 rep max. A lot of that also entailed finding my optimum position for weighted squats and deadlifts.

For my squats, I need a wide stance with toes mostly forward. More importantly, I need a low bar configuration. Trying a high bar with a really heavy weight actually caused me to trip forward. Despite my efforts, I could always feel myself wanting to tip over when doing lighter squats. Now I really see the effect lol. It felt waaaay better with a low bar. This reminds me that now is a good time to review The Supple Leopard. There was a ton of material there on form. Now it will be more relevant. I guess this may mean I have an anterior pelvic tilt issue… which would make sense for a lot of reasons.

For the deadlift, I also need a wide stance. My shins need to align with the first line. My grip in inside, with the inside of my thumb grip where the rough hashes of the bar begin.

The rest was shoulder presses, bench presses, single arm rows (surprised myself that I could get to 45 lbs), and lat pulldowns (145? 150? 1 rm)

What’s supposed to happen next is my trainer will create a 12 week program based on the numbers we got. Now I need to figure out if I add gymside to my membership or see if there is another option.