I spoke with a therapist yesterday in an attempt to bulwark my mind against all the crap I’m dealing with while I’m unable to force a change in the situation.  We talked about my youth growing up.  I also talked some with A about some of that too.  A bit of a realization I think I just had is why the current home situation is bothering me so much.

 

Growing up, while my parents were loving people, my brothers were often unstable.  This led to me experiencing a ton of tension and that general feeling of unease at home.  I had gaming as an escape mechanism, but even that was of limited use.

While the situation now isn’t exactly the same, I’m once again feeling unsafe at home.  This is messing with my entire world view.

 

I notice more so now that when I’m seriously sleep deprived, that demon of doubt and self-loathing grows ever so powerful.  Add in everything else going on, and I’m seriously just trying to fight against thoughts of self-harm.  I feel physically and mentally unwell at this moment.  I just want to run away from everything.  My hands are literally shaking.  Fight or flight indeed.

I think I feel used. And depressed. Wondering wth I’m here for.

This is going to be a bit of a brain dump in an attempt to understand what I’m feeling.

I think a significant part of how I’m feeling in response to this phase of the whole poly thing is that I think I’m getting the sensation that I’m being taken advantage of.  Not just in the poly sense, but over the course of the past couple of years even.

 

This is going to sound incredibly mean/possessive on my part, but it is part of what my brain’s mental image seems to be coming back to over and over.  Not sure why.  One of the things that seems to be triggering me (I hate using that word, but it fits), is when my wife gets a flood of what I view as romantic and/or sexual interest.  I think back to when I first met her in person, and to be honest I was a bit repulsed on a physical level.  At that point in my life though, I was more interested in trying to take another stab at the whole social thing again, as a sort of way to push myself.  That was a strong enough motivation to drive for 4-6 hours every to play D&D anyway.  I was ultimately attracted to the lack of drama, and a certain sense of comfort around her.  At the end of it all, now that I think of it, was despite all the flaws I believed that at her core she was a wonderful person and well worth spending my time with.  Over time, a lot of those flaws got worked away, in part because I pushed her to be better…and to her credit, that usually pushes people away from me.  Months later when I moved to MD, and she followed shortly after, that is when I had to really learn how to live with someone else I was partnered with.

As I think on it now, I’ve always been supporting her.  Financially, emotionally, physically.

Financially, I feel stuck where I’m working at now.  I cannot afford to work for less than I’m making now, which makes it harder to find something local that isn’t part of a LargeCorp…and even those require me to be much more specialized.  On top of that, I’m literally paying for her classes, on the hope that when she finishes in a year, she’ll be able to return on that and be able to make significantly more and bring us to a financial parity.  In addition, I’m supporting her sister with her being at our house.  Even further, I’ve been helping spot my sister when she is on tuition crunches as well.  I got this house because I wanted to have the support options…and I feel that I’m paying even more for it.  That year when she went part time, then unemployed for a large amount of time hurt a lot too (on top of all the death we dealt with).  I’m not sure how I’m sane sometimes.  Of course how could I even tell I am?  Catch-22 and whatnot.  So I’m paying for classes, paying the vast majority of living expenses (that often get wasted in someway)

 

Here is the conclusion I’m coming to.  I feel that I am putting in WAY more effort into our marriage,relationship, and the business of our life.  I am supporting/enabling all of her extra-circular (relationships, hobbies, supporting her family and all the drama they have started bringing in).  I’m doing this by the investment of whatever money I make, and also my time as it heavily comes down to me to just keep up with maintaining our home.  I’m also somehow expected to always be the emotionally stable one, but the support beams of my mind feeling like they’re creaking.  I can’t really focus on me anymore…The most I can do is the soldierfit stuff, and aside from the physical gains, what I really seem to get out of it is when I’m in the most physical pain.  It is only then that I can finally get out of my head.  I guess I used to get that when I could hyper-focus on games, but I don’t have that option either.  I have no man cave to escape to.  There is no escape.  I feel alone in this.

 

I’m angry about being lied to. I’m sad because I have to respond with heavy handed actions.

To Nat,

I can tolerate a lot of dumb mistakes. That is an inherit human trait, and often a useful one as it leads to lots of learning and generally makes us better people.

But lying to me is not ok. You literally lied to my face. I told you how I responded to my brother when he stole from me and lied. I had no problem severing that relationship, and he was blood.

As such, you have proven without a doubt you cannot be trusted. You were fully sober so I can’t even give you the benefit of the doubt due to being drunk.

Starting today you have 1 week (2 weeks if you are serious about therapy, and provide proof that you went) to start showing progress on looking for a new place. I want proof, either electronic or on paper, that you are working towards this. Obviously your word cannot be trusted anymore so hard evidence is required. If I do not see any evidence, I will begin talking with a lawyer and begin the formal eviction process. I will not allow our giving nature to be taken advantage of anymore.

We will work with you on improving your credit via review in order to eliminate what handicaps we can.

This is going to be more of a reference setup for me later. Planning to talk with the wife and re-calibrate on our goals, and how to continue being healthy human beings.  I’m also going to edit this as more relevant ideas come to mind.

• What makes a positive relationship?
• Confirm that it is always ok to walk away. This should be obvious, but clearly for A in regards to J it is not. Sometimes hyper intelligence with a big serving of compassion can actually be a liability. I don’t like the idea of either of us being at risk because she is feeling responsible for a legit psycho. Maybe I can defend myself if things ever became physical, but if it escalates even further to knives or guns, then it game over. Nothing I’m seeing here justifies that risk. I will say she is right in that things need to slow down. Limerence is hella powerful.
• A discussion my wife and I have had several times is the need to be around people with qualities we want to develop. In that regard I think Kat is good for my wife. I respect people that work towards goals. I also really respect that she reached out and made the effort to connect with my wife’s meta (me)and family. She shows an incredible level of respect and caution. I would like to encourage the development of that relationship.
• With A, it seems her primary want is sexy times with a particular bend on a certain kinky angle. Nothing wrong with that. I’m not sure if that is really what I want. It’s fun yes, but how will that make me a better person to those close to me? Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way.
• She seems to be bringing up L and my wife more frequently. I get the poly thing and that should be ok if it is a relationship that betters my wife…but right now I’m not seeing any evidence to suggest that. I’m concerned that the idea is being pushed, almost forced in a way. For now, it is a contest between ideal ethics, practicalty, safety, emotional growth and stability.
• Update on what we’re looking for in these new relationships.  Are those things that we are missing from our primary relationship?  I think at the core of all of this, I’m looking for a best friend who can be a good mirror on my life’s direction.  Also, I’m looking for more intimacy.  When I say this, I do not necessarily mean sex.  Sex happens to be a way to trigger the trust that is necessary for me to feel comfortable in exposing the inner workings of my mind to another person…but it is not the only way.  Now that I think of it, maybe that is why I’m feeling a bit weird with A?  With everything that is going on, I’m still feeling a need to keep my guard up.
• I’m concerned about the sexual risks here.  I need to establish how many partners are involved in this web.  If more people keep getting piled in, I’m not ok with that for myself.  It introduces more risk than I am ok with.  If we add male partners we increase the pregnancy risk.  If we add male partners that are active with other male partners, the STD risk also goes up as well.
• What was my understanding of my wife’s goals regarding relationships?  This next discussion needs to involve writing.
  • She wanted an emotional connection.  She seemed to have an emphasis on women.  As she put it, “I want a best friend that I can make out with sometimes”.
  • She has brought up multiple times that she used to use sex as a form of validation.  It did not sound like something she was proud of.  Has this changed?
• External validation vs internal validation.  Which is more important?  Which will lead to a more fulfilling life?  This is why I take issue with using other people’s interest in either of our qualities as a measure of our selves.  It does not last.  It leads to compromises in integrity chasing that validation high.  Now that I’m thinking on this, is this why A does what she does?  She’s been sick a long time.  She has a high level of education, and yet clearly life is not where they want it to be at.  They’re older than us, yet renting out a house with a single income.  Life is not working at all in the direction you think it would for such intelligent people.  I know when I used to identify myself through my intelligence, and then had that identity shattered, it took me a long time to recover.  I remember trying to recover that via an intense foray into competitive MMO gaming.  I remember when that got taken away from me too, and being very angry for awhile.  It was only when I started studying and then becoming successful professionally that my identity started to stabilize.  I did still have trouble identifying what sort of man I wanted to be.  It wasn’t until well into my relationship with my wife that I truly started to get a handle on who I needed to be.  It was one thing to become independent.  It was a whole new ball game once people important to me came to rely on me.  This is what gives me strength to start making the hard calls.  Not for my benefit, but for who I love.  I’m always trying to think 2 steps ahead.  It may not always be popular, but damn it I do care.
• What does she feel when I’m with someone else?  How does it differ on the different levels of a relationship?  What is the most threatening?
• Emotionally speaking, the imagery of another male with my wife makes me feel physically ill.  Especially if there is any sort of dominance factor.  I realize a lot of this comes from my past encounters.  Is it ethically fair in terms of what has happened so far?  Obviously no.  But the emotions are there, and powerful, and nasty.  I cannot simply logic them away.  If a boundary is crossed without adequate preparation, there may be a very serious long term consequence to our marriage.  And finances.  And overall happiness.  Is what we’re doing/looking at now worth that risk?
• Need to review some of the questions in that book in light of how things have changed now.  An important question, off the top of my head, is the mirrors question.  I still don’t have a true safe mirror to look at my life.  Mel is trying to get there, which I appreciate, but it still isn’t completely un-biased.  What does my wife have for a mirror?  I would guess her best friend.
• This is a bit less of a discussion point and more of a confirmation that more time needs to be spent being together.  I enjoyed being able to do the SF thing together, even if we weren’t directly interfacing like say in the traditional date format.  Being in each other’s space while working towards common goals means a lot to me.  Yes I know the time is inconvenient.  This is one of the reasons why I want to work closer to home, but with our finances as they are right now there are very few options that will allow me to just work closer to home on a regular basis.
• Maybe I know why I’ve been listening to Undertale music non-stop.  There is a question I never ask, that should be asked more often.  What are your hopes and dreams?  I need to ask this of everyone I let close or even think of letting close to me.  Repeatedly.  The answer changes.
• Frankly, I think I’m also scared at this point.  Full swap is not something that was ever identified as an interesting, whether as recreational or emotional.
• I am feeling very uncomfortable with the way things are being pushed forward now.  In the end, this may be my own fault I realize.  I choose to message people.