1-24-19 solo therapy

Focused on dealing with my inhibitions in social scenarios. Looking into getting more comfortable with the unpredictable. Improv classes would be good practice. Value in the small interactions. Builds towards the bigger interactions. Akwardness is just discomfort from the unknown. Become more familiar with the scenarios via more practice/exposure. Becomes less awkward.

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Positive traits 2019

These are in no particular order.

  • I have an iron will
  • I’m intelligent
  • I am a Slytherin in that I’m focused, do not let obstacles stop me, and I’m deeply loyal to my close friends.
  • I’m “really good at fucking”
  • 5/5 pornstar rating
  • I have a ton of physical endurance
  • I’m learn from my mistakes
  • I’m a good listener
  • I make people feel safe
  • The “glue” of my family
  • Patient
  • Resourceful
  • I’ve been equated to a swiss army knife
  • I can surprise people with how passionate I can be in face to my usual quiet reserved demeanor
  • Insightful
  • respectful of others’ feelings
  • Soulful eyes
  • Attractive shoulders
  • Looks good in black
  • I am detail oriented
  • I am clever
  • I am good at goal setting
  • I am good at creating evocative imagery through my writing.
  • I’m known as the person who can find answers to almost anything
  • I’m still pretty good at video games
  • I’m a decent shield fighter when larping
  • I have “good battlefield awareness”
  • I have been a professional mentor
  • Open minded
  • Analytical
  • Good planner
  • Self-Driven
  • Independent
  • Has grit
  • Great problem solver
  • Fast reaction speed
  • Persistent*
  • Supportive of those close to me
  • Humble to a fault (I write as I try play up my strengths)
  • I smell nice.
  • I appreciate constructive critism
  • I generally have a positive outlook on life.
  • I workout regularly.
  • I eat healthy by cooking my own meals and prepping food for the week.
  • I enjoy stories that explore the moral grey
  • I love playing D&D
  • I enjoy Ren Faires
  • I don’t care for most sports (but I do enjoy watching UFC fights when the situation presents itself)
  • My chest hair resembles the Batman signal

Positivity 2019

I’m trying a new thing after a realization last night. Short of it is that after I saw Sara briefly after my SF session, and I wanted to be friendly and say hi. Besides her being unfairly cute (not necessarily in the sexy way), I appreciated her physical fitness and have been wanting to make more friends with people who care about their bodies. Anyhow…that voice interrupted in my head before I could say anything and made me believe that she (and anyone for that matter) would instantly dislike any attention from me specifically. So I did that “I got other stuff to do” routine and bailed.

As I walked, I started to think on why I think that way? Why is my gut reaction that no one wants to hear from me? Why can’t I flip that around and approach it from the angle that people actually want to hear from me? How can I fix the spectrum of my self-esteem to be on the positive rather than negative?

Sometime that same day, I was idly putzing around on OKC and noticed a new person on my list (because I haven’t been active in messaging or likes/dislikes, my list is normally static). Reading the profile, she seemed like someone I could have stimulating conversation with, and she was just interested in friends and did not care for hookups… which at this stage I really appreciate. The other thing I caught on to was the lack of overt negativity.

I thought more about that as I looked at other profiles and noted how many start by complaining about the kind of people they don’t like.

So I started thinking I should start positive and note my good traits. That, of course, is where I ran into problems. I don’t know how to write about myself in the positive all too well. And so, I’ll be creating a sticky post listing those traits, and positive things people have said about me. I’m going to pull a Pokemon and collect them all!

Maybe I can smother that darkness by overwhelming it with contradictory information. I’m sort of seeing the climax scene in “Flight of Dragons” with the bad guy being beat by math and logic.

12-19-18 couple’s therapy

We talked a bit about my concerns from yesterday. I’m not sure if any solution came out of it. I think at best a Luke warm non-committal to maybe do a 1 day a week sf session from my wife.

I guess I’m being asked to be what feels like eternally patient. I feel like shutting down and not bothering to try to help her anymore with the health stuff.

I think I feel sad.

11-4-18 back to work

I’m switching back to early morning workouts. Even with trying to stay up later, social stuff isn’t happening. I’m also annoyed that I’m having trouble getting back under 190. I will get back to where I was before Ren faire and getting sick. I don’t have anything better to do now other than continue to work, and exercise. My fitness is my focus now. I’ll look at the social stuff when I’m in the low 170s. I feel alone in this.

This morning’s circuit:

Warmup run

2nd warm-up with 10 squats between each exercise: arm rotations, leg extensions, hip thrust, squat to pushup(1 min), squat jacks

10 min circuit, start 5, increment by 5 until 25, then downwards

Pushup

Situp

Squat

2nd circuit 12 min:

Sprint x5

Kb swing green 10

Trx row 10

10 combat rope slam

High knees through floor ladder, tire

Jumping jacks through ladder

Tire thrust 10

Sledgehammer 20

3rd circuit

Repeat, change tire thrust to tire tapsx30…3 burpees after each session

Final, sprints approx every 30 seconds

Stretches

11-29-18 therapy

Nifty phrase

We can’t avoid pain but we don’t have to suffer.

We talked about my ability to reframe a negative experience into a net positive one. Useful skill.

Example, my “failed” poly relationship led to me writing down what I consider positive and negative traits to look for in potential friends and partners.

11-28-18 Discipline and Depression

This morning I felt some anger. Partially at myself for forgetting to take off the dog’s diaper before he went outside. I put on a new one when he got back in, fed him, and shortly thereafter he peed in it again while in the house. That was the last one we had so now I an going to worry until we get the reusable ones.

I also had less sleep because my wife set her alarm extra early, even though she went to bed later than me. I was starting to consistently get 7 hours of sleep until today. She’s been having issues going to bed on time, in part due to staying up playing games. Either destiny 2 or overwatch. I don’t blame the games, let’s be clear. If it wasn’t those games, it would be a phone game. If that wasn’t an option, it would be social media.

There will always be something. These are all avoidance tactics. She doesn’t want to face the uncomfortable things like all the school work she has put off, or working out, or any number of things that take more work and have a perceived risk of failure. I get it. Sometimes at work I’ll hit a tough issue or just feel tired, and find myself ducking out to scroll through FB or Reddit. I’m getting better at catching myself. Ultimately I’m better at disciplining myself. I’m not always successful, but that doesn’t mean I quit trying.

Depression sucks. I’ll face it now and then. The vast majority of the time it happens, it is because something is going wrong in my life. The last episode was because of the drama my sis in law brought to my home, making it not safe.

My wife is blaming it on the iud she had installed. It is possible that can contribute, but I don’t think that means she should just throw up her hands and give in. That demon needs to be fought. I know it well.

I’m helping for now by working to take away her distractions. This requires me to “be hard” as my father once viewed as a positive trait in my sister’s ex. I’m starting with helping her fix her sleep schedule by restrictioning internet access on her desktop computer after 10. I can’t rely on that sort of tactic forever though. She needs to build her discipline. I won’t always be there.

11-12-18 resolution

So I finally broke things off. Didn’t go the way I expected but that rarely happens anyway. Shortly after my therapist appointment she goes into a meltdown on my wife and I. My wife didn’t handle it All too well. Not too sure I did either, but it did seem any attempt to descalate the situation was met with more attacks. Apparently she blew up on her husband too, so this may have been unavoidable.

Things settled down a bit later after she had a doc appointment that put her on anesthesia. My wife cleaned up their house after getting her sewing stuff.

By Saturday there was 1 more altercation. I was cleaning up the yard of fallen plants at the time. She sort of apologized, then brought up the Spectre of breaking up. I thought on it a bit, then followed through on it.

It was not a happy relationship. Whatever good stuff was there was gone. I feel a little bad about it…but also relieved? Even towards the start the start there were drama moments. I was already in it at the time, but I should really been more wary about the J drama. Even if they weren’t involved at the time, the behavior is a red flag.

There are always at least 2 sides to a story. She painted him as this guy with major emotional regulation issues, but how much of it did she contribute to? Towards the end with us, she used every opportunity to point out something wrong with either of us.

When that is the majority of the relationship, there is no point to it.

So in the future when it comes to starting new relationships, whether poly or not, pay careful attention to how one speaks of their friends, enemies, and lovers. Also be aware if they had a traumatic childhood.