5-16-19 therapy

Topics discussed in no particular order

  • Shame cycles and how they interact with partners shame spirals
  • Alpha, beta, theta waves. Ideal to be operating at alpha with short shifts into beta. Extended operation at high beta leads to crash (depression)…makes particular sense with last year extended anxiety leading to depression
  • Financial advisor recommendation to find a balance between working towards financial goals and still enjoying life
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5-15-19 pre-therapy dump

At the moment I feel mostly ok. A little tired… didn’t sleep great. Also quite sort from pt yesterday. I’m back little frustrated with not performing as well as I would hope on upper body. Bench presses specifically. I’m also not happy with my weight loss progress. I’ve been making more mistakes on food due to internal emotional turmoil. A little over 3 months until MDRF so I’m feeling the pressure.

I’m thinking what I need to do on that front is slash my protein portion in half for my meals. It worked before. After this week I should be able to keep to the early morning training sessions more regularly. Then I need to add a low intensity cardio session at night or weekend afternoon. Eat less move more. And sleep.

The other challenge to all of this is the social stuff. Thursday night dnd is sorta waivering lately but I still have to assume it will be happening which makes sleep tougher. Then there is the poly stuff. Nothing romantic has happened or even looks imminent. I still have deep rooted fears about allowing myself to be physical with anyone else will be used against me. Physical intimacy with my wife has been more infrequent (as if it wasn’t already more infrequent than I liked). I watched this interesting presentation on Ted by a sex worker that made the link that because men typically feel judged based on money, physical prowress, or their “mojo”, and that control on the first 2 can be a bit more limited, it leaves men often needing to use sex to allow themselves to be vulnerable and express emotion. It certainly makes me feel better, but not necessarily because of the physical release. There is a sort of play there.

I’ll continue this post later… hopefully. Work time. Another source of anxiety.

5-8-19 Can’t help

I’m coming to the realization that I  can’t keep trying to help my wife with her issues.  All that happens is my attempts backfire.  I think back to when I was in my early 20s and not in a good place.  No one helped me out of there.  I was just given the space to figure it out.  School helped too, but that was still my effort in getting the most out of it and eventually getting my career started.

 

At the end of the day, if my wife can’t love herself, nothing I do will make a difference.

4-25-19 strength training session

I think I need to stick to using gloves as the weights get heavier. Bruised up the palm of my left hand. Anyhow…

  • 200m row warmup
  • 10×2 squats with bar only
  • 50lb 10×2
  • 60lb 6×2
  • 70lb 4×4
  • Superset x3:
  • 30 lb incline press x8
  • 12lb fly x10
  • Plank reverse fly 10lb
  • Superset 2..4 sets:
  • Pulldowns (chinup position) 160lb x8
  • Rows 40lb x12
  • Next
  • Yellow kb upright rows 3×8 (remember to pull outwards at top)
  • Yellow kb reverse dead lift 3×12
  • Yellow kb side lunge 10/leg one set
  • One arm squat thrust 30lb 3×8…cut short because of hand issue… switched to band
  • Superset 4:
  • Bosu ball side shuffle x40
  • Red band looped around pillar, one knee up, press band out…core twist resist
  • 10 flutter kicks, 1 leg up, repeat and increment raise 2..then 3

4-24-19 thunder

This morning’s session below. I’m also having a strength training session tonight. I guess I have a bit of anxiety over how I’ll do. I also rolled out my hips, glutes, and calves this morning. I should do that again this afternoon. Hips were a bit tight. Not sure if we’re doing squats or deadlifts tonight.

  • Warmup:
  • Jog
  • High knees
  • Butt kickers
  • Break line
  • Bear crawl forward and backwards
  • Lunges
  • Sprints
  • Jog up hill
  • End warmup
  • Arm rotations, hip flexor stretch, hip thrusts…mix in push-ups or mountain climbers between.
  • Circuit 1, 15 reps a station
  • Rope slams with split lunges
  • One leg hip thrusts with med ball
  • Mountain climbers x4 with sliders, pushup
  • Tire thrusts
  • Run
  • Circuit 2:
  • Large tire flip x5
  • Box jumps
  • Trx squat jump
  • Sled push
  • Run
  • Circuit 3, timed, abs:
  • Use water bottle or kb for center..alternate leg 1 by 1 over item
  • In and outs
  • V ups
  • Final
  • To tune of Thunderstruck, burpees Everytime thunder is said. Squats in between.

4-23-19 workout

  • Warm up run with dynamic movements
  • Circuit 60 seconds:
  • Sliders knees to chest
  • Med ball situps
  • In and out abs with tire on wall
  • Ball slam
  • Hammers
  • Circuit 2, 10 reps x 4 sets a station, agility ladder, box shuffle between sets
  • Circuit 3, 25 reps, 25 abs knee to chest, 2 sets
  • 1-2-3 count flutter kicks to 70
  • 1-2-3 count push-ups to 30

4-19-19 lighter

This is the first night I’ve had a full night of sleep in a while. It definitely helps. Hopefully I can keep the home environment ideal towards that goal of consistent sleep. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be problematic with my wife coming home late and starting the dog barking panic. I’m internally debating if I should have her pay for bark collars since it is her Tuesday night dating partner setup that is going to cause sleep issues for me. I can’t count on her to get home for normal sleeping times.

Reminds me, I still need to review our expected combined expenditures and analyze what the percentage total I’m paying for those shared expenses. While I am aware she has limitations because of her debts, the goal should be to reach a more even split on those costs. This is one of the reasons I am supporting her through school. I should not always be financially carrying that extra weight. There are plenty of things I would like to do but can’t because I give more of my time and money just to give her a shot. That should not be taken advantage of.

In other news, it looks like I am cutting things off with one potential partner. My standards are too high [JackieChanface.jpg]. This is okay. I was already feeling like there were too many people in my life. It also helped me better confirm what relationship I want to add to my life in the context of my limited time.

My reason for getting into poly was to find a way to fill in the home Stephy left behind. There were quite a few special qualities she had. One of them was how she functioned as an emotional check for me. I respected her intelliect and I felt she had a good understanding of who I was and where I was trying to get to, emotionally speaking. Sometimes those checks weren’t in my favor, but I knew they always came from a place of love. I do not get the sense this person can fill this role. Sure I’m asking for a lot and it is ok to not want to fill that role (Steph didn’t ask for it, but that was what our dynamic became… always trying to help each other find our way).

I should retool my profile to better reflect what I offer and what I’m looking for.

4-17-19 internal conflict, rage

I’m feeling off today. Part of it may be poor sleep due to my wife being home late. I also don’t feel I’m making good progress on my fitness goals. Work is being a bear with all the extra work. Finances are tight thanks to taxes and unexpected deductibles. For the most part I feel that I’m fighting all of these things on my own. To some degree I’m even being sabotaged by my wife, unintentionally, on some of these things. I show a lot of my love via acts of services…and that has financial implications. It also requires trust on my part in that there will be a long term win for us out of this grind.

But I’ve also seen her betray my trust a number of times. Particularly when I’m in the way of the thing she wants. I guess I need better reassurance or checks in place to make sure I’m not taken advantage of.

Is it

4-15-19

I’ve been having a bit of an off morning. I’m not yet sure how well I’m processing my emotions. I definitely didn’t get as much sleep as I should have. Thanks GoT. We went to my wife’s friend’s place to watch, but still needed to finish meal prep for the week ((though only have enough protein to last through Tuesday)… I had much less time as I just had too many social things going on this week.

I know if my sleep is bad, anxiety and paranoia starts to kick in. I suppose this is why I’m writing…to catch the nonsense when I write it down. It is a way to expose the darkness.

I think I should really make an effort to avoid having more than one social event a weekend. Friday night may be ok…but I really need an open Saturday or Sunday in order to get caught up.