6-18-19 feeling lonely today

I’m not sure where the emotion is coming from. But I feel it in the front of my head. And maybe in my gut too. I also felt frustrated at work and don’t feel that I made much headway. My diet choices weren’t great either. They had those left over mini burrito leftovers today. And I had a bag of probiotic mixed nuts today. My weight was already on the high side this morning. And I slept in and missed my workout this morning. I do plan on going tonight. I’ll skip my normal dinner and just do a post protein drink.

Maybe I really should setup a jar to practice practicing gratitude. I was going to get a bunch of sticky notes to drop in a jar but I haven’t gone out to get them. I’m worried about finances and the impact of that on my marriage. What I should do is just take some of those copy sheets and cut them into strips to write on them put in the jar. I don’t really believe doing this will help but I guess I can try?

I think I’m fearing taking control. I fear conflict with loved ones. But the price of avoiding it may literally be too high.

What happened to that fighter I used to be? I guess it was easier when I could just count on people hating me. That expectation made for good armor.

6-13-19 post therapy

Points brought up

  • Let wife know it is ok to reach out to me on wanting to spend time. Talked about cycle of fear of rejection
  • Focus more on time spending together if that is what brings happiness.
  • I’d like to plan to visit more faires, like Michigan…maybe Sterling one?
  • Wife inviting me to spend time with her is how our relationship started
  • I’m more busy than I give credit for

6-13-19 pre-therapy thoughts

It’s that time of the month where I try to recall the emotional journey I’ve been through this month so I can get the most out of my session later today.  Currently I feel…neutral?  I guess I’ll make some quick bullet points on the things that are more top of mind…slightly better organized that way.

  • Marriage
    • I created “X_discretionary” categories in our combined mint for individual play money in an attempt to help my wife better control her finances.  The akimbo card method isn’t working, mostly due to technical issues.
    • I also created a couple_discretionary budget to account for stuff we do together, i.e. faires
    • Her health has gotten worse in terms of fitness.  She prioritizes work more than her health.  On an emotional level, I feel like that is shit.  This is also why I *hate* the billable hour model.  I don’t feel like she will change on that front.  The most I can do right now is wait out until she is done with school this year, and keep the finances under control.  I suppose the question then is what happens after?  The assumption is that she’ll be working on her business next.  Ideally she’d switch to a company that doesn’t constantly expect her to work late hours and not give holiday pay unless she’s working.  I expect she’ll have the same work obsession, probably even worse, when she does take up her own business.  I don’t feel like her health will ever be a priority.  Which makes me sad, and afraid.  Because I know how that story ends.  It feels like some looming inevitable curse where I know I’m going to be emotionally devastated once her health becomes critical because of her lack of time spent addressing her health.  I’m not capable of just cutting things off, emotionally or practically.  I’m just waiting patiently for the bomb of suck to explode right next to me.  I don’t like it.  I guess I don’t have any hope for things to improve.  Maybe I can ask if there will ever be a time she thinks she’ll dedicate to her health? That’ll probably send her on a shame spiral too.  Can’t win.
  • Finances
    • Considering taking out a CC debt consolidation loan since the plan to pay it off manually failed with the tax situation.
    • There is a bit of an irony that I make more and spend way less than my wife when looking at these discretionary funds now.  Well, maybe more of a dark humor than irony.  The majority of the money goes to food.
  • Fitness
    • The early morning workouts have been consistent.  I haven’t done as much rucking as I had planned.  I ran into some difficulties with it.  It might just be as simple as reducing the weight even more.  I had right hip problems last friday (maybe related to the snapping hip issue, almost felt like it was getting pulled apart on large step downs)
    • I should take up that evaluation from SSR, even though I really don’t want to pay more money right now.
    • I should recognize that I am still making some strength “gainz” despite being hard on myself.  My pushup form has improved so that I am doing them correctly (Started shortcutting earlier until it was pointed out, resolved).  I’m still no where close to being able to output the insane volume some trainers seem to want, but 12 isn’t horrible.
  • Poly
    • Not a whole lot of movement here.  I’ve been struggling lately with thoughts of my last ex.  There were good times, and the sex was really good, but then I looked over the texts/messages before I broke it off and saw all the shit thrown at me and remember why I got out.  I can’t go back, even if it feels like it would be “easy”.
    • I had a date maybe 3 weekends ago?  It went well enough, but I could tell the person had a lot of negativity inside of them, and her mother’s health issues were only going to make it worse.  I did appreciate how direct and quick she was to get to the point, but I could tell it would not have been a happy relationship and likely would of impeded my other health goals.
    • I think it was 2 weeks ago I had a date with J.  From what I can see of FB, it looks like she is starting a relationship with someone else.  Which is fine.  While she was attractive, I never quite felt that intense connection with her like I did with the last couple of poly relationships I did get into.  It makes it easier on me really.
    • I’ve been talking on and off with T via hangouts.  I kind of like that she represents another introverted soul but I’m unclear on what she is looking for romantically speaking.  At some point I’ll have to push for at least 1 in person meeting.  Ideally before faire season, where she expressed interest in hanging out.  A whole day thing might be a bit much without at least 1 earlier in person meeting.
    • I was thinking about my first poly relationship, and how I screwed things up there.  It wasn’t perfect, but it felt really nice to have someone that was actually into me.  My own shame issues made it irrecoverable.
  • Social
    • I had planned to start using tuesdays to invest a little more social energy, and at least hop onto a friend’s twitch channel to support.  That didn’t happen.  Doing anything during the week is difficult with my morning schedule, and I haven’t really formed any workout friends.  I wonder if that is a thing I should push for?
  • Career
    • I think this is stable for the most part.  Work is still tough with the many projects I’m juggling, along with the support and security issues (Which can often seem at ends to each other).  I do feel a bit bad that I haven’t been able to make as much progress as I would like.  Getting RDS to work on Azure has been a pain, and I still have a couple ghost support issues.
  • Goals
    • I’m pretty focused on the fitness aspect now.  Maybe because I put so much of my time into it I’m feeling frustrated that I’m not making more progress.  Progress being wanting to get into the 170s…maybe even 160s.  I should spend more weekend time doing something fitness related, aside from SF.  I’ve felt overwhelmed just trying to keep up with house maintenance to even get that time.

I think this is enough for now.

6-4-19 feeling sad

I’m not sure why exactly. My wife’s health seems to be getting worse. She was complaining since at least Friday where I had to guilt her into just going on a mile hike on a nearby wooded trail. Saturday she babysat while I worked on as many chores as I could Saturday, including prepping meals for the week. This was so we could go to the Virginia Reinassance festival on Sunday. We did get to go. She wasn’t able to get her “too big” bodice to fit.

Monday evening she complains that she has a lot of sinus pressure and is getting dizzy spells. I skip my planned hike to keep an eye on her. I’m a bit concerned. I also noticed earlier her medication bottled had been empty for awhile. I’m not sure if dropping off Zoloft and buspar can cause those kinds of issues.

After last week’s financial fuck ups on her side, I clamped down on her ability to buy stuff on iTunes. I’m also regularly checking mint now with both of our accounts.

I know she has challenges right now. Work and school. Then the babysitter gig… which I’m starting to think I might need to put an end to. And this is where I’m starting to feel conflicted on how much control I should take. The ethics vs the practicality and frankly financial survival. She works those extra hours and puts herself in places where bad food options are all she has, and she does nothing else to take care of herself. I feel it will get to a critical point of no recovery if left to her own devices.

The long term plan was for her to finish school this year so that she can work somewhere that won’t constantly have her overworked and even work on holidays…plus shit for days off and sick days. She seems to feel it is more important for her to overwork because of her debts.

I need to setup a clear plan to follow. Maybe a financial advisor. Her overall unhappiness is making it hard for me to be happy around her.

So maybe this is why I’m sad. I feel like I’m going to have to be the jerk to get things on track. It flies in the face of modern sensibilities of ppl being responsible for themselves. Easy to say that when they don’t live my experience.

So reanalyze. Clamp down. Lay down path to better place. Keep cards out of her hands. Be prepared to tell others to fuck off.

Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture interpretation

This weekend I played the game “Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture”.  I got into it because I happened across the soundtrack for the game.  That music is hauntingly beautiful and sad.  A strong enough music score had been enough to get me into a game before.  Thinking of all the Vulnerability work I’ve been reading on lately, I realize games (particularly story-rich single player games) have often functioned as a relatively safe place for me to allow myself to be vulnerable and express and process emotions that have been sitting there in my psyche.

This game touched upon death in a heavy way, and those who know me and/or actually read this stuff know I’ve been heavily impacted by death in the past couple of years.  Truth be told, it has been a major factor in the path my life has taken after I lost my mother to cancer back when I was 18.  I lost my father to cancer just a little over 2 years ago, and then my best friend to suicide a few months after that.

Put briefly, the plot of this game begins ~30 minutes after the apocalypse in which everyone is gone.  No bodies (except the birds), just gone.  You spend the game following the story lines of 6 characters as they experience this end time.  You see the story acted out by their light shadows.  You learn to understand what happened between that and all of the many environmental clues.

Spoilers incoming:

You learn that somewhat accidentally an entity made of light is brought to earth via a couple of scientists.  It wants to communicate with people, but the way it communicates is ultimately deadly to any animal life more complicated than an insect.  With humans, they start to experience flu like symptoms, until it ultimately becomes fatal and they are literally dispersed into light.  It spreads quickly, via electrical signals, radio signals, and human voice.  I think everyone is gone in a matter of days.

All of that game story is mostly beside the point.  What I felt from this is that it was really a story about accepting the death of loved ones, and ultimately accepting your own death.  It brings some comfort, via science of all things (which to be fair, a lot of the time it can be a bit of a buzzkill, as useful as it can be).  If I understand correctly, all things give off some light.  When that light leaves the planet and goes into the vacuum of space (which is also why I think the game showed the galaxy in the sky after every character’s end), it goes on infinitely.  So in that sense, a part of you is infinite to the cosmos.  Unless you get caught by a blackhole…although I suppose one could play with the idea of blackholes feeding into other universes.  Nothing living makes it through…but if light is a conduit for information?  I swear I’m not high.  If anything I’m low…if that is a thing.

So anyway, I do find a bit of comfort knowing that all of those that are dead continue to cast a light out into the universe.  Possibly infinite and maybe even to other universes.  So perhaps in a real way, we will all see each other again…just perhaps in a slightly different configuration.

 

Below is a quote, and also the lyrics from the end song that has resonated with me.

“In the wake of a human being’s death, what survives is a set of afterglows, some brighter and some dimmer, in the collective brains of those dearest to them. There is, in those who remain, a collective corona that still glows – Douglas Hofstadter”

 

“The Light We Cast”

Now everything has come to rest
The end has come and I am not afraid
We travel on towards a new beginning
We slip away and we are unafraid
We’re born a part
The waters carry us
An endless dark in sovereign galaxies
The light we cast
Creates a bridge
And guides the way across the ages deep
I see them all
I see them dancing
In the endless numbers of the night
I love you in the ebbing of the tide
I love you in the quiet inner lands
I love you in the garden of butterflies
Now everything has come to rest
The end has come and I am not afraid
We travel on towards a new beginning
We slip away and we are unafraid
We slip away and we are unafraid
Unafraid

5-24-19 murph

Today’s workout was the Murphy…or something to that effect. I don’t know the whole story but it is related to memorial day. The setup goes like this:

  • 1 mile run under 9 min or substitute the following (not equivalent at all imo)
  • 200 jumping jacks
  • 100 mountain climbers
  • 100 toe taps
  • 100 lunges
  • 50 kb swings
  • Then:
  • 100 pull-ups
  • 200 push-ups
  • 300 squats
  • Repeat mile or substitute

I still owe 100 push-ups, 20 pull ups, and the mile or substitute

5-22-19 unhappy emotions

Not feeling great emotionally today. The workout was fine and starting rucking last night was good too. But all these things I’m working towards…health…mental fitness… financial stability…art… I realize I’m doing them alone. I realize my greatest gains have been when I accept that change and improvement only happen through the force of my will. It is my journey.

But the thing is that even though I am an introvert, I don’t truly want to be alone. These are the paths I need to take and I won’t veer from them. My journey is a hard one. For a little while my wife seemed to want to tag along. But I don’t feel that is the case anymore. If she does join, it feels like it is out of obligation or atonement…not because she genuinely wants to travel on this metaphorical journey with me.

5-16-19 therapy

Topics discussed in no particular order

  • Shame cycles and how they interact with partners shame spirals
  • Alpha, beta, theta waves. Ideal to be operating at alpha with short shifts into beta. Extended operation at high beta leads to crash (depression)…makes particular sense with last year extended anxiety leading to depression
  • Financial advisor recommendation to find a balance between working towards financial goals and still enjoying life

5-15-19 pre-therapy dump

At the moment I feel mostly ok. A little tired… didn’t sleep great. Also quite sort from pt yesterday. I’m back little frustrated with not performing as well as I would hope on upper body. Bench presses specifically. I’m also not happy with my weight loss progress. I’ve been making more mistakes on food due to internal emotional turmoil. A little over 3 months until MDRF so I’m feeling the pressure.

I’m thinking what I need to do on that front is slash my protein portion in half for my meals. It worked before. After this week I should be able to keep to the early morning training sessions more regularly. Then I need to add a low intensity cardio session at night or weekend afternoon. Eat less move more. And sleep.

The other challenge to all of this is the social stuff. Thursday night dnd is sorta waivering lately but I still have to assume it will be happening which makes sleep tougher. Then there is the poly stuff. Nothing romantic has happened or even looks imminent. I still have deep rooted fears about allowing myself to be physical with anyone else will be used against me. Physical intimacy with my wife has been more infrequent (as if it wasn’t already more infrequent than I liked). I watched this interesting presentation on Ted by a sex worker that made the link that because men typically feel judged based on money, physical prowress, or their “mojo”, and that control on the first 2 can be a bit more limited, it leaves men often needing to use sex to allow themselves to be vulnerable and express emotion. It certainly makes me feel better, but not necessarily because of the physical release. There is a sort of play there.

I’ll continue this post later… hopefully. Work time. Another source of anxiety.

5-8-19 Can’t help

I’m coming to the realization that I  can’t keep trying to help my wife with her issues.  All that happens is my attempts backfire.  I think back to when I was in my early 20s and not in a good place.  No one helped me out of there.  I was just given the space to figure it out.  School helped too, but that was still my effort in getting the most out of it and eventually getting my career started.

 

At the end of the day, if my wife can’t love herself, nothing I do will make a difference.