12-10-18 Emotional stuff

Things have been calm overall. I definitely had enough of my social fill on Thursday through Saturday. I also had my most successful twitch to date… unexpected too.

Things have been stable between my wife and I. I went to a work dinner for her job Thursday night. Friday night we went to a soldierfit ugly sweater party at the Rockville ale House. Saturday night we went to the limerick pub to watch the misbehaving maidens performance. Sunday we had personal training. I spent a good chunk of the day on chores.

It was interesting how Friday she wasn’t quite in her element socializing like normal. This was a function of her not regularly going to class. Also it was very crowded and loud.

Saturday felt a bit awkward with that “hole in the wall” feeling the bar gave. Overall it was a fun performance to watch. I also got some dice out of it.

Every so often I’ll think about the poly experience. I did enjoy being able to feel attractive in a hard to deny way. I got to be physical in a different and more intense way. But some of the costs were too much.

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11-4-18 back to work

I’m switching back to early morning workouts. Even with trying to stay up later, social stuff isn’t happening. I’m also annoyed that I’m having trouble getting back under 190. I will get back to where I was before Ren faire and getting sick. I don’t have anything better to do now other than continue to work, and exercise. My fitness is my focus now. I’ll look at the social stuff when I’m in the low 170s. I feel alone in this.

This morning’s circuit:

Warmup run

2nd warm-up with 10 squats between each exercise: arm rotations, leg extensions, hip thrust, squat to pushup(1 min), squat jacks

10 min circuit, start 5, increment by 5 until 25, then downwards

Pushup

Situp

Squat

2nd circuit 12 min:

Sprint x5

Kb swing green 10

Trx row 10

10 combat rope slam

High knees through floor ladder, tire

Jumping jacks through ladder

Tire thrust 10

Sledgehammer 20

3rd circuit

Repeat, change tire thrust to tire tapsx30…3 burpees after each session

Final, sprints approx every 30 seconds

Stretches

11-12-18 resolution

So I finally broke things off. Didn’t go the way I expected but that rarely happens anyway. Shortly after my therapist appointment she goes into a meltdown on my wife and I. My wife didn’t handle it All too well. Not too sure I did either, but it did seem any attempt to descalate the situation was met with more attacks. Apparently she blew up on her husband too, so this may have been unavoidable.

Things settled down a bit later after she had a doc appointment that put her on anesthesia. My wife cleaned up their house after getting her sewing stuff.

By Saturday there was 1 more altercation. I was cleaning up the yard of fallen plants at the time. She sort of apologized, then brought up the Spectre of breaking up. I thought on it a bit, then followed through on it.

It was not a happy relationship. Whatever good stuff was there was gone. I feel a little bad about it…but also relieved? Even towards the start the start there were drama moments. I was already in it at the time, but I should really been more wary about the J drama. Even if they weren’t involved at the time, the behavior is a red flag.

There are always at least 2 sides to a story. She painted him as this guy with major emotional regulation issues, but how much of it did she contribute to? Towards the end with us, she used every opportunity to point out something wrong with either of us.

When that is the majority of the relationship, there is no point to it.

So in the future when it comes to starting new relationships, whether poly or not, pay careful attention to how one speaks of their friends, enemies, and lovers. Also be aware if they had a traumatic childhood.

Music, memories, Ori and the blind forest

I’m standing on the metro. I hear “The Blinded Forest” come up. It reminds me of my father’s death every damn time.

I remember sitting in the ICU, watching him waste away with a tube in his chest, connected to a box with “fluids”… blood excreted from the cancer growth that at that point had spread from his upper back, through his lungs, and down to his lower spine. He had a breathing mask over his face that every so often puffed out this white looking smoke. He could no longer talk at that point because it was so hard for him to even breathe. A whisper was like sprinting 200 yards.

I remember the walls of that room having a bit of a slight pink tint. I remember the thigh high cabinets below the windows that faced the bridge that connected Miami to South Beach. I was at Mt. Sinai. The name alone evokes the idea that it was some sort of miracle place. It wasn’t.

I can’t fathom what went through his head at the time. He told my sister he wasn’t afraid. I don’t know if that was a lie for our benefit or not. I hope it was true. My last words to him was “Thank you for being so brave”.

I’m not entirely sure why I felt the need to write this right now. I’m not sure what was the point. But there it is. The moment will pass. So I tell myself.