Self-Development

Positivity 2019

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’m trying a new thing after a realization last night. Short of it is that after I saw Sara briefly after my SF session, and I wanted to be friendly and say hi. Besides her being unfairly cute (not necessarily in the sexy way), I appreciated her physical fitness and have been wanting to make more friends with people who care about their bodies. Anyhow…that voice interrupted in my head before I could say anything and made me believe that she (and anyone for that matter) would instantly dislike any attention from me specifically. So I did that “I got other stuff to do” routine and bailed.

As I walked, I started to think on why I think that way? Why is my gut reaction that no one wants to hear from me? Why can’t I flip that around and approach it from the angle that people actually want to hear from me? How can I fix the spectrum of my self-esteem to be on the positive rather than negative?

Sometime that same day, I was idly putzing around on OKC and noticed a new person on my list (because I haven’t been active in messaging or likes/dislikes, my list is normally static). Reading the profile, she seemed like someone I could have stimulating conversation with, and she was just interested in friends and did not care for hookups… which at this stage I really appreciate. The other thing I caught on to was the lack of overt negativity.

I thought more about that as I looked at other profiles and noted how many start by complaining about the kind of people they don’t like.

So I started thinking I should start positive and note my good traits. That, of course, is where I ran into problems. I don’t know how to write about myself in the positive all too well. And so, I’ll be creating a sticky post listing those traits, and positive things people have said about me. I’m going to pull a Pokemon and collect them all!

Maybe I can smother that darkness by overwhelming it with contradictory information. I’m sort of seeing the climax scene in “Flight of Dragons” with the bad guy being beat by math and logic.

New Years, goal recalibrations

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I started the new year with a 2 hour soldierfit session. It reminded me that I need rash guards… because 2 hours of sweating the way I do plus running in the cold = OUCH MY NIPS

I am going to revise this post a few times then pin it when I have sorted out my new goals. First I need to acknowledge what I did accomplish last year, and what I learned. That will help inform the stepping stone goals I need to set in order to get to the bigger goals. For example, I was able to get to 15 clean pushups last year, starting at none at the start of the year. I still want to get to 50. So I figure 30 by April should be an ok goal. I’ll aim to up my Max by 1-2 a week. I just need to put this stuff in bullet form.

I’m also planning to get back into martial arts this year (ikca Kenpo). This means I won’t have much in the way of evenings open. I want to achieve new heights with my body… figuratively and literally. That means dedicating myself to my fitness goals now.

That’ll also mean less time for gaming. I’m giving up on twitch. I don’t need to sacrifice my time and health to find an audience. I think I am beyond needing gaming for a short term dopamine rush. I’m just in it for the stories now.

On the relationship stuff, I’m not sure if I’ll give poly another shot. I effectively have a green light from my wife, but I’m still anxious that taking that route will end up putting me in another tic for tac trap. The one thing I do want though is a partner who is also focused on progressing on fitness and has a grit similar to mine. Nothing romantic is needed there.

On work… I’m not sure what I want there. I’ll think more on this.

12-27-18 solo therapy

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Doing this in reverse based on memory

Talked about my ability to dig in deep for extra reserves (fitness, but also life)

Being able to define baselines on health with my wife. Impact on me, her. Being able to incorporate shared physical activity (maybe dancing) to give reason

What does she need from me?

What happens if I go completely hands off?

Will discuss progress on my goals next time

12-27-18 couple therapy

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Discussed how companionship improved

Financial backgrounds differences impact life outlooks

Ethnic backgrounds effect on how we handle money

Differences in priorities.

Wife’s priorities

Career…will look for new in Feb

School

Financial stability.. appropriate salary…pto

CC debt free by end of 2019

My priorities

Fitness

Clear CC debt

Save for roof, driveway

Maintain career

12-18-18 All in?

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Something I’m mentally grappling with now is whether I want to add Kenpo back onto my plate (while still doing the morning SF workouts). While I’m still not at the weight I want to be, I’m definitely significantly stronger and have better endurance than when I last trained.

There are several problems I have to address if I do this.

  1. I will always be a bit late, since it starts at 6pm.
  2. I have to deal with that extra cost
  3. I won’t have enough time to eat dinner at home, so I’ll have to bring dinner to work and eat at like 4:30.
  4. If I maintain SF too, I will not have any time for playing games. Am I prepared to make that choice? Do I not only want to fix my body that badly, but do I also want master a martial art, and my own body that badly as well?
  5. Even less time with my wife
  6. If poly ever becomes a thing again, it won’t be very possible with only sat and Sunday available.
  7. Any other social initiatives during the week will be unavailable.

11-4-18 back to work

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’m switching back to early morning workouts. Even with trying to stay up later, social stuff isn’t happening. I’m also annoyed that I’m having trouble getting back under 190. I will get back to where I was before Ren faire and getting sick. I don’t have anything better to do now other than continue to work, and exercise. My fitness is my focus now. I’ll look at the social stuff when I’m in the low 170s. I feel alone in this.

This morning’s circuit:

Warmup run

2nd warm-up with 10 squats between each exercise: arm rotations, leg extensions, hip thrust, squat to pushup(1 min), squat jacks

10 min circuit, start 5, increment by 5 until 25, then downwards

Pushup

Situp

Squat

2nd circuit 12 min:

Sprint x5

Kb swing green 10

Trx row 10

10 combat rope slam

High knees through floor ladder, tire

Jumping jacks through ladder

Tire thrust 10

Sledgehammer 20

3rd circuit

Repeat, change tire thrust to tire tapsx30…3 burpees after each session

Final, sprints approx every 30 seconds

Stretches

11-29-18 therapy

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Nifty phrase

We can’t avoid pain but we don’t have to suffer.

We talked about my ability to reframe a negative experience into a net positive one. Useful skill.

Example, my “failed” poly relationship led to me writing down what I consider positive and negative traits to look for in potential friends and partners.

11-28-18 Discipline and Depression

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This morning I felt some anger. Partially at myself for forgetting to take off the dog’s diaper before he went outside. I put on a new one when he got back in, fed him, and shortly thereafter he peed in it again while in the house. That was the last one we had so now I an going to worry until we get the reusable ones.

I also had less sleep because my wife set her alarm extra early, even though she went to bed later than me. I was starting to consistently get 7 hours of sleep until today. She’s been having issues going to bed on time, in part due to staying up playing games. Either destiny 2 or overwatch. I don’t blame the games, let’s be clear. If it wasn’t those games, it would be a phone game. If that wasn’t an option, it would be social media.

There will always be something. These are all avoidance tactics. She doesn’t want to face the uncomfortable things like all the school work she has put off, or working out, or any number of things that take more work and have a perceived risk of failure. I get it. Sometimes at work I’ll hit a tough issue or just feel tired, and find myself ducking out to scroll through FB or Reddit. I’m getting better at catching myself. Ultimately I’m better at disciplining myself. I’m not always successful, but that doesn’t mean I quit trying.

Depression sucks. I’ll face it now and then. The vast majority of the time it happens, it is because something is going wrong in my life. The last episode was because of the drama my sis in law brought to my home, making it not safe.

My wife is blaming it on the iud she had installed. It is possible that can contribute, but I don’t think that means she should just throw up her hands and give in. That demon needs to be fought. I know it well.

I’m helping for now by working to take away her distractions. This requires me to “be hard” as my father once viewed as a positive trait in my sister’s ex. I’m starting with helping her fix her sleep schedule by restrictioning internet access on her desktop computer after 10. I can’t rely on that sort of tactic forever though. She needs to build her discipline. I won’t always be there.

11-12-18 resolution

Posted on by lionwolfbird

So I finally broke things off. Didn’t go the way I expected but that rarely happens anyway. Shortly after my therapist appointment she goes into a meltdown on my wife and I. My wife didn’t handle it All too well. Not too sure I did either, but it did seem any attempt to descalate the situation was met with more attacks. Apparently she blew up on her husband too, so this may have been unavoidable.

Things settled down a bit later after she had a doc appointment that put her on anesthesia. My wife cleaned up their house after getting her sewing stuff.

By Saturday there was 1 more altercation. I was cleaning up the yard of fallen plants at the time. She sort of apologized, then brought up the Spectre of breaking up. I thought on it a bit, then followed through on it.

It was not a happy relationship. Whatever good stuff was there was gone. I feel a little bad about it…but also relieved? Even towards the start the start there were drama moments. I was already in it at the time, but I should really been more wary about the J drama. Even if they weren’t involved at the time, the behavior is a red flag.

There are always at least 2 sides to a story. She painted him as this guy with major emotional regulation issues, but how much of it did she contribute to? Towards the end with us, she used every opportunity to point out something wrong with either of us.

When that is the majority of the relationship, there is no point to it.

So in the future when it comes to starting new relationships, whether poly or not, pay careful attention to how one speaks of their friends, enemies, and lovers. Also be aware if they had a traumatic childhood.

11-8-18 therapist

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Talked about the Amber thing at length

Take away is I need to take care of myself. Focus on what I like about myself. I define my positive qualities. I have only get one me.

I can state consequences of actions without trying to control anyone. I.e if a person is going to move away, I wouldn’t be able to sustain a relationship. Doing so does not mean I disapprove of their action. If they view it that way, that is them creating their own meaning.