Angel

I’m facing an uncomfortable thing that I need to do. I need to break things off with a potential poly partner before things get any more serious. I need to put my concerns to text to help navigate my way through.

A quick background in this person:

I met this person via OKC. I did the a list sub for a bit which included daily “boosts” that showed my profile to more people on their “double take” system… basically a Tinder copy. She saw me through there and actually messaged me first. I think that is the 2nd time I’ve ever been the receiver of a first contact initiation. It was flattering…and that is why it has been more difficult to break this off.

It is rare that anyone gives me compliment on my attractiveness right out of the gate. I was feeling particularly lonely at the time and played down the red flags. Thankfully nothing physically sexual has happened (text stuff is another story). The part that makes this particular hard to work through is she is a regular vet at faire, so I have a fear of things blowing up. I guess I need to convince myself that the worst case scenario is unlikely, and even if it were to happen it won’t be that bad. Anyway, on to the red flags.

This connection very quickly turned sexual online. One of the lessons I thought I learned from my previous poly relationships was that I moved things too fast. This almost feels like lightspeed in comparison 😅. The sexts started within hours. I went with it… again because I was feeling particularly lonely and sexually frustrated (my wife and I were on a particularly bad dry spell).

The other problems quickly followed. She is a major masochist. I thought my ex was relatively extreme at the time…this person literally wants to be punches, kicked, and wants to do the consentual non-consent thing. I am not comfortable with that. I thought I could be open minded and try to understand it. It is my understanding that people into this kink do so generally to retake control of abusive pasts. She definitely has that. I did let her know that I was uncomfortable with going that far and seemed to understand that. I let things escalate a little in person because of that. But now she seems to be trying to push things in that direction again.

My wife and her gf had a talk about this concern. Her gf has significant kink experience and gave some good points about the dangers here. Reminds me that I need to review safe and sane/rack again.

So take away all of these safety issues and I’m still left with a possible relationship with a person I don’t feel a strong emotional connection. The common interests are limited as well. I don’t see much in the way of emotional support.

The goal of poly for me remains to be filling in the hole Stephy left behind.  I enjoy ren faires and craft stuff, but that is just 1 dimension of my personality.  I have been on a mission of self-improvement since my mid 20s.  Steph helped me a lot with that, even when the path was painful.  I tried to do the same for her.  I cannot continue that journey with a person who literally begs me to hurt them.

So to summarize the reasons why I need to break this off, mainly for myself:

  • I don’t feel safe with that level of kink.  Not so much because of the potential physical harm to myself, but more so the mental and even potentially social harm
  • I do not feel comfortable with the STI risk on account of having no information on how partners sexual risk levels are tracked outside of just using protection.
  • This relationship will not lead to me being a better or happier person.
  • The physical distance would make maintaining this relationship logistically difficult
  • She has stated visiting her home is not an option, which only makes the distance issue even harder.
  • I do not feel a strong emotional connection.  No “Fuck yes” feeling.

 

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7-17-19 catch up

Life got busy and I found myself lacking the time to even just complete a text dump here. I’m not sure where to start.

Poly stuff has put me in a strange place recently. I met someone 3 weeks ago who was surprisingly forward for what I’m used to dealing with. And now it has hit this strange super casual thing which I’m not comfortable with. It is difficult for me to feel for anyone over the ocassional short text every few days. Even if they’re “sweet” texts, I don’t feel right trying to reply in the same way. It isn’t authentic. I guess it would be difficult to work anyway as she has a much different life style than I do, so our interests and passions don’t align. It is mostly a chemistry thing. I’m aware most guys would love that sort of setup, but not me. I need to feel that mental connection. Whatever other relationship I get into has to bring the best out of me in someway. Or at least something positive. With Amber it at least encouraged my art exploration.

And then we pan over to this new person. We’ll use page as a name. We haven’t met in person yet she puts forwardness on a whole new level. She has some kinks that honestly could get me in trouble if things go wrong. She’s also been very frequent and intense in her communications and seems to expect the same from me. In addition, going back to my earlier thought, I’m not sure interactions with her will bring out the good parts of me. I’m worried it’ll bring out something really bad instead. And not the “hot” kind of bad. I do have a meet up planned this Saturday. My instinct is telling me to be careful. I should heed that.

Financial stuff has been challenging, but I think there is a good plan going. I ended up taking out a consolidation loan. I had decided against it earlier, but after getting fucked by the IRS and state tax, I’m down 9k and all due in a short time. So with this, I can hold them off and get my cc debts down so I stop bleeding out in interest. At the rate things were going, it would be years of making little headway. After a year of this loan (of 3) I should already be cutting ahead in terms of interest saved.

This leads into budget management. I think I already wrote on this earlier. I configured custom budgets in mint for play money for the wife, myself, and a couple fund. This was a fresh month. Wife is already capped on her budget. So this is where the real test begins. Will she stay disciplined or do I have to take cards away?

I’m still worried about her health too. I get work and school have robbed her of all time. The school is meant to be the ticket out of her job and ultimately debt situation. But she is still paying the health price now, and I am not sure if that damage can be recovered from when time opens up.

5-15-19 pre-therapy dump

At the moment I feel mostly ok. A little tired… didn’t sleep great. Also quite sort from pt yesterday. I’m back little frustrated with not performing as well as I would hope on upper body. Bench presses specifically. I’m also not happy with my weight loss progress. I’ve been making more mistakes on food due to internal emotional turmoil. A little over 3 months until MDRF so I’m feeling the pressure.

I’m thinking what I need to do on that front is slash my protein portion in half for my meals. It worked before. After this week I should be able to keep to the early morning training sessions more regularly. Then I need to add a low intensity cardio session at night or weekend afternoon. Eat less move more. And sleep.

The other challenge to all of this is the social stuff. Thursday night dnd is sorta waivering lately but I still have to assume it will be happening which makes sleep tougher. Then there is the poly stuff. Nothing romantic has happened or even looks imminent. I still have deep rooted fears about allowing myself to be physical with anyone else will be used against me. Physical intimacy with my wife has been more infrequent (as if it wasn’t already more infrequent than I liked). I watched this interesting presentation on Ted by a sex worker that made the link that because men typically feel judged based on money, physical prowress, or their “mojo”, and that control on the first 2 can be a bit more limited, it leaves men often needing to use sex to allow themselves to be vulnerable and express emotion. It certainly makes me feel better, but not necessarily because of the physical release. There is a sort of play there.

I’ll continue this post later… hopefully. Work time. Another source of anxiety.

4-19-19 lighter

This is the first night I’ve had a full night of sleep in a while. It definitely helps. Hopefully I can keep the home environment ideal towards that goal of consistent sleep. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be problematic with my wife coming home late and starting the dog barking panic. I’m internally debating if I should have her pay for bark collars since it is her Tuesday night dating partner setup that is going to cause sleep issues for me. I can’t count on her to get home for normal sleeping times.

Reminds me, I still need to review our expected combined expenditures and analyze what the percentage total I’m paying for those shared expenses. While I am aware she has limitations because of her debts, the goal should be to reach a more even split on those costs. This is one of the reasons I am supporting her through school. I should not always be financially carrying that extra weight. There are plenty of things I would like to do but can’t because I give more of my time and money just to give her a shot. That should not be taken advantage of.

In other news, it looks like I am cutting things off with one potential partner. My standards are too high [JackieChanface.jpg]. This is okay. I was already feeling like there were too many people in my life. It also helped me better confirm what relationship I want to add to my life in the context of my limited time.

My reason for getting into poly was to find a way to fill in the home Stephy left behind. There were quite a few special qualities she had. One of them was how she functioned as an emotional check for me. I respected her intelliect and I felt she had a good understanding of who I was and where I was trying to get to, emotionally speaking. Sometimes those checks weren’t in my favor, but I knew they always came from a place of love. I do not get the sense this person can fill this role. Sure I’m asking for a lot and it is ok to not want to fill that role (Steph didn’t ask for it, but that was what our dynamic became… always trying to help each other find our way).

I should retool my profile to better reflect what I offer and what I’m looking for.

3-18-19 life catch up

It has been a while since I have updated this blog. Life has been busy. I’m not quite sure where to pick up from. It feels like one long sequence since a couple weekends ago now. There was the helping A for a bit. Then the almost inevitable drama storm that followed. I’m conflicted between helping and protecting myself from mind fuckery (which I don’t believe is intentional but it is a thing I have to protect myself from).

I realize there is another A in my life. We are just friends. It has been nice having at least a good chat buddy and being able to discuss “the kink world” and our own backgrounds. The majority of my blog time has been going to those email back and forth.

Then there is Jen, which kind of leaves me confused I think. Nice person, and she surprised me by asking me out to a play seemingly out the blue. I think my anxiety kicked in a bit there. The last couple of times I had a 2nd date, things moved quickly all of a sudden. That didn’t happen this time, which I’m kind of glad for. There was the cheek kiss though, which for me still means something. Maybe I’m still fighting with my self-esteem issues and doubting people’s interest in me. Not sure yet. Maybe I’m viewing the lack of heavy chatter as something else? I could also be over thinking it… I do tend to do that… I say as I type into a blog.

My workout schedule has fluctuated in dealing with some of these social developments. This week I plan to hit it hard. Sat-wed soldierfit (wed being a PT day). Thursday I want to fit in running as the weather improves. I think Friday will be my only real rest day. That day is reserved quality time with my wife.

1-15-19 random thoughts

I’m starting to get sick I think. I have that scratchy throat sensation. It started yesterday. So far it hasn’t been as severe as what I experienced late last year (no auto suggestion, you do not always need to follow last with Jedi). It still sucks though as I’m going to have to pull back from my aggressive workout plans until this clears.

I need to figure out something for my throat that doesn’t involve honey. I know the anti-bacterial components are useful…but all that sugar is gonna fuck me up. I picked up the weight I did late last year because I basically ignored my diet, hoping I could recover faster. Not sure if it helped.

Unrelated, I’ve been thinking on the poly stuff again. I’ve been wanting to update my profile and message people again, but I’m afraid it will put me in the same intensely uncomfortable trap I ended up in last yea. Granted there were other variables at home that sabotaged any emotional resilience I had…but even before that I would experience very intense anxiety (fight or flight physical manifestations) anytime my wife brought up realistically possible romantic/sexual with other men. I don’t see how that autonomic response will go away.

Nor should it I suppose? These emotions are there for reasons I was surpressing because I didn’t want to be the unreasonable one. From the perspective of trying to maintain a predictable safe life, adding that component adds a lot more risk and cost than I am capable of taking on right now. Risks include things like STI’s, pregnancy risks, money costs (dating, going out, etc.. especially when NRE hits).

I’m not quite sure where to proceed from here.

12-10-18 Emotional stuff

Things have been calm overall. I definitely had enough of my social fill on Thursday through Saturday. I also had my most successful twitch to date… unexpected too.

Things have been stable between my wife and I. I went to a work dinner for her job Thursday night. Friday night we went to a soldierfit ugly sweater party at the Rockville ale House. Saturday night we went to the limerick pub to watch the misbehaving maidens performance. Sunday we had personal training. I spent a good chunk of the day on chores.

It was interesting how Friday she wasn’t quite in her element socializing like normal. This was a function of her not regularly going to class. Also it was very crowded and loud.

Saturday felt a bit awkward with that “hole in the wall” feeling the bar gave. Overall it was a fun performance to watch. I also got some dice out of it.

Every so often I’ll think about the poly experience. I did enjoy being able to feel attractive in a hard to deny way. I got to be physical in a different and more intense way. But some of the costs were too much.

11-29-18 therapy

Nifty phrase

We can’t avoid pain but we don’t have to suffer.

We talked about my ability to reframe a negative experience into a net positive one. Useful skill.

Example, my “failed” poly relationship led to me writing down what I consider positive and negative traits to look for in potential friends and partners.

11-12-18 resolution

So I finally broke things off. Didn’t go the way I expected but that rarely happens anyway. Shortly after my therapist appointment she goes into a meltdown on my wife and I. My wife didn’t handle it All too well. Not too sure I did either, but it did seem any attempt to descalate the situation was met with more attacks. Apparently she blew up on her husband too, so this may have been unavoidable.

Things settled down a bit later after she had a doc appointment that put her on anesthesia. My wife cleaned up their house after getting her sewing stuff.

By Saturday there was 1 more altercation. I was cleaning up the yard of fallen plants at the time. She sort of apologized, then brought up the Spectre of breaking up. I thought on it a bit, then followed through on it.

It was not a happy relationship. Whatever good stuff was there was gone. I feel a little bad about it…but also relieved? Even towards the start the start there were drama moments. I was already in it at the time, but I should really been more wary about the J drama. Even if they weren’t involved at the time, the behavior is a red flag.

There are always at least 2 sides to a story. She painted him as this guy with major emotional regulation issues, but how much of it did she contribute to? Towards the end with us, she used every opportunity to point out something wrong with either of us.

When that is the majority of the relationship, there is no point to it.

So in the future when it comes to starting new relationships, whether poly or not, pay careful attention to how one speaks of their friends, enemies, and lovers. Also be aware if they had a traumatic childhood.

11-8-18 therapist

Talked about the Amber thing at length

Take away is I need to take care of myself. Focus on what I like about myself. I define my positive qualities. I have only get one me.

I can state consequences of actions without trying to control anyone. I.e if a person is going to move away, I wouldn’t be able to sustain a relationship. Doing so does not mean I disapprove of their action. If they view it that way, that is them creating their own meaning.