6-18-19 feeling lonely today

I’m not sure where the emotion is coming from. But I feel it in the front of my head. And maybe in my gut too. I also felt frustrated at work and don’t feel that I made much headway. My diet choices weren’t great either. They had those left over mini burrito leftovers today. And I had a bag of probiotic mixed nuts today. My weight was already on the high side this morning. And I slept in and missed my workout this morning. I do plan on going tonight. I’ll skip my normal dinner and just do a post protein drink.

Maybe I really should setup a jar to practice practicing gratitude. I was going to get a bunch of sticky notes to drop in a jar but I haven’t gone out to get them. I’m worried about finances and the impact of that on my marriage. What I should do is just take some of those copy sheets and cut them into strips to write on them put in the jar. I don’t really believe doing this will help but I guess I can try?

I think I’m fearing taking control. I fear conflict with loved ones. But the price of avoiding it may literally be too high.

What happened to that fighter I used to be? I guess it was easier when I could just count on people hating me. That expectation made for good armor.

Advertisements

6-13-19 post therapy

Points brought up

  • Let wife know it is ok to reach out to me on wanting to spend time. Talked about cycle of fear of rejection
  • Focus more on time spending together if that is what brings happiness.
  • I’d like to plan to visit more faires, like Michigan…maybe Sterling one?
  • Wife inviting me to spend time with her is how our relationship started
  • I’m more busy than I give credit for

6-4-19 feeling sad

I’m not sure why exactly. My wife’s health seems to be getting worse. She was complaining since at least Friday where I had to guilt her into just going on a mile hike on a nearby wooded trail. Saturday she babysat while I worked on as many chores as I could Saturday, including prepping meals for the week. This was so we could go to the Virginia Reinassance festival on Sunday. We did get to go. She wasn’t able to get her “too big” bodice to fit.

Monday evening she complains that she has a lot of sinus pressure and is getting dizzy spells. I skip my planned hike to keep an eye on her. I’m a bit concerned. I also noticed earlier her medication bottled had been empty for awhile. I’m not sure if dropping off Zoloft and buspar can cause those kinds of issues.

After last week’s financial fuck ups on her side, I clamped down on her ability to buy stuff on iTunes. I’m also regularly checking mint now with both of our accounts.

I know she has challenges right now. Work and school. Then the babysitter gig… which I’m starting to think I might need to put an end to. And this is where I’m starting to feel conflicted on how much control I should take. The ethics vs the practicality and frankly financial survival. She works those extra hours and puts herself in places where bad food options are all she has, and she does nothing else to take care of herself. I feel it will get to a critical point of no recovery if left to her own devices.

The long term plan was for her to finish school this year so that she can work somewhere that won’t constantly have her overworked and even work on holidays…plus shit for days off and sick days. She seems to feel it is more important for her to overwork because of her debts.

I need to setup a clear plan to follow. Maybe a financial advisor. Her overall unhappiness is making it hard for me to be happy around her.

So maybe this is why I’m sad. I feel like I’m going to have to be the jerk to get things on track. It flies in the face of modern sensibilities of ppl being responsible for themselves. Easy to say that when they don’t live my experience.

So reanalyze. Clamp down. Lay down path to better place. Keep cards out of her hands. Be prepared to tell others to fuck off.

5-24-19 murph

Today’s workout was the Murphy…or something to that effect. I don’t know the whole story but it is related to memorial day. The setup goes like this:

  • 1 mile run under 9 min or substitute the following (not equivalent at all imo)
  • 200 jumping jacks
  • 100 mountain climbers
  • 100 toe taps
  • 100 lunges
  • 50 kb swings
  • Then:
  • 100 pull-ups
  • 200 push-ups
  • 300 squats
  • Repeat mile or substitute

I still owe 100 push-ups, 20 pull ups, and the mile or substitute

5-22-19 unhappy emotions

Not feeling great emotionally today. The workout was fine and starting rucking last night was good too. But all these things I’m working towards…health…mental fitness… financial stability…art… I realize I’m doing them alone. I realize my greatest gains have been when I accept that change and improvement only happen through the force of my will. It is my journey.

But the thing is that even though I am an introvert, I don’t truly want to be alone. These are the paths I need to take and I won’t veer from them. My journey is a hard one. For a little while my wife seemed to want to tag along. But I don’t feel that is the case anymore. If she does join, it feels like it is out of obligation or atonement…not because she genuinely wants to travel on this metaphorical journey with me.

5-16-19 therapy

Topics discussed in no particular order

  • Shame cycles and how they interact with partners shame spirals
  • Alpha, beta, theta waves. Ideal to be operating at alpha with short shifts into beta. Extended operation at high beta leads to crash (depression)…makes particular sense with last year extended anxiety leading to depression
  • Financial advisor recommendation to find a balance between working towards financial goals and still enjoying life

5-15-19 pre-therapy dump

At the moment I feel mostly ok. A little tired… didn’t sleep great. Also quite sort from pt yesterday. I’m back little frustrated with not performing as well as I would hope on upper body. Bench presses specifically. I’m also not happy with my weight loss progress. I’ve been making more mistakes on food due to internal emotional turmoil. A little over 3 months until MDRF so I’m feeling the pressure.

I’m thinking what I need to do on that front is slash my protein portion in half for my meals. It worked before. After this week I should be able to keep to the early morning training sessions more regularly. Then I need to add a low intensity cardio session at night or weekend afternoon. Eat less move more. And sleep.

The other challenge to all of this is the social stuff. Thursday night dnd is sorta waivering lately but I still have to assume it will be happening which makes sleep tougher. Then there is the poly stuff. Nothing romantic has happened or even looks imminent. I still have deep rooted fears about allowing myself to be physical with anyone else will be used against me. Physical intimacy with my wife has been more infrequent (as if it wasn’t already more infrequent than I liked). I watched this interesting presentation on Ted by a sex worker that made the link that because men typically feel judged based on money, physical prowress, or their “mojo”, and that control on the first 2 can be a bit more limited, it leaves men often needing to use sex to allow themselves to be vulnerable and express emotion. It certainly makes me feel better, but not necessarily because of the physical release. There is a sort of play there.

I’ll continue this post later… hopefully. Work time. Another source of anxiety.

4-25-19 strength training session

I think I need to stick to using gloves as the weights get heavier. Bruised up the palm of my left hand. Anyhow…

  • 200m row warmup
  • 10×2 squats with bar only
  • 50lb 10×2
  • 60lb 6×2
  • 70lb 4×4
  • Superset x3:
  • 30 lb incline press x8
  • 12lb fly x10
  • Plank reverse fly 10lb
  • Superset 2..4 sets:
  • Pulldowns (chinup position) 160lb x8
  • Rows 40lb x12
  • Next
  • Yellow kb upright rows 3×8 (remember to pull outwards at top)
  • Yellow kb reverse dead lift 3×12
  • Yellow kb side lunge 10/leg one set
  • One arm squat thrust 30lb 3×8…cut short because of hand issue… switched to band
  • Superset 4:
  • Bosu ball side shuffle x40
  • Red band looped around pillar, one knee up, press band out…core twist resist
  • 10 flutter kicks, 1 leg up, repeat and increment raise 2..then 3

4-24-19 thunder

This morning’s session below. I’m also having a strength training session tonight. I guess I have a bit of anxiety over how I’ll do. I also rolled out my hips, glutes, and calves this morning. I should do that again this afternoon. Hips were a bit tight. Not sure if we’re doing squats or deadlifts tonight.

  • Warmup:
  • Jog
  • High knees
  • Butt kickers
  • Break line
  • Bear crawl forward and backwards
  • Lunges
  • Sprints
  • Jog up hill
  • End warmup
  • Arm rotations, hip flexor stretch, hip thrusts…mix in push-ups or mountain climbers between.
  • Circuit 1, 15 reps a station
  • Rope slams with split lunges
  • One leg hip thrusts with med ball
  • Mountain climbers x4 with sliders, pushup
  • Tire thrusts
  • Run
  • Circuit 2:
  • Large tire flip x5
  • Box jumps
  • Trx squat jump
  • Sled push
  • Run
  • Circuit 3, timed, abs:
  • Use water bottle or kb for center..alternate leg 1 by 1 over item
  • In and outs
  • V ups
  • Final
  • To tune of Thunderstruck, burpees Everytime thunder is said. Squats in between.

4-23-19 workout

  • Warm up run with dynamic movements
  • Circuit 60 seconds:
  • Sliders knees to chest
  • Med ball situps
  • In and out abs with tire on wall
  • Ball slam
  • Hammers
  • Circuit 2, 10 reps x 4 sets a station, agility ladder, box shuffle between sets
  • Circuit 3, 25 reps, 25 abs knee to chest, 2 sets
  • 1-2-3 count flutter kicks to 70
  • 1-2-3 count push-ups to 30