Already forgot some things so I will write what I remember.
Curls to shoulder press 20lbx8
Run to tire, flip 5 times
One leg raise on box with resist band underfoot…red..x8
35lb kb swing,x1…sprint to wall and back..repeat and increment to 10
Tricep extension rope 40, be close to rope
Facepull, stagger stance, rope split to sides of face
6th, reverse fly with 12lb
I spoke with my wife about the therapy stuff. Also tried to focus on not averting my eyes when talking. I noticed she had issues maintaining eye contact.
A thing that was decided was to check in with each other daily for now for accountabilty purposes. With plans to fall back to a weekly rythym.
I think the take away is my need to work towards my goals, and the need for my partner to keep up? Or at least in not such a way that I need to keep pulling her up.
2nd day of morning training. I definitely feel more energized. I may have messed up my left wrist though. Right knee is getting better but I really need to keep up with the self massage techniques now. Getting older is kind of sucking.
Yesterday was busy as far as work was concerned. A web “training” session that started feeling more like a sales call.
Worked on a very back logged support queue. Really tired of dealing with push work. Especially when most of the cases have work around and are for obscure issues that also require me spending a ton of time trying to replicate the issue, research, and hunt down users to coordinate on interface time. My boss’s priorities are focused on project work that effects the whole company and are much more time sensitive. That and security issues still take priority. I don’t have time to fix things that are minor in comparison to the big picture.
Socially I didn’t hear from people much. There was some feedback on my FB post regarding the morning workout routine.
I spent the entire evening cooking and cleaning. Wife was sick. No concrete info on a timeline for when my sister in law moves out.
Good sessions today. Also distracted by a conversation in front. Some business leader and another guy. Almost sounds lecture like.
Key things I’m trying to remember is navigating the fog, and going to the meta cognition when I’m feeling anxiety and depression. Recognize there isn’t really a threat there.
Also there is my paralysis by analysis issue in social scenarios. Accepting that I don’t have always say the right thing. And that the worst case scenario result isn’t that bad.
Think more to think less.
I am my own person. I do not need anyone’s approval for enforcing my boundaries.
I think I slept a little better on Monday. Today I woke around 5 and could not get back to sleep. Didn’t have the thought spirals though.
Yesterday my aunt texted me via WhatsApp. She was responding to another post I made regarding how I keep waking up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. She has been working in psychiatry for 28 years. My sleep issue, according to her, is a classic Hallmark of depression. She implored me into looking at medical help.
It certainly fits with a lot of what I’ve been experiencing. I thought I had crawled out of that hole decades ago, but I suppose that demon has always slinking been around. The events of the past 6 months, coupled with all the loss from last year, seemed to have super charged it.
I do plan on talking with her more about the details, and all the stuff I’m dealing with now that is contributing. I am trying to remove those factors but factors outside of my control make it very slow going. The question is can I recover without the medication when I eliminate those issues?
I made the most gains in my life when I decided to trust in myself. Trust what I feel to be correct. I have no need for external validation. I don’t need anyone else to “make things better” for me. Follow or get out of the way.
Had a nightmare where my house was being invaded. I was body slamming ppl left and right but was being overwhelmed. Tried calling my wife but got no help. Then I tried calling my sis, and then I woke up.
Sought when I try to be social to successful I become very anxious when I’m not trying I’m not anxious and ironically I become a lot more successful at being social
Today’s date seems all the more ominous with what is going on personally with the backdrop of the national tragedy 17 years ago.
Woke up around 4. Couldn’t get back to sleep. Looked at the phone, saw the truth bombs from Amber. As usual she brings in good points. I try to explain what I’m feeling, how I’m trying to come to a fair resolution, and the challenges I am going through trying to get there.
Darcie explodes once again. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I really do need a better social support system. How do I get there when I’m feeling so broken? Objectively I know it isn’t true, but subjectively I feel hated.