Emotion

12.24.24 Still here

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I haven’t written here for a while. I happen to have tonight alone and I don’t have work or an agenda to distract me. My wife has headed off to see her partner for xmas eve.

It has been a long tough year. Even in spite of the breakups from last year, I feel like this year was harder. There was certainly a lot of big changes that were well intentioned but ended up just putting me in financially hard positions. Emotionally hard ones too. I really should start doing those “Morning Pages” again, an idea I learned from “The Artist’s Way”. Artistic practice aside, I need to journal my life more because my memory is just not as great I feel. For that reason, I’m not going to try a month by month recap of what happened. It would take too long.

On the health side of things, I worked with a PT for most of the year. I didn’t really lose much in the way of weight, but I did get stronger and gained more confidence with building my workouts for strength purposes. I was able to make a bit of progress on my chest development with changes in my grip positions. Part of the financial/home situation eventually made it so I could no longer continue with PT or the regular full gym I was going to, and with the whole move and holiday wombo combo I gained some weight. I’m not happy about that. It is a vicious cycle. Maybe it’ll stop now with no more Halloween candy craziness. I’ll need a more aggressive plan for the holiday leftovers of doom though.

Home and finances have not been great. It has been a bit of a rollercoaster really. Originally, my wife, her partner (we sort of have a thing too, but I don’t feel right calling her a partner so I just refer to her as my wife’s partner), and I had this plan about combining finances to try to get a leg up on things and get into a bigger house together. The whole “poly dream” as it were. N (wife’s partner) was making decent money and stood to make even more once they moved in with us. The plan was they’d pay rent, and we’d pool down payment money and leverage our house value to move into a nice bigger place that wasn’t out in the boonies. Of course, it didn’t happen that way. N moved in, but didn’t pay anything and the communication was just shit. Their plans kept changing too, and it was rarely ever directly communicated with me but rather my wife had to be this strange in between for communication. The changed plans made it so N’s spouse would be moving in too (originally it was going to be just us 3 and they would figure out their own stuff…it was never clear if they were separating or not). Suddenly the requirement was 7 cats and a dog. Then before long, add another dog. And still no money as their partner did nothing with their home back in Fl.

I could go on for a long while on all the unnecessary BS I was put through. Oh, and my wife changed jobs…which was good originally as her previous employer was toxic and the drive was very unhealthy for her…but after the 6 month contract was up, there was no more work and she has still yet to find a new full time job. So I was supporting 2 full grown adults all by myself, and technically a proxy 3rd. This shit is getting fucking old.

Eventually, and rather quickly now that I look at what few private journal entries I wrote, I had some major anxious breakdowns. I made the choice to call off the whole group housing initiative. I couldn’t handle living with them as is, and I knew their financially situation well enough that living together would be untenable even with their selling off their old home. My wife and I took out a heloc to pay off some major debts, do a few much needed repairs on the house, and took the route of renting a home with just her and I. We are renting out the old house to N and their spouse (we did make them sign a legally binding rental contract). It’s been nearly a couple months, and to no fucking surprise they still haven’t paid rent. They do have a close date on their old house. I do expect to be, at minimum, paid the rent they owe as tenants after the close. We’ll see how that goes.

Relationship-wise, I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo. I had started dating someone new (“L”) around June. We connected a lot on mental health topics and they seemed really into me. I think I may have been operating from a place of loneliness as while I liked them, I never felt quite safe and supported around them. Maybe my subconscious recognized the controlling behavior signs before my logical brain finally did. Things were going “okay” until E came into my life. E is a great person. I do love her, and she’s one of those people I have a lot of respect for. She’s been through a lot of hardship, and has worked hard on improving her self and healing from all the trauma she’s been through. She owns her shit, and I admire/respect people that can do that. After our 3rd date, L started having problems and started pushing for some sort of parity. I went to an event with E for one thing, suddenly L had to have us do the same thing the next day. There were a lot of things she was trying to push me into doing or saying that I was not ready for. Layer that with the major home stressors, and I started having a hard repulsion to her that no amount of logic would undo. I dreaded conversations with her. I tried to push for distance and time, to see if after the move my nervous system would calm down and disassociate L with all the other stressors. But it didn’t happen, or at least didn’t happen quickly enough. So they broke it off, “I need to be with someone that wants to be with me”. I don’t blame her for it, and to be honest, it was a relief.

Things with E have been going well. Yet, I still feel like something is missing. I don’t feel supported/valued the way I did with H. I don’t feel the mind numbing attraction I had with C (or S for that matter, though S had major emotional instability issues that made it not worth it/not safe). While at least I don’t feel trapped in my home, things are still tight financially while my wife isn’t working and N’s finance situation is in question until their close date. I think I need another person in my life but I just don’t feel ready for it right now.

All I can do right now is refocus on my health. I’m planning to double down on those early morning workouts. I’m going for a 4/2 build. 4 bootcamp days, 2 strength training days (push/pull + leg/shoulders). I really need to lean down and that means more cardio (hiit really) and reduced calories overall. The more important thing about this strategy is the consistency. Plus there is a bit of community with the smaller classes I’ve been going to. I was able to gain about 2 lbs a week starting early Oct and ending today. I should be able to do the reverse of this. I have enough fat stores to be able to take it until I get into the 180s. I gotta do my own thing for a while.

Hopefully 2025 goes better. The big plan is to sell our old house. With the expected gain from that, at least my income alone will hold things together…barely.

10.9.23 struggling today

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Honestly, I’ve been struggling for a little while now, but it just feels more acute today. At the core of it all is the belief that I’m just not my best self.

The challenges I face, some of which i know are common for a lot of people today.

My physical health is not where I want it. I have been there before and then somehow I lost it. I know the changing then loss of a pt was partly the cause. The changing of the environment at home was another major factor

My finances are not doing well. I took out a debt consolidation loan early this year to clear out my cc debt and now I’m nearly back where i started 6 months later. This is not sustainable. There were house emergencies that played a big role true, but those will always be a problem with home ownership. I should be able to have a good enough overall net income to save for these inevitable events…but I don’t. Even if my wife made more and was able to contribute an equal amount, I don’t think we’d make enough. I need to force the financial review asap. Comparing a mortgage cost to rent is not enough. The comparison does not account for those maintenance costs. I’m not sure how to get ahead. And with N possibly moving in soon with her cats, an apartment setup can’t work…we could never get away with 5 cats. While N is still here I should chat and present our financial challenge in the future, at least so they are clear on what they might be coming into.

Relationship-wise, I’m definitely feeling the loneliness…the incompleteness. Trying to put effort into poly dating right now feels pointless. How can I give live if I have trouble loving myself? I know my health and financial security are big parts of that. I don’t ever expect to become jacked (though that would be nice to experience once) and I know I’ll never be rich…but I’d like to know that I can focus on building savings rather than struggling just to get cc debt down. There was a time before the house that I wasn’t struggling just to keep up. I weathered several storms as a result. I’d like to get back there. I’m just not sure how yet.

Something I’m seriously considering doing is pausing my dnd games. At least for a few months. I can’t provide a good experience if I’m so worried about the near future. I need to put that time into righting the ship, as it were.

Asidd from the gym stuff, I need to put focus on cutting costs and selling off things we don’t use. A big thing is to kill the storage unit, which is costing us way too much now. I also think i should get back into dance as a supplement to my gym and boxing stuff. I know I’m happiest when I keep moving.

It’s kinda like playing a pvp game against my depression. I have to keep moving, or it will get me.

7.29.23 The Trip

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I tried out psilocybin this morning. I had a partner’s support and did it in the safety of my own bedroom and under close supervision. This is my attempt to capture what I saw and some of the meaning I was able to get from it.

At first, I felt tired. More so than just the relative short night would indicate. My memories are already starting to get a little hazy, like trying to capture a dream. Only this was some type of waking dream. A day dream, but only something more. The covers I was under turned into a sort of translucent space ship…space vessel? I wasn’t exactly going through space, not as pop-culture/media defines it anyway. I had the sensation I was on a journey. A guest (maybe the shrooms? Maybe something else entirely) would speak to me now and then. Short words.

Must move. Must fix. Explore. Pioneer. We fix.

But before we could truly leave, there was one hitch. My feelings around the loss of Steph came into focus. I was told I needed to let go. She was okay. She is somewhere in the place between places…where we will be going and someday you’ll cross paths again. Not in this life…or really this leg of life. I got the sensation that this reality…this timeline…is all moving in one direction. Like we’re all in our own space ships within a greater whole. Then some of us have to get off the current ride, for a bit. We float off to this side tunnel and get out. Only to get back on the great ride. We all see each other again in some form. I felt myself crying. Not that sobbing weeping crying. I don’t think anyway. I was able to move on.

I’m not sure why my trip took on this space travel trip, or relied heavily on related metaphors, but it did. I myself floating in this ship through a type of space. It wasn’t outer space, though it reminded me of it. I could see what looked like those great big nebulas and gasses in space. Only that wasn’t what they were. The entire reality was composed of sinewy like threads. It wasn’t bloody or gross. I was looking at an infrastructure. My own infrastructure. The guests in my mind were guiding me in this type of tour. I had the impression I was looking from the inside out through my own brain. The processes I was seeing was the same thing that happened every night during REM sleep. Only now, everything slowed down and I could see it all. My mind was going through a type of maintenace. All the fiberrous threads I saw were part of my reality…my memories. And they spread out infinitely. After a while of floating around this type of mother ship, I got the idea that this was the infrastructure for all of reality. The space in between, or just underneath. As my physical body moved and I felt the presence of my partner nearby (though I was blind folded, I could still “see” them as an outline in my periphreal). The process had my physical body stretch and jerk every so often. Each of those movements changed the reality around me. The music that was played in the background…soft music with choruses, also changed and directed the scene. Expansive voices would grab my reality, like hands, and spread it open more. Showing me all the infinites within the minor details of it all. This is what my brain was constantly working on. It was a miracle it worked in the first place. When the music got quiet, I could feel the space condense. I found myself in the smallest sections of whatever ship I was on. Wait here, I could feel the presence communicate with me.

All throughout this scene, I could see many colors. I could understand the joke about people “seeing colors”. My senses of touch, movement, and sound all changed what I saw. Every so often I had to go to the bathroom, which my partner helped me find. Moving around because I was blind folded wasn’t the challenge. The challenge was trying to navigate both the physical space and this mind space at the same time. There were times I could see myself from the outside. But it wasn’t me as a person. I was in this type of space suit, only the head part resembled that of a random insect. It wasn’t scary or grosteque. It just was.

My partner made mention of having epiphanies during the episode. I certainly had some. In this mindspace, I could see what felt like different dimensions. I could mainly see from one dimension, but I was aware there were more. I became aware of multiple timelines. I could not directly interact with them…but I could tap on the glass between the spaces. That tap on the glass in this reality was that 2nd guess, or gut feeling, someone else would feel in another reality. Maybe it was me reaching out to the other mes? I wasn’t sure.

My big take away was the polarity between the individual and the collective. This whole inner space I traveled in was a type of mother ship that contained all of us. Not just people mind you. All being, alive or not. A ship of our reality. It was moving somewhere as a collective. I couldn’t tell where it was going to but it seemed important. Reality as a whole was moving as a collective somewhere.  But there were always dangers on the route.  The collective could not correct by itself.  It would not.  It was in its’ nature to stay together.  Enter the individual.  The one who separates from the group.  They were the ones that would pull the collective onto the better path.  The collective fought with every ounce of its’ being.  But it was a necessary conflict.

Story tellers are those individuals. They present the other realities. The other ways. Many in our reality find that change highly threatening. But it is necessary. Not all conflict is bad. Once the individual has pulled the collective over, they again became part of the collective as it assimilated their view. The cycle would continue again and again like this.

And now this storm in the real threatens to cut off this exploration. So I’m going to take a break. I think I’ve hit the end of the trip recollection in any case.

The guest found something…fixed something within me. A connection made strong again. There are stories to tell.

5-24-23 Survive

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Before I get into my rant, some good news for me. I switched back to intermittent fasting + high protein/low-moderate carb diet at ~1500-1600 calories and a goal of 170-190g protein. I’m also focused on getting about ~15k steps a day along with my mix of bootcamp, boxing, and strength training sessions. I do seem to be making progress. I just want to say “fuck off” to those completely reliant on calculators. The 2100 calories was not working for me for weight loss. It might be a fine maintenance calorie intake at my normal activity level and might be a thing to do when I switch to a heavy strength training focus instead, but that is not my goal right now. I want to say those 2 months on the “Shed” program were wasted…but in a way they weren’t. It told me that I can’t rely on god damn groupthink. I’ve been doing this for a while and monitoring how my body reacts to different diet/workout combinations. I have to have faith in myself.

On to the rant. I’m in a no bullshit kind of mood today. I’m surrounded by a lot of “neurospicy” folks that almost constantly seem to be posting something that supports their “oh woe is me, I have this condition and it makes everything so much harder!”. I’m done with that. Your friends on X social media might jump in to agree with you, but the world does not fucking care. I grew up in a chaotic poor household. I lost my mom when I was 18. I have no innate physical talents. I have more than my fair share of social anxiety. I had all the fucking excuses in the world to be a useless stick in the mud growing up. What would that have gotten me had social media been a thing back then? I’d either be homeless or in another chaotic household as I found a way to just survive. Or maybe I’d be dead more likely the way my body was going back then. Probably at my own hand come to think of it. This is fucked up to say, but maybe depression’s result of suicide is a weird sort of mercy. If you stop trying, the brain doesn’t want to suffer needlessly anymore and so it finds a way out for no other solutions are possible. I’m either too stubborn or maybe too much of an iconoclast to want to give in now.

You gotta fight every fucking day to make it anywhere. And it’s better that way is my thinking now.

5.16.23 fitness journey

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’m looping this song while I write this next idea: https://open.spotify.com/track/2pCs1SFdcWgJkVb8e0MatL?si=MUH1BN-xTAyUkaDdLDS0zA

I finally hit 202 today. I’m doing this by placing faith in myself and my analytical abilities. I was going to wait until tomorrow to quit that program, figuring a boxing class in the morning would hype me up enough to take on the possible push back I get. But I’m going to do that today.

2nd, I’m worried about my wife’s health. Which isn’t a new thing but she did have a pretty bad acid reflux episode last night and I know things will only get worse as we get older. I remembered a thing my father said about my sister’s ex partner. Something about the guy needing to be forward, not in a violent domineering way, but in a get things done manner when it came to good behavior habits. And so I think this may have to be the path I take.

I’m not a trainer. But I know how to be consistent. If I use evening sessions at gg for str training, I could get my wife to go. I can build programs in Strong now and get them exported to another user. Then it is just a case of making her go. Here’s my calendar plan:

  • Monday
    • Pm: pull
  • Tuesday
  • Wednesday
    • Pm: push
  • Thursday
    • (Me) deadlift day
  • Friday
  • Saturday
    • Legs am
  • Sunday
    • Kickboxing?

A big part of this is going to be getting her to walk regularly and have a diet plan. I’m not going to make her log like I do but there must be some sort of strategy. For her, low carb has been the most successful. Not because it is inherently special in any way, it is just easier to do.

I need a report on her walking. I’m going to have to be annoying and keep on her case to make sure there is a baseline to work on

And the weigh-in. It does matter. I’m planning to get an analog scale for weighing out cat litter but it can be useful for this too.

I know the conventional logic is you can’t get people to help themselves. But what is the alternative? Watch her suffer and deteriorate and be miserable when I know it can be prevented? I’m tired of listening to everyone else. Time to do my thing.

5-8-23 fitness journey

Posted on by lionwolfbird

It’s been what, a month since my last update? My mind is still a little bogged down with the breakup. It might be in part my anxiety around the possibility of having to confront them later come ren faire season. While I know they didn’t super care about my fitness level, it still matters to me and it serves as a sort of bulwark against the mental anguish. It isn’t so much just the aethestics but rather how I’m able to take this goal many people struggle with and accomplish something. To show that no matter what bs gets thrown my way, I find a way perserve and get better than I ever was before.

Right now I’m doing that shed program. It’s been a little over a month and I am not impressed. I’m taking what little bit of knowledge I’ve gained from it and going back to my own thing. Upping my calories to 2100 just showed me what my maintenance is. I have a deadline to meet. The guy running it seems to be focused more on body count than quality. I get he has a business to run, but I don’t have to settle for a shitty product in return. I’m going to drop my calories to about 1800 with a focus on high protein. And put more time into the kickboxing classes I’ve started on.

2.12.23 diet journal + RANDOM ENCOUNTER

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Friday night didn’t go as well as I hoped, though it could have also been much worse. I’m not going to put the log for that day down since I ate out afterwards and had no real way to track my main meal plus the apps I nommed on as well. I did at least try to go low carb as possible. I had a steak salad and some chicken wings. I also ate a bit of my partner’s fries and my wife’s onion rings. Though to try to be a bit more compassion to myself, I had just gotten through an intense moment. Just earlier in the evening I had to call 911 and mentally prepare myself to fight off a pack of teens.

I should probably rewind a little.

After the improv event, we (my wife, my partner, and an old roommate) decided to drive to a nearby restaurant (Note to self: try to anticipate eat out events and eat significantly less during the day to compensate). We were driving through a nice seeming neighborhood with a bunch of townhomes everywhere and even a little lake called “Inspiration Lake”. There were literal white picket fences everywhere, which also makes me think the HOA in the area must rule with an ironfist.

As we turned a corner, we saw this group of about 10 or so caucasian teens in what seemed like some sort of melee. There was a teen girl on the floor. I wasn’t able to register much more than that before my partner with big Gryffindor energy jumped out of the car to intervene. They told me to call 911 right now. I could feel my usual fine motor controls starting to slip away as the adrenaline in my body started to build. I also realized that I never had to call 911 for a real emergency before. I had only ever done test calls when setting up phone systems for work. I clumsily tapped through the phone interface and dialed 911. As the call started to go out, I looked up and saw my partner right inside the pack. I could hear what I assumed to be the lead male teen apologizing. The pack started to separate and walk down the alleyway and around the corner. My partner followed them as the teen continued to apologize. Alarm bells in my head started going off as I realized I was potentially going to lose line of sight on all the people. So I got out of the car, phone making a weird screeching sound in my ear, and followed. Since I was so focused on the call, I had not gotten a good look at the body language of all the people involved and so I couldn’t tell what the odds of violence were…but I was very worried. I felt my body bracing.

Normally when it comes to fight or flight responses, my go to is Freeze, then Flight when possible. That functioned well enough in my solo life. But now I found myself in a situation when someone I loved was at potential risk. That is a *much* different feeling. I suppose this is where my Slytherin kicks in. Left to my own devices, I would have honestly not gotten involved. I have a ton of traumas around groups of people, which is where the flight response has been so handy. But my loyalty to the people I care about the most overrides everything else.

While it isn’t the same case, I feel I can better understand parents when it comes to their children being at risk (at least in that direct obvious to see way). This reminded me that I really do need to get back into functional martial arts training. Especially if I do end up having a kid. While I might be able to talk my way out of a situation and have a strong enough danger sense to avoid situations that involve violence, the ones I care about might not.

Back to the stats.

1.2.23 Reflections on 2022

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Time to reflect on the past year. If for no other reason, to understand where I was and how I got to where I am now. I think I might break this down by month.

  • January
    • I was experiencing depression and loneliness.
    • I was doing a lot of work on undoing the damage left by a narcissist ex
    • I noted how important a high step count was to my weight maintenance. I should focus on that again, especially since the weather is nicer right now.
    • I was struggling with my wife’s emotional availability (she had her own challenges).
    • I started talking with H again. They were going through surgery and I wanted to support them as a friend. I had thoughts of Stefy and how important it was to be there for a friend even if there had been romantic feelings in the past.
    • I started scheming on how to bring Actual Cannibal Shia Labeouf into one of my D&D games.
    • I started taking local improv classes (workshop, ~once a month)
    • I think I was already back in the work office. I was dealing with security issues mostly. This was in the old building.
    • I had a covid scare
  • February
    • H and I got back together. I think I struggled opening up emotionally for a little while since I had been abandoned before.
    • I think I was actively training in SF and Kenpo
    • I put together my digital map case. I made a fun bridge encounter. The party was body blocked by trolls on one side and ogres on the other. The giants were arguing amongst each other on who owned the toll bridge. Meanwhile, the weight caused the bridge to start collapsing in random chunks. I rolled on a grid axis to determine which board fell. One of them was under a player. They made their dex save to not fall in. Eventually, they convinced the giants to form an LLC and got through.
    • I hit a PR on a 275 lb deadlift.
    • I had a talk with V and broke things off.
  • March
    • Things going well between H and I.
    • I think this was when I wrote that big kink negotiation document.
    • I built a pyramid scene using the 5 room model. It was a lot of work but I was proud of it.
    • I had a busy schedule between bootcamp, str training, kenpo, and online improv.
    • I replaced my laptop for a new one.
    • I got a new backpack with straps from REI. It helped quite a bit.
    • I was talking with Mia more.
  • April
    • H went on a 3 week cross country tour
    • I spent some time learning how to work with the levels module in Foundryvtt. It was cool but ultimately only useful for online only games. It had a lot of issues working correctly for in-person games.
  • May
    • Started on massage sessions
    • Attended wedding for my sis-in-law
    • I had a good connection with a striper. I wrote about the emotional experience in hopes I could write it into a story later.
    • Got together with J unexpectedly. Seems to be a comet situation.
    • Narrowly avoided Covid
    • Got reminded of my ex while browsing through munch meetups. Reminded me how important it is to be careful with the relationships I get into.
  • June
    • I was struggling with sleep. I had plans to get my home gym going but it never really happened effectively.
    • It looks like this was my busiest soldierfit month. 16 sessions. This doesn’t include my gold’s sessions. I’d like to see if I can beat that record this month.
  • July
    • I started talking with C again and went out on a date (well, hangout…I avoid calling these things dates to avoid implicit expectations)
    • I got surprised by a yard project my wife had gotten a quote for. I was frustrated, but ultimately let it through. It did prompt a financial review. That project ended up being a scam though, and we got conned out of that money. It hurt. My wife learned to always check licenses for contract work in the future.
    • My ex showed up again on a dating app (not her profile, but she was in group photos). It spurred more painful memories. I wrote about it and doubled down on my fitness goals.
    • I think I started experiencing foot pain (later turned out to be a bone spur, requiring orthodontic fitting to help mitigate)
    • I did a good gnoll voice that surprised my wife.
  • August
    • I got sick with some kind of flu. It wasn’t covid. The coughing was pretty bad. It came after attending the wedding of a friend.
    • ren faire season began. I didn’t make the weight I wanted to. I was able to still wear the pants at least. My wings never came.
    • I put a post out about accountability buddies for fitness stuff. A few people responded.
  • September
    • Took a trip to Ocean City with the wife and her partner N. Things became more physical/romantic with N and I. It was nice.
    • My sister made plans put down her old dog.
    • H attended ren faire with me several times this season. Looking at my writing, I noticed my depression stopped coming up. I still struggled with thoughts of my ex and how I was hurt. But I also finally accepted I was in a good stable relationship with H.
    • With H’s help, I got better with eye make up and tried several different looks through ren faire.
  • October
    • I met A at an event at the ren faire. We had met first on an app, and it seemed to be another dead end connection. But they came up to me at the event and apologized about it. We got along pretty well and made tentative plans to meet up again in the future.
    • I had some stress with the office move prep.
    • I went ham on halloween decorations and did a haunted walk through our backyard. I was proud of it.
  • November
    • Moved to the new office building. I had to be there the entire week the first week. I ended up catching Covid for the first time after that. It took me about a week to recover. I had the bivalent vaccine a month before and took paxlovid.
    • Before I got sick, I see I had some sort of argument with my wife. I didn’t want to come home as much.
  • December.
    • Had a great New Years spent with H and my wife. It was chill
    • I got a lot of DND/writing work done. I started using worldographer and Dungeon Alchemist. I might get back on Dungeon Draft soon too. The world stuff will be useful for my scifi world.

So all in all, I think 2022 went well. Fitness-wise it did not go great. But I have this year for that. I also really want to make progress on a book this year. I tried to make 10k words for the world ember went but did not make it in time. but H pointed out that 10k words is 1/4th of a novel. I had made 4k words with just my short story without realizing it. Writing a novel isn’t as far out of reach as I thought. I have hope for this year.

11.3.22 How Hungry are You?

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This is the mantra that is repeating in my head right now.

Many years ago I had a palm reading done. While I don’t believe in any of the mysticism associated with that, tarot card reading, and general psychic mumbo jumbo, the prompts do offer a chance to reflect. Maybe not in the present, but it does come back around. One of the main things that stuck with me was the reader’s comment on how I have the ability to change my program, unlike a lot of people.

I had a bit of a spat with my wife last night over her fears of failure, adhd, and her dependence on external validation. I got a bit rankled towards the end when she accused me of not listening (maybe it was the format in which it was delivered that got to me, “You aren’t listening” vs “I’m not feeling heard”). I was also annoyed by her loop of heavy gaming on diablo/overwatch, which I admit is a bit ironic considering my heavy gaming when I was much younger. I recognize it as an ultimately unhealthy coping mechanism. If she was playing with a regular group of people (social engagement, which was crucial for me getting out of a severe depression when I was a teen), or even jumping between different games for different experiences (new ideas/experiences can spark creativity…input leads to output) that would be a more fulfilling experience. Then she complains about her health and general satisfaction with life when she does nothing to make it better. Just sticks to the same damn loop. I tried to help, but that just backfires. I need to let go and let her figure it out. Or maybe she won’t. I just can’t keep carrying.

I still felt that anger lingering this morning. It was more directed at myself. Something I just remembered now that anger isn’t always bad. It can be hard to think that. I still have a traumatic memory of feeling frustrated with my mom when she was dying and experiencing dementia from the stroke/cancer combo. She kept calling for her brothers, one of which was dead (shot in the head). I had to keep reminding her they weren’t here. One day the frustration slipped into my voice. She had one of those semi lucid moments in which she pleaded with me to not be angry. It broke my heart then. It still hurts now to think of it, 22 years later.

But anger is the body’s way of telling you something is wrong and needs changing. My body is not where it needs to be. Which is probably partially why I’m experiencing this foot pain on the ball of my foot whenever I’m doing lunges. The podiatrist diagnosed it as a bone spur and had me put into special sole inserts to help correct the orientation of my foot. The thing is I’m not super convinced it is helping. The doc wasn’t familiar with Bulgarian split squats (and he’s on the larger size) which is leaving me a little less confident. Also it doesn’t help that my insurance didn’t pay for these rather expensive inserts. And they squeak like clown shoes.

Anyway. Back to my anger. I’m using that anger to keep on my 5:30 am bootcamp workouts. I’ve always been the most successful with these. It just gets really hard to that and be involved in social stuff. I just need stronger boundaries and more rigidness. I have a hard cut off at 9pm. That’s it. Once I get gym access at the office, I’ll be doing that after work. The at home stuff isn’t working with the constant crap that stacks up front.

I also want to be at home less. I’m getting stressed out with my wife’s issues. I don’t want to be around for it. I still have those writing aspirations and it is just not going to happen at home. So to that effect, for the nights I don’t have a game to DM, I’m going to find a place outside and bring my laptop and work on my writing. I’ll leave my wife the option to come along with and use the time to do something that’ll make her feel long term productive, but I am not waiting for her. She had a choice. Stay home in the same fucking loop or take a risk on failure and do something more. Once upon a time she was inspired by what I did and used that energy to better herself. Now she mopes. I’m going to send out those letters for her therapist hunt and let that person talk to her. From then on, she can choose to do something or not.

Meanwhile, I’m hungry to do more with my life. I’m thankful my main job takes care of me and respects my time. But I still have that dream to publish some books. It isn’t going to happen without change. Change is uncomfortable. But I can look at the long game. I want to lean out again. I was there, and I could actually look at myself for a bit and not cringe. That’s more important than eating crap food or looping through the same old games that can’t even present a good story.

I’m loading a new program. I hope whoever reads this can do the same.

And finally, a song to go with this. I’ve been looping this as well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwywLJAVj2E&ab_channel=Halocene