2-28-19 therapist

Talked about my wife, health, my fears of her falling into the same end my mother did. Trying to find a balance between my measure of control and how the situation effects me. Locus of control…I tend towards internal locus…heavy on thinking I am responsible for what happens, causes anxiety (the opposite would be no influence, no control which leads to depression… which I definitely experienced last summer with the Natalie situation).

The trick, it seems, is how much do I allow external events or decisions effect how I feel about myself. The answer is not necessarily to be straight in the middle.

Can I just sit back and not care? In light of my health fear? How likely is that situation? Can I more involved elsewhere for that not to matter? Is that even congruent with my values?

Also, I need to take more stock on what positive things my wife has contributed to my life. Moreover, does she feel like she contributes to my overall well being at all? Does anyone? How much of an effect does this have?

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2-27-19 pre-therapy thoughts

With the reduction of crisises in my life and a shift to an evening workout schedule, I haven’t been posting as much. In the morning I have the will to write, but all the noteworthy activities tend to happen later…and by then I’m not enough of a place of solace to write (standing at the back of a metro train is effective isolating).

I’m going to try to recall the signficant events since my last session.

Had the one argument (maybe more like frustration venting) with my wife maybe 3 weeks ago now when she tried to get out of a Sunday workout session for a side gig by allowing a reschedule in top of her class time.

Started being active on OKC and poly after talking it over with my wife. Had one date. Or Maybe it was a Meetup? It was a whole afternoon in DC visiting a museum followed by dinner at a restaurant. It seemed to go alright but I’m already getting the feeling it won’t go anywhere as messaging has died down, even with me making another contact attempt.

I am talking with one other person but I don’t see it going anywhere but pen pals. Which is totally fine.

Scheduling has made it difficult to find an improv class my wife and I can both make. While I could do one on my own, the idea was to do it with my wife so she could see me place myself outside of my comfort zone in the interest of self development, and hope that helps her confidence when going to soldierfit. We’re looking at a class on Sunday afternoon starting mid march

I’m looking at getting back into kenpo next Monday afte sifu Joe asked me directly about it. I was going to go this week but I was very sore from the Sunday strength training session and had very bad sleep.

I’ve started 1 on 1 pt sessions. I’ve learned a lot about the nuances of barbell work…with so much more to learn.

12-15-19 strength training

Writing down what I remember of last session so I can figure out a lighter version to do on my own

  1. 500m row warmups
  2. Bar squat x12
  3. Heavy Weighted bar squat,x8 for 5 sets
  4. Warm-up good mornings x12
  5. Heavy good morning 3set,8 rep
  6. Shoulder shrugs
  7. Hammer curl, bicep curl 12, 5..3 sets
  8. Shoulder press, lat raises
  9. Pushups
  10. Pull-up bar hold, 10 single each leg raise, 5 both leg up
  11. 10 leg raise on bar
  12. Med ball sitting turn press…core tight emphasis
  13. Reverse fly
  14. Chinup pulldown

12-15-19 strength training

Writing down what I remember of last session so I can figure out a lighter version to do on my own

  1. 500m row warmups
  2. Bar squat x12
  3. Heavy Weighted bar squat,x8 for 5 sets
  4. Warm-up good mornings x12
  5. Heavy good morning 3set,8 rep
  6. Shoulder shrugs
  7. Hammer curl, bicep curl 12, 5..3 sets
  8. Shoulder press, lat raises
  9. Pushups
  10. Pull-up bar hold, 10 single each leg raise, 5 both leg up
  11. 10 leg raise on bar
  12. Med ball sitting turn press…core tight emphasis
  13. Reverse fly
  14. Chinup pulldown

1-28-19 workout change

I’ve made the switch to my personal training sessions to be just me instead of the wife and I. There is also much more of a strength training component now. I was already leaned that way, but after trying out a new machine to measure body fat, it became a bit more important. It actually suggested I need more lean mass…not a lot, just .2 lbs, but still good to have some sort of confirmation.

My trainer worked with me on primary barbell exercises, more specifically to calculate my 1 rep max. A lot of that also entailed finding my optimum position for weighted squats and deadlifts.

For my squats, I need a wide stance with toes mostly forward. More importantly, I need a low bar configuration. Trying a high bar with a really heavy weight actually caused me to trip forward. Despite my efforts, I could always feel myself wanting to tip over when doing lighter squats. Now I really see the effect lol. It felt waaaay better with a low bar. This reminds me that now is a good time to review The Supple Leopard. There was a ton of material there on form. Now it will be more relevant. I guess this may mean I have an anterior pelvic tilt issue… which would make sense for a lot of reasons.

For the deadlift, I also need a wide stance. My shins need to align with the first line. My grip in inside, with the inside of my thumb grip where the rough hashes of the bar begin.

The rest was shoulder presses, bench presses, single arm rows (surprised myself that I could get to 45 lbs), and lat pulldowns (145? 150? 1 rm)

What’s supposed to happen next is my trainer will create a 12 week program based on the numbers we got. Now I need to figure out if I add gymside to my membership or see if there is another option.

1-24-19 solo therapy

Focused on dealing with my inhibitions in social scenarios. Looking into getting more comfortable with the unpredictable. Improv classes would be good practice. Value in the small interactions. Builds towards the bigger interactions. Akwardness is just discomfort from the unknown. Become more familiar with the scenarios via more practice/exposure. Becomes less awkward.

1-22-19 workout

Shifted to night workouts in order to drag my wife there. Hard enough to get her to a class, let alone a 5:30 am one. Might work out better though for me. Finally broke 185 this morning, and that is despite eating mission BBQ after class. Anyhoo…

  1. Warm up run with emphasis on core
  2. Planka/Russian twist with kb..partner setup. 20 twists while partner planks. Trade. 6 minutes
  3. Circuit, 10-15 min
  4. Run to combat ropes
  5. 10 rope slams
  6. 5 slam balls
  7. 30 tire toe taps
  8. High knees
  9. Done circuit
  10. Circuit 10 min
  11. 10 kb swings
  12. 20 kb squats
  13. 30 kb lunged
  14. 40 penguins
  15. 50 ice skaters
  16. Bear crawl, 5 pushups each column
  17. New circuit final 10 min
  18. 5 wall toss
  19. 10 squatted tire thrust
  20. Bosu ball 360 jumps
  21. Trx bicep curl by face
  22. 60 rope waves
  23. Stretch

1-20-19 Proxy will?

I’m a bit annoyed today, but not directly at my wife.  More so at the situation.  She had some serious insomnia last night, could not sleep till 5 am.  So she won’t make PT today.  That shit is expensive.

 

But aside from that, I suspect I know why she has sleeping trouble.  The naps, work stress, and total lack of exercise.  I tried taking the “lead by example” approach and hoped she would pick up on the good habits, but that has not happened.  I’m getting more worried about her health.  Maybe I should take the more strong arm approach like I did with her finances?  I may just have to the pull that card, even in face of her work that has her stay late.  Her health is more important to me than a couple hours extra of an already weak paycheck.

1-15-19 random thoughts

I’m starting to get sick I think. I have that scratchy throat sensation. It started yesterday. So far it hasn’t been as severe as what I experienced late last year (no auto suggestion, you do not always need to follow last with Jedi). It still sucks though as I’m going to have to pull back from my aggressive workout plans until this clears.

I need to figure out something for my throat that doesn’t involve honey. I know the anti-bacterial components are useful…but all that sugar is gonna fuck me up. I picked up the weight I did late last year because I basically ignored my diet, hoping I could recover faster. Not sure if it helped.

Unrelated, I’ve been thinking on the poly stuff again. I’ve been wanting to update my profile and message people again, but I’m afraid it will put me in the same intensely uncomfortable trap I ended up in last yea. Granted there were other variables at home that sabotaged any emotional resilience I had…but even before that I would experience very intense anxiety (fight or flight physical manifestations) anytime my wife brought up realistically possible romantic/sexual with other men. I don’t see how that autonomic response will go away.

Nor should it I suppose? These emotions are there for reasons I was surpressing because I didn’t want to be the unreasonable one. From the perspective of trying to maintain a predictable safe life, adding that component adds a lot more risk and cost than I am capable of taking on right now. Risks include things like STI’s, pregnancy risks, money costs (dating, going out, etc.. especially when NRE hits).

I’m not quite sure where to proceed from here.

Positive traits 2019

These are in no particular order.

  • I have an iron will
  • I’m intelligent
  • I am a Slytherin in that I’m focused, do not let obstacles stop me, and I’m deeply loyal to my close friends.
  • I’m “really good at fucking”
  • 5/5 pornstar rating
  • I have a ton of physical endurance
  • I’m learn from my mistakes
  • I’m a good listener
  • I make people feel safe
  • The “glue” of my family
  • Patient
  • Resourceful
  • I’ve been equated to a swiss army knife
  • I can surprise people with how passionate I can be in face to my usual quiet reserved demeanor
  • Insightful
  • respectful of others’ feelings
  • Soulful eyes
  • Attractive shoulders
  • Looks good in black
  • I am detail oriented
  • I am clever
  • I am good at goal setting
  • I am good at creating evocative imagery through my writing.
  • I’m known as the person who can find answers to almost anything
  • I’m still pretty good at video games
  • I’m a decent shield fighter when larping
  • I have “good battlefield awareness”
  • I have been a professional mentor
  • Open minded
  • Analytical
  • Good planner
  • Self-Driven
  • Independent
  • Has grit
  • Great problem solver
  • Fast reaction speed
  • Persistent*
  • Supportive of those close to me
  • Humble to a fault (I write as I try play up my strengths)
  • I smell nice.
  • I appreciate constructive critism
  • I generally have a positive outlook on life.
  • I workout regularly.
  • I eat healthy by cooking my own meals and prepping food for the week.
  • I enjoy stories that explore the moral grey
  • I love playing D&D
  • I enjoy Ren Faires
  • I don’t care for most sports (but I do enjoy watching UFC fights when the situation presents itself)
  • My chest hair resembles the Batman signal