anxiety

10.9.23 struggling today

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Honestly, I’ve been struggling for a little while now, but it just feels more acute today. At the core of it all is the belief that I’m just not my best self.

The challenges I face, some of which i know are common for a lot of people today.

My physical health is not where I want it. I have been there before and then somehow I lost it. I know the changing then loss of a pt was partly the cause. The changing of the environment at home was another major factor

My finances are not doing well. I took out a debt consolidation loan early this year to clear out my cc debt and now I’m nearly back where i started 6 months later. This is not sustainable. There were house emergencies that played a big role true, but those will always be a problem with home ownership. I should be able to have a good enough overall net income to save for these inevitable events…but I don’t. Even if my wife made more and was able to contribute an equal amount, I don’t think we’d make enough. I need to force the financial review asap. Comparing a mortgage cost to rent is not enough. The comparison does not account for those maintenance costs. I’m not sure how to get ahead. And with N possibly moving in soon with her cats, an apartment setup can’t work…we could never get away with 5 cats. While N is still here I should chat and present our financial challenge in the future, at least so they are clear on what they might be coming into.

Relationship-wise, I’m definitely feeling the loneliness…the incompleteness. Trying to put effort into poly dating right now feels pointless. How can I give live if I have trouble loving myself? I know my health and financial security are big parts of that. I don’t ever expect to become jacked (though that would be nice to experience once) and I know I’ll never be rich…but I’d like to know that I can focus on building savings rather than struggling just to get cc debt down. There was a time before the house that I wasn’t struggling just to keep up. I weathered several storms as a result. I’d like to get back there. I’m just not sure how yet.

Something I’m seriously considering doing is pausing my dnd games. At least for a few months. I can’t provide a good experience if I’m so worried about the near future. I need to put that time into righting the ship, as it were.

Asidd from the gym stuff, I need to put focus on cutting costs and selling off things we don’t use. A big thing is to kill the storage unit, which is costing us way too much now. I also think i should get back into dance as a supplement to my gym and boxing stuff. I know I’m happiest when I keep moving.

It’s kinda like playing a pvp game against my depression. I have to keep moving, or it will get me.

5-24-23 Survive

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Before I get into my rant, some good news for me. I switched back to intermittent fasting + high protein/low-moderate carb diet at ~1500-1600 calories and a goal of 170-190g protein. I’m also focused on getting about ~15k steps a day along with my mix of bootcamp, boxing, and strength training sessions. I do seem to be making progress. I just want to say “fuck off” to those completely reliant on calculators. The 2100 calories was not working for me for weight loss. It might be a fine maintenance calorie intake at my normal activity level and might be a thing to do when I switch to a heavy strength training focus instead, but that is not my goal right now. I want to say those 2 months on the “Shed” program were wasted…but in a way they weren’t. It told me that I can’t rely on god damn groupthink. I’ve been doing this for a while and monitoring how my body reacts to different diet/workout combinations. I have to have faith in myself.

On to the rant. I’m in a no bullshit kind of mood today. I’m surrounded by a lot of “neurospicy” folks that almost constantly seem to be posting something that supports their “oh woe is me, I have this condition and it makes everything so much harder!”. I’m done with that. Your friends on X social media might jump in to agree with you, but the world does not fucking care. I grew up in a chaotic poor household. I lost my mom when I was 18. I have no innate physical talents. I have more than my fair share of social anxiety. I had all the fucking excuses in the world to be a useless stick in the mud growing up. What would that have gotten me had social media been a thing back then? I’d either be homeless or in another chaotic household as I found a way to just survive. Or maybe I’d be dead more likely the way my body was going back then. Probably at my own hand come to think of it. This is fucked up to say, but maybe depression’s result of suicide is a weird sort of mercy. If you stop trying, the brain doesn’t want to suffer needlessly anymore and so it finds a way out for no other solutions are possible. I’m either too stubborn or maybe too much of an iconoclast to want to give in now.

You gotta fight every fucking day to make it anywhere. And it’s better that way is my thinking now.

5-8-23 fitness journey

Posted on by lionwolfbird

It’s been what, a month since my last update? My mind is still a little bogged down with the breakup. It might be in part my anxiety around the possibility of having to confront them later come ren faire season. While I know they didn’t super care about my fitness level, it still matters to me and it serves as a sort of bulwark against the mental anguish. It isn’t so much just the aethestics but rather how I’m able to take this goal many people struggle with and accomplish something. To show that no matter what bs gets thrown my way, I find a way perserve and get better than I ever was before.

Right now I’m doing that shed program. It’s been a little over a month and I am not impressed. I’m taking what little bit of knowledge I’ve gained from it and going back to my own thing. Upping my calories to 2100 just showed me what my maintenance is. I have a deadline to meet. The guy running it seems to be focused more on body count than quality. I get he has a business to run, but I don’t have to settle for a shitty product in return. I’m going to drop my calories to about 1800 with a focus on high protein. And put more time into the kickboxing classes I’ve started on.

2.12.23 diet journal + RANDOM ENCOUNTER

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Friday night didn’t go as well as I hoped, though it could have also been much worse. I’m not going to put the log for that day down since I ate out afterwards and had no real way to track my main meal plus the apps I nommed on as well. I did at least try to go low carb as possible. I had a steak salad and some chicken wings. I also ate a bit of my partner’s fries and my wife’s onion rings. Though to try to be a bit more compassion to myself, I had just gotten through an intense moment. Just earlier in the evening I had to call 911 and mentally prepare myself to fight off a pack of teens.

I should probably rewind a little.

After the improv event, we (my wife, my partner, and an old roommate) decided to drive to a nearby restaurant (Note to self: try to anticipate eat out events and eat significantly less during the day to compensate). We were driving through a nice seeming neighborhood with a bunch of townhomes everywhere and even a little lake called “Inspiration Lake”. There were literal white picket fences everywhere, which also makes me think the HOA in the area must rule with an ironfist.

As we turned a corner, we saw this group of about 10 or so caucasian teens in what seemed like some sort of melee. There was a teen girl on the floor. I wasn’t able to register much more than that before my partner with big Gryffindor energy jumped out of the car to intervene. They told me to call 911 right now. I could feel my usual fine motor controls starting to slip away as the adrenaline in my body started to build. I also realized that I never had to call 911 for a real emergency before. I had only ever done test calls when setting up phone systems for work. I clumsily tapped through the phone interface and dialed 911. As the call started to go out, I looked up and saw my partner right inside the pack. I could hear what I assumed to be the lead male teen apologizing. The pack started to separate and walk down the alleyway and around the corner. My partner followed them as the teen continued to apologize. Alarm bells in my head started going off as I realized I was potentially going to lose line of sight on all the people. So I got out of the car, phone making a weird screeching sound in my ear, and followed. Since I was so focused on the call, I had not gotten a good look at the body language of all the people involved and so I couldn’t tell what the odds of violence were…but I was very worried. I felt my body bracing.

Normally when it comes to fight or flight responses, my go to is Freeze, then Flight when possible. That functioned well enough in my solo life. But now I found myself in a situation when someone I loved was at potential risk. That is a *much* different feeling. I suppose this is where my Slytherin kicks in. Left to my own devices, I would have honestly not gotten involved. I have a ton of traumas around groups of people, which is where the flight response has been so handy. But my loyalty to the people I care about the most overrides everything else.

While it isn’t the same case, I feel I can better understand parents when it comes to their children being at risk (at least in that direct obvious to see way). This reminded me that I really do need to get back into functional martial arts training. Especially if I do end up having a kid. While I might be able to talk my way out of a situation and have a strong enough danger sense to avoid situations that involve violence, the ones I care about might not.

Back to the stats.

9.15.22 feeling frustrated

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’ve only been back at work for a couple of days and I feel like everything is annoying the hell out of me. I’m not sure how much the lapse in my anti-anxiety meds are contrinuting to this feeling. Work issues aside, I’m also dealing with technical issues at home that are screwing with me foundyvtt dnd setup. Some of it is my fault for doing that update so close to a game. Next time I’ll schedule updates on my calendar. And now the volume knob on my vulcan keyboard is jacked and it seems to be constantly dialing down my volume to 0. And my car was super low on gas today. And my sis is getting ready to put down her dog next week. The universe does not feel like my friend today.

5.10.22 How bad do I want this?

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This thought is latching to my brain today. It was triggered while browsing through FL. I was considering maybe looking at attending various local events, and came across my ex’s profile as a possible attendee. It brought back some painful memories. I’ll flat out say it, this person was a narcissist. They did a lot of emotional damage. The highs (or love bombs) were not worth the crippling lows. I went no contact a long while ago to protect myself. Now I’m afraid that my odds of running back into this person in the real world are more likely, especially if I try to attend any local events. I really don’t like confrontation. Meanwhile, this person *loved* to start arguments as a way to test people. That’s a massive waste of energy IMO. Now I could try to excuse this person based on the traumatic past they’ve had, but that isn’t okay. They were toxic. That experience is a poignant reminder for me that even as a polyamorous person, it is not worth pursuing toxic relationships, regardless of all of their other qualities. The damage to my psyche, and those around me as I stew in depression, is not worth it.

So back to this thought. It came up while I trained at the gym this morning. Working out is important to me as a mood regulator. I did not train at all last week due to being out for a wedding. Sure enough, come sunday I felt a melancholy just wash over me. Yes my social anxiety cup had runneth over, but also my bulwark was decayed. Then I remembered how I felt last year as I saw progress photos from last year. I was starting to like how I looked, for the first time ever in my life. It gave me an extra bit of confidence that I never knew could exist. I could actually see myself dressing in nice things that weren’t just ren fair garb.

And so as I struggle with trying to keep a fitness routine going I have this concern of confrontation in my head. I know the universe loves to fuck with me, and so at some point it’ll happen even with avoiding those events. I feel that I need to get my body back to where I was early last year. Rebuilding that confidence in myself is to serve as that shield for my mind when I fully expect this person will try to tear me down and/or emotionally manipulate me into doing that myself. I know the mechanical things that I have to do. It comes down to gritting my teeth and getting it done…and not injuring myself in the process.

I need to get up earlier during the week. The Tuesday/Thursday morning strength training is nice…but I can do more. If I’m making slow incremental process through this “part time” training schedule I’m on now (keeping my nutrition in check of course), then I can just imagine my progress should I commit. If I want to be ready to handle those barbs, then I need to commit to this phase of training. No one else is going to be be able to help me with this.

Okay, I feel a bit better putting this out into the ether. I know what I need to do.

12.5.21 giving a voice to that self-hating demon

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I wonder if giving voice to the self loathing I’m feeling now might help. I know that depression is, for the most part, lies I feed to myself. But isn’t there some sort of core truth to it as well? A need that hasn’t been met. Boundaries that routinely get smashed. I’m not sure I’m lovable.

It started kicking in this morning. This is one of those thought based spirals I think. Though last night’s wife smooching on her partner (at least I think that is what I heard) may have kicked it off. I felt unwanted; unneeded. I guess I acquired a new abandonment trauma after my last partner left me due to me not being the right gender anymore. Maybe that was a lie too, who knows. I’ve had so many people lie to me, it gets hard to trust.

god forbid I have any emotions. That’s the impression I got from my wife and her partner’s bitching. It seems like my worth to her is entirely transactionale. That is to say, it is relevant to how I support her emotionally (and monetarily). Who I am, my quirks and faults, are undesirable. I wasn’t ok with being completely ignored and steam rolled several times in that group conversation? Well, then that only mattered because my talking about my experience made her feel bad about her actions. How I felt about it was completely unimportant, and probably irrational. In contrast, I had a friend there that was able to remind me that she likes me just the way I am. The implication I came away with, after a couple days, was that perhaps my wife and partner don’t like the fact that I’m not loudly gregarious. I’m better to her when I’m not present. Maybe this is why I’m struggling with those “I’m better off dead” thoughts right now. Just add in everything else that has happened and maybe it makes sense my mind would take that track. I don’t have anyone I feel I can talk to openly about my experience without it being about them. Yes a therapist would be nice but it is so fucking hard to find an affordable one that covers the topics I deal with. And I guess I’m also a bit worried, based on the last therapist I was with, that they might provide me even more reasoning to get out of the situation I’m in now.

I know social media is a toxic thing to look at. But I see several couples out there, even LTR couples that should be outside of the NRE phase, and I notice how they are still able to publically celebrate each other. They have a couple identity. I know the meme/joke about “couple goals” but there really is something reassuring when someone can be public about what “you” mean to them. I think that is part of the reason I’ve appreciated the thing I’ve had with that other “kat” online for over a decade now. She’s alkways reminded me of my unique value and that special name reservation. It’s not about the power dynamic. I’ve never really cared for that or being superior/over anyone. I just want to matter.

This is enough for now.

10-29-21 melancholy

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’m feeling that creeping sadness today and the past couple days. not sure why exactly. maybe those demons of abandonment. that feeling of being unwanted, and so I retreat inside. I’ve also not worked out this week for a number of reasons…my mind always goes to shit if I’m not moving. gonna go workout now. I guess it’s part of my internal comforting since I can’t find it with people. gogo dismissive/avoidant attachment styles…