Trying to put together an agenda of things that should be talked about today.
- At the moment it feels like things have been stable. Generally good things have been happening…though finances are still rough currently with fair season. It isn’t bothering me a lot though.
- We started trying to do a tuesday night craft night. So far we’ve only done it twice. With wife’s job changing, schedule is whacky and she’s tired. We did start playing BL3 together though.
- Got wife to try out WCS dancing with me once. I’ve continued on with it, she hasn’t but again mostly due to scheduling issues between work and ren faire work/prep
- tried getting her into the bodyboss portable gym…only done once so far. Hoping to stabilize on that. (need to start planning out a schedule for it after Nicole/Jen visit on halloween…oct 30th thru the 3rd for jen)
- Got a jigsaw massager, used it a few times (should probably schedule that too)
- Tried the feeld thing. There was an interest in renewing the triad thing. Wife still grappling with why she wants that / if she even wants that. There was talk about the nesting partner angle.
- Things seem to be going well with her GF
- I’ve gotten better about my anxiety over her nights out. She’s also been better at setting more realistic expectations and communications which helps me better manage it.
- I’ve made friends but nothing really regular. Perhaps the closest thing to a regular friend is ‘smartass’ from WCS but still not the “best friend” connection I think I’m looking for
- Dealing with Angel at ren faire who definitely wants to be more physical with me, but I’m not comfortable with her for health reasons as well as availability issues (distance would make it difficult for maintaining the sort of contact I’d prefer in a relationship). Keeping it at a strictly platonic level for me. I tend to hang out with her group of people at the Dragon, and people watching from the inside is entertaining.
- Answered my own relationship questionaire doc, re-evaluated what I want in a poly relationship
- Raven shaman art project
- New friend Kat. I like her but she made it clear early on she is only looking for friends right now. Which works out fine for me is that is what I need more than romantic partners right now. It does set my expectations though of keeping it at friends, which is making me re-evaluate how I approach poly people I meet in the future. And ask myself how much energy I want to put into it.
- My workout schedule has slowed down with fair, and I’m feeling the effects.
- fair recharged wife’s batteries…despite physical health hit
I’m facing an uncomfortable thing that I need to do. I need to break things off with a potential poly partner before things get any more serious. I need to put my concerns to text to help navigate my way through.
A quick background in this person:
I met this person via OKC. I did the a list sub for a bit which included daily “boosts” that showed my profile to more people on their “double take” system… basically a Tinder copy. She saw me through there and actually messaged me first. I think that is the 2nd time I’ve ever been the receiver of a first contact initiation. It was flattering…and that is why it has been more difficult to break this off.
It is rare that anyone gives me compliment on my attractiveness right out of the gate. I was feeling particularly lonely at the time and played down the red flags. Thankfully nothing physically sexual has happened (text stuff is another story). The part that makes this particular hard to work through is she is a regular vet at faire, so I have a fear of things blowing up. I guess I need to convince myself that the worst case scenario is unlikely, and even if it were to happen it won’t be that bad. Anyway, on to the red flags.
This connection very quickly turned sexual online. One of the lessons I thought I learned from my previous poly relationships was that I moved things too fast. This almost feels like lightspeed in comparison 😅. The sexts started within hours. I went with it… again because I was feeling particularly lonely and sexually frustrated (my wife and I were on a particularly bad dry spell).
The other problems quickly followed. She is a major masochist. I thought my ex was relatively extreme at the time…this person literally wants to be punches, kicked, and wants to do the consentual non-consent thing. I am not comfortable with that. I thought I could be open minded and try to understand it. It is my understanding that people into this kink do so generally to retake control of abusive pasts. She definitely has that. I did let her know that I was uncomfortable with going that far and seemed to understand that. I let things escalate a little in person because of that. But now she seems to be trying to push things in that direction again.
My wife and her gf had a talk about this concern. Her gf has significant kink experience and gave some good points about the dangers here. Reminds me that I need to review safe and sane/rack again.
So take away all of these safety issues and I’m still left with a possible relationship with a person I don’t feel a strong emotional connection. The common interests are limited as well. I don’t see much in the way of emotional support.
The goal of poly for me remains to be filling in the hole Stephy left behind. I enjoy ren faires and craft stuff, but that is just 1 dimension of my personality. I have been on a mission of self-improvement since my mid 20s. Steph helped me a lot with that, even when the path was painful. I tried to do the same for her. I cannot continue that journey with a person who literally begs me to hurt them.
So to summarize the reasons why I need to break this off, mainly for myself:
- I don’t feel safe with that level of kink. Not so much because of the potential physical harm to myself, but more so the mental and even potentially social harm
- I do not feel comfortable with the STI risk on account of having no information on how partners sexual risk levels are tracked outside of just using protection.
- This relationship will not lead to me being a better or happier person.
- The physical distance would make maintaining this relationship logistically difficult
- She has stated visiting her home is not an option, which only makes the distance issue even harder.
- I do not feel a strong emotional connection. No “Fuck yes” feeling.
And what I want to do is get closer to the feeling to understand it and determine if it needs to be addressed or not. I should not feel bad for experiencing anxiety. It is an adaptive function.
I was in a poly discussion the other week. The topic was about tact. At some point during the discussion, the idea that “Trust is the Foundation of Communication” was repeated a few times.
This idea is ringing now in regards to my wife. If she is constantly saying what she is going to do but never follows through, how do I trust her? If I can’t trust her word when it comes to actions, why should I trust her word at all?
Talked with her about it. We’ve made some progress on finding a better path.
- 500m rows
- Deadlift bar 90lb 12×1
- Dl bar 140lb 10×3
- Dl bar 170lb 5×3 (struggled on form)
- Squats with 40lb dumbbell 12×3
- Cable row 100lb 10×3 then superset tricep pulldown 80lb 8×3
- MTN climber x10, plankjack x5… increment by 10 and 5 until 50 and 25 reps
- Dumbbell lunge 30 lb 8×3, both legs… focus on raised calf
- Rdl 35lb 12×3
- Front lat raise thumbs out 12.5lb 10×3 and superset lat raise 12×3…reverse on last set
- Pulldown palms face me 120lb 5×3
- Kb 35 lb upright row 12×3
I’m not quite sure where my mind is at the moment. Maybe this is why I write. I gotta pin down those thoughts somehow.
Looking at my last post, poly stuff is at a bit of a standstill. I did eventually let Page know I wasn’t interested in pursuing things beyond friends. This happened after we met up once and made out a little towards the end. Aside from the risks of her bordering extreme kink stuff, I also had had concerns about her STI and personal health management. Also, I’m trying not to be mean…but the teeth thing caught me off guard as well. I just can’t get ignore it and it definitely puts a damper on the attraction side of things, and seeing as how that particular engagement was primary based out of her attracted to me…I just can’t go through with it. Her texts have become a lot less frequent now, so I think her interest is waning. I may still end up seeing her around at faire though. I’m not sure how that’ll go, especially if there are days I’m there alone.
I went to a poly discussion group and got to reconnect with “mel” again. She is a genuine joy to be around and I appreciate the banter that bounces between us. She showed interest in meeting up again. Time will tell if there is an actual follow through on that. I’m hoping so.
And then another confusion spot for me. I’ve been talking with A on and off lately. I still think about her from time to time. The emotional insecurity is the main thing I worry about. I also worry about how engaging with her will effect things with my wife (who was involved before) and whether that could have an impact on Mel if things ever got there. Yeah I know, “Poly” should mean you aren’t limited to one person, but there are physical and emotional considerations beyond that.
My wife had a break down yesterday regarding failing class. I still think her job is a big contributor to the issues she has been having. It kind of pisses me off when a job gets all hell bent about a person arriving on time, yet doesn’t give a shit when the person has to stay late continually because of other people’s shit. Doing a good job > punctuality…the exception being if your work type actually needs you to be there for a set time (i.e. a teacher, or support rep that is needed for coverage in a team setting). If your work is defined by days rather than minutes/hours…doesn’t make sense to me. It pisses me off more so when the person’s health is the price to appeasing the employer.
I did up pulling that loan. That is the biggest credit jump I’ve ever seen. Being on the hook for ~700 a month for the next 3 years is a bit scary. We worked the budget so that we should be able to make good progress on nailing the rest of our debts quicker…provided nothing breaks. If my wife can find a better paying job with an actual work/life balance, we should do well. I still need to plan for the solo scenario though.
Life got busy and I found myself lacking the time to even just complete a text dump here. I’m not sure where to start.
Poly stuff has put me in a strange place recently. I met someone 3 weeks ago who was surprisingly forward for what I’m used to dealing with. And now it has hit this strange super casual thing which I’m not comfortable with. It is difficult for me to feel for anyone over the ocassional short text every few days. Even if they’re “sweet” texts, I don’t feel right trying to reply in the same way. It isn’t authentic. I guess it would be difficult to work anyway as she has a much different life style than I do, so our interests and passions don’t align. It is mostly a chemistry thing. I’m aware most guys would love that sort of setup, but not me. I need to feel that mental connection. Whatever other relationship I get into has to bring the best out of me in someway. Or at least something positive. With Amber it at least encouraged my art exploration.
And then we pan over to this new person. We’ll use page as a name. We haven’t met in person yet she puts forwardness on a whole new level. She has some kinks that honestly could get me in trouble if things go wrong. She’s also been very frequent and intense in her communications and seems to expect the same from me. In addition, going back to my earlier thought, I’m not sure interactions with her will bring out the good parts of me. I’m worried it’ll bring out something really bad instead. And not the “hot” kind of bad. I do have a meet up planned this Saturday. My instinct is telling me to be careful. I should heed that.
Financial stuff has been challenging, but I think there is a good plan going. I ended up taking out a consolidation loan. I had decided against it earlier, but after getting fucked by the IRS and state tax, I’m down 9k and all due in a short time. So with this, I can hold them off and get my cc debts down so I stop bleeding out in interest. At the rate things were going, it would be years of making little headway. After a year of this loan (of 3) I should already be cutting ahead in terms of interest saved.
This leads into budget management. I think I already wrote on this earlier. I configured custom budgets in mint for play money for the wife, myself, and a couple fund. This was a fresh month. Wife is already capped on her budget. So this is where the real test begins. Will she stay disciplined or do I have to take cards away?
I’m still worried about her health too. I get work and school have robbed her of all time. The school is meant to be the ticket out of her job and ultimately debt situation. But she is still paying the health price now, and I am not sure if that damage can be recovered from when time opens up.
I’m feeling easily aggravated this morning. I think yesterday’s letter that I owe even more tax money to the state from 2016. This comes a day after I just paid the remainder of the fed tax I owed. Another letter that went to the wrong address too, so I got charges another 1k in interest and penalties too, because “fuck you” I guess.
I cooked up some beans last night after going for a ~ 3 mile run. I forgot to pack away the excess and found out this morning when I was setting up my coffee (which I also forgot to program the night before).
Work has been sucking too. I’m getting so much shit dumped on me that I can’t do a whole lot about either because of permission issues, lack of documentation, or just plain lack of training… I can only self teach so much, especially when I don’t even get time to focus on that. I barely have enough time in my personal time to keep up.
The wife is supposed to go on some great cleaning marathon this weekend. I am doubting it will happen. I am jaded as fuck right now.
I’m not sure how to keep it together right now.
This is the thing I am feeling this morning. I suppose I am feeling some anxiety over work too with the load being as intense as it is.
Marital life has been bumpy lately…if that phrase even makes sense. She is dealing with depression. Possibly because of the anxiety medication she is on. The discussion came up to lower the dose, or maybe even get off of it all together. I guess the question that should ultimately be asked is does she think was better off before she got onto it. I think the other thing that is bothering me is that she is expecting me to provide external validations via the “you can do it” type statements, even if it requires me suspending my realism and lying. I don’t lie well at all, nor can I take enthusiasm. Moreover, I don’t think that depending on an outside source of validation is a sustainable strategy for long term positive change.
What effect is this ultimately having on me? For the most part I feel like I have a dependent rather than a partner who contributes to a net positive future. I know… actually scratch that I’m not sure anymore if her heart is really in the right place. That was the main idea that got me through tough spots with her before and was a major factor in my deciding to marry her. But after the last year where she was aligned against me despite the serious emotional crisis I was experiencing made me realize that when push comes to shove… I was on my own.
Here is the key question I suppose. And maybe I’m mean a bit grouchy right now, but ultimately this blog is for me to explore my emotions…to put them to form and see if they truly hold…
Is her depression, impulse control issues, and unwillingness to just deal with the grind of a greater weight than her love for me? If something happens to me, is she at all capable of recovering or will she be another statistic.