I’m trying a new thing after a realization last night. Short of it is that after I saw Sara briefly after my SF session, and I wanted to be friendly and say hi. Besides her being unfairly cute (not necessarily in the sexy way), I appreciated her physical fitness and have been wanting to make more friends with people who care about their bodies. Anyhow…that voice interrupted in my head before I could say anything and made me believe that she (and anyone for that matter) would instantly dislike any attention from me specifically. So I did that “I got other stuff to do” routine and bailed.
As I walked, I started to think on why I think that way? Why is my gut reaction that no one wants to hear from me? Why can’t I flip that around and approach it from the angle that people actually want to hear from me? How can I fix the spectrum of my self-esteem to be on the positive rather than negative?
Sometime that same day, I was idly putzing around on OKC and noticed a new person on my list (because I haven’t been active in messaging or likes/dislikes, my list is normally static). Reading the profile, she seemed like someone I could have stimulating conversation with, and she was just interested in friends and did not care for hookups… which at this stage I really appreciate. The other thing I caught on to was the lack of overt negativity.
I thought more about that as I looked at other profiles and noted how many start by complaining about the kind of people they don’t like.
So I started thinking I should start positive and note my good traits. That, of course, is where I ran into problems. I don’t know how to write about myself in the positive all too well. And so, I’ll be creating a sticky post listing those traits, and positive things people have said about me. I’m going to pull a Pokemon and collect them all!
Maybe I can smother that darkness by overwhelming it with contradictory information. I’m sort of seeing the climax scene in “Flight of Dragons” with the bad guy being beat by math and logic.
I started the new year with a 2 hour soldierfit session. It reminded me that I need rash guards… because 2 hours of sweating the way I do plus running in the cold = OUCH MY NIPS
I am going to revise this post a few times then pin it when I have sorted out my new goals. First I need to acknowledge what I did accomplish last year, and what I learned. That will help inform the stepping stone goals I need to set in order to get to the bigger goals. For example, I was able to get to 15 clean pushups last year, starting at none at the start of the year. I still want to get to 50. So I figure 30 by April should be an ok goal. I’ll aim to up my Max by 1-2 a week. I just need to put this stuff in bullet form.
I’m also planning to get back into martial arts this year (ikca Kenpo). This means I won’t have much in the way of evenings open. I want to achieve new heights with my body… figuratively and literally. That means dedicating myself to my fitness goals now.
That’ll also mean less time for gaming. I’m giving up on twitch. I don’t need to sacrifice my time and health to find an audience. I think I am beyond needing gaming for a short term dopamine rush. I’m just in it for the stories now.
On the relationship stuff, I’m not sure if I’ll give poly another shot. I effectively have a green light from my wife, but I’m still anxious that taking that route will end up putting me in another tic for tac trap. The one thing I do want though is a partner who is also focused on progressing on fitness and has a grit similar to mine. Nothing romantic is needed there.
On work… I’m not sure what I want there. I’ll think more on this.
Doing this in reverse based on memory
Talked about my ability to dig in deep for extra reserves (fitness, but also life)
Being able to define baselines on health with my wife. Impact on me, her. Being able to incorporate shared physical activity (maybe dancing) to give reason
What does she need from me?
What happens if I go completely hands off?
Will discuss progress on my goals next time
Discussed how companionship improved
Financial backgrounds differences impact life outlooks
Ethnic backgrounds effect on how we handle money
Differences in priorities.
Career…will look for new in Feb
Financial stability.. appropriate salary…pto
CC debt free by end of 2019
Clear CC debt
Save for roof, driveway
We talked a bit about my concerns from yesterday. I’m not sure if any solution came out of it. I think at best a Luke warm non-committal to maybe do a 1 day a week sf session from my wife.
I guess I’m being asked to be what feels like eternally patient. I feel like shutting down and not bothering to try to help her anymore with the health stuff.
I think I feel sad.
Things have been calm overall. I definitely had enough of my social fill on Thursday through Saturday. I also had my most successful twitch to date… unexpected too.
Things have been stable between my wife and I. I went to a work dinner for her job Thursday night. Friday night we went to a soldierfit ugly sweater party at the Rockville ale House. Saturday night we went to the limerick pub to watch the misbehaving maidens performance. Sunday we had personal training. I spent a good chunk of the day on chores.
It was interesting how Friday she wasn’t quite in her element socializing like normal. This was a function of her not regularly going to class. Also it was very crowded and loud.
Saturday felt a bit awkward with that “hole in the wall” feeling the bar gave. Overall it was a fun performance to watch. I also got some dice out of it.
Every so often I’ll think about the poly experience. I did enjoy being able to feel attractive in a hard to deny way. I got to be physical in a different and more intense way. But some of the costs were too much.
We can’t avoid pain but we don’t have to suffer.
We talked about my ability to reframe a negative experience into a net positive one. Useful skill.
Example, my “failed” poly relationship led to me writing down what I consider positive and negative traits to look for in potential friends and partners.
This morning I felt some anger. Partially at myself for forgetting to take off the dog’s diaper before he went outside. I put on a new one when he got back in, fed him, and shortly thereafter he peed in it again while in the house. That was the last one we had so now I an going to worry until we get the reusable ones.
I also had less sleep because my wife set her alarm extra early, even though she went to bed later than me. I was starting to consistently get 7 hours of sleep until today. She’s been having issues going to bed on time, in part due to staying up playing games. Either destiny 2 or overwatch. I don’t blame the games, let’s be clear. If it wasn’t those games, it would be a phone game. If that wasn’t an option, it would be social media.
There will always be something. These are all avoidance tactics. She doesn’t want to face the uncomfortable things like all the school work she has put off, or working out, or any number of things that take more work and have a perceived risk of failure. I get it. Sometimes at work I’ll hit a tough issue or just feel tired, and find myself ducking out to scroll through FB or Reddit. I’m getting better at catching myself. Ultimately I’m better at disciplining myself. I’m not always successful, but that doesn’t mean I quit trying.
Depression sucks. I’ll face it now and then. The vast majority of the time it happens, it is because something is going wrong in my life. The last episode was because of the drama my sis in law brought to my home, making it not safe.
My wife is blaming it on the iud she had installed. It is possible that can contribute, but I don’t think that means she should just throw up her hands and give in. That demon needs to be fought. I know it well.
I’m helping for now by working to take away her distractions. This requires me to “be hard” as my father once viewed as a positive trait in my sister’s ex. I’m starting with helping her fix her sleep schedule by restrictioning internet access on her desktop computer after 10. I can’t rely on that sort of tactic forever though. She needs to build her discipline. I won’t always be there.