4-17-19 internal conflict, rage

I’m feeling off today. Part of it may be poor sleep due to my wife being home late. I also don’t feel I’m making good progress on my fitness goals. Work is being a bear with all the extra work. Finances are tight thanks to taxes and unexpected deductibles. For the most part I feel that I’m fighting all of these things on my own. To some degree I’m even being sabotaged by my wife, unintentionally, on some of these things. I show a lot of my love via acts of services…and that has financial implications. It also requires trust on my part in that there will be a long term win for us out of this grind.

But I’ve also seen her betray my trust a number of times. Particularly when I’m in the way of the thing she wants. I guess I need better reassurance or checks in place to make sure I’m not taken advantage of.

Is it

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One more thought to explore later

With my understanding of locus of control, I better realize the depth of the problems I faced last year.  I strongly lean towards an internal locus of control.  The pro of this is that I can be very driven in going after a goal I’m interested in and I take responsibility for my actions readily.  The problem is I also tend to “inflict” responsibility on myself for others’ actions/responses (internalize negative responses).

I also have a bit of a fear of conflict, possibly related to this same issue.  Things got really challenging last year because I found myself in a situation where I had lost control, and the only way I could get it back was via confrontation.  I was afraid of conflict, because a probable negative response would have become internalized as a comment on myself…and so I choose to abstain, which only made the whole situation worse.  I then started approaching the external locus of control, which in the extreme can lead to depression from feeling helpless.

It is no wonder I had such a hard time.  This is why I have to face more situations in which there will be a negative response.  I need to balance out my drive on being responsible for my actions against not taking responsibility for things out of my control.  This will help me with facing conflict, and not beating myself up if things go wrong (and yet somehow still be able to learn what I can better from those interactions).

Being human is tough.

Recognizing and respecting anxiety

So I finished the game Celeste today. Well, not counting the free dlc anyway. It was a beautiful experience and one I’ll write about in more detail later. The main point the game makes is that anxiety and/or depression (insecurity) is an important aspect of yourself that is there for a good reason and shouldn’t be ignored just because it might be getting in the way of the thing you want (or the event you fear coming to pass).

In the game, due to the special properties of the mountain the protagonist is trying to climb, that insecurity gets a body and can communicate the way people do.

Real anxiety can’t talk to you. It has trouble understanding what you are doing. It lives in that primal part of the brain that considers your survival the first priority. Since it can’t talk, it uses your emotion to communicate it senses danger. That emotion translates to physical responses in your body. It varies from person to person just how that manifests.

In my case, one of those responses is feeling my body start to become cold. I remember talking about that before in an emotional intelligence class…

I got cut off while I was working on this post. Part of that whole trying to be social despite my anxiety…and somehow trying to find a way to work with it.

So in addition to that cold sensation, I have started to understand the tension I feel building up in my muscles. Like a coil getting ready to be unleashed. It gets bad when I’m in group situations with a bunch of people I don’t know. I understand better where it comes from. I was picked on and exiled from groups as a kid often. That stuff was traumatizing. That “part of me” is just trying to protect me. It is not an unfounded fear either. People in groups tend to be dicks. I mean just look at the political environment. Tribal political for the lose.

Somehow I need to figure out how to be ok with that anxiety. Maybe I just need to continue to build my self-effiacy in those social scenarios. I need to believe I can survive those situations, and even benefit from them. Small bits of exposure may be the best way. It’ll be slow going, and there will be some bad moments. But I can do this.

2-28-19 therapist

Talked about my wife, health, my fears of her falling into the same end my mother did. Trying to find a balance between my measure of control and how the situation effects me. Locus of control…I tend towards internal locus…heavy on thinking I am responsible for what happens, causes anxiety (the opposite would be no influence, no control which leads to depression… which I definitely experienced last summer with the Natalie situation).

The trick, it seems, is how much do I allow external events or decisions effect how I feel about myself. The answer is not necessarily to be straight in the middle.

Can I just sit back and not care? In light of my health fear? How likely is that situation? Can I more involved elsewhere for that not to matter? Is that even congruent with my values?

Also, I need to take more stock on what positive things my wife has contributed to my life. Moreover, does she feel like she contributes to my overall well being at all? Does anyone? How much of an effect does this have?

2-27-19 pre-therapy thoughts

With the reduction of crisises in my life and a shift to an evening workout schedule, I haven’t been posting as much. In the morning I have the will to write, but all the noteworthy activities tend to happen later…and by then I’m not enough of a place of solace to write (standing at the back of a metro train is effective isolating).

I’m going to try to recall the signficant events since my last session.

Had the one argument (maybe more like frustration venting) with my wife maybe 3 weeks ago now when she tried to get out of a Sunday workout session for a side gig by allowing a reschedule in top of her class time.

Started being active on OKC and poly after talking it over with my wife. Had one date. Or Maybe it was a Meetup? It was a whole afternoon in DC visiting a museum followed by dinner at a restaurant. It seemed to go alright but I’m already getting the feeling it won’t go anywhere as messaging has died down, even with me making another contact attempt.

I am talking with one other person but I don’t see it going anywhere but pen pals. Which is totally fine.

Scheduling has made it difficult to find an improv class my wife and I can both make. While I could do one on my own, the idea was to do it with my wife so she could see me place myself outside of my comfort zone in the interest of self development, and hope that helps her confidence when going to soldierfit. We’re looking at a class on Sunday afternoon starting mid march

I’m looking at getting back into kenpo next Monday afte sifu Joe asked me directly about it. I was going to go this week but I was very sore from the Sunday strength training session and had very bad sleep.

I’ve started 1 on 1 pt sessions. I’ve learned a lot about the nuances of barbell work…with so much more to learn.

1-24-19 solo therapy

Focused on dealing with my inhibitions in social scenarios. Looking into getting more comfortable with the unpredictable. Improv classes would be good practice. Value in the small interactions. Builds towards the bigger interactions. Akwardness is just discomfort from the unknown. Become more familiar with the scenarios via more practice/exposure. Becomes less awkward.

1-15-19 random thoughts

I’m starting to get sick I think. I have that scratchy throat sensation. It started yesterday. So far it hasn’t been as severe as what I experienced late last year (no auto suggestion, you do not always need to follow last with Jedi). It still sucks though as I’m going to have to pull back from my aggressive workout plans until this clears.

I need to figure out something for my throat that doesn’t involve honey. I know the anti-bacterial components are useful…but all that sugar is gonna fuck me up. I picked up the weight I did late last year because I basically ignored my diet, hoping I could recover faster. Not sure if it helped.

Unrelated, I’ve been thinking on the poly stuff again. I’ve been wanting to update my profile and message people again, but I’m afraid it will put me in the same intensely uncomfortable trap I ended up in last yea. Granted there were other variables at home that sabotaged any emotional resilience I had…but even before that I would experience very intense anxiety (fight or flight physical manifestations) anytime my wife brought up realistically possible romantic/sexual with other men. I don’t see how that autonomic response will go away.

Nor should it I suppose? These emotions are there for reasons I was surpressing because I didn’t want to be the unreasonable one. From the perspective of trying to maintain a predictable safe life, adding that component adds a lot more risk and cost than I am capable of taking on right now. Risks include things like STI’s, pregnancy risks, money costs (dating, going out, etc.. especially when NRE hits).

I’m not quite sure where to proceed from here.

Positive traits 2019

These are in no particular order.

  • I have an iron will
  • I’m intelligent
  • I am a Slytherin in that I’m focused, do not let obstacles stop me, and I’m deeply loyal to my close friends.
  • I’m “really good at fucking”
  • 5/5 pornstar rating
  • I have a ton of physical endurance
  • I’m learn from my mistakes
  • I’m a good listener
  • I make people feel safe
  • The “glue” of my family
  • Patient
  • Resourceful
  • I’ve been equated to a swiss army knife
  • I can surprise people with how passionate I can be in face to my usual quiet reserved demeanor
  • Insightful
  • respectful of others’ feelings
  • Soulful eyes
  • Attractive shoulders
  • Looks good in black
  • I am detail oriented
  • I am clever
  • I am good at goal setting
  • I am good at creating evocative imagery through my writing.
  • I’m known as the person who can find answers to almost anything
  • I’m still pretty good at video games
  • I’m a decent shield fighter when larping
  • I have “good battlefield awareness”
  • I have been a professional mentor
  • Open minded
  • Analytical
  • Good planner
  • Self-Driven
  • Independent
  • Has grit
  • Great problem solver
  • Fast reaction speed
  • Persistent*
  • Supportive of those close to me
  • Humble to a fault (I write as I try play up my strengths)
  • I smell nice.
  • I appreciate constructive critism
  • I generally have a positive outlook on life.
  • I workout regularly.
  • I eat healthy by cooking my own meals and prepping food for the week.
  • I enjoy stories that explore the moral grey
  • I love playing D&D
  • I enjoy Ren Faires
  • I don’t care for most sports (but I do enjoy watching UFC fights when the situation presents itself)
  • My chest hair resembles the Batman signal

Positivity 2019

I’m trying a new thing after a realization last night. Short of it is that after I saw Sara briefly after my SF session, and I wanted to be friendly and say hi. Besides her being unfairly cute (not necessarily in the sexy way), I appreciated her physical fitness and have been wanting to make more friends with people who care about their bodies. Anyhow…that voice interrupted in my head before I could say anything and made me believe that she (and anyone for that matter) would instantly dislike any attention from me specifically. So I did that “I got other stuff to do” routine and bailed.

As I walked, I started to think on why I think that way? Why is my gut reaction that no one wants to hear from me? Why can’t I flip that around and approach it from the angle that people actually want to hear from me? How can I fix the spectrum of my self-esteem to be on the positive rather than negative?

Sometime that same day, I was idly putzing around on OKC and noticed a new person on my list (because I haven’t been active in messaging or likes/dislikes, my list is normally static). Reading the profile, she seemed like someone I could have stimulating conversation with, and she was just interested in friends and did not care for hookups… which at this stage I really appreciate. The other thing I caught on to was the lack of overt negativity.

I thought more about that as I looked at other profiles and noted how many start by complaining about the kind of people they don’t like.

So I started thinking I should start positive and note my good traits. That, of course, is where I ran into problems. I don’t know how to write about myself in the positive all too well. And so, I’ll be creating a sticky post listing those traits, and positive things people have said about me. I’m going to pull a Pokemon and collect them all!

Maybe I can smother that darkness by overwhelming it with contradictory information. I’m sort of seeing the climax scene in “Flight of Dragons” with the bad guy being beat by math and logic.

New Years, goal recalibrations

I started the new year with a 2 hour soldierfit session. It reminded me that I need rash guards… because 2 hours of sweating the way I do plus running in the cold = OUCH MY NIPS

I am going to revise this post a few times then pin it when I have sorted out my new goals. First I need to acknowledge what I did accomplish last year, and what I learned. That will help inform the stepping stone goals I need to set in order to get to the bigger goals. For example, I was able to get to 15 clean pushups last year, starting at none at the start of the year. I still want to get to 50. So I figure 30 by April should be an ok goal. I’ll aim to up my Max by 1-2 a week. I just need to put this stuff in bullet form.

I’m also planning to get back into martial arts this year (ikca Kenpo). This means I won’t have much in the way of evenings open. I want to achieve new heights with my body… figuratively and literally. That means dedicating myself to my fitness goals now.

That’ll also mean less time for gaming. I’m giving up on twitch. I don’t need to sacrifice my time and health to find an audience. I think I am beyond needing gaming for a short term dopamine rush. I’m just in it for the stories now.

On the relationship stuff, I’m not sure if I’ll give poly another shot. I effectively have a green light from my wife, but I’m still anxious that taking that route will end up putting me in another tic for tac trap. The one thing I do want though is a partner who is also focused on progressing on fitness and has a grit similar to mine. Nothing romantic is needed there.

On work… I’m not sure what I want there. I’ll think more on this.