reflection

12.24.24 Still here

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I haven’t written here for a while. I happen to have tonight alone and I don’t have work or an agenda to distract me. My wife has headed off to see her partner for xmas eve.

It has been a long tough year. Even in spite of the breakups from last year, I feel like this year was harder. There was certainly a lot of big changes that were well intentioned but ended up just putting me in financially hard positions. Emotionally hard ones too. I really should start doing those “Morning Pages” again, an idea I learned from “The Artist’s Way”. Artistic practice aside, I need to journal my life more because my memory is just not as great I feel. For that reason, I’m not going to try a month by month recap of what happened. It would take too long.

On the health side of things, I worked with a PT for most of the year. I didn’t really lose much in the way of weight, but I did get stronger and gained more confidence with building my workouts for strength purposes. I was able to make a bit of progress on my chest development with changes in my grip positions. Part of the financial/home situation eventually made it so I could no longer continue with PT or the regular full gym I was going to, and with the whole move and holiday wombo combo I gained some weight. I’m not happy about that. It is a vicious cycle. Maybe it’ll stop now with no more Halloween candy craziness. I’ll need a more aggressive plan for the holiday leftovers of doom though.

Home and finances have not been great. It has been a bit of a rollercoaster really. Originally, my wife, her partner (we sort of have a thing too, but I don’t feel right calling her a partner so I just refer to her as my wife’s partner), and I had this plan about combining finances to try to get a leg up on things and get into a bigger house together. The whole “poly dream” as it were. N (wife’s partner) was making decent money and stood to make even more once they moved in with us. The plan was they’d pay rent, and we’d pool down payment money and leverage our house value to move into a nice bigger place that wasn’t out in the boonies. Of course, it didn’t happen that way. N moved in, but didn’t pay anything and the communication was just shit. Their plans kept changing too, and it was rarely ever directly communicated with me but rather my wife had to be this strange in between for communication. The changed plans made it so N’s spouse would be moving in too (originally it was going to be just us 3 and they would figure out their own stuff…it was never clear if they were separating or not). Suddenly the requirement was 7 cats and a dog. Then before long, add another dog. And still no money as their partner did nothing with their home back in Fl.

I could go on for a long while on all the unnecessary BS I was put through. Oh, and my wife changed jobs…which was good originally as her previous employer was toxic and the drive was very unhealthy for her…but after the 6 month contract was up, there was no more work and she has still yet to find a new full time job. So I was supporting 2 full grown adults all by myself, and technically a proxy 3rd. This shit is getting fucking old.

Eventually, and rather quickly now that I look at what few private journal entries I wrote, I had some major anxious breakdowns. I made the choice to call off the whole group housing initiative. I couldn’t handle living with them as is, and I knew their financially situation well enough that living together would be untenable even with their selling off their old home. My wife and I took out a heloc to pay off some major debts, do a few much needed repairs on the house, and took the route of renting a home with just her and I. We are renting out the old house to N and their spouse (we did make them sign a legally binding rental contract). It’s been nearly a couple months, and to no fucking surprise they still haven’t paid rent. They do have a close date on their old house. I do expect to be, at minimum, paid the rent they owe as tenants after the close. We’ll see how that goes.

Relationship-wise, I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo. I had started dating someone new (“L”) around June. We connected a lot on mental health topics and they seemed really into me. I think I may have been operating from a place of loneliness as while I liked them, I never felt quite safe and supported around them. Maybe my subconscious recognized the controlling behavior signs before my logical brain finally did. Things were going “okay” until E came into my life. E is a great person. I do love her, and she’s one of those people I have a lot of respect for. She’s been through a lot of hardship, and has worked hard on improving her self and healing from all the trauma she’s been through. She owns her shit, and I admire/respect people that can do that. After our 3rd date, L started having problems and started pushing for some sort of parity. I went to an event with E for one thing, suddenly L had to have us do the same thing the next day. There were a lot of things she was trying to push me into doing or saying that I was not ready for. Layer that with the major home stressors, and I started having a hard repulsion to her that no amount of logic would undo. I dreaded conversations with her. I tried to push for distance and time, to see if after the move my nervous system would calm down and disassociate L with all the other stressors. But it didn’t happen, or at least didn’t happen quickly enough. So they broke it off, “I need to be with someone that wants to be with me”. I don’t blame her for it, and to be honest, it was a relief.

Things with E have been going well. Yet, I still feel like something is missing. I don’t feel supported/valued the way I did with H. I don’t feel the mind numbing attraction I had with C (or S for that matter, though S had major emotional instability issues that made it not worth it/not safe). While at least I don’t feel trapped in my home, things are still tight financially while my wife isn’t working and N’s finance situation is in question until their close date. I think I need another person in my life but I just don’t feel ready for it right now.

All I can do right now is refocus on my health. I’m planning to double down on those early morning workouts. I’m going for a 4/2 build. 4 bootcamp days, 2 strength training days (push/pull + leg/shoulders). I really need to lean down and that means more cardio (hiit really) and reduced calories overall. The more important thing about this strategy is the consistency. Plus there is a bit of community with the smaller classes I’ve been going to. I was able to gain about 2 lbs a week starting early Oct and ending today. I should be able to do the reverse of this. I have enough fat stores to be able to take it until I get into the 180s. I gotta do my own thing for a while.

Hopefully 2025 goes better. The big plan is to sell our old house. With the expected gain from that, at least my income alone will hold things together…barely.

7.29.23 The Trip

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I tried out psilocybin this morning. I had a partner’s support and did it in the safety of my own bedroom and under close supervision. This is my attempt to capture what I saw and some of the meaning I was able to get from it.

At first, I felt tired. More so than just the relative short night would indicate. My memories are already starting to get a little hazy, like trying to capture a dream. Only this was some type of waking dream. A day dream, but only something more. The covers I was under turned into a sort of translucent space ship…space vessel? I wasn’t exactly going through space, not as pop-culture/media defines it anyway. I had the sensation I was on a journey. A guest (maybe the shrooms? Maybe something else entirely) would speak to me now and then. Short words.

Must move. Must fix. Explore. Pioneer. We fix.

But before we could truly leave, there was one hitch. My feelings around the loss of Steph came into focus. I was told I needed to let go. She was okay. She is somewhere in the place between places…where we will be going and someday you’ll cross paths again. Not in this life…or really this leg of life. I got the sensation that this reality…this timeline…is all moving in one direction. Like we’re all in our own space ships within a greater whole. Then some of us have to get off the current ride, for a bit. We float off to this side tunnel and get out. Only to get back on the great ride. We all see each other again in some form. I felt myself crying. Not that sobbing weeping crying. I don’t think anyway. I was able to move on.

I’m not sure why my trip took on this space travel trip, or relied heavily on related metaphors, but it did. I myself floating in this ship through a type of space. It wasn’t outer space, though it reminded me of it. I could see what looked like those great big nebulas and gasses in space. Only that wasn’t what they were. The entire reality was composed of sinewy like threads. It wasn’t bloody or gross. I was looking at an infrastructure. My own infrastructure. The guests in my mind were guiding me in this type of tour. I had the impression I was looking from the inside out through my own brain. The processes I was seeing was the same thing that happened every night during REM sleep. Only now, everything slowed down and I could see it all. My mind was going through a type of maintenace. All the fiberrous threads I saw were part of my reality…my memories. And they spread out infinitely. After a while of floating around this type of mother ship, I got the idea that this was the infrastructure for all of reality. The space in between, or just underneath. As my physical body moved and I felt the presence of my partner nearby (though I was blind folded, I could still “see” them as an outline in my periphreal). The process had my physical body stretch and jerk every so often. Each of those movements changed the reality around me. The music that was played in the background…soft music with choruses, also changed and directed the scene. Expansive voices would grab my reality, like hands, and spread it open more. Showing me all the infinites within the minor details of it all. This is what my brain was constantly working on. It was a miracle it worked in the first place. When the music got quiet, I could feel the space condense. I found myself in the smallest sections of whatever ship I was on. Wait here, I could feel the presence communicate with me.

All throughout this scene, I could see many colors. I could understand the joke about people “seeing colors”. My senses of touch, movement, and sound all changed what I saw. Every so often I had to go to the bathroom, which my partner helped me find. Moving around because I was blind folded wasn’t the challenge. The challenge was trying to navigate both the physical space and this mind space at the same time. There were times I could see myself from the outside. But it wasn’t me as a person. I was in this type of space suit, only the head part resembled that of a random insect. It wasn’t scary or grosteque. It just was.

My partner made mention of having epiphanies during the episode. I certainly had some. In this mindspace, I could see what felt like different dimensions. I could mainly see from one dimension, but I was aware there were more. I became aware of multiple timelines. I could not directly interact with them…but I could tap on the glass between the spaces. That tap on the glass in this reality was that 2nd guess, or gut feeling, someone else would feel in another reality. Maybe it was me reaching out to the other mes? I wasn’t sure.

My big take away was the polarity between the individual and the collective. This whole inner space I traveled in was a type of mother ship that contained all of us. Not just people mind you. All being, alive or not. A ship of our reality. It was moving somewhere as a collective. I couldn’t tell where it was going to but it seemed important. Reality as a whole was moving as a collective somewhere.  But there were always dangers on the route.  The collective could not correct by itself.  It would not.  It was in its’ nature to stay together.  Enter the individual.  The one who separates from the group.  They were the ones that would pull the collective onto the better path.  The collective fought with every ounce of its’ being.  But it was a necessary conflict.

Story tellers are those individuals. They present the other realities. The other ways. Many in our reality find that change highly threatening. But it is necessary. Not all conflict is bad. Once the individual has pulled the collective over, they again became part of the collective as it assimilated their view. The cycle would continue again and again like this.

And now this storm in the real threatens to cut off this exploration. So I’m going to take a break. I think I’ve hit the end of the trip recollection in any case.

The guest found something…fixed something within me. A connection made strong again. There are stories to tell.

5-24-23 Survive

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Before I get into my rant, some good news for me. I switched back to intermittent fasting + high protein/low-moderate carb diet at ~1500-1600 calories and a goal of 170-190g protein. I’m also focused on getting about ~15k steps a day along with my mix of bootcamp, boxing, and strength training sessions. I do seem to be making progress. I just want to say “fuck off” to those completely reliant on calculators. The 2100 calories was not working for me for weight loss. It might be a fine maintenance calorie intake at my normal activity level and might be a thing to do when I switch to a heavy strength training focus instead, but that is not my goal right now. I want to say those 2 months on the “Shed” program were wasted…but in a way they weren’t. It told me that I can’t rely on god damn groupthink. I’ve been doing this for a while and monitoring how my body reacts to different diet/workout combinations. I have to have faith in myself.

On to the rant. I’m in a no bullshit kind of mood today. I’m surrounded by a lot of “neurospicy” folks that almost constantly seem to be posting something that supports their “oh woe is me, I have this condition and it makes everything so much harder!”. I’m done with that. Your friends on X social media might jump in to agree with you, but the world does not fucking care. I grew up in a chaotic poor household. I lost my mom when I was 18. I have no innate physical talents. I have more than my fair share of social anxiety. I had all the fucking excuses in the world to be a useless stick in the mud growing up. What would that have gotten me had social media been a thing back then? I’d either be homeless or in another chaotic household as I found a way to just survive. Or maybe I’d be dead more likely the way my body was going back then. Probably at my own hand come to think of it. This is fucked up to say, but maybe depression’s result of suicide is a weird sort of mercy. If you stop trying, the brain doesn’t want to suffer needlessly anymore and so it finds a way out for no other solutions are possible. I’m either too stubborn or maybe too much of an iconoclast to want to give in now.

You gotta fight every fucking day to make it anywhere. And it’s better that way is my thinking now.

5.9.23 The Journey

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Today’s sleep wasn’t great. I went to bed earlier but remember waking up sometime around 3am. My wife had trouble sleeping again and came to bed sometime around then. Wonder if it is the adderal the doc put her on. Fitbit says i got up at 4:30. My plan was to wake at 5. Maybe starting to go to bed at 9 isn’t cutting it and I need to start going at 8:30.

Side bar, sitting on the metro and hear the driver announce that we are holding due to an “unruly customer at the next station”. Dc is getting nuttier.

On the diet front, I’m going back to the 1800 cal build with 200g protein, 80g carbs, 60-80g fat. While I know trainers on this trainerize app can see when someone isn’t “adhering” to a given diet plan, I honestly don’t believe this one truly gives a shit. Maybe I’m being a little passive aggressive but I’m focusing on what I know works for me and minimizing my communications. The only thing I’ll try are the workout builds themselves but I’m going to be much more liberal on using substitutes. It acts like a program for newbies but then throws in the more complex exercises with barely a few lines about how they work. It isn’t safe.

There was a guy on their group chat the other day celebrating after a year of being on this program that he lost 5 lbs. That is tragic. I half wonder if the guy running it doesn’t really just want a cult of personality. I think by week 8 I’m just going to ask to cancel.

5-8-23 fitness journey

Posted on by lionwolfbird

It’s been what, a month since my last update? My mind is still a little bogged down with the breakup. It might be in part my anxiety around the possibility of having to confront them later come ren faire season. While I know they didn’t super care about my fitness level, it still matters to me and it serves as a sort of bulwark against the mental anguish. It isn’t so much just the aethestics but rather how I’m able to take this goal many people struggle with and accomplish something. To show that no matter what bs gets thrown my way, I find a way perserve and get better than I ever was before.

Right now I’m doing that shed program. It’s been a little over a month and I am not impressed. I’m taking what little bit of knowledge I’ve gained from it and going back to my own thing. Upping my calories to 2100 just showed me what my maintenance is. I have a deadline to meet. The guy running it seems to be focused more on body count than quality. I get he has a business to run, but I don’t have to settle for a shitty product in return. I’m going to drop my calories to about 1800 with a focus on high protein. And put more time into the kickboxing classes I’ve started on.

11.3.22 How Hungry are You?

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This is the mantra that is repeating in my head right now.

Many years ago I had a palm reading done. While I don’t believe in any of the mysticism associated with that, tarot card reading, and general psychic mumbo jumbo, the prompts do offer a chance to reflect. Maybe not in the present, but it does come back around. One of the main things that stuck with me was the reader’s comment on how I have the ability to change my program, unlike a lot of people.

I had a bit of a spat with my wife last night over her fears of failure, adhd, and her dependence on external validation. I got a bit rankled towards the end when she accused me of not listening (maybe it was the format in which it was delivered that got to me, “You aren’t listening” vs “I’m not feeling heard”). I was also annoyed by her loop of heavy gaming on diablo/overwatch, which I admit is a bit ironic considering my heavy gaming when I was much younger. I recognize it as an ultimately unhealthy coping mechanism. If she was playing with a regular group of people (social engagement, which was crucial for me getting out of a severe depression when I was a teen), or even jumping between different games for different experiences (new ideas/experiences can spark creativity…input leads to output) that would be a more fulfilling experience. Then she complains about her health and general satisfaction with life when she does nothing to make it better. Just sticks to the same damn loop. I tried to help, but that just backfires. I need to let go and let her figure it out. Or maybe she won’t. I just can’t keep carrying.

I still felt that anger lingering this morning. It was more directed at myself. Something I just remembered now that anger isn’t always bad. It can be hard to think that. I still have a traumatic memory of feeling frustrated with my mom when she was dying and experiencing dementia from the stroke/cancer combo. She kept calling for her brothers, one of which was dead (shot in the head). I had to keep reminding her they weren’t here. One day the frustration slipped into my voice. She had one of those semi lucid moments in which she pleaded with me to not be angry. It broke my heart then. It still hurts now to think of it, 22 years later.

But anger is the body’s way of telling you something is wrong and needs changing. My body is not where it needs to be. Which is probably partially why I’m experiencing this foot pain on the ball of my foot whenever I’m doing lunges. The podiatrist diagnosed it as a bone spur and had me put into special sole inserts to help correct the orientation of my foot. The thing is I’m not super convinced it is helping. The doc wasn’t familiar with Bulgarian split squats (and he’s on the larger size) which is leaving me a little less confident. Also it doesn’t help that my insurance didn’t pay for these rather expensive inserts. And they squeak like clown shoes.

Anyway. Back to my anger. I’m using that anger to keep on my 5:30 am bootcamp workouts. I’ve always been the most successful with these. It just gets really hard to that and be involved in social stuff. I just need stronger boundaries and more rigidness. I have a hard cut off at 9pm. That’s it. Once I get gym access at the office, I’ll be doing that after work. The at home stuff isn’t working with the constant crap that stacks up front.

I also want to be at home less. I’m getting stressed out with my wife’s issues. I don’t want to be around for it. I still have those writing aspirations and it is just not going to happen at home. So to that effect, for the nights I don’t have a game to DM, I’m going to find a place outside and bring my laptop and work on my writing. I’ll leave my wife the option to come along with and use the time to do something that’ll make her feel long term productive, but I am not waiting for her. She had a choice. Stay home in the same fucking loop or take a risk on failure and do something more. Once upon a time she was inspired by what I did and used that energy to better herself. Now she mopes. I’m going to send out those letters for her therapist hunt and let that person talk to her. From then on, she can choose to do something or not.

Meanwhile, I’m hungry to do more with my life. I’m thankful my main job takes care of me and respects my time. But I still have that dream to publish some books. It isn’t going to happen without change. Change is uncomfortable. But I can look at the long game. I want to lean out again. I was there, and I could actually look at myself for a bit and not cringe. That’s more important than eating crap food or looping through the same old games that can’t even present a good story.

I’m loading a new program. I hope whoever reads this can do the same.

And finally, a song to go with this. I’ve been looping this as well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwywLJAVj2E&ab_channel=Halocene

7.28.22 how do I know what I think…

Posted on by lionwolfbird

The other day while burning some distraction cycles on one of those dating app (if you’re new here, hi I’m polyamorous) and i ran across a profile with a group photo that included an ex. There were feelings as you can imagine. And so to enact one of my favorite quotes, I write to see what I say.

I don’t feel hate. But I still feel swells of anger when she surfaces onto my consciousness. While I can understand how her behavior came from a past that included trauma and dealing with narcissistic personalities, it does not excuse it. I did not have to tolerate unexpected verbal lashings, shaming, gas lighting, and attempt reinforcement of toxic masculinity traits (e.g. “I should be able to have my temper tantrums without it effecting you ” and questioning whether I was “dom enough” because I could feel sad).

I allowed myself to feel the kind of emotion I hadn’t felt since I was a teenager. It was a kind of love. Not the secure trusting love I find myself in now, but the burning passion type instead. The kind that led to me having an overwhelming need to vent those emotions in form of prose and poem when a physical outlet was not possibe. I understood romantic poets a lot more during that time. I made honest mistakes since I wasn’t at my clearest mentally. Instead of making them moments to learn from, they became arrows of shame to be shot at me, again and again. I became vulnerable to her and it fully taken advantage of to cause maximum harm. That is why I became so focused on building my boundaries afterwards.

As I’ve often done in the past, I channel those potentially more damaging emotions into more useful activities. When I feel the anger and shame well up, I redirect them into my fitness efforts. I guess in a fucked up way I can thank her for reinforcing that aspect of myself.

When I had my first major success in weight loss (80 lbs in a year), I had this thought implanted in my mind by a coworkers back when I interned at an airport. “Your mind is only as strong as your body”. That idea has been my solace when I encounter hard times. That same idea is playing out when she enters my mind. I recognize it. I wasn’t weak but my past traumas were exploited. My fitness journey includes reinforcing my psyche. Because I know how the universe works. Despite my cutting her out of my life for my own safety, I know that someday I’ll run into her again. I need to be as sure about myself as I can be.

I won’t allow her to find anymore chinks in the armor I create for myself. I have people in my life who love me and celebrate me for who I am, flaws and all.

10-13-21 Feeling More Introspective Today

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’m not going to get too deep into this right now since I should probably be doing more work stuff, but I do find my brain making some sort of connection when it comes to predicting a type of human behavior. The term “Righteous Superiority” has been bouncing around the inside of my skull lately, a term Hank Green used on a video discussing FB after it went down for a day and the issues with it and social media. Here’s the link if you, random internet person, want to look at it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJtNmd1kV44&ab_channel=vlogbrothers.

Basically, it seems that people from all the different “Tribes” have a tendency to want to shame other tribe individuals into compliance with their views. This seems to be in disregard of facts, and sometimes in direct defiance to it. This occurs on all forms of social media, as far as I can tell. But when I think back, it has really always been the human condition. It’s no wonder I get such intense anxiety around groups of people. Whether deserved or not, I’ve been subject to group hate and/or exclusion many a time growing up. And it is known that (I can find some articles to back this claim up later, remind me) being exiled from a social group hits the same path as physical pain in our brains. There’s another thread to pull on depression as a result of that, but I won’t go into that now.

Fast forward a bit and I notice my previous trainer (cool black dude originally from the ghetto, something I only bring up because of what is coming up ahead in this blog post) linked a meme regarding Chappelle’s Netflix special “The Closer”. I don’t normally keep up with these things, and it was a meme joke so I promptly forgot it. Then as I was doing some work today and opened up firefox to do admin work, I noticed an article by GQ basically trashing it. What is it they say about negative attention being just as valuable?

Moving on, I found myself compelled to give it a watch. This article by time gives a view on it that comes close to matching mine: https://time.com/6105951/dave-chappelle-netflix-controversy/. It feels less like a comedy and more like a mental challenge…and if you read this blog any, you know I’m all about that shit.

What this brought me back to, strangely enough, was the game “The Last of Us 2”. It too had the issue of not having an obvious villain, and it receives a ton of flak for it from online communities. I viewed it as an exercise in empathy while dealing with opposing viewpoints. I understand how uncomfortable that can be.

I’m seeing all of these things as connected. Shaming people into compliance doesn’t work. It never has. The only thing that seems to have a chance, but it too backfires as most people in social contexts look to posture themselves for their given tribes, is experiencing other peoples’ lives. This is why I think stories from different view points are so important.

Changing someone else’s mind rarely seems possible. They gotta change it themselves.

For the record, I’m a 2nd generation hispanic cis het guy.

Changes 4-13-2020

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I can’t guarantee that I will never say anything offensive again. But what I can do is much more frequently seek feedback on how someone is feeling during or after a discussion. In fact, that should be my go to filler. It is only through getting a more accurate picture of how my words and actions effect someone that I can predict what can hurt and hopefully prevent it.

7-17-19 catch up

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Life got busy and I found myself lacking the time to even just complete a text dump here. I’m not sure where to start.

Poly stuff has put me in a strange place recently. I met someone 3 weeks ago who was surprisingly forward for what I’m used to dealing with. And now it has hit this strange super casual thing which I’m not comfortable with. It is difficult for me to feel for anyone over the ocassional short text every few days. Even if they’re “sweet” texts, I don’t feel right trying to reply in the same way. It isn’t authentic. I guess it would be difficult to work anyway as she has a much different life style than I do, so our interests and passions don’t align. It is mostly a chemistry thing. I’m aware most guys would love that sort of setup, but not me. I need to feel that mental connection. Whatever other relationship I get into has to bring the best out of me in someway. Or at least something positive. With Amber it at least encouraged my art exploration.

And then we pan over to this new person. We’ll use page as a name. We haven’t met in person yet she puts forwardness on a whole new level. She has some kinks that honestly could get me in trouble if things go wrong. She’s also been very frequent and intense in her communications and seems to expect the same from me. In addition, going back to my earlier thought, I’m not sure interactions with her will bring out the good parts of me. I’m worried it’ll bring out something really bad instead. And not the “hot” kind of bad. I do have a meet up planned this Saturday. My instinct is telling me to be careful. I should heed that.

Financial stuff has been challenging, but I think there is a good plan going. I ended up taking out a consolidation loan. I had decided against it earlier, but after getting fucked by the IRS and state tax, I’m down 9k and all due in a short time. So with this, I can hold them off and get my cc debts down so I stop bleeding out in interest. At the rate things were going, it would be years of making little headway. After a year of this loan (of 3) I should already be cutting ahead in terms of interest saved.

This leads into budget management. I think I already wrote on this earlier. I configured custom budgets in mint for play money for the wife, myself, and a couple fund. This was a fresh month. Wife is already capped on her budget. So this is where the real test begins. Will she stay disciplined or do I have to take cards away?

I’m still worried about her health too. I get work and school have robbed her of all time. The school is meant to be the ticket out of her job and ultimately debt situation. But she is still paying the health price now, and I am not sure if that damage can be recovered from when time opens up.