workout

10.9.23 struggling today

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Honestly, I’ve been struggling for a little while now, but it just feels more acute today. At the core of it all is the belief that I’m just not my best self.

The challenges I face, some of which i know are common for a lot of people today.

My physical health is not where I want it. I have been there before and then somehow I lost it. I know the changing then loss of a pt was partly the cause. The changing of the environment at home was another major factor

My finances are not doing well. I took out a debt consolidation loan early this year to clear out my cc debt and now I’m nearly back where i started 6 months later. This is not sustainable. There were house emergencies that played a big role true, but those will always be a problem with home ownership. I should be able to have a good enough overall net income to save for these inevitable events…but I don’t. Even if my wife made more and was able to contribute an equal amount, I don’t think we’d make enough. I need to force the financial review asap. Comparing a mortgage cost to rent is not enough. The comparison does not account for those maintenance costs. I’m not sure how to get ahead. And with N possibly moving in soon with her cats, an apartment setup can’t work…we could never get away with 5 cats. While N is still here I should chat and present our financial challenge in the future, at least so they are clear on what they might be coming into.

Relationship-wise, I’m definitely feeling the loneliness…the incompleteness. Trying to put effort into poly dating right now feels pointless. How can I give live if I have trouble loving myself? I know my health and financial security are big parts of that. I don’t ever expect to become jacked (though that would be nice to experience once) and I know I’ll never be rich…but I’d like to know that I can focus on building savings rather than struggling just to get cc debt down. There was a time before the house that I wasn’t struggling just to keep up. I weathered several storms as a result. I’d like to get back there. I’m just not sure how yet.

Something I’m seriously considering doing is pausing my dnd games. At least for a few months. I can’t provide a good experience if I’m so worried about the near future. I need to put that time into righting the ship, as it were.

Asidd from the gym stuff, I need to put focus on cutting costs and selling off things we don’t use. A big thing is to kill the storage unit, which is costing us way too much now. I also think i should get back into dance as a supplement to my gym and boxing stuff. I know I’m happiest when I keep moving.

It’s kinda like playing a pvp game against my depression. I have to keep moving, or it will get me.

5.16.23 fitness journey

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’m looping this song while I write this next idea: https://open.spotify.com/track/2pCs1SFdcWgJkVb8e0MatL?si=MUH1BN-xTAyUkaDdLDS0zA

I finally hit 202 today. I’m doing this by placing faith in myself and my analytical abilities. I was going to wait until tomorrow to quit that program, figuring a boxing class in the morning would hype me up enough to take on the possible push back I get. But I’m going to do that today.

2nd, I’m worried about my wife’s health. Which isn’t a new thing but she did have a pretty bad acid reflux episode last night and I know things will only get worse as we get older. I remembered a thing my father said about my sister’s ex partner. Something about the guy needing to be forward, not in a violent domineering way, but in a get things done manner when it came to good behavior habits. And so I think this may have to be the path I take.

I’m not a trainer. But I know how to be consistent. If I use evening sessions at gg for str training, I could get my wife to go. I can build programs in Strong now and get them exported to another user. Then it is just a case of making her go. Here’s my calendar plan:

  • Monday
    • Pm: pull
  • Tuesday
  • Wednesday
    • Pm: push
  • Thursday
    • (Me) deadlift day
  • Friday
  • Saturday
    • Legs am
  • Sunday
    • Kickboxing?

A big part of this is going to be getting her to walk regularly and have a diet plan. I’m not going to make her log like I do but there must be some sort of strategy. For her, low carb has been the most successful. Not because it is inherently special in any way, it is just easier to do.

I need a report on her walking. I’m going to have to be annoying and keep on her case to make sure there is a baseline to work on

And the weigh-in. It does matter. I’m planning to get an analog scale for weighing out cat litter but it can be useful for this too.

I know the conventional logic is you can’t get people to help themselves. But what is the alternative? Watch her suffer and deteriorate and be miserable when I know it can be prevented? I’m tired of listening to everyone else. Time to do my thing.

5.9.23 The Journey

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Today’s sleep wasn’t great. I went to bed earlier but remember waking up sometime around 3am. My wife had trouble sleeping again and came to bed sometime around then. Wonder if it is the adderal the doc put her on. Fitbit says i got up at 4:30. My plan was to wake at 5. Maybe starting to go to bed at 9 isn’t cutting it and I need to start going at 8:30.

Side bar, sitting on the metro and hear the driver announce that we are holding due to an “unruly customer at the next station”. Dc is getting nuttier.

On the diet front, I’m going back to the 1800 cal build with 200g protein, 80g carbs, 60-80g fat. While I know trainers on this trainerize app can see when someone isn’t “adhering” to a given diet plan, I honestly don’t believe this one truly gives a shit. Maybe I’m being a little passive aggressive but I’m focusing on what I know works for me and minimizing my communications. The only thing I’ll try are the workout builds themselves but I’m going to be much more liberal on using substitutes. It acts like a program for newbies but then throws in the more complex exercises with barely a few lines about how they work. It isn’t safe.

There was a guy on their group chat the other day celebrating after a year of being on this program that he lost 5 lbs. That is tragic. I half wonder if the guy running it doesn’t really just want a cult of personality. I think by week 8 I’m just going to ask to cancel.

3.11.23 diet journal

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Doing okay today. I didn’t do the extra bike cardio like I had planned (it was raining outside). I thought I could do it after work but I’m just too mentally tired to do it. Now that I think on it, this is like a variation of the idea of “Your body is only as strong as your mind”. That’s a motto I picked up a long time ago at an internship that stuck with me. It was one of those phrases I held onto the first time I lost a lot of weight. I remember watching a Big Think video by Penn (of Penn and Teller) and he was talking about how he lost weight, and how much he had disagreed with the mind-body connection…until he lost the weight. The more surprising revelation to me was anyone believing that the mind could operate independently of the body. I suppose you could try to argue for Stephen Hawking as an example for this, but that is the rare exception and TBH, imagine how much more he could have done if he didn’t have that health struggle. Anyway, all this to say is that I’m not a big fan of how corrupt the “health at any size” movement has gotten. Yes, it is absolutely possible to be at a higher BMI or even body fat % and still be able to do a lot with your body. The fact I can still do clean pushups at my current weight (something I could not do the last time I was at this weight) is testament to that. However, joints and tendons longevity are a function of the amount of force you put on them over time. I’m certain my foot bone spur issue is only exacerbated by the amount of weight I’m dealing with. You don’t get to be obese or morbidly obese and not expect to suffer quality of life consequences for it. I’m not a fan of that magical thinking. You shouldn’t get judged for that, I’ll agree strongly with that. On the flip side, I do strongly agree that a person’s social worth should not be tied to their weight/fat. Just don’t complain about your inevitable physical and mental pain that’s tied to that. I don’t have enough emotional labor pool to handle that.

Anyway, after that digression. The diet’s been mostly on point. I did have some mission BBQ yesterday instead of the planned chicken thighs/rice/beans/veggies. I went with their normal sized salad, took some lean brisket, some honey mustard and some of their smoky mountain bbq sauce and mixed it all together. I also had a small cornbread. I was still within my cico goals. My protein might have been higher than I planned though. I’m going to try capping my protein to 160g for now. I might not be measuring cooked food correctly. I know calorie stats for my meat-based proteins are based on their raw weight. When you cook anything, some of that total mass is burned away (especially with the air fryer or oven). That makes the food more energy dense. So I might be taking in significantly more calories than I thought I was. Rather than try to figure out the stats post cooking, which is hard, I’ll just lower the values a bit and observe the data. As long as I keep doing everything else I’m doing. The running has been helpful when I do it. I’m going to add post strength training cardio (30 min) for Sunday as well. I’m hoping to make quicker progress through all of that. Hell, not even quicker, positive at this point is good. Anyway, here are the stats:

3.8.23 diet journal

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This past weekend wasn’t super great, but it wasn’t horrible either? I stayed over at my partner’s friday night. I manually weighed myself that morning and I was at ~206. Then there was a birthday party that afternoon and I had more carbs than normal. A couple burgers, some chips/popcorn, and cake stuff. I also didn’t workout that day. I went up about 2 lbs the next morning. I did do a full body strength training session (sumo deadlifts, DB bench presses with alternating rows, then skullcrushers/incline curls). I ended up faltering towards the later afternoon when I went couch shopping with the wife and we stopped at mod pizza. I did try to be reasonable as I could and thought I could get away with a “jasper pizza” at mod pizza with a little extra grilled chicken for ~800 cal according to fitbit. It’s hard to trust anything online though. I ended up pushing 211 the next day.

I kept up with my workouts. I’m also changing my remote work schedule to have 3 days at home. I’m going to use this to add in those wind sprints again. Nothing gets more effective than that for a sustained elevated heart rate. Fitbit is way too generous on the calorie value of steps. I’m consistently burning around 3000-3500 calories and taking in around 1600-1900. Going strictly by that you’d think I’d be dropping like a stone…but months of data shows that is not the case. Strength training has been good for overall functionality and pain management (or rather prevention). Bootcamps have been good for similar reasons and get some cardio benefits…but they can be inconsistent in intensity depending on the trainer. My average heart rate BPM ranges from ~120 to ~140 depending on who is running a class and the workouts we do. From what I’ve seen, there is a much tighter correlation between BPM and calorie burn than anything else. Wind sprints get the best bang for buck. I started a set yesterday during my lunch hour. With my new schedule next week, I plan to do that Wednesday/Friday/Sunday on my str training days. Just today alone showed some interesting stats.

I don’t normally do a post workout weight in but I had a strange fluctuation this morning. My carbs were on the low side yesterday (I had ~175g of beans total that day, then some spinach and tomatoes, netting to around 53g of carbs). Then a lot of chicken thighs (boneless, skinless). I was surprised to see my weight go up; however, my bodyfat (According to aria) went down signficantly. Then I remembered the spices I used had a lot of salt. I added some more salt via that MD blend [the name escapes me, but you marylanders know what I’m talking about]. Then I remembered the research I did a few days ago in regard to how much water weight you hold on to per g of carbs. In that research I also found approximation for salt as well. I had quite a bit of salt (I remember the taste). I also remembered back to that inbody weighin I did for the SF challenge and how high my Skeletal Muscle Mass (SMM) was, and how that dropped at the end (and yet somehow fat went up). I noticed the ECW/TBW (ExtraCellular Water over Total Body Water) had gone down. I might play with this idea to see if I can exploit the inbody machine to read the higher SMM again. Mainly out of curiosity.

In any case, my overall body fat has gone down. I’m going to keep with the run schedule as best I can. At least for this cutting portion. When I get back to the 180s (or even 170s) I’m going to need to figure out another strategy for long term maintenance. I’m obviously working out a lot. I do like working out but I worry that as I get older, something in my body will start to give. I also plan to start dedicating more time to actually writing books. Keeping a lower weight will definitely help (and I like my leaner look).

On to the stats:

3.3.23 diet journal

Posted on by lionwolfbird

Not a whole lot of progress this week. The body fat percent might mean something but hard to say. I am planning on starting up my wind sprints again. Nothing beats the consistently high heart rate I get when doing it. In the past those runs have always resulted in weight loss. I remember my pt discouraged it for a bit since we were focusing on muscle build. My remote work schedule should be changing next week so hopefully, I’ll have more opportunities too.

I’ll be remote w-friday. I’m thinking bootcamps m/t. Upper str wed with either sprint back home or run after work. Th bootcamp. Friday legs. Saturday bootcamp or rest. Sunday full body str + run.

On to the stats.

2.20.23 diet journal

Posted on by lionwolfbird

I’m a little higher than expected. Saturday ended up being a rest day and i didn’t log. I did take pics though, except for the last meal of the day which were some teriyaki chickens on sticks (2 orders) and a couple shrimp egg rolls. I went up slightly in weight the next day which was kind of a pleasant surprise.

Sunday I did a strength workout. Good mornings, 6 squat sets, and 5 weighted hip thrusts. My diet was better controlled, though i still tipped over 1800 and i had more overall fat than normal. That does make me consider dropping a bit more fat for protein. Something closer to 220g of protein and 60ish for fat. I seemed to have more success with that, assuming I keep cal intake around 1600. Anyhow, here are the stats and some photos.

5.10.22 How bad do I want this?

Posted on by lionwolfbird

This thought is latching to my brain today. It was triggered while browsing through FL. I was considering maybe looking at attending various local events, and came across my ex’s profile as a possible attendee. It brought back some painful memories. I’ll flat out say it, this person was a narcissist. They did a lot of emotional damage. The highs (or love bombs) were not worth the crippling lows. I went no contact a long while ago to protect myself. Now I’m afraid that my odds of running back into this person in the real world are more likely, especially if I try to attend any local events. I really don’t like confrontation. Meanwhile, this person *loved* to start arguments as a way to test people. That’s a massive waste of energy IMO. Now I could try to excuse this person based on the traumatic past they’ve had, but that isn’t okay. They were toxic. That experience is a poignant reminder for me that even as a polyamorous person, it is not worth pursuing toxic relationships, regardless of all of their other qualities. The damage to my psyche, and those around me as I stew in depression, is not worth it.

So back to this thought. It came up while I trained at the gym this morning. Working out is important to me as a mood regulator. I did not train at all last week due to being out for a wedding. Sure enough, come sunday I felt a melancholy just wash over me. Yes my social anxiety cup had runneth over, but also my bulwark was decayed. Then I remembered how I felt last year as I saw progress photos from last year. I was starting to like how I looked, for the first time ever in my life. It gave me an extra bit of confidence that I never knew could exist. I could actually see myself dressing in nice things that weren’t just ren fair garb.

And so as I struggle with trying to keep a fitness routine going I have this concern of confrontation in my head. I know the universe loves to fuck with me, and so at some point it’ll happen even with avoiding those events. I feel that I need to get my body back to where I was early last year. Rebuilding that confidence in myself is to serve as that shield for my mind when I fully expect this person will try to tear me down and/or emotionally manipulate me into doing that myself. I know the mechanical things that I have to do. It comes down to gritting my teeth and getting it done…and not injuring myself in the process.

I need to get up earlier during the week. The Tuesday/Thursday morning strength training is nice…but I can do more. If I’m making slow incremental process through this “part time” training schedule I’m on now (keeping my nutrition in check of course), then I can just imagine my progress should I commit. If I want to be ready to handle those barbs, then I need to commit to this phase of training. No one else is going to be be able to help me with this.

Okay, I feel a bit better putting this out into the ether. I know what I need to do.

4-2-21 Life update

Posted on by lionwolfbird

it’s been a while since I have updated this blog. I’ve noticed more likes and follows despite this…which is better odd, but cool. I hope my meanderings have been useful in some way.

Today is the first day I’ve been on the metro in over a year. it’s a weird experience. I’m going to spend the weekend with a partner of mine. I think this is the first time I’ve been able to spend this much time with a poly partner that wasn’t basically a hotel outting. There’s a poly milestone for you. They’ve risen the bar for good partners. I feel at ease around them.

On the fitness stuff… I’m platued at 170 and 22% bodyfat. Sometimes I’ll drop to 167, but that seems to be mostly at the expense of water. I haven’t been doing the same amount of evening workouts and walka due to injuries. I’m in the mend now. My trainer is changing gyms so my schedule is currently in flux. I’ll know more next week on how I’ll move forward. Either we can make something work at planet fitness or I’ll have to work with a different trainer at my main gym.

My goal is still 15% bodyfat by August 15.

8-14-19 workout

Posted on by lionwolfbird
  • 500m rows
  • Deadlift bar 90lb 12×1
  • Dl bar 140lb 10×3
  • Dl bar 170lb 5×3 (struggled on form)
  • Squats with 40lb dumbbell 12×3
  • Cable row 100lb 10×3 then superset tricep pulldown 80lb 8×3
  • MTN climber x10, plankjack x5… increment by 10 and 5 until 50 and 25 reps
  • Dumbbell lunge 30 lb 8×3, both legs… focus on raised calf
  • Rdl 35lb 12×3
  • Front lat raise thumbs out 12.5lb 10×3 and superset lat raise 12×3…reverse on last set
  • Pulldown palms face me 120lb 5×3
  • Kb 35 lb upright row 12×3