Doing this in reverse based on memory
Talked about my ability to dig in deep for extra reserves (fitness, but also life)
Being able to define baselines on health with my wife. Impact on me, her. Being able to incorporate shared physical activity (maybe dancing) to give reason
What does she need from me?
What happens if I go completely hands off?
Will discuss progress on my goals next time
Discussed how companionship improved
Financial backgrounds differences impact life outlooks
Ethnic backgrounds effect on how we handle money
Differences in priorities.
Wife’s priorities
Career…will look for new in Feb
School
Financial stability.. appropriate salary…pto
CC debt free by end of 2019
My priorities
Fitness
Clear CC debt
Save for roof, driveway
Maintain career
We talked a bit about my concerns from yesterday. I’m not sure if any solution came out of it. I think at best a Luke warm non-committal to maybe do a 1 day a week sf session from my wife.
I guess I’m being asked to be what feels like eternally patient. I feel like shutting down and not bothering to try to help her anymore with the health stuff.
I think I feel sad.
Things have been calm overall. I definitely had enough of my social fill on Thursday through Saturday. I also had my most successful twitch to date… unexpected too.
Things have been stable between my wife and I. I went to a work dinner for her job Thursday night. Friday night we went to a soldierfit ugly sweater party at the Rockville ale House. Saturday night we went to the limerick pub to watch the misbehaving maidens performance. Sunday we had personal training. I spent a good chunk of the day on chores.
It was interesting how Friday she wasn’t quite in her element socializing like normal. This was a function of her not regularly going to class. Also it was very crowded and loud.
Saturday felt a bit awkward with that “hole in the wall” feeling the bar gave. Overall it was a fun performance to watch. I also got some dice out of it.
Every so often I’ll think about the poly experience. I did enjoy being able to feel attractive in a hard to deny way. I got to be physical in a different and more intense way. But some of the costs were too much.
Nifty phrase
We can’t avoid pain but we don’t have to suffer.
We talked about my ability to reframe a negative experience into a net positive one. Useful skill.
Example, my “failed” poly relationship led to me writing down what I consider positive and negative traits to look for in potential friends and partners.
This morning I felt some anger. Partially at myself for forgetting to take off the dog’s diaper before he went outside. I put on a new one when he got back in, fed him, and shortly thereafter he peed in it again while in the house. That was the last one we had so now I an going to worry until we get the reusable ones.
I also had less sleep because my wife set her alarm extra early, even though she went to bed later than me. I was starting to consistently get 7 hours of sleep until today. She’s been having issues going to bed on time, in part due to staying up playing games. Either destiny 2 or overwatch. I don’t blame the games, let’s be clear. If it wasn’t those games, it would be a phone game. If that wasn’t an option, it would be social media.
There will always be something. These are all avoidance tactics. She doesn’t want to face the uncomfortable things like all the school work she has put off, or working out, or any number of things that take more work and have a perceived risk of failure. I get it. Sometimes at work I’ll hit a tough issue or just feel tired, and find myself ducking out to scroll through FB or Reddit. I’m getting better at catching myself. Ultimately I’m better at disciplining myself. I’m not always successful, but that doesn’t mean I quit trying.
Depression sucks. I’ll face it now and then. The vast majority of the time it happens, it is because something is going wrong in my life. The last episode was because of the drama my sis in law brought to my home, making it not safe.
My wife is blaming it on the iud she had installed. It is possible that can contribute, but I don’t think that means she should just throw up her hands and give in. That demon needs to be fought. I know it well.
I’m helping for now by working to take away her distractions. This requires me to “be hard” as my father once viewed as a positive trait in my sister’s ex. I’m starting with helping her fix her sleep schedule by restrictioning internet access on her desktop computer after 10. I can’t rely on that sort of tactic forever though. She needs to build her discipline. I won’t always be there.
So I finally broke things off. Didn’t go the way I expected but that rarely happens anyway. Shortly after my therapist appointment she goes into a meltdown on my wife and I. My wife didn’t handle it All too well. Not too sure I did either, but it did seem any attempt to descalate the situation was met with more attacks. Apparently she blew up on her husband too, so this may have been unavoidable.
Things settled down a bit later after she had a doc appointment that put her on anesthesia. My wife cleaned up their house after getting her sewing stuff.
By Saturday there was 1 more altercation. I was cleaning up the yard of fallen plants at the time. She sort of apologized, then brought up the Spectre of breaking up. I thought on it a bit, then followed through on it.
It was not a happy relationship. Whatever good stuff was there was gone. I feel a little bad about it…but also relieved? Even towards the start the start there were drama moments. I was already in it at the time, but I should really been more wary about the J drama. Even if they weren’t involved at the time, the behavior is a red flag.
There are always at least 2 sides to a story. She painted him as this guy with major emotional regulation issues, but how much of it did she contribute to? Towards the end with us, she used every opportunity to point out something wrong with either of us.
When that is the majority of the relationship, there is no point to it.
So in the future when it comes to starting new relationships, whether poly or not, pay careful attention to how one speaks of their friends, enemies, and lovers. Also be aware if they had a traumatic childhood.
Talked about the Amber thing at length
Take away is I need to take care of myself. Focus on what I like about myself. I define my positive qualities. I have only get one me.
I can state consequences of actions without trying to control anyone. I.e if a person is going to move away, I wouldn’t be able to sustain a relationship. Doing so does not mean I disapprove of their action. If they view it that way, that is them creating their own meaning.
lionwolfbird 