Selfcare

11.3.22 How Hungry are You?

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This is the mantra that is repeating in my head right now.

Many years ago I had a palm reading done. While I don’t believe in any of the mysticism associated with that, tarot card reading, and general psychic mumbo jumbo, the prompts do offer a chance to reflect. Maybe not in the present, but it does come back around. One of the main things that stuck with me was the reader’s comment on how I have the ability to change my program, unlike a lot of people.

I had a bit of a spat with my wife last night over her fears of failure, adhd, and her dependence on external validation. I got a bit rankled towards the end when she accused me of not listening (maybe it was the format in which it was delivered that got to me, “You aren’t listening” vs “I’m not feeling heard”). I was also annoyed by her loop of heavy gaming on diablo/overwatch, which I admit is a bit ironic considering my heavy gaming when I was much younger. I recognize it as an ultimately unhealthy coping mechanism. If she was playing with a regular group of people (social engagement, which was crucial for me getting out of a severe depression when I was a teen), or even jumping between different games for different experiences (new ideas/experiences can spark creativity…input leads to output) that would be a more fulfilling experience. Then she complains about her health and general satisfaction with life when she does nothing to make it better. Just sticks to the same damn loop. I tried to help, but that just backfires. I need to let go and let her figure it out. Or maybe she won’t. I just can’t keep carrying.

I still felt that anger lingering this morning. It was more directed at myself. Something I just remembered now that anger isn’t always bad. It can be hard to think that. I still have a traumatic memory of feeling frustrated with my mom when she was dying and experiencing dementia from the stroke/cancer combo. She kept calling for her brothers, one of which was dead (shot in the head). I had to keep reminding her they weren’t here. One day the frustration slipped into my voice. She had one of those semi lucid moments in which she pleaded with me to not be angry. It broke my heart then. It still hurts now to think of it, 22 years later.

But anger is the body’s way of telling you something is wrong and needs changing. My body is not where it needs to be. Which is probably partially why I’m experiencing this foot pain on the ball of my foot whenever I’m doing lunges. The podiatrist diagnosed it as a bone spur and had me put into special sole inserts to help correct the orientation of my foot. The thing is I’m not super convinced it is helping. The doc wasn’t familiar with Bulgarian split squats (and he’s on the larger size) which is leaving me a little less confident. Also it doesn’t help that my insurance didn’t pay for these rather expensive inserts. And they squeak like clown shoes.

Anyway. Back to my anger. I’m using that anger to keep on my 5:30 am bootcamp workouts. I’ve always been the most successful with these. It just gets really hard to that and be involved in social stuff. I just need stronger boundaries and more rigidness. I have a hard cut off at 9pm. That’s it. Once I get gym access at the office, I’ll be doing that after work. The at home stuff isn’t working with the constant crap that stacks up front.

I also want to be at home less. I’m getting stressed out with my wife’s issues. I don’t want to be around for it. I still have those writing aspirations and it is just not going to happen at home. So to that effect, for the nights I don’t have a game to DM, I’m going to find a place outside and bring my laptop and work on my writing. I’ll leave my wife the option to come along with and use the time to do something that’ll make her feel long term productive, but I am not waiting for her. She had a choice. Stay home in the same fucking loop or take a risk on failure and do something more. Once upon a time she was inspired by what I did and used that energy to better herself. Now she mopes. I’m going to send out those letters for her therapist hunt and let that person talk to her. From then on, she can choose to do something or not.

Meanwhile, I’m hungry to do more with my life. I’m thankful my main job takes care of me and respects my time. But I still have that dream to publish some books. It isn’t going to happen without change. Change is uncomfortable. But I can look at the long game. I want to lean out again. I was there, and I could actually look at myself for a bit and not cringe. That’s more important than eating crap food or looping through the same old games that can’t even present a good story.

I’m loading a new program. I hope whoever reads this can do the same.

And finally, a song to go with this. I’ve been looping this as well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwywLJAVj2E&ab_channel=Halocene

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7.28.22 how do I know what I think…

Posted on by lionwolfbird

The other day while burning some distraction cycles on one of those dating app (if you’re new here, hi I’m polyamorous) and i ran across a profile with a group photo that included an ex. There were feelings as you can imagine. And so to enact one of my favorite quotes, I write to see what I say.

I don’t feel hate. But I still feel swells of anger when she surfaces onto my consciousness. While I can understand how her behavior came from a past that included trauma and dealing with narcissistic personalities, it does not excuse it. I did not have to tolerate unexpected verbal lashings, shaming, gas lighting, and attempt reinforcement of toxic masculinity traits (e.g. “I should be able to have my temper tantrums without it effecting you ” and questioning whether I was “dom enough” because I could feel sad).

I allowed myself to feel the kind of emotion I hadn’t felt since I was a teenager. It was a kind of love. Not the secure trusting love I find myself in now, but the burning passion type instead. The kind that led to me having an overwhelming need to vent those emotions in form of prose and poem when a physical outlet was not possibe. I understood romantic poets a lot more during that time. I made honest mistakes since I wasn’t at my clearest mentally. Instead of making them moments to learn from, they became arrows of shame to be shot at me, again and again. I became vulnerable to her and it fully taken advantage of to cause maximum harm. That is why I became so focused on building my boundaries afterwards.

As I’ve often done in the past, I channel those potentially more damaging emotions into more useful activities. When I feel the anger and shame well up, I redirect them into my fitness efforts. I guess in a fucked up way I can thank her for reinforcing that aspect of myself.

When I had my first major success in weight loss (80 lbs in a year), I had this thought implanted in my mind by a coworkers back when I interned at an airport. “Your mind is only as strong as your body”. That idea has been my solace when I encounter hard times. That same idea is playing out when she enters my mind. I recognize it. I wasn’t weak but my past traumas were exploited. My fitness journey includes reinforcing my psyche. Because I know how the universe works. Despite my cutting her out of my life for my own safety, I know that someday I’ll run into her again. I need to be as sure about myself as I can be.

I won’t allow her to find anymore chinks in the armor I create for myself. I have people in my life who love me and celebrate me for who I am, flaws and all.

5.10.22 How bad do I want this?

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This thought is latching to my brain today. It was triggered while browsing through FL. I was considering maybe looking at attending various local events, and came across my ex’s profile as a possible attendee. It brought back some painful memories. I’ll flat out say it, this person was a narcissist. They did a lot of emotional damage. The highs (or love bombs) were not worth the crippling lows. I went no contact a long while ago to protect myself. Now I’m afraid that my odds of running back into this person in the real world are more likely, especially if I try to attend any local events. I really don’t like confrontation. Meanwhile, this person *loved* to start arguments as a way to test people. That’s a massive waste of energy IMO. Now I could try to excuse this person based on the traumatic past they’ve had, but that isn’t okay. They were toxic. That experience is a poignant reminder for me that even as a polyamorous person, it is not worth pursuing toxic relationships, regardless of all of their other qualities. The damage to my psyche, and those around me as I stew in depression, is not worth it.

So back to this thought. It came up while I trained at the gym this morning. Working out is important to me as a mood regulator. I did not train at all last week due to being out for a wedding. Sure enough, come sunday I felt a melancholy just wash over me. Yes my social anxiety cup had runneth over, but also my bulwark was decayed. Then I remembered how I felt last year as I saw progress photos from last year. I was starting to like how I looked, for the first time ever in my life. It gave me an extra bit of confidence that I never knew could exist. I could actually see myself dressing in nice things that weren’t just ren fair garb.

And so as I struggle with trying to keep a fitness routine going I have this concern of confrontation in my head. I know the universe loves to fuck with me, and so at some point it’ll happen even with avoiding those events. I feel that I need to get my body back to where I was early last year. Rebuilding that confidence in myself is to serve as that shield for my mind when I fully expect this person will try to tear me down and/or emotionally manipulate me into doing that myself. I know the mechanical things that I have to do. It comes down to gritting my teeth and getting it done…and not injuring myself in the process.

I need to get up earlier during the week. The Tuesday/Thursday morning strength training is nice…but I can do more. If I’m making slow incremental process through this “part time” training schedule I’m on now (keeping my nutrition in check of course), then I can just imagine my progress should I commit. If I want to be ready to handle those barbs, then I need to commit to this phase of training. No one else is going to be be able to help me with this.

Okay, I feel a bit better putting this out into the ether. I know what I need to do.