1-15-19 random thoughts

I’m starting to get sick I think. I have that scratchy throat sensation. It started yesterday. So far it hasn’t been as severe as what I experienced late last year (no auto suggestion, you do not always need to follow last with Jedi). It still sucks though as I’m going to have to pull back from my aggressive workout plans until this clears.

I need to figure out something for my throat that doesn’t involve honey. I know the anti-bacterial components are useful…but all that sugar is gonna fuck me up. I picked up the weight I did late last year because I basically ignored my diet, hoping I could recover faster. Not sure if it helped.

Unrelated, I’ve been thinking on the poly stuff again. I’ve been wanting to update my profile and message people again, but I’m afraid it will put me in the same intensely uncomfortable trap I ended up in last yea. Granted there were other variables at home that sabotaged any emotional resilience I had…but even before that I would experience very intense anxiety (fight or flight physical manifestations) anytime my wife brought up realistically possible romantic/sexual with other men. I don’t see how that autonomic response will go away.

Nor should it I suppose? These emotions are there for reasons I was surpressing because I didn’t want to be the unreasonable one. From the perspective of trying to maintain a predictable safe life, adding that component adds a lot more risk and cost than I am capable of taking on right now. Risks include things like STI’s, pregnancy risks, money costs (dating, going out, etc.. especially when NRE hits).

I’m not quite sure where to proceed from here.

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