polyamory

12.24.24 Still here

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I haven’t written here for a while. I happen to have tonight alone and I don’t have work or an agenda to distract me. My wife has headed off to see her partner for xmas eve.

It has been a long tough year. Even in spite of the breakups from last year, I feel like this year was harder. There was certainly a lot of big changes that were well intentioned but ended up just putting me in financially hard positions. Emotionally hard ones too. I really should start doing those “Morning Pages” again, an idea I learned from “The Artist’s Way”. Artistic practice aside, I need to journal my life more because my memory is just not as great I feel. For that reason, I’m not going to try a month by month recap of what happened. It would take too long.

On the health side of things, I worked with a PT for most of the year. I didn’t really lose much in the way of weight, but I did get stronger and gained more confidence with building my workouts for strength purposes. I was able to make a bit of progress on my chest development with changes in my grip positions. Part of the financial/home situation eventually made it so I could no longer continue with PT or the regular full gym I was going to, and with the whole move and holiday wombo combo I gained some weight. I’m not happy about that. It is a vicious cycle. Maybe it’ll stop now with no more Halloween candy craziness. I’ll need a more aggressive plan for the holiday leftovers of doom though.

Home and finances have not been great. It has been a bit of a rollercoaster really. Originally, my wife, her partner (we sort of have a thing too, but I don’t feel right calling her a partner so I just refer to her as my wife’s partner), and I had this plan about combining finances to try to get a leg up on things and get into a bigger house together. The whole “poly dream” as it were. N (wife’s partner) was making decent money and stood to make even more once they moved in with us. The plan was they’d pay rent, and we’d pool down payment money and leverage our house value to move into a nice bigger place that wasn’t out in the boonies. Of course, it didn’t happen that way. N moved in, but didn’t pay anything and the communication was just shit. Their plans kept changing too, and it was rarely ever directly communicated with me but rather my wife had to be this strange in between for communication. The changed plans made it so N’s spouse would be moving in too (originally it was going to be just us 3 and they would figure out their own stuff…it was never clear if they were separating or not). Suddenly the requirement was 7 cats and a dog. Then before long, add another dog. And still no money as their partner did nothing with their home back in Fl.

I could go on for a long while on all the unnecessary BS I was put through. Oh, and my wife changed jobs…which was good originally as her previous employer was toxic and the drive was very unhealthy for her…but after the 6 month contract was up, there was no more work and she has still yet to find a new full time job. So I was supporting 2 full grown adults all by myself, and technically a proxy 3rd. This shit is getting fucking old.

Eventually, and rather quickly now that I look at what few private journal entries I wrote, I had some major anxious breakdowns. I made the choice to call off the whole group housing initiative. I couldn’t handle living with them as is, and I knew their financially situation well enough that living together would be untenable even with their selling off their old home. My wife and I took out a heloc to pay off some major debts, do a few much needed repairs on the house, and took the route of renting a home with just her and I. We are renting out the old house to N and their spouse (we did make them sign a legally binding rental contract). It’s been nearly a couple months, and to no fucking surprise they still haven’t paid rent. They do have a close date on their old house. I do expect to be, at minimum, paid the rent they owe as tenants after the close. We’ll see how that goes.

Relationship-wise, I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo. I had started dating someone new (“L”) around June. We connected a lot on mental health topics and they seemed really into me. I think I may have been operating from a place of loneliness as while I liked them, I never felt quite safe and supported around them. Maybe my subconscious recognized the controlling behavior signs before my logical brain finally did. Things were going “okay” until E came into my life. E is a great person. I do love her, and she’s one of those people I have a lot of respect for. She’s been through a lot of hardship, and has worked hard on improving her self and healing from all the trauma she’s been through. She owns her shit, and I admire/respect people that can do that. After our 3rd date, L started having problems and started pushing for some sort of parity. I went to an event with E for one thing, suddenly L had to have us do the same thing the next day. There were a lot of things she was trying to push me into doing or saying that I was not ready for. Layer that with the major home stressors, and I started having a hard repulsion to her that no amount of logic would undo. I dreaded conversations with her. I tried to push for distance and time, to see if after the move my nervous system would calm down and disassociate L with all the other stressors. But it didn’t happen, or at least didn’t happen quickly enough. So they broke it off, “I need to be with someone that wants to be with me”. I don’t blame her for it, and to be honest, it was a relief.

Things with E have been going well. Yet, I still feel like something is missing. I don’t feel supported/valued the way I did with H. I don’t feel the mind numbing attraction I had with C (or S for that matter, though S had major emotional instability issues that made it not worth it/not safe). While at least I don’t feel trapped in my home, things are still tight financially while my wife isn’t working and N’s finance situation is in question until their close date. I think I need another person in my life but I just don’t feel ready for it right now.

All I can do right now is refocus on my health. I’m planning to double down on those early morning workouts. I’m going for a 4/2 build. 4 bootcamp days, 2 strength training days (push/pull + leg/shoulders). I really need to lean down and that means more cardio (hiit really) and reduced calories overall. The more important thing about this strategy is the consistency. Plus there is a bit of community with the smaller classes I’ve been going to. I was able to gain about 2 lbs a week starting early Oct and ending today. I should be able to do the reverse of this. I have enough fat stores to be able to take it until I get into the 180s. I gotta do my own thing for a while.

Hopefully 2025 goes better. The big plan is to sell our old house. With the expected gain from that, at least my income alone will hold things together…barely.

4.24.23 update

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Still here. Went through some changes. Tried a new fitness program that focused more on lifting and upped calories. Weight has been steady so seems like maintenance levels. Not happy with it.

Also lost my anchor partner. Feeling a new wave of grief today. Some hazy combo of anger and sad.

Tried out a kick boxing class last Saturday with the wife. Was gonna wait to sign up with her but I think i need the pain of throwing everything I have into a bag amongst other people to keep out of my own head.

2.24.23 diet journal for real

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I just noticed I put the wrong date for my last entry (should have been the 23rd). I guess I was a little distracted. I’m even more distracted now, for good poly reasons. Those NRE feels are kicking in and I’m being a little cautious now. Sometimes working out isn’t just about taking down the bad emotions but also keeping the big happy ones from getting out of control (the risk there is I become vulnerable to the loss and other stuff). Anyhow, diet went well yesterday and so did the bootcamp workout. I also did a fair amount of walking in the house just trying to get prepared for the movie date I had.

On to the stats:

I should note, the screencap here is for the past 30 days. Almost 10 lbs in 30 days isn’t too bad. I think the max recommended weight loss ratio is about 2 lbs a week? I don’t know where the science for that claim comes from. If someone knows please feel free to comment them science gains. Also, surprise bonus cat photo below.

1.2.23 Reflections on 2022

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Time to reflect on the past year. If for no other reason, to understand where I was and how I got to where I am now. I think I might break this down by month.

  • January
    • I was experiencing depression and loneliness.
    • I was doing a lot of work on undoing the damage left by a narcissist ex
    • I noted how important a high step count was to my weight maintenance. I should focus on that again, especially since the weather is nicer right now.
    • I was struggling with my wife’s emotional availability (she had her own challenges).
    • I started talking with H again. They were going through surgery and I wanted to support them as a friend. I had thoughts of Stefy and how important it was to be there for a friend even if there had been romantic feelings in the past.
    • I started scheming on how to bring Actual Cannibal Shia Labeouf into one of my D&D games.
    • I started taking local improv classes (workshop, ~once a month)
    • I think I was already back in the work office. I was dealing with security issues mostly. This was in the old building.
    • I had a covid scare
  • February
    • H and I got back together. I think I struggled opening up emotionally for a little while since I had been abandoned before.
    • I think I was actively training in SF and Kenpo
    • I put together my digital map case. I made a fun bridge encounter. The party was body blocked by trolls on one side and ogres on the other. The giants were arguing amongst each other on who owned the toll bridge. Meanwhile, the weight caused the bridge to start collapsing in random chunks. I rolled on a grid axis to determine which board fell. One of them was under a player. They made their dex save to not fall in. Eventually, they convinced the giants to form an LLC and got through.
    • I hit a PR on a 275 lb deadlift.
    • I had a talk with V and broke things off.
  • March
    • Things going well between H and I.
    • I think this was when I wrote that big kink negotiation document.
    • I built a pyramid scene using the 5 room model. It was a lot of work but I was proud of it.
    • I had a busy schedule between bootcamp, str training, kenpo, and online improv.
    • I replaced my laptop for a new one.
    • I got a new backpack with straps from REI. It helped quite a bit.
    • I was talking with Mia more.
  • April
    • H went on a 3 week cross country tour
    • I spent some time learning how to work with the levels module in Foundryvtt. It was cool but ultimately only useful for online only games. It had a lot of issues working correctly for in-person games.
  • May
    • Started on massage sessions
    • Attended wedding for my sis-in-law
    • I had a good connection with a striper. I wrote about the emotional experience in hopes I could write it into a story later.
    • Got together with J unexpectedly. Seems to be a comet situation.
    • Narrowly avoided Covid
    • Got reminded of my ex while browsing through munch meetups. Reminded me how important it is to be careful with the relationships I get into.
  • June
    • I was struggling with sleep. I had plans to get my home gym going but it never really happened effectively.
    • It looks like this was my busiest soldierfit month. 16 sessions. This doesn’t include my gold’s sessions. I’d like to see if I can beat that record this month.
  • July
    • I started talking with C again and went out on a date (well, hangout…I avoid calling these things dates to avoid implicit expectations)
    • I got surprised by a yard project my wife had gotten a quote for. I was frustrated, but ultimately let it through. It did prompt a financial review. That project ended up being a scam though, and we got conned out of that money. It hurt. My wife learned to always check licenses for contract work in the future.
    • My ex showed up again on a dating app (not her profile, but she was in group photos). It spurred more painful memories. I wrote about it and doubled down on my fitness goals.
    • I think I started experiencing foot pain (later turned out to be a bone spur, requiring orthodontic fitting to help mitigate)
    • I did a good gnoll voice that surprised my wife.
  • August
    • I got sick with some kind of flu. It wasn’t covid. The coughing was pretty bad. It came after attending the wedding of a friend.
    • ren faire season began. I didn’t make the weight I wanted to. I was able to still wear the pants at least. My wings never came.
    • I put a post out about accountability buddies for fitness stuff. A few people responded.
  • September
    • Took a trip to Ocean City with the wife and her partner N. Things became more physical/romantic with N and I. It was nice.
    • My sister made plans put down her old dog.
    • H attended ren faire with me several times this season. Looking at my writing, I noticed my depression stopped coming up. I still struggled with thoughts of my ex and how I was hurt. But I also finally accepted I was in a good stable relationship with H.
    • With H’s help, I got better with eye make up and tried several different looks through ren faire.
  • October
    • I met A at an event at the ren faire. We had met first on an app, and it seemed to be another dead end connection. But they came up to me at the event and apologized about it. We got along pretty well and made tentative plans to meet up again in the future.
    • I had some stress with the office move prep.
    • I went ham on halloween decorations and did a haunted walk through our backyard. I was proud of it.
  • November
    • Moved to the new office building. I had to be there the entire week the first week. I ended up catching Covid for the first time after that. It took me about a week to recover. I had the bivalent vaccine a month before and took paxlovid.
    • Before I got sick, I see I had some sort of argument with my wife. I didn’t want to come home as much.
  • December.
    • Had a great New Years spent with H and my wife. It was chill
    • I got a lot of DND/writing work done. I started using worldographer and Dungeon Alchemist. I might get back on Dungeon Draft soon too. The world stuff will be useful for my scifi world.

So all in all, I think 2022 went well. Fitness-wise it did not go great. But I have this year for that. I also really want to make progress on a book this year. I tried to make 10k words for the world ember went but did not make it in time. but H pointed out that 10k words is 1/4th of a novel. I had made 4k words with just my short story without realizing it. Writing a novel isn’t as far out of reach as I thought. I have hope for this year.

7.28.22 how do I know what I think…

Posted on by lionwolfbird

The other day while burning some distraction cycles on one of those dating app (if you’re new here, hi I’m polyamorous) and i ran across a profile with a group photo that included an ex. There were feelings as you can imagine. And so to enact one of my favorite quotes, I write to see what I say.

I don’t feel hate. But I still feel swells of anger when she surfaces onto my consciousness. While I can understand how her behavior came from a past that included trauma and dealing with narcissistic personalities, it does not excuse it. I did not have to tolerate unexpected verbal lashings, shaming, gas lighting, and attempt reinforcement of toxic masculinity traits (e.g. “I should be able to have my temper tantrums without it effecting you ” and questioning whether I was “dom enough” because I could feel sad).

I allowed myself to feel the kind of emotion I hadn’t felt since I was a teenager. It was a kind of love. Not the secure trusting love I find myself in now, but the burning passion type instead. The kind that led to me having an overwhelming need to vent those emotions in form of prose and poem when a physical outlet was not possibe. I understood romantic poets a lot more during that time. I made honest mistakes since I wasn’t at my clearest mentally. Instead of making them moments to learn from, they became arrows of shame to be shot at me, again and again. I became vulnerable to her and it fully taken advantage of to cause maximum harm. That is why I became so focused on building my boundaries afterwards.

As I’ve often done in the past, I channel those potentially more damaging emotions into more useful activities. When I feel the anger and shame well up, I redirect them into my fitness efforts. I guess in a fucked up way I can thank her for reinforcing that aspect of myself.

When I had my first major success in weight loss (80 lbs in a year), I had this thought implanted in my mind by a coworkers back when I interned at an airport. “Your mind is only as strong as your body”. That idea has been my solace when I encounter hard times. That same idea is playing out when she enters my mind. I recognize it. I wasn’t weak but my past traumas were exploited. My fitness journey includes reinforcing my psyche. Because I know how the universe works. Despite my cutting her out of my life for my own safety, I know that someday I’ll run into her again. I need to be as sure about myself as I can be.

I won’t allow her to find anymore chinks in the armor I create for myself. I have people in my life who love me and celebrate me for who I am, flaws and all.

5.10.22 How bad do I want this?

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This thought is latching to my brain today. It was triggered while browsing through FL. I was considering maybe looking at attending various local events, and came across my ex’s profile as a possible attendee. It brought back some painful memories. I’ll flat out say it, this person was a narcissist. They did a lot of emotional damage. The highs (or love bombs) were not worth the crippling lows. I went no contact a long while ago to protect myself. Now I’m afraid that my odds of running back into this person in the real world are more likely, especially if I try to attend any local events. I really don’t like confrontation. Meanwhile, this person *loved* to start arguments as a way to test people. That’s a massive waste of energy IMO. Now I could try to excuse this person based on the traumatic past they’ve had, but that isn’t okay. They were toxic. That experience is a poignant reminder for me that even as a polyamorous person, it is not worth pursuing toxic relationships, regardless of all of their other qualities. The damage to my psyche, and those around me as I stew in depression, is not worth it.

So back to this thought. It came up while I trained at the gym this morning. Working out is important to me as a mood regulator. I did not train at all last week due to being out for a wedding. Sure enough, come sunday I felt a melancholy just wash over me. Yes my social anxiety cup had runneth over, but also my bulwark was decayed. Then I remembered how I felt last year as I saw progress photos from last year. I was starting to like how I looked, for the first time ever in my life. It gave me an extra bit of confidence that I never knew could exist. I could actually see myself dressing in nice things that weren’t just ren fair garb.

And so as I struggle with trying to keep a fitness routine going I have this concern of confrontation in my head. I know the universe loves to fuck with me, and so at some point it’ll happen even with avoiding those events. I feel that I need to get my body back to where I was early last year. Rebuilding that confidence in myself is to serve as that shield for my mind when I fully expect this person will try to tear me down and/or emotionally manipulate me into doing that myself. I know the mechanical things that I have to do. It comes down to gritting my teeth and getting it done…and not injuring myself in the process.

I need to get up earlier during the week. The Tuesday/Thursday morning strength training is nice…but I can do more. If I’m making slow incremental process through this “part time” training schedule I’m on now (keeping my nutrition in check of course), then I can just imagine my progress should I commit. If I want to be ready to handle those barbs, then I need to commit to this phase of training. No one else is going to be be able to help me with this.

Okay, I feel a bit better putting this out into the ether. I know what I need to do.

Ear Worm / Burden feeling lifted 7-30-21

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Every so often stuff happens in my life, either by choice or not, and a song somehow gets linked to the event. Songs, like any other artistic expression, tend to take on different meanings for people regardless of the intent of the creator. And so this song, “Addict”, has become linked to my choice on blocking all contact with an ex. I think it finally clicked on how toxic that connection could be, even as friends. I made my mistakes in communication and said too much, sure (I’m also wondering if I’m not at least a little Autistic with my trouble of being socially aware/adept), but she always used my mistakes as ways to try to break me down and find ways to make me feel even more like crap. It’s excessive, not constructive, and absolutely not healthy for me to be around. Social media only made it worse by constantly trying to push contact with her too. It’s part of why I’ve drastically reduced my time there. Removing that app from my phone has been incredibly helpful. I’ll occasionally look at it through my PC, but only in very short increments. And I realize, there isn’t much I’m missing.

I think it’s the opening lines that are sticking with me the most in this song.:

“This is a brand new start. And I think I deserve some praise for the way that I am”.

The end of the music video with the blowing up of the club feels fitting. Sometimes burning a bridge really is the way to go. Anyhow. here’s the video link. Serious trigger warning on stuff in there, so put on your thickest skin if you watch.

4-2-21 Life update

Posted on by lionwolfbird

it’s been a while since I have updated this blog. I’ve noticed more likes and follows despite this…which is better odd, but cool. I hope my meanderings have been useful in some way.

Today is the first day I’ve been on the metro in over a year. it’s a weird experience. I’m going to spend the weekend with a partner of mine. I think this is the first time I’ve been able to spend this much time with a poly partner that wasn’t basically a hotel outting. There’s a poly milestone for you. They’ve risen the bar for good partners. I feel at ease around them.

On the fitness stuff… I’m platued at 170 and 22% bodyfat. Sometimes I’ll drop to 167, but that seems to be mostly at the expense of water. I haven’t been doing the same amount of evening workouts and walka due to injuries. I’m in the mend now. My trainer is changing gyms so my schedule is currently in flux. I’ll know more next week on how I’ll move forward. Either we can make something work at planet fitness or I’ll have to work with a different trainer at my main gym.

My goal is still 15% bodyfat by August 15.

Angel

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’m facing an uncomfortable thing that I need to do. I need to break things off with a potential poly partner before things get any more serious. I need to put my concerns to text to help navigate my way through.

A quick background in this person:

I met this person via OKC. I did the a list sub for a bit which included daily “boosts” that showed my profile to more people on their “double take” system… basically a Tinder copy. She saw me through there and actually messaged me first. I think that is the 2nd time I’ve ever been the receiver of a first contact initiation. It was flattering…and that is why it has been more difficult to break this off.

It is rare that anyone gives me compliment on my attractiveness right out of the gate. I was feeling particularly lonely at the time and played down the red flags. Thankfully nothing physically sexual has happened (text stuff is another story). The part that makes this particular hard to work through is she is a regular vet at faire, so I have a fear of things blowing up. I guess I need to convince myself that the worst case scenario is unlikely, and even if it were to happen it won’t be that bad. Anyway, on to the red flags.

This connection very quickly turned sexual online. One of the lessons I thought I learned from my previous poly relationships was that I moved things too fast. This almost feels like lightspeed in comparison 😅. The sexts started within hours. I went with it… again because I was feeling particularly lonely and sexually frustrated (my wife and I were on a particularly bad dry spell).

The other problems quickly followed. She is a major masochist. I thought my ex was relatively extreme at the time…this person literally wants to be punches, kicked, and wants to do the consentual non-consent thing. I am not comfortable with that. I thought I could be open minded and try to understand it. It is my understanding that people into this kink do so generally to retake control of abusive pasts. She definitely has that. I did let her know that I was uncomfortable with going that far and seemed to understand that. I let things escalate a little in person because of that. But now she seems to be trying to push things in that direction again.

My wife and her gf had a talk about this concern. Her gf has significant kink experience and gave some good points about the dangers here. Reminds me that I need to review safe and sane/rack again.

So take away all of these safety issues and I’m still left with a possible relationship with a person I don’t feel a strong emotional connection. The common interests are limited as well. I don’t see much in the way of emotional support.

The goal of poly for me remains to be filling in the hole Stephy left behind.  I enjoy ren faires and craft stuff, but that is just 1 dimension of my personality.  I have been on a mission of self-improvement since my mid 20s.  Steph helped me a lot with that, even when the path was painful.  I tried to do the same for her.  I cannot continue that journey with a person who literally begs me to hurt them.

So to summarize the reasons why I need to break this off, mainly for myself:

  • I don’t feel safe with that level of kink.  Not so much because of the potential physical harm to myself, but more so the mental and even potentially social harm
  • I do not feel comfortable with the STI risk on account of having no information on how partners sexual risk levels are tracked outside of just using protection.
  • This relationship will not lead to me being a better or happier person.
  • The physical distance would make maintaining this relationship logistically difficult
  • She has stated visiting her home is not an option, which only makes the distance issue even harder.
  • I do not feel a strong emotional connection.  No “Fuck yes” feeling.

 

7-17-19 catch up

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Life got busy and I found myself lacking the time to even just complete a text dump here. I’m not sure where to start.

Poly stuff has put me in a strange place recently. I met someone 3 weeks ago who was surprisingly forward for what I’m used to dealing with. And now it has hit this strange super casual thing which I’m not comfortable with. It is difficult for me to feel for anyone over the ocassional short text every few days. Even if they’re “sweet” texts, I don’t feel right trying to reply in the same way. It isn’t authentic. I guess it would be difficult to work anyway as she has a much different life style than I do, so our interests and passions don’t align. It is mostly a chemistry thing. I’m aware most guys would love that sort of setup, but not me. I need to feel that mental connection. Whatever other relationship I get into has to bring the best out of me in someway. Or at least something positive. With Amber it at least encouraged my art exploration.

And then we pan over to this new person. We’ll use page as a name. We haven’t met in person yet she puts forwardness on a whole new level. She has some kinks that honestly could get me in trouble if things go wrong. She’s also been very frequent and intense in her communications and seems to expect the same from me. In addition, going back to my earlier thought, I’m not sure interactions with her will bring out the good parts of me. I’m worried it’ll bring out something really bad instead. And not the “hot” kind of bad. I do have a meet up planned this Saturday. My instinct is telling me to be careful. I should heed that.

Financial stuff has been challenging, but I think there is a good plan going. I ended up taking out a consolidation loan. I had decided against it earlier, but after getting fucked by the IRS and state tax, I’m down 9k and all due in a short time. So with this, I can hold them off and get my cc debts down so I stop bleeding out in interest. At the rate things were going, it would be years of making little headway. After a year of this loan (of 3) I should already be cutting ahead in terms of interest saved.

This leads into budget management. I think I already wrote on this earlier. I configured custom budgets in mint for play money for the wife, myself, and a couple fund. This was a fresh month. Wife is already capped on her budget. So this is where the real test begins. Will she stay disciplined or do I have to take cards away?

I’m still worried about her health too. I get work and school have robbed her of all time. The school is meant to be the ticket out of her job and ultimately debt situation. But she is still paying the health price now, and I am not sure if that damage can be recovered from when time opens up.