1-15-19 random thoughts

I’m starting to get sick I think. I have that scratchy throat sensation. It started yesterday. So far it hasn’t been as severe as what I experienced late last year (no auto suggestion, you do not always need to follow last with Jedi). It still sucks though as I’m going to have to pull back from my aggressive workout plans until this clears.

I need to figure out something for my throat that doesn’t involve honey. I know the anti-bacterial components are useful…but all that sugar is gonna fuck me up. I picked up the weight I did late last year because I basically ignored my diet, hoping I could recover faster. Not sure if it helped.

Unrelated, I’ve been thinking on the poly stuff again. I’ve been wanting to update my profile and message people again, but I’m afraid it will put me in the same intensely uncomfortable trap I ended up in last yea. Granted there were other variables at home that sabotaged any emotional resilience I had…but even before that I would experience very intense anxiety (fight or flight physical manifestations) anytime my wife brought up realistically possible romantic/sexual with other men. I don’t see how that autonomic response will go away.

Nor should it I suppose? These emotions are there for reasons I was surpressing because I didn’t want to be the unreasonable one. From the perspective of trying to maintain a predictable safe life, adding that component adds a lot more risk and cost than I am capable of taking on right now. Risks include things like STI’s, pregnancy risks, money costs (dating, going out, etc.. especially when NRE hits).

I’m not quite sure where to proceed from here.

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12-10-18 Emotional stuff

Things have been calm overall. I definitely had enough of my social fill on Thursday through Saturday. I also had my most successful twitch to date… unexpected too.

Things have been stable between my wife and I. I went to a work dinner for her job Thursday night. Friday night we went to a soldierfit ugly sweater party at the Rockville ale House. Saturday night we went to the limerick pub to watch the misbehaving maidens performance. Sunday we had personal training. I spent a good chunk of the day on chores.

It was interesting how Friday she wasn’t quite in her element socializing like normal. This was a function of her not regularly going to class. Also it was very crowded and loud.

Saturday felt a bit awkward with that “hole in the wall” feeling the bar gave. Overall it was a fun performance to watch. I also got some dice out of it.

Every so often I’ll think about the poly experience. I did enjoy being able to feel attractive in a hard to deny way. I got to be physical in a different and more intense way. But some of the costs were too much.

11-29-18 therapy

Nifty phrase

We can’t avoid pain but we don’t have to suffer.

We talked about my ability to reframe a negative experience into a net positive one. Useful skill.

Example, my “failed” poly relationship led to me writing down what I consider positive and negative traits to look for in potential friends and partners.

11-12-18 resolution

So I finally broke things off. Didn’t go the way I expected but that rarely happens anyway. Shortly after my therapist appointment she goes into a meltdown on my wife and I. My wife didn’t handle it All too well. Not too sure I did either, but it did seem any attempt to descalate the situation was met with more attacks. Apparently she blew up on her husband too, so this may have been unavoidable.

Things settled down a bit later after she had a doc appointment that put her on anesthesia. My wife cleaned up their house after getting her sewing stuff.

By Saturday there was 1 more altercation. I was cleaning up the yard of fallen plants at the time. She sort of apologized, then brought up the Spectre of breaking up. I thought on it a bit, then followed through on it.

It was not a happy relationship. Whatever good stuff was there was gone. I feel a little bad about it…but also relieved? Even towards the start the start there were drama moments. I was already in it at the time, but I should really been more wary about the J drama. Even if they weren’t involved at the time, the behavior is a red flag.

There are always at least 2 sides to a story. She painted him as this guy with major emotional regulation issues, but how much of it did she contribute to? Towards the end with us, she used every opportunity to point out something wrong with either of us.

When that is the majority of the relationship, there is no point to it.

So in the future when it comes to starting new relationships, whether poly or not, pay careful attention to how one speaks of their friends, enemies, and lovers. Also be aware if they had a traumatic childhood.

11-8-18 therapist

Talked about the Amber thing at length

Take away is I need to take care of myself. Focus on what I like about myself. I define my positive qualities. I have only get one me.

I can state consequences of actions without trying to control anyone. I.e if a person is going to move away, I wouldn’t be able to sustain a relationship. Doing so does not mean I disapprove of their action. If they view it that way, that is them creating their own meaning.